do relationships help?

[Elaeagnus]

I've been lonely almost my entire life.  I've always thought that if I had just one close relationship my loneliness would be significantly decreased.  For instance, I can't help thinking that having a boyfriend, a close friend, or a strong relationship with someone in my family would make me feel not lonely.  But since I've joined this forum, I've noticed that many of the people here have spouses, children, and friends (and what sometimes seems like pretty solid relationships), and yet they are still lonely.  It's a little suprising to me, since I have always thought that having one relationship would make a world of difference.  Lots of other posters seem to share my opinion- especially people looking for a romantic relationship.

What do you guys think?  Does having someone to be close to (in any capacity) really help with loneliness?  And if not, are we approaching this from the completely wrong angle?  Should we be looking for a way to change our outlook on life instead of a way to connect with others?

 

[lonelygirl]

I've been lonely almost my entire life. I've always thought that if I had just one close relationship my loneliness would be significantly decreased. For instance, I can't help thinking that having a boyfriend, a close friend, or a strong relationship with someone in my family would make me feel not lonely. But since I've joined this forum, I've noticed that many of the people here have spouses, children, and friends (and what sometimes seems like pretty solid relationships), and yet they are still lonely. It's a little suprising to me, since I have always thought that having one relationship would make a world of difference. Lots of other posters seem to share my opinion- especially people looking for a romantic relationship.

What do you guys think? Does having someone to be close to (in any capacity) really help with loneliness? And if not, are we approaching this from the completely wrong angle? Should we be looking for a way to change our outlook on life instead of a way to connect with others?

Hmm interesting point. I have a husband and a child and yet I'm very lonely.I think what is missing is a warm circle of friends. I'm a strange person I suppose since I've only had one friend who ever understood me.

Relationships do help, though. I think friendships more than romantic relationships. If a person who is very lonely hooks up with someone for a relationship they might put too many expecations on that person. Then the person might freak out and leave and the person would feel even worse, more lonely and brokenhearted on top. So I think if you are very lonely you should work on making friends. I really want to, but don't know how.

 

[downgrade]

Even as it is, there are always more expectations in a relationship. I know, being a perfectionist, it is very hard to control my standards. I've learned to (in a relationship) except and assume the worse until otherwise proven, so my expectations aren't very high most of the time.

But when my expectations do rise, it does lead for disaster sometimes. But that's just me; we've both learned to cope with it and everything.

 

[lonely2beeme]

i think if i had a husband who made me feel very loved and needed i would be a happier person my life and self image tied up in being a wife/mother i know i cant live without my children and i think we all need one of each its a matter of balance .its the lack of balance that may keep us unhappy , i think we all need family,friends ,spouse,children ,jobs,homes,all of these things determine happiness i think and even if we only have 1 friend ,1 child ,1 spouse,1 job ,1 home no matter what as long as we have some balance then yes we ccould be happy but if i had a wonderful spose but my baby died the balance would be gone and it wouldnt matter he was great,or if i were childless i would be unhappy until we restored balance by adopting ,same with a job and a friend and so on.
sometimes i feel so selfish and ashamed ,why am i so depressed i have 3 children i should be happy to be alive and have them and see them and not worry about everythng else but the unbalance in the rest of my life makes me not able to enjoy what i do have ,in actuallity in causes me anxiety and stress wanting to make them happy when i cant even make myself happy.when i start to get really bad and stay in bed pretty much 24/7 more than 3 days well i......
i try to think of mothers in african camps with thier babies dieing from starvation and try to tell myself at least me and mine are healthy enough and alive,i try to think of people in wheelchairs who are blind and will never see thier babies smile, its depressing to try and take comfort from others misfortunes but its the only temporary cure i have each day when all the questions in my head and the fear and lonliness get too much.
and now i cry again so i am still torn at whether coming here is helpful or not ,i feel like i want to do something anything to know i am trying and yet to try means to face my problems and it makes me more depressed.to self help ,trying to get out and talk even if its only forums and online but it just keeps going off in my head like a chant "loser loser loser loser " because i come here.
i dont loook down at others for coming to this site to hang out with one anotheri dont think of that way of others i just find it weak and pathetic in me ,i am glad if it helps you guys and yet it makes me feel like such a loser that i have fallen so far........it is very confusing,all of it and i feel like i am drowning everyday.
just too much in my head all the time

 

[mimizu]

What do you guys think?  Does having someone to be close to (in any capacity) really help with loneliness?  And if not, are we approaching this from the completely wrong angle?  Should we be looking for a way to change our outlook on life instead of a way to connect with others?

Yep, I've thought of this before. Why do people feel lonely... because they want someone to be close to. But why do they want to be close to someone? What if they didn't? Then they wouldn't feel lonely.

I tried really hard to put myself in the mindset that I don't need people... but it didn't work.

It's just how humans are... we need each other.

 

[Empathy]

Yep, I've thought of this before. Why do people feel lonely... because they want someone to be close to. But why do they want to be close to someone? What if they didn't? Then they wouldn't feel lonely.

I tried really hard to put myself in the mindset that I don't need people... but it didn't work.

It's just how humans are... we need each other.

/agree

 

[angeLLblueshadow]

I've been lonely almost my entire life. I've always thought that if I had just one close relationship my loneliness would be significantly decreased. For instance, I can't help thinking that having a boyfriend, a close friend, or a strong relationship with someone in my family would make me feel not lonely. But since I've joined this forum, I've noticed that many of the people here have spouses, children, and friends (and what sometimes seems like pretty solid relationships), and yet they are still lonely. It's a little suprising to me, since I have always thought that having one relationship would make a world of difference. Lots of other posters seem to share my opinion- especially people looking for a romantic relationship.

What do you guys think? Does having someone to be close to (in any capacity) really help with loneliness? And if not, are we approaching this from the completely wrong angle? Should we be looking for a way to change our outlook on life instead of a way to connect with others?

i share your oppinion compleatlly, from the time i started feeling lonely i thought that a relashionship would be the answer to everything, i still think this! but i did notice people that have this and are still lonely...i guess it's like what every person needs...i think that relashionships are the answers, but maybe as you said maybe we just have to look at life differently, i think we should find a balance in everything...i have to admit that the answer i've always had for my problems was a strong relashionship, but after reading your post it really made me think...maybe i really was looking at my problems in a wrong way...loneliness is a really hard thing to understand and i don't think any of us will understand it...but we can at least try!

 

[Elaeagnus]

Even as it is, there are always more expectations in a relationship. I know, being a perfectionist, it is very hard to control my standards. I've learned to (in a relationship) except and assume the worse until otherwise proven, so my expectations aren't very high most of the time.

But when my expectations do rise, it does lead for disaster sometimes. But that's just me; we've both learned to cope with it and everything.

I'm the same way. I always expect the worst. It's too easy for me to get hurt if I have high hopes. But no matter how bitter and jaded I get, I've always still got this little bit of hope in me. Everytime I have a nice conversation or meet a new person, there is a tiny part of me that can't help thinking that maybe we'll end up really great friends. Never works of course, but I think it's easier to deal with when I keep my expectations in check.

 

[justjames]

just having a relationship arbitrarily because you're lonely won't work out in the end. i think if i find someone who i identify with, so that we both understand each other and accept each other for who we are, then the loneliness would genuinely be cured. but just seeing anyone you can to avoid being lonely may work briefly, but ultimately you will feel lonely even in that relationship.

 

[BrokenDreams]

I agree that having relationships do help you feel less lonely. The one thing I like about school is seeing some of my friends. I'm just really lonely since I'm used to being ignored by my parents and stuck alone all day at home. My friends are usually too busy to get together. And even if they aren't, I'm not outgoing enough to invite them over.

And as for dating, I wouldn't know having no experience with it. I guess it would probably make you feel a little less lonely, but breakups would be hard. You would probably feel even worse. I have no luck with dating. No guys want to date the quiet, shy girl who cries easily, and isn't the most attractive thing around.

 

[In The Matrix]

I echo a lot of your thoughts here. I've been in a few relationships, and I feel they've all gone downhill either because we have become bored of each other as the passion died out, or our expectations of each other kept rising. In the end, I felt much more lonely because I no longer had that constant emotional high I got from knowing and being with a girl who was cool and attractive and who wanted to be with me.

You don't really need that special someone in order to not feel so lonely. You just need friends you respect who will call you on a regular basis to hang out or do fun stuff together. That's manageable, unlike a volatile relationship. People with whom you could be brutally honest about your thoughts and who still like you for who you are.

Where do you find friends like that? That's everyone's question. It depends how humble you are and how capable you are at overlooking the values that have been set by the society for us. After that, you can find friends as easily as registering yourself on this forum and taking the time to read posts and pming people. In fact, it's as easy as networking all those who have this common problem of feeling alone who live in the same area to meet for coffee one day.

At school, it's as easy as looking for that obviously shy and lonely schoolmate and befriending them. What's stopping you? Obviously the 1) fear that they might become a freak show or a dependent burden, 2) reputation you might bring upon yourself for hanging around that person or those 'kinds' of people.

It's a cruel world out there.

 

[AllAlone1]

I agree with what you all have said here relationship don't necessarily help I have been with the same mate for almost 10 years and have kids and I still feel lonely sometimes. I think its the common interest that is shared in the relationship that usually dictates whether the relationship will be a close friendship/romantic relationship or just a casual acquaintance . I think I am a very eclectic person aside from the norm but most people who meet would never know that because I hide it very well and I sorta have because I work in the health/transportation industry and their needs come before mines but usually I am very lonely person even in crowded room full of people unless we share most of the same common interest but even that doesn't totally negate the feeling but these days I am doing alot better concerning this, Its generally not as big of a problem for me as it used to be when I was younger, I have come to terms with it for the most part, I mean sure some days are a little harder than others but knowing who I am and where I come from is big help.

 

[heretostay]

What do you guys think?  Does having someone to be close to (in any capacity) really help with loneliness?  And if not, are we approaching this from the completely wrong angle?  Should we be looking for a way to change our outlook on life instead of a way to connect with others?

having people has never abated my loneliness. and my romantic relationship has only made my loneliness worse. i found the only thing that has helped me forget my loneliness was when i had a job i really liked. i think its a sense of purpose that gets rid of the loneliness the most.

being really busy with school has helped me. im on break right now so my loneliness is creeping up again.

 

[frey12]

Just because you have a relationship or connection it may not do anything. Say you are married, but you are so busy stuck in life, you never get the time to spend quality time together. Talking, having fun with each other, the moment alone together. People and I myself see people as families and think they aren't lonely but then you see so many people with those very things and you have to remember something. Life isn't perfect and just because they have these things it may not be in the way they wanted or need. Things aren't perfect. So I would say a good relationship does help. But a bad one doesn't.

 

[blue_azure]

I've been lonely almost my entire life.  I've always thought that if I had just one close relationship my loneliness would be significantly decreased.  For instance, I can't help thinking that having a boyfriend, a close friend, or a strong relationship with someone in my family would make me feel not lonely.  

Well I can relate to that. I always felt that if I were to have a bf, my loneliness will be gone. But hey, that is not realistic. I know I want somebody special in my life yet I seem to have no attraction to any guys I see. Guess what I'm looking for is a soulmate. Oh well. I guess I'll leave it to fate.

 

[SilentThinker]

Having a friend gives you a sense of security.

As for loneliness,it is a choice that we made.We can choose not to feel lonely even when we have no friends.

 

[Frostburn]

My own source of loneliness and depression stems from lack of romantic relationship and very low self-esteem. I don't expect my problems to totally fade away if I would somehow manage to get a girl to like me, but I would assume it would do wonders to my ego. I would still need to work on my self-esteem even while in the relationship, but it is lot easier to build healthy self-esteem when you feel you are truly appreciated. To this day I have had no girl show me any romantic interest (quite the opposite), so it is hard to convince yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. Even if you would have other people telling you otherwise.

Relationships are not magical cure for things as some here have pointed out already. It depends on many things if the relationship will have positive impact on you or not, but to some relationships may be the boost they need to stand on their own feet. Itself though even good relationship wont fix anything.

 

[InDespair]

Maybe we have to stop looking to others in order to find our own happiness. If I wasn't in a relationship I didn't feel complete and that's not good, because when that person walks out of your life you become a mess. I needed to learn to be happy with myself and when people become a part of that experience, then they enhance my life, not become my life. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean that you won't be lonely. That person/s may not be giving you what you need on an emotional level and even though you love them, you still feel empty. Having friends is so valuable, because they can lift you up when you need it. For those that don't have any friends I think it can be very hard, but you have to fill your life up with things that interest you and you'll eventually find friends. There are people I know that have been single a long time and love the simplicity & dignity of it. But I think it all comes down to how happy we are with ourselves and that determines how we interpret what we need in our life.