I figured I'd let everyone know how I've been, though I don't know if anyone I know still comes around or not; if not then I hope others find something relatable in my story. I didn't put this in success stories because it is not one. I graduated from college with a degree in biology spring of 2011 and manged to find work with a couple of professors for 6 months afterwards. Nothing glamorous, I basically maintained the research fields by keeping them weed free and watered, lol. I spent six months after the job had ended mucking around trying to find a graduate program. I was set to attend grad school way back in September of this year, got accepted and everything. It was in an Agricultural program, I figured I could put my love of plants to a practical purpose and give myself a better shot at getting a job than if I had just gone into a generic Botany program, seemed perfect right?
Well... Shortly after getting orientated into the program, I had what one might classify as a nervous breakdown. The day I was set to attend my first lecture I found that I instead drove to my sister's house over an hour away where I informed my family that I would be dropping out of grad school. Much to my surprise, they didn't seem to mind, though they did raise concerns (rightly so) about my mental health and suggested I see someone which I agreed to.
In the months that followed I started seeing a psychologist and that's pretty much all I've done of any worth. Besides reaffirming the fact that yes I am unfortunately autistic, I learned several disturbing things about myself that I'm not even comfortable confessing on an anonymous forum. Also, I contemplated suicide more often than I'd like to admit and completely reassessed my life goals all of which was done under the constant companion known as loneliness. For there is no greater incentive to avoid people than crippling insanity.
And I don't use the term insanity lightly, I've thought about committing myself to a mental institution once or twice. A weird thing started happening where most nights I wake up while still dreaming. I open my eyes and see all sorts of crazy things. I think it might be sleep paralysis but the frequency which it occurs for me is unheard of; almost every night sometimes up to 20 times in a single night. It's perhaps stress related too but my life is as unstressful as it can possibly be, I don't work and I rarely talk to anyone besides my psychologist. She recommended maybe I should get a sleep study done and I think I will but that is ironically stressful in and of itself. Soon I will have to move back home because of finances which is an undesirable state to say the least.
So basically, I fell off the wagon face first. Now I have no idea what to do with my life and have pretty much given up on all human contact. So... Nevermore, now with 66% more crazy!
For more information about crazy read The Bell Jar, I highly recommend it.
Well... Shortly after getting orientated into the program, I had what one might classify as a nervous breakdown. The day I was set to attend my first lecture I found that I instead drove to my sister's house over an hour away where I informed my family that I would be dropping out of grad school. Much to my surprise, they didn't seem to mind, though they did raise concerns (rightly so) about my mental health and suggested I see someone which I agreed to.
In the months that followed I started seeing a psychologist and that's pretty much all I've done of any worth. Besides reaffirming the fact that yes I am unfortunately autistic, I learned several disturbing things about myself that I'm not even comfortable confessing on an anonymous forum. Also, I contemplated suicide more often than I'd like to admit and completely reassessed my life goals all of which was done under the constant companion known as loneliness. For there is no greater incentive to avoid people than crippling insanity.
And I don't use the term insanity lightly, I've thought about committing myself to a mental institution once or twice. A weird thing started happening where most nights I wake up while still dreaming. I open my eyes and see all sorts of crazy things. I think it might be sleep paralysis but the frequency which it occurs for me is unheard of; almost every night sometimes up to 20 times in a single night. It's perhaps stress related too but my life is as unstressful as it can possibly be, I don't work and I rarely talk to anyone besides my psychologist. She recommended maybe I should get a sleep study done and I think I will but that is ironically stressful in and of itself. Soon I will have to move back home because of finances which is an undesirable state to say the least.
So basically, I fell off the wagon face first. Now I have no idea what to do with my life and have pretty much given up on all human contact. So... Nevermore, now with 66% more crazy!
For more information about crazy read The Bell Jar, I highly recommend it.
