Fears about my relationship

[JustJones]

You may have heard my story on this forum and possibly seen my progress in getting myself a girlfriend.
I longed for a relationship for as long as I can remember and now in the 25th year of my life, I've finally achieved my dream, but now I can feel my old demons coming back to haunt me.

I made the very stupid mistake of looking through my girlfriends notes on facebook and, although I already knew she had been through a spree of one night stands and short relationships, I've come to realise the extent of which it reached. She talks of loving going with whoever she pleases and not knowing where she'll wake up the next day. The thing is, she told me that she misses the "hunt", of crossing eyes with a stranger across a club or bar and the chase which follows.
Now, I've always despised that sort of lifestyle, never having experienced it myself, and the very thought that she has a lust for such things makes me sick to my stomach and its a very dark side of her that I would never have guessed existed as she's such a sweet girl and I hate to think of how many terrible men have abused her, and indeed the people she has abused, herself.

I'm now bubbling with paranoia and fear that she wants to break away from me or possibly even dabble in the lifestyle behind my back and its tearing me apart.. I don't know what to do.

I know in my heart that she wouldn't cheat on me but I am bruised inside and I cant help but fear the worst.

Should I ignore her past and pretend it doesn't exist? or am I doomed to end my happiness with her due to this terrible torture I'm putting myself through?

 

[Nyktimos]

I've been through the same torture. I have no solution, except to say when I found someone I trusted I didn't really love her, I only convinced myself I did because I needed to break away from the girl I didn't trust but did love. The only thing I can say is, if you talk to her about her past, try not to emotionally blackmail her into only telling you what you can cope with. There is probably nothing she can tell you that would rid your thoughts of the paranoia.

My deepest regret in life is that I loved someone I wasn't able to trust, and was constantly asking her questions to try to get an answer that meant I could trust her (even though there was nothing she could tell me that would convince me), but was unconsciously making it obvious to her I could only cope with certain answers. I must have been putting her through hell. Since seeing pictures of her on an amateur porn site, it's really torn me apart and put me in a downward spiral, though that's all I've seen of her in eight years (the emptiness never left me). Whether it's because it's the woman I still love, or because it implies that I will never love the type of woman who I can trust and so am destined never to find that happiness, I don't know.

In my case, I should have accepted she was the person she was and either walked away and stayed away, or stopped worrying about what she might be up to and concentrated on getting to know the real her instead of what I wanted her to be, but love does strange things to your mind. My distrust of people in relationships has ruined my life. I hate the fact I can't just accept that I may be cheated on by someone I love, and that it doesn't have to be the end of the world. In today's society, it cuts your options down a lot.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but if I had answers to this particular problem, I'd probably have a life.

 

[Papabear]

the "real" think about relationships is that we all have a past and most of the time the other person doesn't really want to know what's in that past.

Trust is something that develops in a lot of different ways but I will tell you that until you either trust your S.O. enough OR stop caring that you may or may not be able to trust... you won't be happy in the relationship.

I have to say that relationships, unlike anything else, seem to be those things where it's better to let things ride and not try to force a hand, if they work they work... if not... then you move on.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm not sure how long you have know this person.


A realtionship depends on your self love more than most people realize.


You can always look on the bright side...
If you get laid off from work. You can always pimp her out and she wouldn't mind.. J/K

 

[JustJones]

thanks guys. That really helps and I'm feeling a bit better about it now.

I think my main problem is that I have absolutely no past experience with women so everything is new to me whereas she can compare me to the wealth of people she's already been with. Also, she's only been in the country 1 year and shes already had so many one night stands and stuff. To me, its very excessive and worse than probably ANY of the British girls I know.
It just really bothers me that she actually told me that she misses being "out on the pull" as we call it in England. It makes me think that maybe theres something she desires that I cant give her. I'm so happy to be with her and I can safely say that I DO NOT miss the single life in any way.
Am I right to feel a bit upset about it? To me, its almost like shes saying "I like being with you, but I also want to keep my options open" in a subtle way without even realising it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

How long have you known this person?

Okay...I married a very beautiful woman She could of had any guys she wanted.
Guys hit up on her all the time.
However...she came home every night and made love to me passionately.
She asked me out.

My job was to be with her and not fresia it up.
mmm..that jealousy fresia it all up for me...

She married me...somewhere alone the line I had to get it though my thick skull that she loves me..but I didn't.

It's okay to feel what you feel...however what she dose is her bussiness. You don't own her.
She's going to do whatever it is she's going to do.
Please try to accept her as she is for the moment.
If you put her on a leash and try to control her...She'll run faster than you can blink.

Love can not be a prison.....

yes...bounce this stuff off of other people at the moment and don't confront her for the moment.

She not doing anything wrong or immoral.
She can be dating 20 guys at the moment right now and it wouldn't be wrong...(not wrong for her).
Well...I don't see anything wrong with it becuase I've dated many women at the same time.

I don't do that double standards...Guys are studs, Women are sluts.

Oh..btw...As beautiful as my ex-wf was...when her jealousy kicked in and when she
started miss trusting me just becuase she was tripping out....It pushed me further and further from her.
Our relationship became a fucken living hell. It felt like I was walking on eggshells.

 

[JustJones]

Weve been going out only a couple of months so far but we've very quickly grown quite close. I dont want to call it love but I'm tempted to and I know she feels the same way. I also know that she has self confidence issues and she finds male attention very comforting but she wouldn't go out with anyone else while she's with me. Its not her fault and I think part of her regrets the promiscuous lifestyle she's been living, thats why she's settled on a nice guy like me! I just can't help but fear that her self control might break and she could hurt us both.

Thanks for the advice but I definitely would never try to restrain her from what she wants to do. I just hope that if anything happens, she'll tell me right away instead of dragging me along like a dead dog that she doesn't know what to do with.

I'm painting a really horrible picture of her here, I know, and I feel really bad about it. Its just that she's so adorable and a sweet wonderful person, that its hard to believe she has that side to her and it scares me a bit.

"Well...I don't see anything wrong with it becuase I've dated many women at the same time."

I can safely say that I could never do that but shes told me that shes dated multiple people before but not anyone she cared about.
I just need to relax and trust her and stop thinking about the seedy things that she was doing only a few months ago...

 

[JustJones]

ok, I've been thinking hard about this all day now and I've come to realise that what I'm doing is being jealous and judgmental and frankly, I'm pissed off with myself! I can sit here and let all these destructive emotions bubble over or I can stop being a **** idiot and accept that we have different histories. She could judge me for experimenting with drugs and getting tattoos I now regret when I was a bit younger but she doesn't.

I've said multiple times already that I can trust her, so why am I doubting her. I feel like a complete prick. I'm using her recent past as a scapegoat to avoid my own self doubt and the thoughts that I'm not good enough for her.

I've waited all my life to meet someone like her and I'm not spending another minute ruining my happiness by letting my old demons wreck everything!

There.........I feel better now lol

 

[samba101]

I remember when I was with my ex when we first started dating, jealousy did come up. To be honest it's just insecurity, I know she's had a lot of partners but it's totally normal to feel this way. Papabear is right it's just a trust issue and once you've been in your relationship a while things will start to settle down.

I was at a party when I was told that the woman sitting across from me had slept with my ex, gee I felt really bad as I was comparing myself to her, but as the months passed I totally forgot about this, I only remembered now because of your thread.

Most people snoop but unfortuantely for some you find out things you didn't want to know in the first place, I snoop, I would from time to time go through my ex's credit card statements and cellphone no, not to a great degree about twice a year.

But I do no the fear of thinking that you might not be the only one she wants to be with, sometimes it just eats at you. No point of thinking what if, just enjoy the moment.