Midnight Sorrow
Member
I'm turning 24 next week, and I am a guy.
My life resembles the song "Stereo" by The Watchmen.
When I was a child, I did not imagine myself turning this way, nor being rejected by society the way I did. Growing up I did not see people in different classes, but little did I know, coming from the middle to lower class family means being pushed away by the kids from families who can afford a brand new car every year and live in a big house. All of us have family problems, mostly none of us can discuss it and I wish I could...but lets just say I couldn't invite anyone to my parents house (You can assume what the problem was but thats all it will be an assumption) so from an early age I was somewhat force to be alone, and as the years went by I began to school project on being bullied and picked on. It was a daily basis. It affected my self-esteem and many other factors in my life. I couldn't stand up for myself, I do not have witty comebacks, or can beat up 2-3 guys at once, so I just "ignored" them but they will kept coming and eventually I broke down, mentally and physically. I had been pushed aside, an outcast by everyone, even though I never saw myself as the outcast but I never fit in. I was so unpopular that even the rejects didnt wanna hang out with me. So that was basically my school life. At home, everyday was a stressful day, I've seen and dealt with things at an early age and my guess is that most of us here have had that same issue. Eventually when I turned 16, I left school, yes I dropped out and one of the reason was school was forcing me out since they couldn't convince my parents that I had to be on medication for ADD, which I never had. I was just stubborn, it runs in the family. So after leaving highschool, I lost contact with the few friends I had left and it took 1 1/2 years before anyone hung out with me. So I was at home all the time, doing nothing. Being stuck in a 24/7 stress marathon is not fun. Eventually I started going on with my buddy more often and met his friends and I family got my first girlfriend at 19 years old. Though it didn't feel right so we broke up shortly after but than all hell broke loss and all the friends I had made, I lost, even my friend of 12 years or so. Than I became alone again, no one to hang out with or see. This happened at the end of 2007 and the start of 2008, Eventually I started talking to a girl I went to school with and we hung out a couple of times, it was really great for 2 reasons. I was spending time with a girl (which is rare) and the other you can guess, and she had a boyfriend but he was neglecting her. Anyways, for my birthday she took me out, we went ice skating and went to see a movie. That was awesome, it was my 22nd birthday and it was the very first time I hung out with anyone besides my parents for my birthday. Than a month later we went to see Motley Crue in concert but our friendship was on the rocks because she was seeing someone new, not dating, just interested. So after the concert we basically went our seperate ways, in other words she told me she wanted us to stop talking for awhile, and that turned out to be for good. So after being alone for a couple of more months, in the summer of 2008 I decided it was time to get a life and move away from home and all the people who weren't ever gonna talk to me. So I moved 6 hours away to a much bigger city. Now I saw life to be getting better, because I had a job, even though I had no friends yet but I had just moved there. Unfortunately...everything I thought would happen, didn't. It took me almost 6 months before making a friend, and things were going great between me and this girl, at one point she told me if she was looking for a relationship, I would be the guy but a week later she is dating someone else. Guess how much that hurt...yeah, a lot. So obviously I tried talking to her about it and our friendship went from good to "life support" and eventually she told me to leave her alone. So now I've been living here for over 1 1/2 years and still without friends.
This is my mindset on everything. Prepare for a long and most likely boring read.
I suffer from Chronic loneliness than even if I am in a room full of people, I still feel very much alone.
I suffer from stress & anxiety that has manifested itself into mysophobia, which is a fear of germ but to be more exact those germs are caused by animals. That is my fear. Oh, and I forgot to mention my parents are avid animals lovers so I have lived with animals my whole life until I moved out so imagine how hard it was for me to keep my sanity.
Over time all this has become much worse.
I'm given up on everything in my life.
I don't want to live anymore for the simple fact that I'll never live a normal life, being able to walk barefoot in the sand, or even touch objects outside. My parents say I will be able to control my phobia and learn to cope with it but I don't want to cope with it! I want it to be gone unfortunately I know it will never. All I do at home is disinfect everything that I deed infected with germs.
In the past couple of years I've been craving and dreaming of one thing, and thats "freedom" but lately I've realized that the freedom I want does not exist on this earth. I will never be free from what haunts me. Only in death will I acheive the freedom that I want. Suicide...I don't know if I could do it, but I can always hope for death to come. I've stop taking care of my body, hoping that destroys me and eventually my body will succumb to it all. I realize that I will always be alone and die alone. I don't view things positively anymore, all I see is despair. I want the world the end, with everything in it. I see no point in life, we live to die and at 24, I wait for death to come. Ever since I've been a kid. I have never been able to see where I want to be in "10 years" because all I have seen in darkness. I know if I died soon, I would leave behind a few good friends who care about me, unfortunately none I can see, 3 of 4 live abroad. The other one, I will never see again and my parents. The only thing that I stay alive for is my mom because she needs me and has even told me that recently, but I feel this is a burden because I don't want to let my mom down, yet I don't want to be here anymore, I want to finally be free from everything.
I know at least one person will try and help, but I don't think I want help, just telling my story, hopefully it can enlighten someone else into avoiding a similar fate. Though maybe I do want help, unfortunately no one has a pill to cure all my problems and make me "normal" and a functioning human being and I think thats what I am searching for...I will never find it. Happiness does not exist for me, it died long ago and left me with my torment, I'm hoping that 2012 is true so it can all end for me. Also I've already thought of a way to end my suffering, and I'd make sure it would happen at work. So I could give a final message to be delievered to my parents and I know someone would more than likely be by my side in my final moments on this god forsaken earth.
It's ironic, I had dreams that I wanted to accomplish such as:
Kissing a girl on the Eiffel tower at night.
Biking across a country
but all that is gone. I haven't felt the touch of a woman in over a year, and I'm not even talking about anything sexual but not even a handshake. I've become so numb inside and outside. I want it all to end, I'd give my life to my friend who suffers from MS, in my death she would be heal.
I'm sorry to have bored anyone with my story. There's so much I left out in my life story but thats just the basic and I guess need to know information. Again I apologize for such a boring read.
My life resembles the song "Stereo" by The Watchmen.
When I was a child, I did not imagine myself turning this way, nor being rejected by society the way I did. Growing up I did not see people in different classes, but little did I know, coming from the middle to lower class family means being pushed away by the kids from families who can afford a brand new car every year and live in a big house. All of us have family problems, mostly none of us can discuss it and I wish I could...but lets just say I couldn't invite anyone to my parents house (You can assume what the problem was but thats all it will be an assumption) so from an early age I was somewhat force to be alone, and as the years went by I began to school project on being bullied and picked on. It was a daily basis. It affected my self-esteem and many other factors in my life. I couldn't stand up for myself, I do not have witty comebacks, or can beat up 2-3 guys at once, so I just "ignored" them but they will kept coming and eventually I broke down, mentally and physically. I had been pushed aside, an outcast by everyone, even though I never saw myself as the outcast but I never fit in. I was so unpopular that even the rejects didnt wanna hang out with me. So that was basically my school life. At home, everyday was a stressful day, I've seen and dealt with things at an early age and my guess is that most of us here have had that same issue. Eventually when I turned 16, I left school, yes I dropped out and one of the reason was school was forcing me out since they couldn't convince my parents that I had to be on medication for ADD, which I never had. I was just stubborn, it runs in the family. So after leaving highschool, I lost contact with the few friends I had left and it took 1 1/2 years before anyone hung out with me. So I was at home all the time, doing nothing. Being stuck in a 24/7 stress marathon is not fun. Eventually I started going on with my buddy more often and met his friends and I family got my first girlfriend at 19 years old. Though it didn't feel right so we broke up shortly after but than all hell broke loss and all the friends I had made, I lost, even my friend of 12 years or so. Than I became alone again, no one to hang out with or see. This happened at the end of 2007 and the start of 2008, Eventually I started talking to a girl I went to school with and we hung out a couple of times, it was really great for 2 reasons. I was spending time with a girl (which is rare) and the other you can guess, and she had a boyfriend but he was neglecting her. Anyways, for my birthday she took me out, we went ice skating and went to see a movie. That was awesome, it was my 22nd birthday and it was the very first time I hung out with anyone besides my parents for my birthday. Than a month later we went to see Motley Crue in concert but our friendship was on the rocks because she was seeing someone new, not dating, just interested. So after the concert we basically went our seperate ways, in other words she told me she wanted us to stop talking for awhile, and that turned out to be for good. So after being alone for a couple of more months, in the summer of 2008 I decided it was time to get a life and move away from home and all the people who weren't ever gonna talk to me. So I moved 6 hours away to a much bigger city. Now I saw life to be getting better, because I had a job, even though I had no friends yet but I had just moved there. Unfortunately...everything I thought would happen, didn't. It took me almost 6 months before making a friend, and things were going great between me and this girl, at one point she told me if she was looking for a relationship, I would be the guy but a week later she is dating someone else. Guess how much that hurt...yeah, a lot. So obviously I tried talking to her about it and our friendship went from good to "life support" and eventually she told me to leave her alone. So now I've been living here for over 1 1/2 years and still without friends.
This is my mindset on everything. Prepare for a long and most likely boring read.
I suffer from Chronic loneliness than even if I am in a room full of people, I still feel very much alone.
I suffer from stress & anxiety that has manifested itself into mysophobia, which is a fear of germ but to be more exact those germs are caused by animals. That is my fear. Oh, and I forgot to mention my parents are avid animals lovers so I have lived with animals my whole life until I moved out so imagine how hard it was for me to keep my sanity.
Over time all this has become much worse.
I'm given up on everything in my life.
I don't want to live anymore for the simple fact that I'll never live a normal life, being able to walk barefoot in the sand, or even touch objects outside. My parents say I will be able to control my phobia and learn to cope with it but I don't want to cope with it! I want it to be gone unfortunately I know it will never. All I do at home is disinfect everything that I deed infected with germs.
In the past couple of years I've been craving and dreaming of one thing, and thats "freedom" but lately I've realized that the freedom I want does not exist on this earth. I will never be free from what haunts me. Only in death will I acheive the freedom that I want. Suicide...I don't know if I could do it, but I can always hope for death to come. I've stop taking care of my body, hoping that destroys me and eventually my body will succumb to it all. I realize that I will always be alone and die alone. I don't view things positively anymore, all I see is despair. I want the world the end, with everything in it. I see no point in life, we live to die and at 24, I wait for death to come. Ever since I've been a kid. I have never been able to see where I want to be in "10 years" because all I have seen in darkness. I know if I died soon, I would leave behind a few good friends who care about me, unfortunately none I can see, 3 of 4 live abroad. The other one, I will never see again and my parents. The only thing that I stay alive for is my mom because she needs me and has even told me that recently, but I feel this is a burden because I don't want to let my mom down, yet I don't want to be here anymore, I want to finally be free from everything.
I know at least one person will try and help, but I don't think I want help, just telling my story, hopefully it can enlighten someone else into avoiding a similar fate. Though maybe I do want help, unfortunately no one has a pill to cure all my problems and make me "normal" and a functioning human being and I think thats what I am searching for...I will never find it. Happiness does not exist for me, it died long ago and left me with my torment, I'm hoping that 2012 is true so it can all end for me. Also I've already thought of a way to end my suffering, and I'd make sure it would happen at work. So I could give a final message to be delievered to my parents and I know someone would more than likely be by my side in my final moments on this god forsaken earth.
It's ironic, I had dreams that I wanted to accomplish such as:
Kissing a girl on the Eiffel tower at night.
Biking across a country
but all that is gone. I haven't felt the touch of a woman in over a year, and I'm not even talking about anything sexual but not even a handshake. I've become so numb inside and outside. I want it all to end, I'd give my life to my friend who suffers from MS, in my death she would be heal.
I'm sorry to have bored anyone with my story. There's so much I left out in my life story but thats just the basic and I guess need to know information. Again I apologize for such a boring read.
