Everyday I wonder

[anidealofhope]

Everyday I wonder...will it change? Will she finally see me as something worth loving? Someone worth giving importance to? There's so much I would do to see a smile on her face...yet it doesn't matter. Because she won't know. She can't know. It'd ruin everything. Or would it? Is there someone out there feeling the same way I do? Or am I alone? Is she happy? Is there something I could do to help? Should I send her a message? No, she'll think there's something more to it, or she'll think I'm annoying. But would she? Or could she be feeling horrible and need to talk to someone? Maybe sending her a message could let her realise how much I care?

These are just some of the cyclic thoughts that run through the mind of Ryan every single day. Someone who loves someone more than anything else. Who feels lonely with amazing people surrounding him. Amazing friends. Loving family. Yet he still feels lonely? How the hell is that even possible? Because he has loved someone as if they are the most precious thing in his life. And then he finally figures out a way to move on...and then ends up falling again, but even harder this time. How do I know this guy so much? Because I am him.

The days drag, watching all your friends in happy relationships, seeing them all happy: smiling and laughing with their significant others. I know it's a completely obvious question, but I still ask myself everyday the same thing, “where's mine?” Where's my happy relationship? Where's my intimacy and love? But even those long, brutal days aren’t as bad as the longer nights. When I clutch a pillow close to my chest, imagining that it was a girl who loved me. Dealing with that loneliness is the hardest, because even sleep doesn't take it away from you. It's constant.

So I've told you a lot, but haven't given you any context. I'm 16 years old. Ever since I first remembered, I was a guy with a dream of marrying someone. This dream is one I often keep to myself, because if I told people it, they'd say I'm such a princess or ask me where my skirt is. Because stereotypes at this age freaking suck. Anyways, back to the point. That dream has followed me throughout my life, and it affects every decision I make. Because it's the one dream I want. More than anything.

At first, I believed it would happen with a movie star. I still love her with my whole heart unrequitedly but am happy. It's not a hurtful unrequited (those come later), but rather one I know won't happen, and am at peace with it. She’s a part of me and has been for 11 years. That's a long time, but she deserves it. So maybe I have massively high expectations...and yes I still feel a lot of affection to her, but I know it's not happening. It was my first crush, my first love. And I still shove love and affection onto her so that I can at least feel like there was someone to love who wouldn't say no. Meeting her last year was a surreal experience.

Over the course of the last four years, I've had 4 crushes, 4 people I've given my heart to. Well, maybe not in the same way, the first being exactly what you assume a stupid high school crush would be. The second, quite similar. But by the third, I noticed something was different. I said I loved her to my best friend. And I really meant it then, and looking back on it, I sometimes wonder why I thought that. When she found out, she didn't take it well. Other than in a group context, we hardly talk now, and I do miss our friendship. But I knew where she stood. That was my first taste of ‘unrequited love’ in the way people describe it. I would've done nearly anything for her in that time, and lived and died on any words she said about me. This time...I fell with the understanding I wouldn't go that deep again. And trust me, I didn't. I went deeper.

I live and die with every smile on her face. I take her sadness as my own. When I see her looking down, I feel myself get sad. And I'm meant to be happy when she's happy right? Even though it's with another guy? That would be the correct thing to do. The strong thing to do. Yet somehow, someway, I can't. I will say to her that I'm glad she's happy and smile along when my friends compliment them as a couple, nodding as if I wasn't breaking inside. And I'm sure some of you may think that just telling her might be the best way to go about it. Get an answer, then move on. But the truth is, I don't know if my heart or soul can take another no and still believe in love, or someone one day falling for me. I would probably shut myself off, hell maybe even just go completely solo in life. I'm patient, and I'm willing to wait...but how long should I wait? I just don't know what my options are.

I guess I find it hard to believe in love. I see it all around me. I feel it for people. But that romantic love I have dreamt of...will it ever come back to me?

That's the question that I feel as if will never be answered. Do I just accept that I'm going to be single forever? Give up my lifelong dream? Or do I believe in the future, as hard as it is to not feel heartbroken in the present.

Thankyou so much for reading!

 

[Paraiyar]

Do you just accept that you'll be single forever at age 16? Gods no. If I were you I wouldn't even worry about anything at your age (I wish I hadn't). My advice would be just try to build up a good social circle since you'll have a higher chance of meeting someone you like who reciprocates. Just have a good think about who you'd like to be in the future and if you work towards that you're putting yourself in the best position.

In regards to letting a girl know how you feel, as I've got older I'm learning to look at this subject more pragmatically: If you don't swing the bat you have 100% chance of not connecting with the ball but if you take a swing then there is some possibility of hitting the ball even if it's slight. The feeling of wondering what could have been is worse in the long run than the short term pain of rejection, believe me on this.

 

[anidealofhope]

Do you just accept that you'll be single forever at age 16? Gods no. If I were you I wouldn't even worry about anything at your age (I wish I hadn't). My advice would be just try to build up a good social circle since you'll have a higher chance of meeting someone you like who reciprocates. Just have a good think about who you'd like to be in the future and if you work towards that you're putting yourself in the best position.

In regards to letting a girl know how you feel, as I've got older I'm learning to look at this subject more pragmatically: If you don't swing the bat you have 100% chance of not connecting with the ball but if you take a swing then there is some possibility of hitting the ball even if it's slight. The feeling of wondering what could have been is worse in the long run than the short term pain of rejection, believe me on this.

Thanks for the support It really means a lot to me!

It's so hard for me to just live life and enjoy myself. I wish I could, like that's probably the hardest thing. Just sitting around always brings the thoughts of "Am I good enough?" And "What's my future, how am I going to be happy?" To the question I just said. "Am I going to be single forever?" I shouldn't think that way, I mean it's completely catostrophic thinking, but it gets frustrating that everyone around you is in a relationship and you're sitting there holding your own hand lol. I think I've gotta find a way to keep my mind from thinking about it.

Yeah you're exactly right, and I totally get that. I think the reason this is so different is because of her already taken nature. I feel almost like if I was to tell her how I felt, she might not give the same answer she would if she was single. Maybe that's me just being a naive teen, but I feel like I'd just be swinging on a pitch in the dirt at this point, whereas I could wait for a better opportunity to present itself, a hanging pitch in the zone (going from your baseball allegory).

Again. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I really really appreciate it! Your advice is great!

God bless

 

[Menorahman]

You are only harming yourself by indulging in these thoughts.

If you don't learn to devalue women you are going to be devastated when your first relationship is over.

 

[Demian]

Do you just accept that you'll be single forever at age 16? Gods no. If I were you I wouldn't even worry about anything at your age (I wish I hadn't). My advice would be just try to build up a good social circle since you'll have a higher chance of meeting someone you like who reciprocates. Just have a good think about who you'd like to be in the future and if you work towards that you're putting yourself in the best position.

In regards to letting a girl know how you feel, as I've got older I'm learning to look at this subject more pragmatically: If you don't swing the bat you have 100% chance of not connecting with the ball but if you take a swing then there is some possibility of hitting the ball even if it's slight. The feeling of wondering what could have been is worse in the long run than the short term pain of rejection, believe me on this.

Thanks for the support It really means a lot to me!

It's so hard for me to just live life and enjoy myself. I wish I could, like that's probably the hardest thing. Just sitting around always brings the thoughts of "Am I good enough?" And "What's my future, how am I going to be happy?" To the question I just said. "Am I going to be single forever?" I shouldn't think that way, I mean it's completely catostrophic thinking, but it gets frustrating that everyone around you is in a relationship and you're sitting there holding your own hand lol. I think I've gotta find a way to keep my mind from thinking about it.

Yeah you're exactly right, and I totally get that. I think the reason this is so different is because of her already taken nature. I feel almost like if I was to tell her how I felt, she might not give the same answer she would if she was single. Maybe that's me just being a naive teen, but I feel like I'd just be swinging on a pitch in the dirt at this point, whereas I could wait for a better opportunity to present itself, a hanging pitch in the zone (going from your baseball allegory).

Again. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I really really appreciate it! Your advice is great!

God bless

Let me preface this comment with the fact that I have a wonderful wife with two great kids, so the apparently "negative" things I say about romance shouldn't be construed as bitterness from me. I first came to this forum because I've always felt an "existential" loneliness, rather than an interpersonal relationship loneliness. So with that being said...

I really connect with how you feel because I was right there with you at your age, but I think Menorahman is right, in a sense. I don't think its right to "dehumanize" women, but I think all of the romantic comedies and such in our culture tend to dramatically, ludicrously overvalue romantic relationships, making us feel as though we are empty if we don't have them... and if only, ONLY we could have our heart's desire, we'd be happy and fulfilled at last!... but in reality, romance is just one of the tiny ways we can fill up our lives with purpose. The reality is that were you to actually successfully get together with that best friend who was your crush--- if you both fell in love, had a sexual relationship, etc. etc. etc.--- it wouldn't stay that way. Not for long. No two people stay in love like that for more than a few months. You start to see the real person that they are, they fart and you smell it, and the world stops revolving around them. Love is most intense when it is unreturned, which creates the perspective that it must be GREAT once you get it. But that's just not the case. The truth is, passion tends to make people miserable. What was that famous 6 word story?

"Swooned for her. Got her. honeysuckle."

And keep in mind, I'm not saying this from the perspective of someone who is bitter and jaded because he was jilted or something. I was 15 when I got together with my wife, so my life has probably been the "happily ever after" that you think you want. However, it didn't pan out the way I think you expect that it should. Yeah, there was a girl before my wife that I swooned and obsessed over, but then I woke up and said "This can't be how it works. I'm going to find a girl who is like me, who is smart, sensible and kind, and I'm not going to let passion get in the way." And I did. It's hard to explain, but my relationship with my wife didn't start with thunder and lightening. I greatly admired her for the person that she was, but it didn't start as love at first sight. Nonetheless, we were incredibly good friends and shared a lot of positive, mutual emotions. Our feelings for each other were quiet, warm, intellectual. We decided we belonged together and we lived happily ever after. We share more affection and tenderness than any other couple we know, but the beginning of my happily ever after doesn't look anything like the scene from a romantic comedy. Nor would I want it to.

 

[anidealofhope]

Do you just accept that you'll be single forever at age 16? Gods no. If I were you I wouldn't even worry about anything at your age (I wish I hadn't). My advice would be just try to build up a good social circle since you'll have a higher chance of meeting someone you like who reciprocates. Just have a good think about who you'd like to be in the future and if you work towards that you're putting yourself in the best position.

In regards to letting a girl know how you feel, as I've got older I'm learning to look at this subject more pragmatically: If you don't swing the bat you have 100% chance of not connecting with the ball but if you take a swing then there is some possibility of hitting the ball even if it's slight. The feeling of wondering what could have been is worse in the long run than the short term pain of rejection, believe me on this.

Thanks for the support It really means a lot to me!

It's so hard for me to just live life and enjoy myself. I wish I could, like that's probably the hardest thing. Just sitting around always brings the thoughts of "Am I good enough?" And "What's my future, how am I going to be happy?" To the question I just said. "Am I going to be single forever?" I shouldn't think that way, I mean it's completely catostrophic thinking, but it gets frustrating that everyone around you is in a relationship and you're sitting there holding your own hand lol. I think I've gotta find a way to keep my mind from thinking about it.

Yeah you're exactly right, and I totally get that. I think the reason this is so different is because of her already taken nature. I feel almost like if I was to tell her how I felt, she might not give the same answer she would if she was single. Maybe that's me just being a naive teen, but I feel like I'd just be swinging on a pitch in the dirt at this point, whereas I could wait for a better opportunity to present itself, a hanging pitch in the zone (going from your baseball allegory).

Again. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I really really appreciate it! Your advice is great!

God bless

Let me preface this comment with the fact that I have a wonderful wife with two great kids, so the apparently "negative" things I say about romance shouldn't be construed as bitterness from me. I first came to this forum because I've always felt an "existential" loneliness, rather than an interpersonal relationship loneliness. So with that being said...

I really connect with how you feel because I was right there with you at your age, but I think Menorahman is right, in a sense. I don't think its right to "dehumanize" women, but I think all of the romantic comedies and such in our culture tend to dramatically, ludicrously overvalue romantic relationships, making us feel as though we are empty if we don't have them... and if only, ONLY we could have our heart's desire, we'd be happy and fulfilled at last!... but in reality, romance is just one of the tiny ways we can fill up our lives with purpose. The reality is that were you to actually successfully get together with that best friend who was your crush--- if you both fell in love, had a sexual relationship, etc. etc. etc.--- it wouldn't stay that way. Not for long. No two people stay in love like that for more than a few months. You start to see the real person that they are, they fart and you smell it, and the world stops revolving around them. Love is most intense when it is unreturned, which creates the perspective that it must be GREAT once you get it. But that's just not the case. The truth is, passion tends to make people miserable. What was that famous 6 word story?

"Swooned for her. Got her. honeysuckle."

And keep in mind, I'm not saying this from the perspective of someone who is bitter and jaded because he was jilted or something. I was 15 when I got together with my wife, so my life has probably been the "happily ever after" that you think you want. However, it didn't pan out the way I think you expect that it should. Yeah, there was a girl before my wife that I swooned and obsessed over, but then I woke up and said "This can't be how it works. I'm going to find a girl who is like me, who is smart, sensible and kind, and I'm not going to let passion get in the way." And I did. It's hard to explain, but my relationship with my wife didn't start with thunder and lightening. I greatly admired her for the person that she was, but it didn't start as love at first sight. Nonetheless, we were incredibly good friends and shared a lot of positive, mutual emotions. Our feelings for each other were quiet, warm, intellectual. We decided we belonged together and we lived happily ever after. We share more affection and tenderness than any other couple we know, but the beginning of my happily ever after doesn't look anything like the scene from a romantic comedy. Nor would I want it to.

Thankyou for this. Means a lot to me to know that someone was going through the same sort of thing and is living their life, obviously, still struggling with the loneliness but is at least kind of happy with where they ended up. I wish nothing but the best for you in your struggle with loneliness and your family

Right now, the whole idea of filling my life with purpose aside from a romantic relationship is hard to accept, because as I said originally, it's been my dream to have that kind of companionship. And I mean, all I do is essays and essays and math problems, the purpose in my life kinda seems thin, and maybe that's where my feelings of lonleliness come from and my feelings of intense love.

Now, let's get to point here, your comment is absolutely right. Maybe I'm holding this person up like they're an angel and I probably shouldn't be, I guess my issue is I don't know where to go from here. Hell, I want to believe there's someone out the who is all those things you said, kind, smart and sensible, and I think I see them in this person that I'm currently crushing on, which unfortunately probably makes things a hell of a lot more difficult. I'll be real, when I fall, I fall exceptionally hard and I think what you said is true, passion really takes a lot out of me. I'm a passionate person in everything I do, from sport to schoolwork to friendships. I'm more than happy to argue my opinion on things such as religion and stuff like that. And I guess that's probably where all that passionate love comes from, hell all my friends tell me that exact same thing. I appreciate that comment though, and the passion makes people miserable kinda thing is especially something I have to take into consideration, so absolutely Thankyou for that. It's definitely something I have to adjust.

Totally get where you're coming from and that's why this message means a lot to me! Absolutely, I think that's incredible that you and wife could be happy together with each other for this long, but I'm extremely thankful that you totally flat out said it wasn't how you'd expect things to turn out, and I totally adore that. However, for me as an individual, I find it hard to believe in any scope of the imagination, that that could be possible for me. I guess that's probably why I throw myself into loving someone so much is because it all just seems impossible for someone to love me for me haha, so I've got to find a way to get all those passionate feelings out in a good way, through affection, love and willing someone to be the best version of themselves, not a anger oriented way.

Sorry for the long response, but I just appreciate it so much and it has given me a lot to think about as an individual so I definitely am thankful.

God Bless!