So I turned 56 today. I’m currently in a place called Byron Bay on the east coast of Australia, which is quite beautiful and I can see why celebrities come here, although I’d hate it here in summer. It’s busy enough now even in winter. There’s also a music festival going on, which is where my two youngest daughters are attending, while my wife and I try to enjoy our time here. The weather is great. So great that there are many young people out enjoying the sun and beach, in their youthful bodies, looking beautiful and sexy, especially the girls in their string bikinis or trendy skins. It’s like they’re wearing nothing at all. So I’m living in a fantasy world in my head as I walk around with my wife, who has trouble drawing deep enough breaths because of her weight, which she regularly reminds me she needs to lose. I’m well aware that I’m not only beyond ever being with such gorgeous women, but haven’t even been the type to attract them either. I’m lucky to have my wife, she’s very supportive and kind, but has never really fulfilled my desires even though we’ve talked about all that sort of stuff in the past, done counseling and relationship courses. I’ve given up any of the fantasy expectations I might have once had and now just plod along, being a nice person and not being an over emotional and over reactive person I once was while struggling with my really bad depression. Since I’ve managed to successfully deal with it for the most part and mended many bridges I’d damaged with my family, I’ve conceded to knowing that any real exciting joyful amazing climactic experiences will forever elude me. I try to cling to a hope that there still might be something to look forward to, but it’s difficult to imagine and having expectations is fraught with disappointment. And so, here I am, heading toward 60, feeling fit and healthy in a lovely location, taking in what’s around me the best I can and trying to make the most of my time here with my wife, but with a lingering feeling of despondency and some regret. Oh well, I know it’s just how we look at things and how we deal with things, so it’s all on me. No need to respond, I just wanted a selfish moment to be sorrowful, which isn’t nice considering so many people are in awful situations far worse and destructive than mine. I should be more grateful that I have what I have. I apologise to all those who have something to really feel poorly about.
For starters, I want to just say that I think it's OK and valid to vent about things. Obviously you have something on your chest so there's no point denying it, you might as well say what you're thinking and feeling. I feel like there's been a backlash against people saying that they're not fine with the way things are, and I don't understand. Telling people who complain to shut up, doesn't make their problems magically disappear. It just sweeps it under the rug, to rear its ugly head another day.
I get that complaining is often not an appealing conversation piece, for various reasons, but at the same time, I don't see how denial is any better.
But yeah, I just wanted to say I related to some of your post. The last couple years, I also realized that I was never the kind of person to attract the traditional "hot girls" either. But I also felt like, it wasn't because I was doing something wrong, or that I was limited or inferior in some way, as I used to fear and beat myself up for - it's that it's who I am. I could wake up tomorrow with a body full of muscles, a million dollars in the bank, I could be a literal rock star, but I would still be the same "me". I just don't connect with that kind of person, usually because I disagree with them on a fundamental level. Our interests, personalities, attitudes, beliefs, views, and values are not the same and often directly opposed. They're often cold, callous, and unfriendly because they believe they belong, by birth, to some kind of superior class or breed of person. I'm the opposite, I believe in being warm and friendly because it's what I was taught, what feels right to me, and what I feel would make the world better if more people acted this way. They tend to value traits in men that I not only don't have, but disagree with/dislike - that I think the world should value LESS, not MORE - that I think we as a species should grow up and out of - such as attention-seeking behavior, lewd and crudeness/vulgarity, recklessness/risk-taking, cunning/quick thinking/teasing, cold emotionlessness, the antagonistic socially dominant aka a**hole personality, and viewing everything as some kind of transaction or competition, a constant game of one-upmanship. They tend to like survival of the fittest/natural selection/Darwinian competition/social hierarchies, because they've been benefitting from it their whole lives - people tend to like systems that deal them to the top. Meanwhile, I hate it. I've always thought it was bs and always thought it was wrong. Because of all that, we tend to be incompatible.
Additionally, I also struggle with having hope that there might be something to look forward to, for many reasons both in the world, and personally. It feels like things will just keep getting worse. I hate the level I'm at, I've always hated it and I only hate it more the worse it gets, and I hope there's something I can do to get somewhere meaningfully and significantly better than this, but I don't know how I can do it. I try to tell myself that I don't know everything, so maybe all isn't lost yet. And that I never really tried not giving up - I always kind of defaulted to hopelessness, feeling like there was probably nothing I could do and any attempt I could make to get anywhere better probably wouldn't work because I probably wasn't lucky enough to be good enough, or just wasn't lucky enough at all. But maybe I missed something. I always just kind of did whatever, out of feeling like it's probably not going to work anyway so it doesn't matter. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
Anyway getting back to the looks thing - sure, those other women might be hot, but you might not actually like living with them day to day, as much as you like living with your wife (I assume you do). That's one big thing I realized in life, that the women I might want to sleep with the most, aren't necessarily the women I like the most as people, or that I even like them at all. I wouldn't enjoy having them in my life, because I don't find them interesting, can't share my interests with them, they don't make me care about them emotionally, and they don't make me feel good to be around them. I came to realize, that those were the really important things.
Life's too short to spend with someone hot but that you don't like, cause you're living a lie, and then even the hotness fades eventually. Then you're just left with someone that you don't even like that much. And I can imagine that would feel pretty lonely after all.
are you readers doing ... I have big time ADD I'm unable to read many of the threads) ... if you'd had one of those gorgeous women you soon get used to it and crave for another one
or at least… thats what I tell myself 
. We picked up the discussion later in a quieter way.
