You know, I feel selfish for writing this. Like I am taking up space on the forum that I shouldn't but, oh well. Another part of being reluctant to write this is the silence that's going around in my mind. Like there's nothing to be said, nothing worthwhile anyways.
So today is Christmas day. I am kinda dreading it. I am dreading going to see my father's side of the family. My aunts and uncles. They'll ask me questions I don't wish to answer. "How's grad school?" will inevitably be responded to with "It's good. I'm enjoying it." Which couldn't be farther from the truth.
Every time I am arrogant about my abilities and limitless about my future, I get knocked down. I should stop doing that stuff, I guess. Last year around this time I was studying for the LSATs and telling people I was considering law school. God, how arrogant that feels now. As if I could do law school. I was planning on applying to the evening program that would've taken me 3 years at American University and going for disability law. Never applied. Never took the LSATs.
I can barely handle this program I am in right now that I thought was going to be easy based on the admission process, which consisted only of one interview. To be fair, the academic side isn't very hard but the emotional interpersonal side kills it for me. My previous undergraduate psychology professor was right that that was the hard part of the program, should've believed her.
I need to redo my paper so I am not on academic probation anymore but I've been avoiding doing it because it's intimidating me. Shouldn't surprise me. I was intimidated the first time around, why would this time around be any different? How the hell am I going to do clear ASL too?
This year my mom has been struggling financially. After giving her a lump sum of my trust fund payout for the mortgage, the house I am in feels like a trap. Feels as if I am stuck here, and I"m sure my mom feels this way too. Actually, it's magnified for her, she's told me so.
You see, the house is from my parent's marriage and even if I put all of my trustfund money into it, it still wouldn't be paid for. So. I have been at my mom to organize the house lately because she keeps saying the house isn't organized and therefore she can't sell it. Well, if she doesn't sell it, then, she loses all the equity in the house when the bank seizes it back.
I worry for my mother. I want her to have that house to A) pay off her debts and B) be able to retire on. I am never going to be able to make enough money to help support her in her old age. My brother certainly isn't going to be around for it. He could care less.
I've been having therapy sessions and yesterday was my second one. The first one consisted of me word-vomiting everything out to her. And her being confused because she hadn't seen me for two years. The second consisted of me not being sure what to say, and being unable to feel what she felt. In her email to me afterwards she described me as being burnt out. I talked with her about considering a leave of absence from school
Emotionally I feel really quiet lately. In none of my profiles online do I want text, or pictures. There's nothing out there that seems to describe me. It's like I am a flower that is closed and doesn't want to open. Not sure if that analogy fits but, I do feel closed lately. I feel quiet. I struggle to come up with things to say to my friends online too.
I've managed to convince myself that I'm not pregnant. So, at least that somatic delusion is gone and out of the way. After several negative urine tests and looking at how psuedocyesis is treated, I realized one of the signs was that psuedocyesis (false pregnancy) would always come up with negative urine tests. I've also counted out the protective factors against pregnancy 1) It was oral sex , 2) I took Plan b , 4) I've been getting periods, 5) urine tests were negative, 6) When I prod my abdomen, I can feel the hard muscle underneath soft squishy stuff, and I can grab the soft squishy stuff. So, that means I'm not pregnant because the baby would be under the hard abdomen mass. 7) My weight and waist size have remained the same so far. No changes. 8) My stomach distends only when I eat.
Can you see how I've talked myself out of my delusion? It was hard, but I did it.
I'm still taking my Paxil. Not sure it's doing any good. I do feel calmer after taking it though, no irritation. It might be causing me to feel blank. There's still some tics but so far I've been able to hide them when in public. The constipation isn't too bad either. Taking it during the day ensures that I won't sleep 11 hours.
I could write more, but this is good enough for now.
