1, I didn't do it.
2, I'm not her escape goat
3, I'm not a fucken doormate
4, I'm not going to blame myself for loving someone
5. She blamed me for all her fucken problems.
6. It's wasnt my chioce that she got up everyday and got messed up out of ther fucken mind.
I took my steps. I made a list of all the people I've harmed in my life.
I made amends for the wreckage I've cuased.
I cleaned and is cleaning up my side of street.
I know who I hurted
It wasn't ALL my fault. I'm not perfect. I took a long hard look in the mirror
or took a moral inventory of myself. I didn't cuase people harmed or problems
all my life. I didn't make mistakes all my life. I have plenty of good qualities
that out wieght my bad qualities. I did a lot of good things in my life.
I got totally shited faced and lived a rackless life style for 5 years out of 43 years
of my life. I got clean and sober at a very young age of 22. My list of wreackage and
distructions arn't as long as others...I'm not going to compair myself to other people.
I'm not confused. I'm not immesh. I'm not taking things out of context.
Yes, yes,...I know about I'm responsible for all my thoughts, feelings and happiness.
I'm clear about this. Screw fucken guilt.
The steps gose in sequence for reasons...
yes, I made chioces..I didn't not put myself in the position to get harmed.
I was willing to stay open, to live, to love, to try and try again.
And I'm not going blame myself for this.
Sherry (ex-gf) and Michelle (ex-wf) is not the same person. I hurted Michelle.
I wasn't the same when I met Sherry.
I'm not taking the blames for what other men had done to Sherry. I don't know who the fresia Tom, Dick and Harry is...but
I swear to ya...I thought they were my best friends becuase she talks and blamed me for thier bullshit all the time...
I'm not cleaning up Sherry's mess...not anymore.
I tried to make things better/up through Sherry becuase of the guilt and shame I carried around for hurting Michelle.
The healing came from when I was given an oppurtunity to make my amends directly to Michelle...For this I'm very grateful.
I huted her so much Michelle cutted me out of her life...
Michelle and I have a relationship today...I'll take my share of the blame for ******* up our marriage..
She has done the same....We both took onwership of our mistakes. No more blaming or sweeping things under the rug.
We faced it. We confronted it. We dealt with it. We have forgiven each other and willing to move on with our lives.
I blamed Michelle for our divorce for the longest time. Little did I know how much she really love me and cares for me.
I hurted people that cares for me and love me the most...
I can't change the pass. All I can do is move forward and not cause harm to myself or anyone else anymore. I love her very much.
As much as I love Michelle...I love myself a thousand times more. The biggest amends I have to make is to me. I hurted myself the most.
I put myself on the bottom of the list becuase of all the guilt and shame...
Some people might deem that as codependency....taking care of other people's wants first instead of my needs.
The guilt is subtle...it's as simple as,.. I'll perchase an item for myself that I really want (which takes me forever to do)
but I'll take the merchandize back. Yet, i don't have a hard time buying expensive items for other people....
The effects are the same in other area of my life...
As i stated...I took an inventory of myself....I'm more aware of these behaviors.
I've also learned to set healthy boundaires in my life. I know how to have boundaries and not walls today.
Life is not all rossie and there's plenty of messed people in this world. The devil dosn't have a tail or a pitch fork...It has a blue dress on.
It's my chioce and responsiblities to filter those poeple out of my life. In so many ways I've stopped playing the blame game.
At the sametime...I'm not going to blame myself if someone tries manipulate me or spin me....Screw guilt.
I'm not always on high alert, in good spirit all the time..I have my moments when I've very vunable. In this way I'm not perfect either.
I still have my moment of doughts, fears and craziest just like everyone else. I don't react or over react like I used too.
I'm still work in progress. Progress not perfections.
