Forest Gump

[skwillrd]

I am ashamed of myself and what I've become. I no longer enjoy anything, going anywhere or meeting new people. I am in my mid 30's and have no friends. Each day, I find a new gray hair and I'm reminded how old I'm getting. I lost a good woman because of my insecure ways and there's NO getting her back. I've been depressed for well over a year and I can only blame myself. I hate being so f@cking shy and insecure all the **** time that I just don't know what to do. I hate life and that’s me trying to sugar coat it. I started seeking professional help because I just can’t take it anymore but due to the costs I will be limited in sessions. I’m literally typing these words with tears in my eyes. I’ve made so many mistakes in life, missed so many opportunities and lost so many good people. When someone special comes into my life, I’m so bitter I chase them away. I’m tall, skinny and ugly. I have no kids and have never married. My ex was pregnant with my child and I pushed for an abortion. I live in a world of silence and feel like it’s my punishment. It takes a lot of work just for me to get up out of bed and go to work. I blame no one but myself for my poor decisions. My ex now has a bf and seems happier than ever in pics I’ve seen online. I seen them in pics doing the things that I was too afraid to do. Meanwhile, I sit here, mope and rehash all the dumb insecurities I displayed in our relationship. I’ve been like this for three months now since my ex and I broke up. To make matters worse, every time I see new/old pic of my ex with her bf online it makes me slide deeper into a depression. I’m just now discovering the extent of my ex’s relationship with her bf and realizing that it has existed for a lot longer than I originally thought. SO basically, I’ve been madly in love with someone else’s gf and didn’t even know it. It explains why she would come back two to three weeks at a time, until we argued and then she would disappear for another month or so. She only came back to me because I had become her safety net. Then once her and this guy patched things up, she bounced me like a bad check. I really feel like blowing my brains out.

 

[IambicBlonde]

Dude, I'm 35, never been in a relationship, never had sex and have zero friends. It could be worse. That said, I'm relatively okay. I'm not happy, but I'm not suicidal either. I have things that I do where I can get my frustrations out - maybe that's what you need. I play guitar, write, make candles, play with my dog (that's not a euphemism!), etc... it helps. I think you need to find something so you don't take it out on other people by being bitter, depressed and turning off others. No offense, but I don't blame your girlfriend based on the things you said you did to her. You have to try being a better person, that's the only way to attract other people. And the only way to be a better person is by examining yourself. Find other ways to get your anger out.

 

[Tiina63]

Like you, I have made many bad decisions in my life and have let good opportunties slip through my fingers. But-all we have is the present. We can't, unfortunately, go back and undo what we have done or haven't done and make it turn out differently. Sometimes I go over things in my mind as if, by thinking about them hard enough, I could go back and change things. But all we can do is to learn from our mistakes and negative choices and try to do thimgs differently in future.
You mentioned seeing photos of your ex online. Could you avoid the sites where you are likely to come across these? It is reopening the wound every time you look at them.

 

[Sci-Fi]

First things first, stop looking at the pictures of your ex, she's your past and it's done and over with. No need to pine over something that is lost. You're torturing yourself doing that.

You realize your mistakes, you accept your responsibility for them, and hopefully you've also learned from them. You're already ahead of the game here, it takes a big person to admit to that, some people would rather sit there and blame everyone else but themselves. Good for you. That's a bigger step than you think. Now it's time to move on from them.

I'm 36, no relationship, no kids, never been married. Been a long time since I've been in a relationship, I tend to think it will never happen again. I'm okay with that, what I really wish I had were kids, I love kids. There's always adoption though. So that's not out of the question yet. Like Iambicblonde I have hobbies to keep myself busy which really help. All of my friends are or have been married and have kids, so I have no one my age to hang out with. Just message them on Facebook once in awhile to catch up.

Maybe find something to occupy your time with, join a club or group or something. Anything that helps take your mind off your past mistakes. 30 is far from your life being over. You still have a lot ahead of you, even when it seems like there isn't.

 

[Ak5]

Hard to believe: But moving forward and still working hard is the best way to solve you problems.

 

[HC22]

Sounds like you 've been through a lot of stuff.
I'm sorry to hear your feeling so down
The positive thing is that you regret making mistakes, please ask for forgiveness and start again wil the will of doing better .
Ask God to forgive you, ask Him in the name of Jesus

Jesus taught us to pray to the Heavenly Father, In His Name.

John 14:13-14 13 "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Your past is the past, you cannot change it. The future & life hold an opportunity that death doesn't, that things can get better. In death, nothing gets better because its the end.

Try getting a grad student to do counseling with you. Their rates are cheaper.