Don't you just love Mondays?

[Lone Apothecary]

Yeah, I know, it's Tuesday now, but I started the winter semester at college yesterday and the honeysuckle also hit the fan yesterday. I don't have many people to talk to, and I always feel selfish putting my problems on others, but I'm just so flustered right now and I don't know what to do. I suppose this is in part an attempt to organize my thoughts.

2012 was the roughest year of my life (I'm only 19, so that's liable to change). I started college and about halfway through the semester I was plagued with suicidal thoughts and I nearly broke down. I ended up at the hospital, finally getting the help I'd needed for quite some time. I talked to a few people and then I was assessed. Now, I'm on a waiting list for therapy and I've got an appointment scheduled for next Monday with my doctor to get a prescription. It's always Monday. Treatment being within grasp gave me hope and lifted my spirits. I felt good for a change, but it didn't last.

There was some tension here last night and it set me off. I can only imagine that I have PTSD. Ever since I saw a drunken fool assault my mother when I was younger, I haven't been able to handle conflict situations. I grabbed my pocket knife and I wanted to smash out the window in my room, crawl out, run to the neighbor's house, and call the cops. I didn't, but what I did wasn't much better and now I feel like trash. Things weren't as serious as they seemed, but that didn't stop me from falling back into the mindset of a frightened child. Nobody got hurt, but if anyone did, or if it ever happens again and someone does get hurt, I don't think I could live with myself.

In frustration, I exclaimed to my mother how I "couldn't handle this" and I mentioned being suicidal. She's convinced these rare conflicts are the sole cause of it and now she thinks it's her fault because she's in her 30's and still living with her parents along with me and my little brother. She's said many times that she wanted to get out on her own, but I think she's committed to it this time. She wasn't home when I got back from college. She's probably going to end up at her friend's place until she finds an apartment. That's probably for the best.

I wanted to finish this semester and go to university. Get out on my own and follow my dreams, you know? Now, I'm stuck in a rut. I did really well last semester, too. My average was in the high 80's and all that jazz, but the winter semester just started and I already feel the pervasive suicidal dread creeping in. I don't think I can handle another semester, let alone years of university. Now I'm just evaluating my options. I could try slogging through this semester and wait to start therapy. I could try checking myself into the psych ward. I could drop out, take a long road trip, throw caution to the wind, and do whatever it takes to get a place of my own in another town. I'm not at a loss for options, but contemplating them all is driving me up the wall.

Don't you folks just love Mondays? I sure do.

 

[LoneKiller]

LA, I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about what you witnessed as a child and what you are going through now.
I too was admitted to the city hospital years ago because I cut my wrist. Constant thoughts of suicide haunted me every day.

Your mother blames herself because she like any other mother that loves their children, tend to blame themselves when one of them gets sick mentally or other negative things. That's just the way mothers are.

I was admitted to the psych ward of the hospital for evaluation also. I was there for like 2 months or something like that. That's a lot of evaluating. My mother also blamed herself.

The shrink I had to see wasn't a private one, therefore had like 10,000,000,000 files of active patients that kept him wicked busy from 8am to around 6pm every Monday-Friday. He simply didn't have much more than 20 min. to deal with each patient.

There are times when I still think about suicide, but would never do it. My doctor placed me on Risperidone and Prozac. It saved my life. You must be strong, and listen to those who care the most about you. Don't let this dire situation take you down permanently if you know what I'm saying. You must remember one thing. You have to work with your medication. They're not perfect pills with divine power, you must put in the work to get better as well.

Be strong, and continue to fight every **** day for your right to be a happy and well adjusted person in this world. Should you be thinking about taking your life when you are feeling down, before you do so I ask that you please contact me and we'll see if we can't keep you in the fight.

God Bless you and your loved ones.
LK

 

[Veruca]

I'm sorry you had to experience that as a child LA. That's horrible.

And I agree with everything LK has said. Parents will always blame themselves, even when no one has done anything wrong. Its just the way it is, so you mustn't feel guilty about this.

I hope seeing the therapist will help, but if you need to take a break to figure things out, you should LA. The present moment is far more important than contemplating the future which is completely unpredictable. There is time to think about uni and what to do later.

I've experienced a couple of situations where my safety was thereatened and ever since then it has made me paranoid and anxious. I've been learning self defense techniques which is helping with the paranoia and I'm trying to meditate more often to help with the anxiety. Perhaps you can try taking up an activity that makes you feel strong and empowered too, it could be anything really...something to distract you from negative feelings.

And if you ever feel like talking to someone, pm me anytime.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

First off, thank you both for taking the time to read the post and write a response.


@LoneKiller: Yeah, I can imagine most parents are like that, but it still frustrates me when people draw wild conclusions.

Yikes, 2 months. When I went to the hospital, I was in and out rather quickly. I wasn't deemed to be a danger to myself or anyone else and apparently I'm "insightful" and I "already have half the work done." I feel worse now than I did then and I doubt they'd feel the same if I had talked to them in the condition that I've been in over the past few days.

Oh, I think about it plenty, but I'm fairly sure I don't have the guts to do it. Strength isn't something I have in spades. Cowardice is probably the reason behind me still being alive. Too cowardly to take the coward's way out, it seems. Maybe, in my case, that's a good thing. They made it very clear that the meds can help, but not resolve the entire situation. I just need to get back to the point where I have some motivation to do work rather than just wanting to curl up in a ball and rot.

I shall try, but again, strength is not my forte. Thanks for the offer, I'll consider it if/when I end up in the gutter again.


@Veruca: Horrible indeed. Nobody realized how bad it was at the time. 1 short counseling session and that was it. It wasn't nearly enough, it seems.

Luckily, guilt isn't a problem. I've got plenty of other things to feel guilty about. I can't blame myself for someone else drawing wild conclusions, but it's still a tad frustrating.

I'd love to take a break; that's why the road trip appealed to me, but I'm already back at college. Unlike last semester, I'll be getting help before things get tough, but it's going to be harder than the last semester, so I'm wondering if it'll be enough to negate the added stress, anxiety, and depression with the heavier workload. The only breaks I'm going to get are snow days. We had a snow storm and the school was closed on Thursday and Friday, but I'm just lazing around with nothing to do and it isn't helping. Stuff is creeping down the pipeline, which makes thing even worse. Soon, I'll be dealing with insurance, money, employment, housing, signing up for university, etc. I don't want to procrastinate but the "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" mentality is keeping me sane.

Paranoia on top of anxiety doesn't help. If there's tension or alcohol around me, I lose myself. Meditation is nice and I have a bunch of activities to do, mostly artistic things, but I hardly get any enjoyment out of those things. Anhedonia's a real pain in the ass.

Thanks for the offer. Again, I'll consider it, but I still feel selfish putting my problems on someone else.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Surprise! It's Monday night, and I'm miserable... again. Huzzah! I figured I'd add a few things to this thread instead of starting a new one, and, after all, it's Monday again, so it's still relevant.

I went to see my doctor again this evening. I set the appointment for 4:00PM, that way I'd have some time after my college classes to putter around for a bit. Firstly, I went to the doctor's office to see if the appointments were on schedule. The receptionist said they were about a half hour behind, so I should come back around 4:30PM instead of 4:00PM. So I did, and I ended up waiting a while to get into the office. It was about 6:00 PM when I finally got out. I got a prescription for another 2 weeks worth of Prozac along with some cream for my newly-diagnosed condition. I had some dry, flaky patches of skin; apparently I have psoriasis. That's just what I needed: more stress. Now I'm worried the psoriasis is going to get worse, and I'm worrying about a few years down the road, as, supposedly, between 10-30% of people who have psoriasis experience psoriatic arthritis. I love the thought of everyday tasks becoming nigh unbearable. I bloody love it. My symptoms are rather mild, so I'm really hoping things don't go to honeysuckle.

I also had a psychology test today. I couldn't bring myself to study much for it, so I don't think I did well. It doesn't really bother me though, which is making me even more concerned. I dread the thought of slipping back into utter apathy. I simply dread it.

Happy Monday, folks. I don't know about you all, but my academics are sliding down the drain, and I have a new life-long condition to worry about. Have a good one, I know I am. Ugh.

 

[LoneKiller]

When I was playing with one of the best chess players at our club one night, he said something to me that taught me a lesson which awesomely applies to chess and life itself. In chess,when a piece is captured, it is placed to the side of the board out of play. I and many others, have a habit of looking over to the pieces out of play as part our analysis.

Jonathan noticed me doing this and said: "..Jason, don't look at what's off the board. Look at what's on it.."

I think that in life we tend to lose focus on the things we do have by giving more thought to the things we don't have. I'm not trying to minimize the magnitude of the stress you are suffering from, but at least Prozac and treatment for psoriasis is available.

So many poor people suffer greatly because they either can't afford it, or live somewhere where meds of this caliber simply don't exist.
Prozac is known all over the world, but that doesn't mean that everyone can get it.

Just think that if you lived in some remote place in the world and were suffering from immense pain from conditions such as migraines or abscessed teeth and depression without any way obtain painkillers and antidepressants.

This very thought makes me truly grateful for what we do have.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

There's some solace to be found in that mindset, 'tis true; but, in my case, it may only be fleeting. I may not be able to afford psoriasis treatment in the future. 30 grams of ointment cost $60. That's not bad, considering I have a very mild case at the moment, but there's a good chance it's going to get worse. I have it at an early age, and there are already signs of it developing on both my arms as well as both my legs. If it gets worse, I'll need more ointment, which won't be financially feasible. That's not even considering the possibility of needing treatment for psoriatic arthritis if that develops as well. 'Tis a tad grim.

I can imagine living in awful conditions, but I'm not adapted to such conditions. My pain threshold is by no means high and I'm by no means mentally stable. Objectively, I shouldn't be complaining; I could have it far worse. Subjectively, my life is going down the drain; I haven't personally experienced such crushing helplessness and despair before.

My mental condition is whittling away at my appreciation of the things that I was once endlessly grateful for, and now my physical condition is threatening to do the same, and I'm not sure I'll be able cope with it if it keeps getting worse.

 

[perfanoff]

More ointment is definitely not going to help you. It loses efficacy over time. But make sure to keep your skin well-hydrated especially after shower. What I'd suggest for you is to immediately go to strong corticosteroids so you have a chance making it relapse before it's settled on your skin. You can also get a steroid injection. That is guaranteed to clear it for a month, and then you can hope for it not to come back.

Psoriatic arthritis: "The disease is often mild and affects only a few joints. A few people will have severe psoriatic arthritis in their hands, feet, and spine that causes deformities."

Is your psoriasis in visible places? It's very important to accept it as a part of you and not mind it when you go on about your life. This is further accentuated by the fact that it has a really strong relationship with stress. You will have to develop good ways to relieve or channel stress away, and that will help your condition. If anything, maybe it can help you become a better person

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Yesterday was awful. I skipped off of classes and stayed home alone. I spent most of the day in bed. Today was a decent day. The weather was nice, and I think I did pretty well on the Math test I had today. That said, something bad did happen. I'd been noticing over the past week that my jeans were getting loose, so I decided to weigh myself. I'm usually between 125-130 pounds, but now I'm down to 104 pounds. Somehow, I've managed to lose 20 pounds, but I have no idea how.

More ointment is definitely not going to help you. It loses efficacy over time. But make sure to keep your skin well-hydrated especially after shower. What I'd suggest for you is to immediately go to strong corticosteroids so you have a chance making it relapse before it's settled on your skin. You can also get a steroid injection. That is guaranteed to clear it for a month, and then you can hope for it not to come back.

Psoriatic arthritis: "The disease is often mild and affects only a few joints. A few people will have severe psoriatic arthritis in their hands, feet, and spine that causes deformities."

Is your psoriasis in visible places? It's very important to accept it as a part of you and not mind it when you go on about your life. This is further accentuated by the fact that it has a really strong relationship with stress. You will have to develop good ways to relieve or channel stress away, and that will help your condition. If anything, maybe it can help you become a better person

Yeah, I've heard that, and I've also heard that when you stop using the ointment, there's a chance that the condition can get worse than it was before you started. I think it's called the rebound effect. Anyways, if it gets worse at all, then I'll decide on what course of treatment to pursue. It's still winter here and the weather is a bit drier than usual, so maybe that's causing it to flare up. I can't imagine the stress is doing it much good either.

I'm blowing it a bit out of proportion by being so pessimistic about it. There's only a 10-30% chance I'll get it, meaning there's a 70-90% chance that I won't, and the chances of it being severe are even lower. I'm sure I'll worry less about it over time.

At the moment, no. Well, just as long as I don't wear shorts or sleeveless shirts, which aren't really my cup of tea anyways. You're right. Stress can be one of the things that trigger flare-ups. Developing ways of dealing with stress certainly wouldn't hurt. In fact, that would probably help me in countless ways.