Get rid of self absorbed friends

[stork_error]

This past year I went through some difficult honeysuckle. Anyway long story short... get rid of self absorbed friends.

I had 2 people around me that never heard a thing I had to say, it was always all about them. One of them would talk on and on and on and wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise and the other one would let me talk but then wouldn't reply...she would continue to talk about her her and only her.

The worst part was that both of them made me feel like my work problems were dramatic and of no worth to discus. One did nothing but talk about her boyfriends and nice dresses and the other one talked about stories of other people I don't even know... and each story merged into the next one so i never got to speak.

Reaching out to people who don't give a fresia and being devalued, cut off or not heard is worse than having nobody to listen. Which leads me to why i prefer to be alone, because as i said before, I'm not lonely, just alone, by choice.

So, anyway, i cut them off. I had no plans to cut them right off as i did care about one of them but i felt so peaceful after dumping them that i concluded that they were a large part of my problem. If I'm going through horrible times at work that make me feel that humans suck, why would i want 2 more self absorbed humans around me all the time to remind me of what is making me feel horrible in the first place.

Cut off negative people. You have a right to be heard, appreciated and valued. If you aren't, then you are better off alone, valuing yourself and, appreciating yourself.

 

[Tiina63]

I think you have done the right thing. As you have said, reaching out to people who don't give a f..k and being devalued or cut off or not heard is worse than having nobody to listen. There are a lot of people like this-it is always all about them. It is worth looking for friends who can see beyond themselves to you and who will take a supportive interest in your problems. It might take a long while, and you may have to cull others from time to time, but one or two true friends are well worth the search.
I have recently downgraded someone from friend to acquaintance/associate in my mind. Having a couple of good friends made it possible for me to do this. Hopefully you will make some proper friends soon-you can pm me if you want.

 

[LonelySutton]

Yeh, I was just going to post something similar to this. It is kind of shocking lately how people that I know are just like vampire suckers about wanting do get all the benefit out of the relationship. I have a "friend" who I basically told off and told her we weren't friends. She just kind of kept ignoring my wishes. I unfriended her from facebook, was rather rude to her. But still she kept coming to my office when she wanted to talk. I finally just gave up and decided I would just let her spew. Some people said I should be flattered that she still wants to be friends with me. Huh? She doesn't want to be friends with me... she wants an ear to listen to her.

It is soul crushing. Sometimes I call her to talk to her about something important to me and I get a very frosty reception like... well I have some work to do. But she just tootles down to my office when she wants to talk about something. It is interesting that I never go to her office I only call, but she always comes to my office to "trap" me. I never understand if she doesn't want to talk to me when I call, why does she pick up.

I agree, it is better to be alone than not reciprocated. But where do you find the good friends? So rare. And I always think I found good friends only to find them all the same... users.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Reaching out to people who don't give a fresia and being devalued, cut off or not heard is worse than having nobody to listen. Which leads me to why i prefer to be alone, because as i said before, I'm not lonely, just alone, by choice.

My sentiments exactly.

 

[Solivagant]

But where do you find the good friends? So rare. And I always think I found good friends only to find them all the same... users.

That's what I'd like to know.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I had 2 people around me that never heard a thing I had to say, it was always all about them. One of them would talk on and on and on and wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise and the other one would let me talk but then wouldn't reply...she would continue to talk about her her and only her.

I didn't realize until recently how common this was. I really thought it was me, almost as if I were imagining it. I, too, know someone that just doesn't want to hear what anyone else does. It's always about them. You tell them something, and they completely ignore it. I usually brush it off and just continue with the flow of the conversation, but it strikes me as being extremely rude. I don't do this to anyone. I'm always listening to people. I have no problem hearing others out.

But this is unfortunately really common. This is about the third or fourth time I've even read or heard of this happening in the past couple of weeks. I don't know what the issue is with some people where they just don't give a **** about anyone else. It's getting to a point with me where I just don't want to talk to them anymore. Because every time I do, everything I say is pushed under the current and all of their problems should matter most to me.

It's really tiring.

 

[LonelySutton]

I didn't realize until recently how common this was. I really thought it was me, almost as if I were imagining it. I, too, know someone that just doesn't want to hear what anyone else does.

One thing I do, that I know might seem like I am all about me, is that I try to tell a story that is similar -- that we might have in common... but, this is how it usually comes up with me.

Me: Oh my tooth is really bothering me.. the dentist says I might have to have a root canal.
Alleged friend: " your so neurotic".

Me: Stunned silence as to maybe I am really neurotic..
Alleged friend: that doesn't compare to me, I had a root canal that lasted 4 hours and broke records... I was in pain for weeks and died a little bit, come talk to me when you have had 18 root canals.

Me: Shamed and feeling stupid.
Alleged friend: me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ... are you listening... me, me, me, me.

I come away wishing I had never said anything.

 

[VanillaCreme]

One thing I do, that I know might seem like I am all about me, is that I try to tell a story that is similar -- that we might have in common... but, this is how it usually comes up with me.

I think there's a difference between trying to relate and having something in common, and completely ignoring someone when they're trying to tell you something. I don't mind someone wanting to relate, but if that person is blatantly ignoring most of what I'm saying, I see no point in talking to them. I can work with relating. I can't work with someone being so rude as to talk over me with other things. I can think of many conversations that weren't even close to being finished because the person just outright ignored everything I was saying. Cut me off mid-sentence just to get out things that happened to them. It's beyond rude and way past trying to relate or talk about things in common, because they would cut me off with things that weren't even remotely close to the topic at hand.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I think you did the right thing by cutting them out of your life. There's a few people who do this to me, all they do is talk about there problems. I have no problem listening to them and being there for them, but when it comes to me wanting to say something I get completely ignored. In the end I usually un-friend them cause I'm tired of people taking advantage of my kindness and walking all over me. Trust me you did the right thing.

You need a true friend who will actually listen to you, let you speak your mind & won't cut you off when you're trying to speak.

 

[stork_error]

Yes, I listen to them for hrs about things i have no interest in but when it comes to my work issues its like they just dont want to listen. Sorry that i cant make my problems more interesting and more exciting about boys, dresses, and vacations. I'm sort of stuck trying to survive in life while you get to play nightime cinderella in life since you have the benefit of living with mommy and daddy and can save your money for dresses. Unlike myself who has to struggle with 500 responsibilities, bills and problems. Heres how my conversations went

Girl # 1
me : So thats the situation with work, What do you think I should do?
Her : Hmmm I dont know... (pause)... Hey do you think I should call him?
me: sure
her: " what should i say to him?
me: ( pause....) did you even hear anything i said to you?



Girl #2
me: I'ts really hard because i have to make money so I'm kind of stuck. I dont know what to do.
her : I have this friend julia who went through that. She tried to ....... and she ..... and then....... and it was all because... and then my sisters friends linda as well.....oh ya... did i ever tell you about what happened to my cousins aunt sue.... it was..... because..... and sometimes.... but when she.... and she...... and that guy from yesterday..... and ohhhh and margaret called him this morning... and she...
Me: uh huh
..... and it was awful because...... and then it happened to my neice jenny... and she... but it was so funny becasuse her mom.... and her other sisters kelly and michelle..... they were....... and they...... but now...... and thats why..... but it wasnt as bad as my friend ron who..... and he ...... and they......
Me : uh huh

 

[ladyforsaken]

Yes, I listen to them for hrs about things i have no interest in but when it comes to my work issues its like they just dont want to listen. Sorry that i cant make my problems more interesting and more exciting about boys, dresses, and vacations. I'm sort of stuck trying to survive in life while you get to play nightime cinderella in life since you have the benefit of living with mommy and daddy and can save your money for dresses. Unlike myself who has to struggle with 500 responsibilities, bills and problems. Heres how my conversations went

Girl # 1
me : So thats the situation with work, What do you think I should do?
Her : Hmmm I dont know... (pause)... Hey do you think I should call him?
me: sure
her: " what should i say to him?
me: ( pause....) did you even hear anything i said to you?



Girl #2
me: I'ts really hard because i have to make money so I'm kind of stuck. I dont know what to do.
her : I have this friend julia who went through that. She tried to ....... and she ..... and then....... and it was all because... and then my sisters friends linda as well.....oh ya... did i ever tell you about what happened to my cousins aunt sue.... it was..... because..... and sometimes.... but when she.... and she...... and that guy from yesterday..... and ohhhh and margaret called him this morning... and she...
Me: uh huh
..... and it was awful because...... and then it happened to my neice jenny... and she... but it was so funny becasuse her mom.... and her other sisters kelly and michelle..... they were....... and they...... but now...... and thats why..... but it wasnt as bad as my friend ron who..... and he ...... and they......
Me : uh huh

I hear you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Yes, I listen to them for hrs about things i have no interest in but when it comes to my work issues its like they just dont want to listen. Sorry that i cant make my problems more interesting and more exciting about boys, dresses, and vacations. I'm sort of stuck trying to survive in life while you get to play nightime cinderella in life since you have the benefit of living with mommy and daddy and can save your money for dresses. Unlike myself who has to struggle with 500 responsibilities, bills and problems. Heres how my conversations went

Girl # 1
me : So thats the situation with work, What do you think I should do?
Her : Hmmm I dont know... (pause)... Hey do you think I should call him?
me: sure
her: " what should i say to him?
me: ( pause....) did you even hear anything i said to you?

This is very similar to what happens with me. Don't put up with it if you don't want to. It's sad because most of these people don't even care to realize how selfish they really are. They don't care to realize that it's making the people they talk to not want to talk to them. But don't put up with that mess. I know I don't. I don't have to, and I don't. I'd rather not talk to anyone than to constantly put up with that.

 

[StormChild]

This is an issue I'm wrestling with at the moment.

I'm not a very sociable person and don't have a huge need for friends; the only person I open myself up to is my sister. She's always been a bit self-absorbed (we make plans for lunch and she doesn't show up, promises to help me with something and afterwards doesn't remember the conversation), but she's also wise and thoughtful and knows me better than anybody in the world.

Over the past year or two she's started randomly making hurtful comments. She tried to talk me into quitting my job even though I have nothing else to go to and no other way to support my family. She volunteers to do me favours and then complains afterwards how much of an inconvenience it was to her. She gives herself permission to be rude and vicious by saying that she's a straight talker.

I've started to distance myself from her, but part of me remembers that she's had a very difficult time in the past couple of years and another part wonders if I'm expecting too much from her. I know that I'm inclined to withdraw and protect myself if somebody disappoints me, but this is my sister and we've been close for decades. Is it better to have somebody difficult than to have nobody? I can't decide.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Over the past year or two she's started randomly making hurtful comments. She tried to talk me into quitting my job even though I have nothing else to go to and no other way to support my family. She volunteers to do me favours and then complains afterwards how much of an inconvenience it was to her. She gives herself permission to be rude and vicious by saying that she's a straight talker.

If she were my sister, I'd tell her to leave me be. This isn't the exact situation I experienced with my brother, but I did feel as though he hated helping me. And it doesn't matter what I've done for him, I'm not going to put myself in a place where relying on someone for something means they hate doing it for me. Because of what I went through, I started telling people that they don't need to help. I appreciate what I have, but I'm not about to feel as though I owe the world because I accepted help. I've been through too much crap in my life to feel like I'm a charity case.

 

[lifestream]

I often wonder who the real problem is in this situation: people like us for allowing selfish people into our lives when we should know better, or people like them who see no harm in exploiting a person for every drop of attentiveness and caring they can get.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think more of it leans on the people who accept this behavior. Because we - the people who may deal with this - decide to deal with it. We could just as easily choose not to deal with it. But for whatever reason - guilt, emotions, whatever else - many think they have to deal with situations like this. And nobody does.

 

[LonelySutton]

I often wonder who the real problem is in this situation: people like us for allowing selfish people into our lives when we should know better, or people like them who see no harm in exploiting a person for every drop of attentiveness and caring they can get.

I do feel I am often targeted. I have observed about myself that I typically have friends based on who approaches me.. not the other way around. And that I have noticed that people who have good friends, for the most part, approach and cultivate them. One thing I do see, I have no idea how to find and target good friends. I often think that people are good friends but then they disintegrate into bad ones.

 

[StormChild]

I agree with this. Because I suspect that I tend to be over-sensitive and expect too much in relationships, I constantly question whether I'm over-reacting in situations like this. My own self-doubt is what turns me into a doormat.

This time, though, I'm giving myself permission to draw a line.

 

[lifestream]

The thing about selfish people (and I'm dancing around the word 'narcissist' here) is that they can be very charming. They can make you feel like you're the centre of the universe when all you are to them is a mirror for their delusion. It's hard to discern who is genuine and who is a potential disaster, when approaching potential friendships.

 

[Tealeaf]

I've had those, too. They were quick to talk about their own problems, potentially for hours a day, but would give more of a hand-wave than honest attention to my own feelings, if what I said was acknowledged at all. I've always felt better, if disappointed, after cutting them off and re-allocating all the time I spent.

For me, "self-absorbed" would encompass 99% of humanity who don't have the humility to at least try to look at people outside of their utility, though. It's rare for me to be approached by someone who just wants to have enthusiastic discussion and share care with other life. Everyone pretty much has already decided on what they want from me and tries to steer our interactions in that direction, oftentimes with lies.

I don't know if it's healthier to keep looking and constantly have to watch people for signs in order to have just a little bit of good company, or to segregate myself from the sickness that is humanity so that it can't contaminate me, too. Offline I've completely removed myself from social settings that aren't business-related or the store, and I'm considering doing it online, too. Despite my flaws, I have a lot to offer others and don't ask that people be in my life only to fill a void or make me feel better about my shitty life. Human beings are supposed to be the end, not the means to an end. I don't know if the world has anything for me except the joy of being bent and twisted out of shape and put through pain in order to fill their voids.

I might find one good person for every ten who I feel are looking to gain. And it's an immense relief to just be able to talk and goof off without someone trying to pry sympathy from me, or stamping their feet when I don't completely trust them after a few weeks. I've done my fair share of bad stuff and had my share of harsh arguments in life, but at least I reflect on it and learn from it rather than immediately move on to the next person who's going to "fix" depression or whatever. At least I acknowledge that my actions were harmful and shouldn't be repeated.

I often wonder who the real problem is in this situation: people like us for allowing selfish people into our lives when we should know better, or people like them who see no harm in exploiting a person for every drop of attentiveness and caring they can get.

Them. I cut them out whenever I find them. They keep coming. It is also their choice to treat the world and people around them in such a way.