UnweavingThoughts
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- Nov 15, 2017
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(Sorry if this all comes out as random ramblings, but my mind seems like a twister of chaotic thoughts)
Since the disappearance of my girlfriend a few years ago, I've been on a complete downward spiral. My position was pretty pathetic before hand, but atleast I saw some tiny light of hope because of my girlfriend at the time. Now though, I've been alone for the past few years and just don't know what to even do with myself at all. I feel hopeless, futureless and lost. I haven't felt this bad, since I was a small child and like then I just can't truly see myself having a future at all. It seems like a perpetual cycle since I was little with my constantly trying to find I'm good at that makes me worthwhile, mainly to others. I realized this is something I've been doing this, since I was 4 and I'm now a 26 year old woman. But it seems like every attempt either ends before it even begins, I try my hardest only for my efforts to be ignored then walled off and told I'm just like those who don't care to try and therefore will never get any better, I succeed to an extent only to be walled off once again from the goal point and told I'll never amount to anything, etc. Even the few times I have succeeded those victories just went ignored and treated like they meant nothing. This just keeps happening over and over again. It disturbs me that my desperation for approval, validation, appreciation, love and respect all started out at such a young age and has continued on. I even realized recently an unfortunate incident I let happen to myself when I was very young was a part of that too. (And it made me sick when I realized why I let it happen.) The thing is though that I don't know how to stop it.
I won't lie. There are things I want. Like to end up in another long-term relationship. Hopefully a family one day, since I feel like I've never really had one before. I am still want to improve my looks and health, and somehow find a way around my social anxiety (it's debilitating sometimes). But I still can't seem to bring myself to want a career, even if it's necessary to make it through life. Besides I always felt like the best place for me was keeping the home and family going.
In my current situation, I'm at risk of ending up on the streets in a couple of weeks. You'd figure this would be a huge motivator and something to help kick things in gear, but instead it still isn't. The things I want should be big motivator too, but they still don't jump start anything no matter how much I want those things. I'm so tired of my pathetic and worthless existence, but I've never been able to bring myself to commit suicide no matter how many times I've contemplated it. I just feel extremely burnt out and I did way before now too, it's only just gotten worse.
I've dealt with multiple failed relationships before my previous one and usually I recovered soon, but after the last one it made it that much harder to move on since she meant so much to my life. Like said before she was the tiny light in my life then that gave me some sort of hope for a future. The extent of that was to the point where I was hoping to marry her one day, but because of pathetic position I always felt like I was never good enough and like I learned from numerous relationship of various types (family, friends, lovers) that no matter how genuine my feelings are and no matter how much I truly love someone unconditionally none of it matters in the end when reality strikes. It doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't make me less of a burden, it doesn't make me worth sticking around for and it doesn't make me worth living for either. It doesn't matter how much I'm willing to sacrifice for a chance at happiness, it doesn't matter if I'm willing to do almost anything to make the one I love happy; if it's not something practical that keeps things going it's not worthwhile. Unfortunately, the childish and idealistic part of me that keeps wanting to believe that two people truly in love can still overcome hardships together, still keeps winning out despite my poor position. I think that happens because it feels like true unconditional love is just so rare. But can I truly call mine unconditional when I expect so much back? (like to be loved, to be desired, to be needed, to be wanted, to be appreciated and respected)
(That was just a bit that's in my head, but I just wanted to say it out somewhere and it feels like these feelings increase ten fold every year around the holidays.)
Since the disappearance of my girlfriend a few years ago, I've been on a complete downward spiral. My position was pretty pathetic before hand, but atleast I saw some tiny light of hope because of my girlfriend at the time. Now though, I've been alone for the past few years and just don't know what to even do with myself at all. I feel hopeless, futureless and lost. I haven't felt this bad, since I was a small child and like then I just can't truly see myself having a future at all. It seems like a perpetual cycle since I was little with my constantly trying to find I'm good at that makes me worthwhile, mainly to others. I realized this is something I've been doing this, since I was 4 and I'm now a 26 year old woman. But it seems like every attempt either ends before it even begins, I try my hardest only for my efforts to be ignored then walled off and told I'm just like those who don't care to try and therefore will never get any better, I succeed to an extent only to be walled off once again from the goal point and told I'll never amount to anything, etc. Even the few times I have succeeded those victories just went ignored and treated like they meant nothing. This just keeps happening over and over again. It disturbs me that my desperation for approval, validation, appreciation, love and respect all started out at such a young age and has continued on. I even realized recently an unfortunate incident I let happen to myself when I was very young was a part of that too. (And it made me sick when I realized why I let it happen.) The thing is though that I don't know how to stop it.
I won't lie. There are things I want. Like to end up in another long-term relationship. Hopefully a family one day, since I feel like I've never really had one before. I am still want to improve my looks and health, and somehow find a way around my social anxiety (it's debilitating sometimes). But I still can't seem to bring myself to want a career, even if it's necessary to make it through life. Besides I always felt like the best place for me was keeping the home and family going.
In my current situation, I'm at risk of ending up on the streets in a couple of weeks. You'd figure this would be a huge motivator and something to help kick things in gear, but instead it still isn't. The things I want should be big motivator too, but they still don't jump start anything no matter how much I want those things. I'm so tired of my pathetic and worthless existence, but I've never been able to bring myself to commit suicide no matter how many times I've contemplated it. I just feel extremely burnt out and I did way before now too, it's only just gotten worse.
I've dealt with multiple failed relationships before my previous one and usually I recovered soon, but after the last one it made it that much harder to move on since she meant so much to my life. Like said before she was the tiny light in my life then that gave me some sort of hope for a future. The extent of that was to the point where I was hoping to marry her one day, but because of pathetic position I always felt like I was never good enough and like I learned from numerous relationship of various types (family, friends, lovers) that no matter how genuine my feelings are and no matter how much I truly love someone unconditionally none of it matters in the end when reality strikes. It doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't make me less of a burden, it doesn't make me worth sticking around for and it doesn't make me worth living for either. It doesn't matter how much I'm willing to sacrifice for a chance at happiness, it doesn't matter if I'm willing to do almost anything to make the one I love happy; if it's not something practical that keeps things going it's not worthwhile. Unfortunately, the childish and idealistic part of me that keeps wanting to believe that two people truly in love can still overcome hardships together, still keeps winning out despite my poor position. I think that happens because it feels like true unconditional love is just so rare. But can I truly call mine unconditional when I expect so much back? (like to be loved, to be desired, to be needed, to be wanted, to be appreciated and respected)
(That was just a bit that's in my head, but I just wanted to say it out somewhere and it feels like these feelings increase ten fold every year around the holidays.)