My Woe-Is-Me Moment

[okidoke]

So I turned 56 today. I’m currently in a place called Byron Bay on the east coast of Australia, which is quite beautiful and I can see why celebrities come here, although I’d hate it here in summer. It’s busy enough now even in winter. There’s also a music festival going on, which is where my two youngest daughters are attending, while my wife and I try to enjoy our time here. The weather is great. So great that there are many young people out enjoying the sun and beach, in their youthful bodies, looking beautiful and sexy, especially the girls in their string bikinis or trendy skins. It’s like they’re wearing nothing at all. So I’m living in a fantasy world in my head as I walk around with my wife, who has trouble drawing deep enough breaths because of her weight, which she regularly reminds me she needs to lose. I’m well aware that I’m not only beyond ever being with such gorgeous women, but haven’t even been the type to attract them either. I’m lucky to have my wife, she’s very supportive and kind, but has never really fulfilled my desires even though we’ve talked about all that sort of stuff in the past, done counseling and relationship courses. I’ve given up any of the fantasy expectations I might have once had and now just plod along, being a nice person and not being an over emotional and over reactive person I once was while struggling with my really bad depression. Since I’ve managed to successfully deal with it for the most part and mended many bridges I’d damaged with my family, I’ve conceded to knowing that any real exciting joyful amazing climactic experiences will forever elude me. I try to cling to a hope that there still might be something to look forward to, but it’s difficult to imagine and having expectations is fraught with disappointment. And so, here I am, heading toward 60, feeling fit and healthy in a lovely location, taking in what’s around me the best I can and trying to make the most of my time here with my wife, but with a lingering feeling of despondency and some regret. Oh well, I know it’s just how we look at things and how we deal with things, so it’s all on me. No need to respond, I just wanted a selfish moment to be sorrowful, which isn’t nice considering so many people are in awful situations far worse and destructive than mine. I should be more grateful that I have what I have. I apologise to all those who have something to really feel poorly about.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Sorry no one replied, I hope you managed to enjoy your birthday

My aunts husband is allowed to cheat on his birthday, and he actually sticks to it, he only sleeps with other women once a year. My aunt comes to my mums house once a year and cries all night whilst the deed is done, but they’ve been married a while and it works for them… anyway

 

[Cherubino]

Happy Birthday After (what the are you readers doing ... I have big time ADD I'm unable to read many of the threads) ... if you'd had one of those gorgeous women you soon get used to it and crave for another one

Sorry no one replied, I hope you managed to enjoy your birthday

My aunts husband is allowed to cheat on his birthday, and he actually sticks to it, he only sleeps with other women once a year. My aunt comes to my mums house once a year and cries all night whilst the deed is done, but they’ve been married a while and it works for them… anyway

so Un-British she accepts that

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Happy Birthday After (what the are you readers doing ... I have big time ADD I'm unable to read many of the threads) ... if you'd had one of those gorgeous women you soon get used to it and crave for another one


so Un-British she accepts that

Very true my hot looks can only keep a man interested for a limited time then they crave and want ugly women to test their manhood or at least… thats what I tell myself

Hmmm just wondering but @okidoke are you one of them Aussies who walk around with sunscreen on ya nose?

 

[Unsigned]

Happy belated birthday @okidoke !
You have a legacy to leave - your children.
Your bloodline will continue and your DNA will be passed on.
That is worth more than any number of meaningless encounters.
Much, much more.

 

[okidoke]

...... are you one of them Aussies who walk around with sunscreen on ya nose?

If it's high uv day, I just wear a hat.

Happy belated birthday @okidoke !
You have a legacy to leave - your children.
Your bloodline will continue and your DNA will be passed on.
That is worth more than any number of meaningless encounters.
Much, much more.

I'm not worried about legacies, and my kids are adamant they're not having kids. They don't want to pass on the bad ailments they suffer. I don't blame them.

Sorry no one replied, I hope you managed to enjoy your birthday

I'm not fussed about birthday wishes, but thx.

 

[TheSkaFish]

So I turned 56 today. I’m currently in a place called Byron Bay on the east coast of Australia, which is quite beautiful and I can see why celebrities come here, although I’d hate it here in summer. It’s busy enough now even in winter. There’s also a music festival going on, which is where my two youngest daughters are attending, while my wife and I try to enjoy our time here. The weather is great. So great that there are many young people out enjoying the sun and beach, in their youthful bodies, looking beautiful and sexy, especially the girls in their string bikinis or trendy skins. It’s like they’re wearing nothing at all. So I’m living in a fantasy world in my head as I walk around with my wife, who has trouble drawing deep enough breaths because of her weight, which she regularly reminds me she needs to lose. I’m well aware that I’m not only beyond ever being with such gorgeous women, but haven’t even been the type to attract them either. I’m lucky to have my wife, she’s very supportive and kind, but has never really fulfilled my desires even though we’ve talked about all that sort of stuff in the past, done counseling and relationship courses. I’ve given up any of the fantasy expectations I might have once had and now just plod along, being a nice person and not being an over emotional and over reactive person I once was while struggling with my really bad depression. Since I’ve managed to successfully deal with it for the most part and mended many bridges I’d damaged with my family, I’ve conceded to knowing that any real exciting joyful amazing climactic experiences will forever elude me. I try to cling to a hope that there still might be something to look forward to, but it’s difficult to imagine and having expectations is fraught with disappointment. And so, here I am, heading toward 60, feeling fit and healthy in a lovely location, taking in what’s around me the best I can and trying to make the most of my time here with my wife, but with a lingering feeling of despondency and some regret. Oh well, I know it’s just how we look at things and how we deal with things, so it’s all on me. No need to respond, I just wanted a selfish moment to be sorrowful, which isn’t nice considering so many people are in awful situations far worse and destructive than mine. I should be more grateful that I have what I have. I apologise to all those who have something to really feel poorly about.

For starters, I want to just say that I think it's OK and valid to vent about things. Obviously you have something on your chest so there's no point denying it, you might as well say what you're thinking and feeling. I feel like there's been a backlash against people saying that they're not fine with the way things are, and I don't understand. Telling people who complain to shut up, doesn't make their problems magically disappear. It just sweeps it under the rug, to rear its ugly head another day.

I get that complaining is often not an appealing conversation piece, for various reasons, but at the same time, I don't see how denial is any better.

But yeah, I just wanted to say I related to some of your post. The last couple years, I also realized that I was never the kind of person to attract the traditional "hot girls" either. But I also felt like, it wasn't because I was doing something wrong, or that I was limited or inferior in some way, as I used to fear and beat myself up for - it's that it's who I am. I could wake up tomorrow with a body full of muscles, a million dollars in the bank, I could be a literal rock star, but I would still be the same "me". I just don't connect with that kind of person, usually because I disagree with them on a fundamental level. Our interests, personalities, attitudes, beliefs, views, and values are not the same and often directly opposed. They're often cold, callous, and unfriendly because they believe they belong, by birth, to some kind of superior class or breed of person. I'm the opposite, I believe in being warm and friendly because it's what I was taught, what feels right to me, and what I feel would make the world better if more people acted this way. They tend to value traits in men that I not only don't have, but disagree with/dislike - that I think the world should value LESS, not MORE - that I think we as a species should grow up and out of - such as attention-seeking behavior, lewd and crudeness/vulgarity, recklessness/risk-taking, cunning/quick thinking/teasing, cold emotionlessness, the antagonistic socially dominant aka a**hole personality, and viewing everything as some kind of transaction or competition, a constant game of one-upmanship. They tend to like survival of the fittest/natural selection/Darwinian competition/social hierarchies, because they've been benefitting from it their whole lives - people tend to like systems that deal them to the top. Meanwhile, I hate it. I've always thought it was bs and always thought it was wrong. Because of all that, we tend to be incompatible.

Additionally, I also struggle with having hope that there might be something to look forward to, for many reasons both in the world, and personally. It feels like things will just keep getting worse. I hate the level I'm at, I've always hated it and I only hate it more the worse it gets, and I hope there's something I can do to get somewhere meaningfully and significantly better than this, but I don't know how I can do it. I try to tell myself that I don't know everything, so maybe all isn't lost yet. And that I never really tried not giving up - I always kind of defaulted to hopelessness, feeling like there was probably nothing I could do and any attempt I could make to get anywhere better probably wouldn't work because I probably wasn't lucky enough to be good enough, or just wasn't lucky enough at all. But maybe I missed something. I always just kind of did whatever, out of feeling like it's probably not going to work anyway so it doesn't matter. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.

Anyway getting back to the looks thing - sure, those other women might be hot, but you might not actually like living with them day to day, as much as you like living with your wife (I assume you do). That's one big thing I realized in life, that the women I might want to sleep with the most, aren't necessarily the women I like the most as people, or that I even like them at all. I wouldn't enjoy having them in my life, because I don't find them interesting, can't share my interests with them, they don't make me care about them emotionally, and they don't make me feel good to be around them. I came to realize, that those were the really important things.

Life's too short to spend with someone hot but that you don't like, cause you're living a lie, and then even the hotness fades eventually. Then you're just left with someone that you don't even like that much. And I can imagine that would feel pretty lonely after all.

 

[Unsigned]

But I also felt like, it wasn't because I was doing something wrong, or that I was limited or inferior in some way - it's that it's who I am. I could wake up tomorrow with a body full of muscles, a million dollars in the bank, I could be a literal rock star, but I would still be the same "me".

Totally agree and same here. If I won the lottery, other than maybe getting a new place and buying a yacht or something, my social life would not change. In fact, I would have to HIDE the fact that I won from the type of girls I see.

They're often cold, callous, and unfriendly because they believe they belong, by birth, to some kind of superior class or breed of person.

I agree with this when speaking about attractive girls born well off.
The lower middle class/poorer ones (like some of the escorts I see) are a little different.
These are the ones who chase "bad boys"...and I do not mean rich rowdy frat boys and the men they become (who are bad in their own right). I men really bad boys. Violent, uneducated thugs and drug dealers often with prison records and almost always broke. My latest regular is like this. And I mean she is OBSESSED with this guy. This girl is pretty enough that she could get just about any "nice guy" she wanted just on her looks alone. But she'd rather throw her life away on a piece of garbage that hits her...and worse. I haven't seen her for a month and I will be trying to avoid contacting her going forward. Lost cause.

And I can imagine that would feel pretty lonely after all.

I told someone something similar the other day.
"Alone miserable" is better than "relationship miserable".

I'm not worried about legacies, and my kids are adamant they're not having kids. They don't want to pass on the bad ailments they suffer. I don't blame them.

Understood.
But even so, you'll have family that will care about you into old age.
I go into the abyss totally alone.
Which I am fine with...as long as I am self sufficient.
The day I need to rely on others...I'm screwed. Then it becomes rope and tree time.

 

[TheSkaFish]

My latest regular is like this. And I mean she is OBSESSED with this guy. This girl is pretty enough that she cold get just about any "nice guy" she wanted just on her looks alone. But she'd rather throw her life away on a piece of garbage that hits her...and worse. I haven't seen her for a month and I will be trying to avoid contacting her going forward. Lost cause.

That kind of reminds me of the girl I thought I wanted to attract, when I first came to this site.
I thought I really liked her, but in time, I realized that she didn't want to change. That kind of person, is who she really was. And when I realized that, I just got burnt out on the whole thing. I got tired of throwing good time after bad. I only wished I realized it sooner, I could have been a lot happier, before things started to get really bad in my life.

I think your decision to cut her off, is a good move. People like that have to want to change, but most of them don't because they don't see it as a problem. In the end it's not worth beating yourself up or losing sleep over.

I told someone something similar the other day.
"Alone miserable" is better than "relationship miserable".

I don't know about that though. I've been "alone miserable" my entire adult life. I'm so tired of it...it makes me tired, constantly.

 

[Unsigned]

I don't know about that though. I've been "alone miserable" my entire adult life. I'm so tired of it...it makes me tired, constantly.

Here's what I think about.
We've all see couples arguing in public. Like at Home Depot or Walmart or something.
I feel very uncomfortable just witnessing that.
Now imagine...you're stuck with that person. Seven days a week.
I dunno man...alone miserable seems "better" to me. A higher rung of Hell, anyways...

 

[Walnut]

I can relate to a lot of what has been said here. Everyone (regardless of gender) is conditioned to believe that physical beauty is a must. I think it screws us up to instantly eliminate the lower half for not being physically attractive.

These days, I would do anything to meet a ugly woman who was respectful and shared some of the hobbies I do.

I am fortunate that I’ve had a relationship. And I went absolutely insane trying to find another one. Now I do my best to live my best life alone. I’m kinda successful at that. I don’t know what else to do???

 

[Walnut]

I’ve been miserable alone and in a relationship. There are advantages to both.

 

[user 139760]

Here's what I think about.
We've all see couples arguing in public. Like at Home Depot or Walmart or something.
I feel very uncomfortable just witnessing that.
Now imagine...you're stuck with that person. Seven days a week.
I dunno man...alone miserable seems "better" to me. A higher rung of Hell, anyways...

I have a great way to disarm that, actually did that once with the mother of my kids. She was mad at me for I don't remember what reason and we were both arguing and she was getting louder than I felt comfortable with. I remembered a joke from a well known humorist here. "Oh yeah? If you keep insisting on that, I'm getting on the floor and rolling around". And I did lol. About 20 people staring at me. She was so suddenly ashamed she forgot to be mad . We picked up the discussion later in a quieter way.
Conflict is a part of any relationship. The thing is though, when you actually care about the other party and want things to work out, tou try and find ways to diminish the bad when it happens and savor the good.

 

[okidoke]

@TheSkaFish thx for your words. Of course I already know in my head everything you said and I agree. In fact, even while drooling over some I saw I thought about what their personalities might be like to live with, or even if they were good, how they’d put up with my crappy traits. I guess it’s more like feeling you’ve missed out, which has been talked about on the forum before. I should be more grateful for what I’ve got, even it’s it not ideal, or ideal in my head at least.