Former fat guy having dating problems

[shynessky]

I am having some self-esteem issues that I can't seem to get over and I was wondering if there was anyone out there who has gone through the same thing. From the ages of 18-21 I was a healthy attractive guy with no self-image problems, a girlfriend of 4 years, and a good job. Then my girlfriend left, I lost my job, and I fell into a serious depression. From 23-28 I was an unhealthy 400 lb man who spent most of his time in-doors working at home on his computer. Now at 29 all of that work paid off and I managed to sell my business and then get myself to a healthy 180 pounds through lots of exercise and healthy eating. I was able to start taking college classes for fun and travel to technology events I found interesting (conferences, meetups, etc). I have made many new friends but here is my problem. My body is scarred and not normal but to everyone else I look like an attractive, wealthy, and physically fit man. There have been 4 occasions the past 3 months where women have surprised me by expressing their desire for intimacy, something I wouldn't have minded when my body was normal. Now it just makes me sad because I feel like they wouldn't accept me and I really have no idea what to do. I feel horrible because 2 out of the 4 looked very hurt when I turned them down and they didn't seem to believe me when I told them that it had nothing to do with them.

It's very hard for me because one memory always sticks in my head. When I first lost the weight I went to the doctors for a thorough checkup. I signed the sheet and waited in the sitting area. I could see the nurses behind the counter looking at me and giggling together. I had no idea what was going on with them. Then they called my name. A male nurse was waiting for me to follow him but as we walked down a hallway a super-gorgeous female nurse around my age grabbed my chart told him an extremely lame reason why she would help me instead. It was clear to me at that point that she liked me or something along those lines. My anxiety spiked. We get into the room and she flirts non-stop while I just sort of sit there with dread. Then the final request to take off my shirt. I did it. Her reaction cut me to the core, she literally gave a gasp. At that point she overcame her surprise and tried to act normal while placing the heart monitors on my chest. I couldn't even look at her, it was all I could do to keep from tearing up. I could tell that she connected the dots really quick and felt horrible about what she inadvertently did to me. It wasn't her fault at all, she seemed like a really sweet person, but this didn't change the feeling I had when witnessing the most beautiful woman I have ever seen go from crush to disgust in 5 seconds due to my body. Every time I get close to a woman I can't help but think of that reaction

Anyone out there have weight issues or former weight issues? How did you handle it with your significant other? Any advice on how to handle situations like mine? I know there are people out there dealing with much much worse but I am having such a hard time with it right now.

 

[Jesse]

I can tell you man that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to how we see ourselves. Most people don't judge us nearly as harshly as we do and those that do judge us because of looks aren't worth your time. Congrats on getting in shape! You can't let things that you can't change hold you back from living. There is a perfect lady out there for you who will love you for you.

Welcome to the forum! There are lots of really awesome people here who will help you and talk to you about anything that might be bothering you. You can overcome any obstacle.

 

[Brian]

Are you talking stretch marks, extra skin, or...?

A tummy tuck can solve extra flab left over...stretch marks are trickier. Coconut oil applied topically over a series of months has helped several people I've talked to, though. But you have to keep with it regularly.

 

[shynessky]

Are you talking stretch marks, extra skin, or...?

A tummy tuck can solve extra flab left over...stretch marks are trickier. Coconut oil applied topically over a series of months has helped several people I've talked to, though. But you have to keep with it regularly.

Severe stretch marks, the kind that wont be fixed with any solution. Because of the speed in which I gained weight I got stretch marks immediately and they spanned from my pecks to my belly button in number. They have turned white due to time but they are not something that goes unnoticed. I also have them under my arms so much that I only wear sleeves that go to my elbow down. Luckily I don't have a serious loose skin issue but the stretch marks are pretty bad. It's something that I am ok with personally but I have a hard time trying to figure out if other people can handle it.

 

[CrazieCute]

Really, stretch marks are no big deal, and if you are with a girl who thinks they are then she obviously isn't the one for you. But don't say no to intimacy because of how you think a girl might react. Some girls might overreact, but all it means is they showed their true colors and it's time to move on to the next girl. and fyi, my guy has stretch marks and loose skin and I think he's hot.

 

[tehdreamer]

Stretch marks are the bane of my existence. There's no real cure for them, only ways to lighten them a little. I used to feel really bad and hide under long sleeves all the time, but now I just don't care. There's no use in hiding and pretending they don't exist. I just know there are people out there who things like stretch marks won't matter to them.

You should wear short sleeves, allow some marks to show, and if a women still comes on to you, it probably doesn't matter to her.

 

[BlueBird0247]

I am having some self-esteem issues that I can't seem to get over and I was wondering if there was anyone out there who has gone through the same thing. From the ages of 18-21 I was a healthy attractive guy with no self-image problems, a girlfriend of 4 years, and a good job. Then my girlfriend left, I lost my job, and I fell into a serious depression. From 23-28 I was an unhealthy 400 lb man who spent most of his time in-doors working at home on his computer. Now at 29 all of that work paid off and I managed to sell my business and then get myself to a healthy 180 pounds through lots of exercise and healthy eating. I was able to start taking college classes for fun and travel to technology events I found interesting (conferences, meetups, etc). I have made many new friends but here is my problem. My body is scarred and not normal but to everyone else I look like an attractive, wealthy, and physically fit man. There have been 4 occasions the past 3 months where women have surprised me by expressing their desire for intimacy, something I wouldn't have minded when my body was normal. Now it just makes me sad because I feel like they wouldn't accept me and I really have no idea what to do. I feel horrible because 2 out of the 4 looked very hurt when I turned them down and they didn't seem to believe me when I told them that it had nothing to do with them.

It's very hard for me because one memory always sticks in my head. When I first lost the weight I went to the doctors for a thorough checkup. I signed the sheet and waited in the sitting area. I could see the nurses behind the counter looking at me and giggling together. I had no idea what was going on with them. Then they called my name. A male nurse was waiting for me to follow him but as we walked down a hallway a super-gorgeous female nurse around my age grabbed my chart told him an extremely lame reason why she would help me instead. It was clear to me at that point that she liked me or something along those lines. My anxiety spiked. We get into the room and she flirts non-stop while I just sort of sit there with dread. Then the final request to take off my shirt. I did it. Her reaction cut me to the core, she literally gave a gasp. At that point she overcame her surprise and tried to act normal while placing the heart monitors on my chest. I couldn't even look at her, it was all I could do to keep from tearing up. I could tell that she connected the dots really quick and felt horrible about what she inadvertently did to me. It wasn't her fault at all, she seemed like a really sweet person, but this didn't change the feeling I had when witnessing the most beautiful woman I have ever seen go from crush to disgust in 5 seconds due to my body. Every time I get close to a woman I can't help but think of that reaction

Anyone out there have weight issues or former weight issues? How did you handle it with your significant other? Any advice on how to handle situations like mine? I know there are people out there dealing with much much worse but I am having such a hard time with it right now.

Hi, I know exactly what you are going through. I think the fist step is being here and finding people that can relate to us. Being female, I actually always wanted a man with a weight issue himself as strange as that sounds so we can have something in common that we can work through together. Good luck in getting through this. I'll chat with you any time.

 

[Veruca]

First of all, congratulations on turning your life around. That is amazing!

I think to many women, including myself, stretch marks have no effect on the attractiveness of a man. Even if they are very severe.

Unfortunately there will always be superficial people and I dont think you want to be with someone who judges you based on your appearance.

As for the nurse, perhaps she was surprised more than disgusted but didnt know how to express herself properly?

Someone out there will accept you as you are and you have to let her in when the time comes.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

First of all, congratulations for losing the weight. That's a great accomplishment.

Second of all, that nurse was completely in the wrong. Like Veruca said, there will always be superficial people in this world, but someone who genuinely likes you for you will not care. I will underline it....They will not care.

Please don't let this get you down. There are many good people in this world, don't let a few rotten apples get you down!

 

[nerdygirl]

Not just necro-posting, but on a thread created by somebody who only stuck around long enough to create three posts?