WanderingDreamer
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- Jan 15, 2015
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Hello everyone.
It's kind of weird to me, doing this, but never did it before, creating an account in a help forum, but I think I had enough of my situation.
So, I'm 23, a student in College, and with a big crush on one of my friends that I just can't expose to her for some reasons you'll read.
Let's say this is girl R.
Back to the start, I met this girl on Fall 2010, my 1st semester, and got allocated in the same group as girl R in one of my university integration subjects. I started to talk to her, didn't know anything about her at all, but was suspicious we could have a great friendship, nothing fancy because I was with a crush on another girl (say girl S) since my Highschool, but didn't get along with her in the summer to express my feelings, I had to wait some other opportunities.
So along the 1st year of college, I was kinda going to a depression because I didn't want to take the course I was in, since I found programming more interesting during one of the subjects, and I realized I wanted to go to Informatics. Girl R was always with me within many of the subjects because, as said before we instantly get along with each other, but she knew I had a crush for girl S, and I knew she wasn't interested in having something since she came out of a break up.
After 1st year, Summer/Fall 2011, I tried to change my course, which I failed to (was the 1st guy on the course transfer list to not get in). I just got tired, didn't know what to do with my education life, I knew I didn't want that. So girl R at the start of this year wasn't in the same classes I was, and we talked a little less with each other, so I turned again on girl S, and started to get along with her very well again, since she went to another course at the start of this year too, and she didn't know anyone at her college, so I usually lunched with her, go out and all.
Middle of 1st semester I receive great news, I was approved to change to informatics because one of the list failed to complete his transfer. Was one of the best days of my life, I would learn what I really wanted to do with my life.
Unfortunately, since I changed, I talked less and less with girl R, and since I had to catch up almost 1 year of subjects, had no time to get with girl S too.
After this year, on Summer 2012, finally got time to get back to girl S, and on a date with her, I told her my feelings and kissed her. She said she knew we had something special, but had to think if that was really the best for us and told me that she had to get some time to think about a relationship. I let her and didn't pressure anything. 1 month has passed and I discovered she started a relationship with a guy she met at her new college... this all in the time I stopped to talk to her. I was in shock, just because I retained to talk to her about the crush I had going for 2 years, just lost her. Was really mad with her, but also mad with myself for always putting school in priority all that year.
Meanwhile, late Summer, girl R tells me she isn't having a good time with the course too, and really wanted to change to mine (since she liked the programming, and her brother was in the last year of informatics too). I helped her along with all the documents to change, and she transferred at the 1st try. I was still thinking about girl S, but girl R started again to get mutual with me, we were good working partners again, and good friends.
So one day I talked to her about what happened last Summer, and how bad psychologically I was about liking anyone else. This was just as the 1st semester ended, in February 2013.
Then, 2nd semester started, but she had many subjects from 1st year that I already did last year, so I was spending less time with her, but still helping with what I could.
Finally, I got through girl S, and started looking to girl R as more than a friend, started to talk a lot more with her, but then one day, I heard "this guy from 1st grade is this and that...". I thought I ****ed up again, sobbing for the other girl who just wasted my time, I would lose once more for not doing the right thing at the right time.
Had mixed feelings until the last weeks of semester, when I really saw she was into the other dude, and then I started to get away from her, so I wouldn't be hurt again. She never knew why I stopped talking to her, but I had to stop thinking of her.
Summer 2013, she finally assumed the relationship with the other guy, I was heartbroken once again. I realized I couldn't be that way again, and said to girl S I had to have a talk with her, about what was wrong with both of us, since we never touched the subject since our last date. I just let her go after a great talk we had, and I just accepted I could be just her friend (we kinda got more apart anyway, talk much less, but I'm always up to help her if needed).
After this talk with girl S, I finally let girl R go off my mind too, and talked back to her almost at the end of Summer, and told about my conversation with girl S, and how R made me remember her this last year, but never touching the subject that I liked her in the first place, that would put us away.
So, year of 2013/2014, we got close again, but I never thought again about liking her, I met her boyfriend as well (he's a nice guy). I was just focused on my study, didn't care about having relationship with anyone, but she was getting more close to me, since the transfer she didn't meet many people, since everyone was younger than us, and different minded as we were. We were so close she always talked me problems she had in her family, or discussions she had with her boyfriend, but I tried not to care as much. She always says she was lost, this course wasn't her life goal at all, and until this day, she doesn't know what she wants to be. Me and her boyfriend were the 2 closest persons she had all the year, and always supporting her when she breaks down.
Then, in the last weeks of 2nd semester of last year, our group of friends we had from our 1st course, disbanded because of some projects problems (me, girl R, and 2 of my closest friends). I was "backstabed" in 2 projects by both of my guy friends, and until now I never talked to them again. So all last Summer I talked with R, about how we would do this new semester to come, about our subject projects and all.
Fall of 2014, 1st semester, me and her talked a lot more, getting closer and closer. She sometimes got mad with her boyfriend but never talked about a breakup, so I wasn't ever with the expectation I could do something, but always supported her, and had time to hear what she wanted to say. Just then I realized, I'm her emotional deposit all this time, despite me knowing she likes me a lot, I had the same feeling for her.
One day, she just get furious with her boyfriend and talked about breaking up. I just cracked. I heard that and I thought "I love her". But can't say that to her. Would never accept she would break up with her boyfriend for me. They reconciled and she spent this Christmas and the start of the year with him and all, in spite of always saying I'm one of the best persons in her life.
A little forward, this gets back to the present day. I'm still with this on my mind. Can't really say what I feel for her, since she told me her boyfriend is the love of her life, and after all the argues they have, they love each other.
I need to talk to her after our exams season, since I know she is a little down with this, not liking the course at all, but has to conclude it since she can't say to her parents that this isn't what she really wants.
So my question is "what should I do?".
I can't really go on without saying nothing, or giving another break on our friendship. Either way she will be broken.
If I tell her my feelings and all the story, I can't make her choose either side, so I must give it a time. If she chooses me I'll feel guilty, because I know her boyfriend is a straight up guy, and I don't want to be "that guy" that ****ed a relationship for his own well being. If she chooses him anyway, we would get apart since I hold this for too long anyway.
I can't just "go away" too, since it's sad, but I'm her only true friend in college, and I would be ok with myself either continue thinking about what could had been.
Or... should I just wait and suck it up as I did until now until I get crazy.
And this is the prelude of my story, and I'm here looking for the finish. Unfortunately will be a sad one taking all the possible outcomes.
Thanks for anyone who read all this long text, maybe It could be shorter, or I could put more details, but while I wrote it, was making me feeling good to share my feelings and turning this more "true" once it's anywhere else, other than in my mind.
Please, say all you want, if it's with good intention.
And sorry if the English isn't perfect. I'm trying my best since I need to practice more long texts instead of little "chat phrases".
I'll end with this quote, that makes the subtitle of my last love encounters:
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.”
― Kurt Vonnegut
Take care.
It's kind of weird to me, doing this, but never did it before, creating an account in a help forum, but I think I had enough of my situation.
So, I'm 23, a student in College, and with a big crush on one of my friends that I just can't expose to her for some reasons you'll read.
Let's say this is girl R.
Back to the start, I met this girl on Fall 2010, my 1st semester, and got allocated in the same group as girl R in one of my university integration subjects. I started to talk to her, didn't know anything about her at all, but was suspicious we could have a great friendship, nothing fancy because I was with a crush on another girl (say girl S) since my Highschool, but didn't get along with her in the summer to express my feelings, I had to wait some other opportunities.
So along the 1st year of college, I was kinda going to a depression because I didn't want to take the course I was in, since I found programming more interesting during one of the subjects, and I realized I wanted to go to Informatics. Girl R was always with me within many of the subjects because, as said before we instantly get along with each other, but she knew I had a crush for girl S, and I knew she wasn't interested in having something since she came out of a break up.
After 1st year, Summer/Fall 2011, I tried to change my course, which I failed to (was the 1st guy on the course transfer list to not get in). I just got tired, didn't know what to do with my education life, I knew I didn't want that. So girl R at the start of this year wasn't in the same classes I was, and we talked a little less with each other, so I turned again on girl S, and started to get along with her very well again, since she went to another course at the start of this year too, and she didn't know anyone at her college, so I usually lunched with her, go out and all.
Middle of 1st semester I receive great news, I was approved to change to informatics because one of the list failed to complete his transfer. Was one of the best days of my life, I would learn what I really wanted to do with my life.
Unfortunately, since I changed, I talked less and less with girl R, and since I had to catch up almost 1 year of subjects, had no time to get with girl S too.
After this year, on Summer 2012, finally got time to get back to girl S, and on a date with her, I told her my feelings and kissed her. She said she knew we had something special, but had to think if that was really the best for us and told me that she had to get some time to think about a relationship. I let her and didn't pressure anything. 1 month has passed and I discovered she started a relationship with a guy she met at her new college... this all in the time I stopped to talk to her. I was in shock, just because I retained to talk to her about the crush I had going for 2 years, just lost her. Was really mad with her, but also mad with myself for always putting school in priority all that year.
Meanwhile, late Summer, girl R tells me she isn't having a good time with the course too, and really wanted to change to mine (since she liked the programming, and her brother was in the last year of informatics too). I helped her along with all the documents to change, and she transferred at the 1st try. I was still thinking about girl S, but girl R started again to get mutual with me, we were good working partners again, and good friends.
So one day I talked to her about what happened last Summer, and how bad psychologically I was about liking anyone else. This was just as the 1st semester ended, in February 2013.
Then, 2nd semester started, but she had many subjects from 1st year that I already did last year, so I was spending less time with her, but still helping with what I could.
Finally, I got through girl S, and started looking to girl R as more than a friend, started to talk a lot more with her, but then one day, I heard "this guy from 1st grade is this and that...". I thought I ****ed up again, sobbing for the other girl who just wasted my time, I would lose once more for not doing the right thing at the right time.
Had mixed feelings until the last weeks of semester, when I really saw she was into the other dude, and then I started to get away from her, so I wouldn't be hurt again. She never knew why I stopped talking to her, but I had to stop thinking of her.
Summer 2013, she finally assumed the relationship with the other guy, I was heartbroken once again. I realized I couldn't be that way again, and said to girl S I had to have a talk with her, about what was wrong with both of us, since we never touched the subject since our last date. I just let her go after a great talk we had, and I just accepted I could be just her friend (we kinda got more apart anyway, talk much less, but I'm always up to help her if needed).
After this talk with girl S, I finally let girl R go off my mind too, and talked back to her almost at the end of Summer, and told about my conversation with girl S, and how R made me remember her this last year, but never touching the subject that I liked her in the first place, that would put us away.
So, year of 2013/2014, we got close again, but I never thought again about liking her, I met her boyfriend as well (he's a nice guy). I was just focused on my study, didn't care about having relationship with anyone, but she was getting more close to me, since the transfer she didn't meet many people, since everyone was younger than us, and different minded as we were. We were so close she always talked me problems she had in her family, or discussions she had with her boyfriend, but I tried not to care as much. She always says she was lost, this course wasn't her life goal at all, and until this day, she doesn't know what she wants to be. Me and her boyfriend were the 2 closest persons she had all the year, and always supporting her when she breaks down.
Then, in the last weeks of 2nd semester of last year, our group of friends we had from our 1st course, disbanded because of some projects problems (me, girl R, and 2 of my closest friends). I was "backstabed" in 2 projects by both of my guy friends, and until now I never talked to them again. So all last Summer I talked with R, about how we would do this new semester to come, about our subject projects and all.
Fall of 2014, 1st semester, me and her talked a lot more, getting closer and closer. She sometimes got mad with her boyfriend but never talked about a breakup, so I wasn't ever with the expectation I could do something, but always supported her, and had time to hear what she wanted to say. Just then I realized, I'm her emotional deposit all this time, despite me knowing she likes me a lot, I had the same feeling for her.
One day, she just get furious with her boyfriend and talked about breaking up. I just cracked. I heard that and I thought "I love her". But can't say that to her. Would never accept she would break up with her boyfriend for me. They reconciled and she spent this Christmas and the start of the year with him and all, in spite of always saying I'm one of the best persons in her life.
A little forward, this gets back to the present day. I'm still with this on my mind. Can't really say what I feel for her, since she told me her boyfriend is the love of her life, and after all the argues they have, they love each other.
I need to talk to her after our exams season, since I know she is a little down with this, not liking the course at all, but has to conclude it since she can't say to her parents that this isn't what she really wants.
So my question is "what should I do?".
I can't really go on without saying nothing, or giving another break on our friendship. Either way she will be broken.
If I tell her my feelings and all the story, I can't make her choose either side, so I must give it a time. If she chooses me I'll feel guilty, because I know her boyfriend is a straight up guy, and I don't want to be "that guy" that ****ed a relationship for his own well being. If she chooses him anyway, we would get apart since I hold this for too long anyway.
I can't just "go away" too, since it's sad, but I'm her only true friend in college, and I would be ok with myself either continue thinking about what could had been.
Or... should I just wait and suck it up as I did until now until I get crazy.
And this is the prelude of my story, and I'm here looking for the finish. Unfortunately will be a sad one taking all the possible outcomes.
Thanks for anyone who read all this long text, maybe It could be shorter, or I could put more details, but while I wrote it, was making me feeling good to share my feelings and turning this more "true" once it's anywhere else, other than in my mind.
Please, say all you want, if it's with good intention.
And sorry if the English isn't perfect. I'm trying my best since I need to practice more long texts instead of little "chat phrases".
I'll end with this quote, that makes the subtitle of my last love encounters:
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.”
― Kurt Vonnegut
Take care.
if a girl only wants to be friends, she's using you! That's like common knowledge. :shy:
