Had a great first date but now im confused

[TheRealCallie]

I was a single mum/dad 5 eves a week for 12 years it's not that hard .
.Still had 3 hrs an evening to chill out....

Shh. Don't ruin the single parent super hero image! Some people NEED this. =p

If this is directed at me, some parents are busier than others.  I am constantly having to drive my kids to doctor appointments/play dates, being involved with the school, working two jobs, the obligatory household duties, driving them and volunteering at school functions, not to mention the latest road trips I am taking to see my son in his competitions.  Not EVERY parent has the luxury of having 3 hours every evening to "chill out."  Just because ONE person says they do doesn't mean EVERY parent does. 

Some parents also blow off their kids and just toss them to whoever will watch them or leave them home alone so they can go out and get drunk and fresia whoever they want.  Does that mean EVERY parent is like this?  Probably not, no....

 

[kamya]

It wasn't directed to anyone specifically.

 

[ardour]

The 'perpetually single loser guy' + single mother is a bad/unlikely match in my opinion. When there's zero experience to look back on the idea of being thrown in the deep end while raising another man’s kids can seem humiliating. And since kids are involved there’s going to be very little slack cut, so no room for the inevitable first-relationship mistakes and faux pas.

 

[Sci-Fi]

The 'perpetually single loser guy' + single mother is a bad/unlikely match in my opinion. When there's zero experience to look back on the idea of being thrown in the deep end while raising another man’s kids can seem humiliating. And since kids are involved there’s going to be very little slack cut, so no room for the inevitable first-relationship mistakes and faux pas.

I get so sick of seeing some of you post that same old label just to have an excuse. Any guy or woman, no matter what label you want to put on them, if they get involved with a person who has a child they are going to have to expect to come in second. You are going to have to expect that there is something else more important in their life. You are going to have to be ready and sure you want to get involved in that life. A child will always come FIRST to a parent unless they are a selfish type of person. It doesn't matter what ridiculous label some of you want to put on yourselves and others. If you can't be second then you shouldn't be wasting their time. Getting involved with someone who has kids is not something you do because you are lonely and want to be in a relationship, this is not healthy for anyone.

 

[kamya]

The 'perpetually single loser guy'  + single mother is  a bad/unlikely match in my opinion. When there's zero experience to look back on the idea of being thrown in the deep end while raising another man’s kids can seem humiliating. And since kids are involved there’s going to be very little slack cut, so no room for the  inevitable first-relationship mistakes and faux pas.

I get so sick of seeing some of you post that same old label just to have an excuse.  Any guy or woman, no matter what label you want to put on them, if they get involved with a person who has a child they are going to have to expect to come in second.  You are going to have to expect that there is something else more important in their life.  You are going to have to be ready and sure you want to get involved in that life.  A child will always come FIRST to a parent unless they are a selfish type of person.  It doesn't matter what ridiculous label some of you want to put on yourselves and others.  If you can't be second then you shouldn't be wasting their time.  Getting involved with someone who has kids is not something you do because you are lonely and want to be in a relationship, this is not healthy for anyone.

This is correct. It's a no-brainer, especially to people that have kids.

Next question is a bit off topic.

If single parents are all aware of these facts, why do so many get so upset and defensive when people refuse to consider dating single parents for these exact reasons?

 

[Xpendable]

If you enter a relationship being in second place from the start, what did you actually got?
I have no problem with having kids eventually, but one should be able to enjoy being number one and having a number one in your life for a while. It's supposed to be a zero-sum game, with both parts being equal. I simply see no incentive to get in there.

 

[ardour]

The 'perpetually single loser guy'  + single mother is  a bad/unlikely match in my opinion. When there's zero experience to look back on the idea of being thrown in the deep end while raising another man’s kids can seem humiliating. And since kids are involved there’s going to be very little slack cut, so no room for the  inevitable first-relationship mistakes and faux pas.

I get so sick of seeing some of you post that same old label just to have an excuse.  Any guy or woman, no matter what label you want to put on them, if they get involved with a person who has a child they are going to have to expect to come in second.  You are going to have to expect that there is something else more important in their life.  You are going to have to be ready and sure you want to get involved in that life.  A child will always come FIRST to a parent unless they are a selfish type of person.  It doesn't matter what ridiculous label some of you want to put on yourselves and others.  If you can't be second then you shouldn't be wasting their time.  Getting involved with someone who has kids is not something you do because you are lonely and want to be in a relationship, this is not healthy for anyone.

Were you arguing against something here and was it just easier to reply to the last post? Of course single mothers should put their kids first, but being a (distant) second in someone's life might feel kind of depressing as a first relationship.

 

[Joturbo]

I was a single mum/dad 5 eves a week for 12 years it's not that hard .
.Still had 3 hrs an evening to chill out....

Shh. Don't ruin the single parent super hero image! Some people NEED this. =p

If this is directed at me, some parents are busier than others.  I am constantly having to drive my kids to doctor appointments/play dates, being involved with the school, working two jobs, the obligatory household duties, driving them and volunteering at school functions, not to mention the latest road trips I am taking to see my son in his competitions.  Not EVERY parent has the luxury of having 3 hours every evening to "chill out."  Just because ONE person says they do doesn't mean EVERY parent does. 

Some parents also blow off their kids and just toss them to whoever will watch them or leave them home alone so they can go out and get drunk and fresia whoever they want.  Does that mean EVERY parent is like this?  Probably not, no....

Yea been there done that ..got the T-shirt except for the volunteering and two jobs.My eldest son was in a football team from age five to fifteen believe you me my Dads taxi is totally knackered now and was scrapped recently.I suppose I was lucky that I lived on a quiet road where my kids could play every night on the street.But what niggles me is this being busy with kids mantra.I worked it so that I had plenty of free time after sorting the kids school runs..meals/wash up ....playing games/homework with them when younger...nappies etc...numerous sleepovers and I'm sure a good proportion of parents are similar.Also in our house mothers day involves half hour in the morning ..kids make breakfast ,give choccies/flowers to lie in mum and if we're lucky wash up at lunchtime and maybe a meal out if I'm feeling generous.So that's about three hours total out of the day...I don't get where the being busy all day part is especially with kids being on ipad s/computers etc......

 

[TheRealCallie]

The 'perpetually single loser guy'  + single mother is  a bad/unlikely match in my opinion. When there's zero experience to look back on the idea of being thrown in the deep end while raising another man’s kids can seem humiliating. And since kids are involved there’s going to be very little slack cut, so no room for the  inevitable first-relationship mistakes and faux pas.

Personally, I don't think experience matters in the slightest.  It's not about what you have had or have done or have said or whatever.  It's about how you treat the woman.  It's about how you treat the child.  It's about how you react to situations.  Kindness, trust, honesty, communication, etc are so much more important than experience. 
I would give a little slack, depending on the situation, because even people with experience are going to screw up, at times, because no one is perfect.

I was a single mum/dad 5 eves a week for 12 years it's not that hard .
.Still had 3 hrs an evening to chill out....

Shh. Don't ruin the single parent super hero image! Some people NEED this. =p

If this is directed at me, some parents are busier than others.  I am constantly having to drive my kids to doctor appointments/play dates, being involved with the school, working two jobs, the obligatory household duties, driving them and volunteering at school functions, not to mention the latest road trips I am taking to see my son in his competitions.  Not EVERY parent has the luxury of having 3 hours every evening to "chill out."  Just because ONE person says they do doesn't mean EVERY parent does. 

Some parents also blow off their kids and just toss them to whoever will watch them or leave them home alone so they can go out and get drunk and fresia whoever they want.  Does that mean EVERY parent is like this?  Probably not, no....

Yea been there done that ..got the T-shirt except for the volunteering and two jobs.My eldest son was in a football team from age five to fifteen believe you me my Dads taxi is totally knackered now and was scrapped recently.I suppose I was lucky that I lived on a quiet road where my kids could play every night on the street.But what niggles me is this being busy with kids mantra.I worked it so that I had plenty of free time after sorting the kids school runs..meals/wash up ....playing  games/homework with them when younger...nappies etc...numerous sleepovers and I'm sure a good proportion of parents are similar.Also in our house mothers day involves half hour in the morning ..kids make breakfast ,give choccies/flowers to lie in mum and if we're lucky wash up at lunchtime and maybe a meal out if I'm feeling generous.So that's about three hours total out of the day...I don't get where the being busy all day part is especially with kids being on ipad s/computers etc......

Okay, so you've been there and had 3 hours of free time in the evening, yet you didn't volunteer or have two jobs.....I do, so doesn't that kind of blow that 3 hours that is apparently so easy to get? 
I live in the middle of nowhere and have to drive at least 12 miles to get to any town.  I  drive my kids 15 miles or so to school every day (one way), so that's at least 60 miles in the car a day.  Then, of course, back to that town for after school events and whatnot.  Their doctors/therapists are in a different town 25 miles from the town they go to school in.  The specialists my oldest sees are even farther away than that.

Anyway, mother's day.  Some people (I have been one of those people) make an entire day out of it.  They go out to a park or the zoo or somewhere.  Maybe a movie  and dinner, on top of the "breakfast, flowers, blah blah blah."  So yeah, some people feel differently about it. And my kids are NOT on screens all day.  They have a limit of up to two hours a day, depending on what chores they decide to do to help me out.  My oldest gets more time because he has online college courses.  So yeah, some parent don't dump them in front of a screen all day every day.....

 

[Xpendable]

Single men deserve to be first once in a while.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Single men deserve to be first once in a while.

Then date someone without kids.  Do you honestly expect a woman to put a man above her child?  I mean sure, you will have dates and whatnot, but you can't honestly expect a decent person to place a person he/she is dating as a higher priority. 
Yes, it happens, my ex's mom did that with him.  She threw him out after him and I got a restraining order when the crackhead she was dating tried to beat the honeysuckle out of both my ex and me.  By throw him out, I mean she packed up his honeysuckle while he was at work and threw it out onto the street.  Now she's a real winner, isn't she?

 

[ABrokenMan]

Single men deserve to be first once in a while.

This is exactly the reason why the "zero experience" brigade need to try and find a partner without children.
I don't believe guys who class themselves in this camp can handle a relationship that includes someone who has one or more kids.
i worked with a guy who married a woman who had a daughter from a previous relationship. Whenever there was a parental disagreement involving the daughter, his views and decisions were readily dimmed or outright dismissed. He said, directly, "You'll never win if it comes down to you vs a partner's child that is not biologically your own."
Now, I'm not even suggesting that every single parent reacts in such a manner; I'm only offering this possibility as a point that should be considered. Can you handle this situation?
And, on the single parent side, I'm sure he or she would not want to get involved with someone like the OP.

 

[Joturbo]

Nice

Single lady sweet lovely personality...two older children from first marriage she's physically abused buy her husband but manages to divorce him.Meets another fella lovely bloke at first bit of an extrovert but ultimately shags around behind her back and treats her like honeysuckle.First husband dies .All she's looking for is someone to treat her right and to have a stable stress free life.....and she's lonely.Who would you match her up with another chap with experience or the op ,I know who I would choose.........the op every time.

 

[DarkSelene]

Kamya's question resonates

 

[MisterLonely]

Kamya's question resonates

The fact is a single parent wasn't always a single parent, they got that time where they were free of burden and responsibility, where they had someone that was their number one and they were someones number one. People in different places in their lives don't match, it's like this for religion, socializing, politics and placing children in that list is nothing unfair or selfish in any way.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Kamya's question resonates

The fact is a single parent wasn't always a single parent, they got that time where they were free of burden and responsibility, where they had someone that was their number one and they were someones number one. People in different places in their lives don't match, it's like this for religion, socializing, politics and placing children in that list is nothing unfair or selfish in any way.

So are you saying people with different religious, social and political beliefs can't work together?  I'm not so sure I agree with that. 
But as for the question being referred to.  I don't really think "so many" is accurate.  And I think that applies to ANY situation.  You are ALWAYS going to have people who do that, regardless of the topic at hand.  People get upset.  Hell, look at this.  A woman isn't give them the 24/7 attention they think they deserve so they get all upset and make a mountain out of a teeny tiny flea.

 

[DarkSelene]

What I understood is that he's talking about moments in life where people value more different things, not really just being different but the importance you put on those differences.

I agree, Mister, I don't think it's selfish in any way I actually think it's very responsible to not be that nonchalant with dating when you have a kid and I said this before on this thread, but that wasn't the question... What I see the most from single parents, mostly with younger kids, is the complaining that people with no children don't want them. Actually, I've seen some of them complain because they don't want to date single parents either -- exactly because they wouldn't get enough attention and the baggage is too much.
I think if you're a parent to young adults the situation can be very different.

It's all beautiful up until the moment where you're in the group of the rejects... then the conversation changes.

 

[kamya]

Yup. I was only really asking because this thread reminds me of the responses to this post from a little while back. Some of you seemed to be mightily upset.

https://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=3743&pid=840932#pid840932

Just add the responses in this thread onto that long list of reasons people might avoid dating single parents.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yup. I was only really asking because this thread reminds me of the responses to this post from a little while back. Some of you seemed to be mightily upset.

https://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=3743&pid=840932#pid840932

Just add the responses in this thread onto that long list of reasons people might avoid dating single parents.

Those responses, in the other thread.  Seems to me that the two single moms (maybe more, not sure) posting are saying they don't mind if someone dates them.  What I complained about what the stereotypical bullshit you spouted that is NOT true for most single mothers.  If that's what you want to believe, fine, go ahead, but I'll be damned, if I don't tell others it's NOT always that way.  Probably isn't even that way the majority of the time.

 

[kamya]

I just like that at least this time we got to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.