Friend to Non-friend in a day

[iWish]

Something major just changed in my life, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I don't really know how to start, because it's a long story.

I was best friends with a girl named Emily from 8th grade all the way up until our senior year in high school; that's 5 years. (I'm now a freshman in college.) I thought we were still friends until I was told otherwise today.

Emily's not the type of person that talks freely about her feelings. So I always understood when I found out things about her through other people; I thought she just didn't like talking about her life. What I found out is that it was just me she didn't like talking to. At the beginning of 10th grade, she stopped talking to me as much as she used to. I thought it was just because she had a new best friend, but she was using her new relationship as an excuse not to talk to me anymore. Anyway, this went on until the middle of our junior year, 1.5 years. Keep in mind, when we did spend time together she acted normal and like she cared about me, but apparently she was faking. Finally, she decided that her new best friend was no longer important to her, and at this point in time she realized she liked spending time with me again (for the first time in 1.5 years). Then, at the beginning of our senior year, she told a mutual "friend" (let's call her Margie) that she didn't like Margie, me, or our other friend Brenda at all. She didn't even like spending time with us. The only reason she tolerated it is out of necessity (she didn't have many other "friends"). However, she didn't want me to know any of this.

Anyway, all this time that Emily hated me, I thought everything was hunky-dory and I told her all my secrets and talked to her almost every day. I still can't fathom why she wouldn't just tell me how she felt if she truly didn't like spending time with me. But now I guess I understand why I haven't talked to her since I left for college.

I found all this out today from someone she confided this information to. A mutual friend, if you will (not Margie). But I really don't know how to react. I don't want to call her up and tell her I never want to speak to her again, because I feel like that's redundant. Brenda suggested I text and call her incessantly to get back at her, but I don't know if that's the best option. Not only do I not know how to deal with her, but I don't know how to sort these feelings out within myself. Since we haven't spoken in 4 months, I kind of already knew something was up, so I wasn't surprised to hear she, for whatever reason, dislikes me now. But I was shocked to hear that she basically only liked me for 6 months in the last 3 years of our friendship. That hurts the most, since she was the only person besides Brenda who I told everything to. My self-confidence has taken a huge blow, as I have less faith in my ability to judge the character of others, especially those people that are my friends.

Also, I have reminders of her all around me (pictures of the two of us, things she has given me, etc). It hurts to look at them right now, and I'm wondering if I should just throw them out.

I guess I'm just looking for a little advice, or maybe some reassurance. I don't really know. Anything you can muster will be helpful.

-D

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs Iwish*

I feel so sorry for you becuase i can relate so well,

being a back up friend for someone totally sucks

I doubt Maggy was lying to you, but just in case it might be good to go to the source words can get twisted

a mutual friend once completely lied to my best friend, and said i had called our mutal friend on aim,

1 I had never daid that and 2 i never even talked to her on aim

and it may have very helped ruined everything about my highschool social life


and well some people are just jerks too

I got rid of everything she ever gave to me, which wasn't too much

i had to get her to give me my FFVII back but she still owes me $40 for the copy of kh2 that she busted

but she's gone now across the country

some day I may never think of her again

life moves on, a childhood wastes regardless



I'd just hack her facebook account and change her status to is a whore

very satisfying

otherwise whine mourn

find distractions

time will pass you'll meet new people

best of luck my friend

*hugs*

 

[*Sigh*]

It could be just a rumor you know. But you won't ever know until you talk to her about it.

 

[Badjedidude]

Nawww, don't waste your time getting revenge. No offense, but that's just stupid and not constructive at all. Just forget about 'getting back' at her.

It sounds sort of like she was a bit confused in high school...maybe trying to figure out who she was and where she was going in life. It's only natural that as she explored herself, her interests and views would change, including those about friendship. I don't know the entire situation, but somehow I doubt that she really "hates" you. It's probably more likely that she simply doesn't want you as a friend and so used "hate" as an excuse...after all, for some strange reason it's easier to admit to hating someone than to admit to just not finding them interesting anymore.

With that said, I don't think you need to worry about yourself or have self-confidence issues. It's not really ABOUT what was wrong with you...it's just that everyone finds different things interesting and her interests changed.

Either way, I think she's made it clear that she doesn't want to hear from you. It's up to you to decide what to do with the pictures & things that remind you of her...but I don't think that you should try to contact her. It's probably best to make a clean cut and move on.

After all...you can make plenty of good friends here!

----Steve

 

[iWish]

Thank you guys for all your responses. And evanescencefan91, I'm sorry you had to experience a similar situation. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I appreciate the advice, but Steve said something that seems like a good option; making a clean cut. At this point, my anger and sadness are too raw to talk to her, and a part of me doesn't really care what she has to say. I don't really want anything to do with her if she doesn't want anything to do with me, for my own sanity's sake. And Steve is right, I can make friends elsewhere, especially here!

By the way, as for the possibility that it's a rumor... I am pretty sure it's not. This friend is very honest. But in the fashion of a true scientist, I must admit nothing is absolute, so I'm going to say the rumor theory has a 0.01% chance of being true.

Thanks for the help.

~D

 

[iWish]

Thought I'd update this story a little.
I know I haven't been on here in a while, but bear with me...
So I made a clean cut, as Steve suggested and as I said I would. Worked out pretty well; I forgot about her a lot faster than I thought I would.
Little did I know that she would make contact again in March, during spring break. We got our nails done together at her suggestion, and for a while I couldn't even remember why I was mad at her.
Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, she's a colossal ***** that never really liked spending time with me" (exaggeration, I know, but that's pretty much what I thought, word for word). Of course, I acted like nothing was wrong the whole time, and she did as well. I don't know if she was faking it, or she really didn't understand that it was important to acknowledge that the last time I saw her before that day in march was all the way back in August! She suggested the outing, and she pretended as if no time had passed! This was the most puzzling to me.
Anyway, I haven't spoken to her since and I have no intention of making any further contact. I just wanted to get perspective on why this might have happened, as I'm a little foggy on her reasoning for wanting to see me in the first place.
Cheers,
Danielle

 

[Badjedidude]

It sounds like she wanted to see you again to gauge your reaction at being away from her. Some people are like that. It's in their personality to treat others as sort of a "science project".....they do things that don't make sense, they piss you off, and then they sniff around to watch your reaction. And that's how they figure things out for themselves--their place in the world, and how relationships work.

So it sort of sounds like she's this type of person, and she wanted to be around you so she could sort of see how you were dealing with being away from her. I still suggest staying away from her, because it seems like your personality isn't very compatible with hers as far as friend material. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just the way things are.

So really, I think you should stay away for the most part, but it might be OK to hang out with her every month or so (or longer), as long as you REMEMBER why you can't be CLOSE friends with her. Acquaintance? Maybe. But she WILL be rude and piss you off again in the future. It's guaranteed. So the choice is yours to make. Can you handle being around her for short periods? If so, then meeting with her every now and then might be alright. If you CAN'T handle it, just stay away.

That's my advice.

It sounds like you're on top of things now, though...so that's good. Ultimately, you know what you want/need in your life, and you've taken a step to make it happen. And that's always a hop in the right direction.

 

[nerdygirl]

I get the feeling she and I might be slightly alike. You said that she doesn't have many friends, and she seems to be content at maintaining "friendships" with somewhat minimal contact. I'm really asocial, so most of my friends don't hear from me or see me often. Then, I get lonely, and I give one a call and ask if they want to go to lunch or something.

The difference is... I only keep the people I genuinely like around, and I let them know that I'm really introverted, so my tendency to stay away is nothing personal. Being open and honest is the best way to go, but not everybody gets that. There is also the possibility that she was having a crappy day and needed to bad mouth somebody... which would be the wrong way to vent, but a lot of people do that, too.

I'd suggest letting her be the one who initiates conversation or hanging out. Don't rearrange your schedule for her, but if she's asking and you've got nothing to do... why not use her for companionship, the way she uses you?

 

[Mysis]

Could always poop in a box and FedEx it to her...

I'm just sayin'...

 

[nerdygirl]

Leave it to Mysis to come up with the best ideas...