Everyone hates me... and Im not being emo

[Jetiku]

Ok a foreword.... I dont care how others feel about me really but theres a trend in my relationships both romantic and platonic that Ive noticed......

Every one ******* hates me. I started noticing it when I joined some forums. People would respond to my posts with contempt and anger. It didnt really bug me too much but I thought it was strange that so many people independently grew to dislike me in so many locations. I joined a few forums in a weeks time and couple more over the course of a few months and in every single forum I became an antagonist. People just tended to dislike me. Then it got me to thinking of my ex girlfriends. In the last few years 3 out of 4 girlfriends Ive had wont even talk to me because of their extreme hatred for me (pretty much in their own words)

Today my grandma (who raised me so is basically my mom) got in a heated discussion with me in which she said she didnt like me and never has (she even said she hated me), that the rest of the family (her kids not my fathers side) didnt like me etc etc. Normally that alone wouldnt have bothered me but because I was already thinking about how hated I am it kinda made me stop to wonder.

In my life I have acquaintances and a few friends (I dont really hang out too much and its kinda on a surface level) who like me (atleast I think they do.....). Then I have an overwhelming amount of people who just plain out hate me. Finding fights to start has never really been my thing but arguments just seem to follow me. Being rational I can rule out that everyone else is just a dick. So now Im left with the problem being me and for the life of it I cant figure out why Im so notorious.

You know sometimes I wonder if this I dont care ego is simply my way of covering up an emptiness. Cognitive dissonance coming into play to tell me hey its ok that youre alone and hated, you dont care anyways. Then sometimes I wonder if Im missing something. Maybe theres a part of me I lost somewhere along the way. I just dont know how I feel. Ive read enough about psychology starting as a kid to adequately mess up my ability to diagnose myself. Unfortunately it makes it hard for others to help as well.

 

[Eric]

I read what you had to say in your other thread. I know where you are coming from believe me. We live in a world where many are starving while other's have too much. And I'm not talking about food or cars. Loneliness is a "commodity" that can be cashed in on. Look at all the matchmaking sites out there. I was meeting women that way before the internet evolved out of the 2400 baud modems we used back in the day to log onto "bulletin boards". It was a lot easier then, less paranoia. Now, I find them to be a waste of time. I like this site better, real friends are more important. Sometimes it's best to put away dating/marriages and look at the bigger picture: survival.
I saw the word anxiety several times in that thread. People on their own are very prone to anxiety attacks. You think to yourself, "Who can I call if I feel one coming on?" Then, realizing there's no one to call, or to come visit, it's likely to happen. I can tell you that you have the advantage of being young. Good luck and keep posting on new developments.
Eric

 

[Lonesome Crow]

lol...I don't know you..but just by reading your post, there's clues.
Not trying to judge you...
Honest writting is good. Maybe if you write more the answers will
be clearer to you. You're at a good stage actaully. Some poeple
don't take time to ask themselves or take an honest evaluation
of themselves. With a postive attitude, perhapse you can open
up the can of worms and look at your demons and identify them.
Perhapses work on them..or let go of them.

Maybe..there's still emotional baggages that you're still holding on to.
I know had it with my ex...and sometimes the anger I had for her will manifest itself when i deal with other people.
I really, really needed to work on that. Writting about it helps.
I needed to let go or release that anger so I don't take it out on others.
If i sholve my anger...I'll get depress and have anxeity attacks.

There's healhty outlets or non dystructive ways to relase my anger..
Forgiveness...is one of them.
Errr....that's like pulling teeth to me, so i have to chop down trees or whatever..lol

I forgive others..not so much that I have high morals or I'm a fucken saint.
I forgive people..so that i don't have to carry that hate and pain inside of me anymore.
Ulitmately...it'll get me to the piont of letting go of my pains.

Yeah...pertty much EGO will do that...It gets a little confusing.
I used to say I didn't care about alot of things...but honestly
I was scare , hurted and frighten inside. The turth was...I did care.
Yeap...I put on an act or get messed up out of my fucken mind to cover up my pains...
Yeah i was missing something inside...
LOVE inside of me . You're a walking donut too...eh ?
You tried the fill the emptimess with people , place and things too eh ?
Everything I tried to sholve into that fucken emptiness wasn't forever lasting.
The fucken hole i had was so god **** big.
If i put poeple in there...watch the fresia out. I'll become too
god **** demanding of them after a while...then If can't get
my way...It depends if its a fucken tuseday...lol
I'll either throw my fucken tantrum like a little spoil child...
or play de man...My way or the fucken highway...bs.
or...watch this *****, I'll show you...3 is better than 1 on 1.

I can be rational..but i still react to my god **** emotions or impulse.
My decisions and reactions are base off of my emotions..wheather i was awear
of it or not. My EGO would keep me in denial of that.lol
I lacked self discipline...
Self discipline,... is to make a good decision and not react to my emotions.
Inspite of my emotions...I'll will take positive actions that might have a positive outcome.

Ego or instant gradifications...that's just me reacting on selfwill run riot or reacting to my impulse.
This will get me what i want(which is never enough) with no consideration of others or the consequences of my actions.
And fresia the consequences...(I don't give a fresia or care)..Everyone around me can clean up my fucken mess...lmao
In other word...i want what i want and fresia everyone else.
Or....I'm always fucken right and everybody have their head up thier ass.
Or...didn't these **** people know...the fucken world evolves around me...lmao
Or...it's all about ME...ME...ME..
Then i wonder the fresia why people dislike me ?....duh

Yeap...I lost a part of me along the line somewhere...
I had to fine me again. mmmm...i had to smash the fresia out of my EGO...thou

mmm...the fucken hole wasn't not ment to be a fucken vacumme..lol
It's where the love shine through. I had to do a 180...lol
Loving myself...fresia, that takes work...
I can only give you what i have...if I have hate and anger inside of me....that's what will come out.
If i have love inside of me...that too will be reflected on the outside.
Happiness is an inside job.

I know..it can be a little bit confusing at first....to distinguish the difference between
(selfcenter, self-fish, self absorbing) and (selfcaring & self loving.)
Just like pride (honor) and ego (selfish-pride)

 

[Jetiku]

Eric - Thank you for your reply and Ill keep you up to date with what happens. The anxiety aspect of it all is definitely growing. Even just reading these posts I feel it somewhat. I guess because its my true feelings and thoughts without censor (atleast not too much anyways)

Lonesome - Some of what you said really hit home. Especially the way you treated your exes. Its not that I didnt care about mine. They were very important to me. But then I broke up with each one over stupid reasons and treated them like they werent important to me while I was with them. I reflect sometimes I why Ill let myself treat those I care about so rudely. In the moments its happening though I dont think or feel that way at all. Its an overwhelming emotion. Atleast thats how it used to be. My last girlfriend I didnt really care period. I didnt treat her bad and was very loving but emotionally I wasnt attached. The positive is I never got upset with her. The negative is I didnt ever feel in love.

 

[EveWasFramed]

*shrugs* Well honestly, I don't know you in real life, but I haven't seen anything in any of your posts that offended me, pissed me off, or would make me hate you. You seem to be straight up. I would say that it's odd, that either people like you, or they hate you - no middle ground, but it's the same for me. Either people REALLY, REALLY like me, or they hate me. I have no idea why. Chin up, dear and try to focus on the ones that like you and see if you can figure out WHY they like you. I'm not suggesting that you need to change who you are, but EVERYONE has some room for improvement, when it comes to some of their behaviors. I wish you luck.

 

[Unacceptance]

Hate back.