Happiness outside of relationships

[VeganAtheist]

I'm not truly happy alone either. There is too much silence when I come home and when I wake from sleeping and I currently only have my cats to be affectionate with. But I try to do whatever it takes to be as happy as possible even if it only means the difference between being totally miserable and being in general not happy but there are some happy moments. I don't want to burden anyone either. I don't think I would be. I'm pretty good about respecting another's need for space as I tend to need a certain amount of space too in a relationship or even in a friendship.

Way too much silence. I don't like being alone with my thoughts, which is the new norm.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope you find that special someone.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I am not sure what kind of lady you are looking for specifically but there are probably more out there than you would think. Humans aren't as unique as we think we are. We are all mostly alike, I think. That said, you may like a type of woman that is more difficult to find than average for various reasons. I hope you find that lady.

It's not really a type of lady, that's the thing. Some people just want someone who likes sports and fitness, or video games, or likes to travel, or is simply good-looking. With me, it's not that easy. They don't really follow a type, so it's hard to find another. They're just individuals that I've fallen hard for, that so happen to share several of my interests and desires. And whose looks excite me like no one else before or since. Usually there are types of looks that people fall into, and they don't fall into any. There just aren't other girls who look like they do. And in two out of three cases, they were the one to make first contact too. I felt like I was finally doing something right, if beautiful, fascinating women were actually seeking ME out, me, of all people. I'm not saying that it necessarily means anything when someone reaches out to you online, or that I am the greatest guy on Earth. At the same time though, they could have just as easily kept right on going, taking no notice of me and making no contact at all . But they did stop to reach out. And I could've done something.

I hope I find her too but I think I already have, three times. And three times, I missed the boat. More like, I saw the boat coming, but just stood there and let it pass. I hope I get a second chance but who knows when or if it will happen.

---

But I try to do whatever it takes to be as happy as possible even if it only means the difference between being totally miserable and being in general not happy but there are some happy moments.

That's how I feel too, exactly. I try to be as happy as possible, because it means the difference between being completely down and out and being generally unhappy but with a few happy moments here and there. I hope it turns around for us both. There's a lot that I am thankful for, don't get me wrong. But I just wish I could do better than this.

I think that we all have a hard time being happy with single life, because we're all tired of being single. We want a solution, but in being single, the problem goes on unsolved. And so with it, the sense of vague dissatisfaction.

 

[Jazzbird]

If you can't be happy without a relationship then I doubt you're truly happy when you're in one.No woman can cure your loneliness - let alone carry your burden.

What kind of effort are you putting in exactly? What are you doing? Do you go out of your comfort zone? You should.

If I were you I'd focus on friendships, not romantic relationships.That stuff happens on it's own, you don't need to focus on it, you don't need to be sad because you aren't in a relationship and you don't need to SEEK it.

All you have to do is get out of your comfort zone, expand a little.You'll see there are so many simple things you can do that will make you happy.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

People are always telling single people not to seek a relationship, it comes across as judgmental and it's not as if one can simply squash their desire for one. People feel less lonely when they connect with other people. Why does it matter so much whether they find this connection through friends, family or a romantic relationship?

I know from experience that being happy in a relationship does not equal loneliness. I was in a long term relationship before and during the years we were happy together loneliness did not even exist. This only changed when the relationship fell apart. Of course one should not base ALL energy in seeking a relationship when you can satisfy a need for connection through friendships on some level. If you put all your energy into one person you have to start from scratch if that person is one day no longer there for you. So definitely friends are very important. But I just don't believe in telling someone not to seek a relationship if that is what a person really wants. That just makes a person want it even more. It's kind of like telling someone you don't need to have sex. What do you think that person wants to do more than anything?

This quote came from an article I read on the internet and it describes exactly how I feel. And I won't reveal the name of the article because I don't want to seem weak or needy. People are so judging of those who feel this way, telling them they "have a problem."

"If it’s something we yearn for behind closed doors, and if it’s something we yearn for when we lie in the dark alone in our bed at night, trying to fall asleep, then it’s real. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!
It’s weak to pretend that what does naturally exist as a biological need in our bodies does NOT actually exist.
Honestly, how long can you pretend you don’t need to go to the toilet and deny yourself of that innate need?
Eventually, it all gets compressed and it has to be let out somehow. Your biological need to go to the toilet won’t wait until you find a restroom if you hold on for days on end."

 

[Jazzbird]

People are always telling single people not to seek a relationship, it comes across as judgmental and it's not as if one can simply squash their desire for one. People feel less lonely when they connect with other people. Why does it matter so much whether they find this connection through friends, family or a romantic relationship?

I know from experience that being happy in a relationship does not equal loneliness. I was in a long term relationship before and during the years we were happy together loneliness did not even exist. This only changed when the relationship fell apart. Of course one should not base ALL energy in seeking a relationship when you can satisfy a need for connection through friendships on some level. If you put all your energy into one person you have to start from scratch if that person is one day no longer there for you. So definitely friends are very important. But I just don't believe in telling someone not to seek a relationship if that is what a person really wants. That just makes a person want it even more. It's kind of like telling someone you don't need to have sex. What do you think that person wants to do more than anything?

You're totally right.But the best relationships happen when you least expect them.Right out of the blue.

They happen when you're taking care of yourself and your life and you are achieving things, big or small.They happen when you're fulfilled with yourself.

He's saying he can't be happy when he's not in a relationship.I don't think getting into another relationship is going to solve anything.I'm just saying there are a million ways to be happy, all you have to do is get out of your comfort zone and look around a little.

If he turns his attention to his hobbies, interests and friends it'll be much better for him and who knows? The right woman might just come along - things will be much better then.

You shouldn't depend on anyone to NOT feel lonely or to be happy.Relationships are temporary solutions.You need to find the root of the problem and kill it.

If you're happy, you're happy.With or without a partner.

 

[Ruthie]

I didn't always feel this way, but at this time in my life I completely agree with what Jazzbird has said.

Friendships are so awesome. There is no pressure, no loss of dignity from worrying that someone doesn't feel the same as you, or has lost romantic feelings for you (in other words a rejection). Also, there is no guilt! You are free to be you without worrying that you might be "cheating" on someone!

If a friendship does go bad, it's usually easier to recover from than a bad romantic relationship.

If a friendship is entered into with mutual respect, by 2 sensible people, even if the two people do drift apart from job, school or whatever, at least they part with no animosity as can often be the case with romantic relationships and the pressures they create.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

In my honest opinion..
You shouldn't need a romantic relationship to feel happy. I think maybe it's something you need to work on? Feeling happy by yourself?

I find happiness within small things. Writing, watching tv shows, making other people happy..

I am curious, though... Is finding happiness within other things so much different? With the exception of writing, you are still relying upon something/someone outside of yourself to obtain happiness.

Making other people happy was one of the reasons I had happiness within the romantic relationship. While I am certain I could find other means of making people happy, I haven't found another way that also provides me with a lasting happiness.

Many people say that happiness comes from within and that we don't need someone else to feel happy and fulfilled, but I feel the same way that you do. As over 90% of people get married or live with someone at some point in their lives, I would guess that a lot of people feel as we do as well. Somehow it is no longer the done thing to admit to feeling unhappy and lonely when you have noone to share your life with, but wanting to love and to be loved is a fundamental human need and trying to deny it only increases our pain.
To me you come across as perfectly normal and I think that many others feel the same way inside but are not as honest as you are in admitting to their feelings.

I remember watching a documentary about happiness, specifically a segment about happiness in regards to relationships. Humans are wired in such a way that relationships are near critical to their overall well being and longevity. Finding happiness within yourself, while noble, won't fix that fundamental human need. So I mostly agree with you. Most people need that person, I think.

What is the name of that documentary?

 

[VeganAtheist]

What is the name of that documentary?

You know, there were two documentaries I saw on the subject. One was a PBS documentary, I think. It had Dan Gilbert. My heart sank when he mentioned how detrimental loneliness was to your health. Tears fell.
The other one was on Netflix.

Sorry I couldn't have been of more help.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

What is the name of that documentary?

You know, there were two documentaries I saw on the subject. One was a PBS documentary, I think. It had Dan Gilbert. My heart sank when he mentioned how detrimental loneliness was to your health. Tears fell.
The other one was on Netflix.

Sorry I couldn't have been of more help.

If you can find out the name of them PM me. I would like to watch them.

 

[ardour]

You're totally right.But the best relationships happen when you least expect them.Right out of the blue.

They happen when you're taking care of yourself and your life and you are achieving things, big or small.They happen when you're fulfilled with yourself.

He's saying he can't be happy when he's not in a relationship.I don't think getting into another relationship is going to solve anything.I'm just saying there are a million ways to be happy, all you have to do is get out of your comfort zone and look around a little.

If he turns his attention to his hobbies, interests and friends it'll be much better for him and who knows? The right woman might just come along - things will be much better then.

You shouldn't depend on anyone to NOT feel lonely or to be happy.Relationships are temporary solutions.You need to find the root of the problem and kill it.

If you're happy, you're happy.With or without a partner.

This is the kind of thing single people hear all the time. Of course getting out of your comfort zone and having goals is a good thing in and of itself

But why should hobbies, career or friends be considered an adequate substitute for a long term relationship? As Alonewith2cats said, it sounds judgemental while vilifying lonely people as undesirable and/or unworthy... (so they better just shut up, stop annoying others and focus on something else instead.)

 

[Jazzbird]

You're totally right.But the best relationships happen when you least expect them.Right out of the blue.

They happen when you're taking care of yourself and your life and you are achieving things, big or small.They happen when you're fulfilled with yourself.

He's saying he can't be happy when he's not in a relationship.I don't think getting into another relationship is going to solve anything.I'm just saying there are a million ways to be happy, all you have to do is get out of your comfort zone and look around a little.

If he turns his attention to his hobbies, interests and friends it'll be much better for him and who knows? The right woman might just come along - things will be much better then.

You shouldn't depend on anyone to NOT feel lonely or to be happy.Relationships are temporary solutions.You need to find the root of the problem and kill it.

If you're happy, you're happy.With or without a partner.

This is the kind of thing single people hear all the time. Of course getting out of your comfort zone and having goals is a good thing in and of itself

But why should hobbies, career or friends be considered an adequate substitute for a long term relationship? As Alonewith2cats said, it sounds judgemental while vilifying lonely people as undesirable and/or unworthy... (so they better just shut up, stop annoying others and focus on something else instead.)

They shouldn't be.That wasn't the point in the first place.He can and should have a relationship because if it works it's one of the best things in the world.But there are other ways - other things he can do/have to be happy and he should also discover them.

I've been lonely for 11 years.Severe social anxiety.Relationships are an impossibility but I always find a way to keep me busy and happy.If not I'd have killed myself long ago.

I'm not judging him.I'm just saying he shouldn't depend on a romantic relationship at all.No one should.As alonewith2cats also said, if you put all your energy into one thing and it goes wrong, you have to start from scratch.You need to have something to fall back on.You can't base your entire life on romantic relationships, that's unhealthy too.

 

[Ymir]

It doesn't sound judgemental at all. It is HEALTHY to have other stuff going on so if you don't have a partner, you can live with yourself and enjoy your life anyway. You can be alone, as in without a romantic partner, and not feel lonely. You can and should have a fulfilling life outside of a relationship and be your own person. A romantic relationship shouldn't be the sole reason for happiness in one's life: it should only be a slice of the pie. No one's saying it "substitutes" as much as they are saying to find happiness in other stuff too because it's a tad (tad being an understatement) healthier.

What on Earth is judgemental and villifying about this, I would not know. And this is coming from a single person, who's about tired of the idea that only romantic love can bring happiness. This idea shouldn't be normalized as it is.

 

[ardour]

They shouldn't be.That wasn't the point in the first place.He can and should have a relationship because if it works it's one of the best things in the world.But there are other ways - other things he can do/have to be happy and he should also discover them.

I've been lonely for 11 years.Severe social anxiety.Relationships are an impossibility but I always find a way to keep me busy and happy.If not I'd have killed myself long ago.

I'm not judging him.I'm just saying he shouldn't depend on a romantic relationship at all.No one should.As alonewith2cats also said, if you put all your energy into one thing and it goes wrong, you have to start from scratch.You need to have something to fall back on.You can't base your entire life on romantic relationships, that's unhealthy too.

I'm single and also lack the requisite personal skills. But for people who can function in relationships the longing for that would be normal, not indicative of an empty life devoid of interests and direction (I realize you probably weren't arguing that extreme.) If it weren't normal most people would stay single, trusting someone involves risk after all.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

They shouldn't be.That wasn't the point in the first place.He can and should have a relationship because if it works it's one of the best things in the world.But there are other ways - other things he can do/have to be happy and he should also discover them.

I've been lonely for 11 years.Severe social anxiety.Relationships are an impossibility but I always find a way to keep me busy and happy.If not I'd have killed myself long ago.

I'm not judging him.I'm just saying he shouldn't depend on a romantic relationship at all.No one should.As alonewith2cats also said, if you put all your energy into one thing and it goes wrong, you have to start from scratch.You need to have something to fall back on.You can't base your entire life on romantic relationships, that's unhealthy too.

I'm single and also lack the requisite personal skills. But for people who can function in relationships the longing for that would be normal, not indicative of an empty life devoid of interests and direction (I realize you probably weren't arguing that extreme.) If it weren't normal most people would stay single, trusting someone involves risk after all.

I have to agree. I don't like to be judged for having this longing. But this is likely to happen so I'm better off keeping it a secret.

There is no such thing as safe love. You can only have safe sex. So people are willing to live dangerously with their emotions in order to have this level of connection with someone. And if you're really brave you'll risk being emotionally hurt over and over again and it will happen. And if you still persevere and then it must be worth it.

---

You're totally right.But the best relationships happen when you least expect them.Right out of the blue.

They happen when you're taking care of yourself and your life and you are achieving things, big or small.They happen when you're fulfilled with yourself.

He's saying he can't be happy when he's not in a relationship.I don't think getting into another relationship is going to solve anything.I'm just saying there are a million ways to be happy, all you have to do is get out of your comfort zone and look around a little.

If he turns his attention to his hobbies, interests and friends it'll be much better for him and who knows? The right woman might just come along - things will be much better then.

You shouldn't depend on anyone to NOT feel lonely or to be happy.Relationships are temporary solutions.You need to find the root of the problem and kill it.

If you're happy, you're happy.With or without a partner.

This is the kind of thing single people hear all the time. Of course getting out of your comfort zone and having goals is a good thing in and of itself

But why should hobbies, career or friends be considered an adequate substitute for a long term relationship? As Alonewith2cats said, it sounds judgemental while vilifying lonely people as undesirable and/or unworthy... (so they better just shut up, stop annoying others and focus on something else instead.)

They shouldn't be.That wasn't the point in the first place.He can and should have a relationship because if it works it's one of the best things in the world.But there are other ways - other things he can do/have to be happy and he should also discover them.

I've been lonely for 11 years.Severe social anxiety.Relationships are an impossibility but I always find a way to keep me busy and happy.If not I'd have killed myself long ago.

I'm not judging him.I'm just saying he shouldn't depend on a romantic relationship at all.No one should.As alonewith2cats also said, if you put all your energy into one thing and it goes wrong, you have to start from scratch.You need to have something to fall back on.You can't base your entire life on romantic relationships, that's unhealthy too.

I also understand your point too. And I know you're not judging him but trying to help him be happy in the meantime while he doesn't have a relationship.

So I'm thinking that there has to be a happy medium between it being normal to desire a relationship and it's not o.k. to be miserable if you don't have one. You're allowed to have this longing, you can't fight it, but if it makes you feel sad then try to get your mind off it by doing things that make you happy. This is why I said try to be as happy as possible because it's realistic. I know that I'm not going to be the happiest person in the world staying single because to be honest it's lonely as hell for me and to make matters worse most of my family does not live in the same city as me and I don't feel my girl friends are enough for me but I'm still grateful for them. Perhaps if I had more of a bond with my family if I could see them more often my desire for a relationship wouldn't be as intense. But I can certainly find ways to improve my state of mind and I'm trying all the time. But yesterday I felt pretty lonely and sad coming home from work again and while eating dinner in a restaurant at a table for one and seeing lots of couples everywhere. It's always a battle between me and my emotions. Oh well, good salad.

 

[Rosewood]

I haven't been a relationship by choice for a long time. Decided to try this internet stuff. It has some advantages and disadvantages.

I am happy alone, but there are moments when I just know that forever alone is not what I want and feels scary sometimes thinking I might be.

I know I l look nice, (for 48) am smart, funny blah blah blah and all. I don't have to have validation, i just want a little deeper richer fuller life.
Simple right? Huh? It is so not simple.

 

[Gravely]

Some people are just built to fit around other people. They need those holes in their hearts filled so badly that they'll just shove corks or rolls of quarters in, symbolizing people that aren't right for them, but that's how bad they need it. But changing that for them is a change to their very foundation, and all of it could topple over if any sudden movements are made.

Me? I'm the opposite. I hate most people, I hate relationships, and I hate how people alter themselves in them. I am most comfortable walking alone.

 

[Peaches]

Some people are just built to fit around other people. They need those holes in their hearts filled so badly that they'll just shove corks or rolls of quarters in, symbolizing people that aren't right for them, but that's how bad they need it.

for a moment I visualized rolls of toilet paper…

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Here is my take on it. People can tell you so many things. They can tell you "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy." "You don't need a woman or a man to make your life complete" "You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone" "It happens when you stop looking (in other words forget about it). To me it all sounds like a bunch of blah blah blah (no offense to those who say it because they mean well) that needs to be said to people who are very young, in their 20s, in college, and have their whole lives ahead of them and need to instead focus on their goals. And when people say it to me to be honest it goes through one ear and out the other.

What I think is you have to be honest with yourself. You have only one life to live. What do you want? No one knows you or understands you better than you know and understand yourself. If you want to share your life and another's life with someone you love then you have the right to seek it. I am honest with myself and this is what I have to say to anyone who gives me the common speech dished out to singles, and I understand people mean well, they're only trying to help. Yes, I know there is nothing wrong with being single. Yes, I know I have to make myself happy and can't depend on someone else entirely to make me happy. I wouldn't be like this in a relationship anyway, like anyone, I have my needs for cuddles and my needs for space. I'm 40 years old. I don't need to hear it, it sounds like preaching to me (again no offense to those who mean well and are only trying to help). But it is also my right to choose not to accept my single status as a permanent life-long condition. It is my right to be honest with myself and acknowledge that living alone with just my 2 cats in my condo with no other human being, just me alone, with only TV, radio and internet to fight the quietness as a permanent lifestyle is not going to be enough for me. It is only o.k. for now, for temporary, not forever. And if I have a longing to touch another human being, if I long for affectionate human contact with another human being of the opposite gender which includes a physical and emotional relationship then this is not a desire I'm going to be able to squash. Yes, I can certainly delay gratification by focusing on other things outside of a romantic relationship that can bring me joy, spending time with girl friends, interests, hobbies, things I like to do, time with family when I am able to see them and so forth. But can I squash my desire for a romantic relationship? Can I banish it from my life for good? Absolutely not. Maybe when people are dishing out the "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy" advice they're really saying "delay gratification, don't obsess over it." They're not actually expecting you to accept being single as a permanent state of being and that you must be forever content with this state as if nothing in your life is missing unless of course you really feel this way. I know it would be unrealistic for me.

 

[ardour]

I'm 40 years old. I don't need to hear it, it sounds like preaching to me (again no offense to those who mean well and are only trying to help). But it is also my right to choose not to accept my single status as a permanent life-long condition. It is my right to be honest with myself and acknowledge that living alone with just my 2 cats in my condo with no other human being, just me alone, with only TV, radio and internet to fight the quietness as a permanent lifestyle is not going to be enough for me. It is only o.k. for now, for temporary, not forever. And if I have a longing to touch another human being, if I long for affectionate human contact with another human being of the opposite gender which includes a physical and emotional relationship then this is not a desire I'm going to be able to squash. Yes, I can certainly delay gratification by focusing on other things outside of a romantic relationship that can bring me joy, spending time with girl friends, interests, hobbies, things I like to do, time with family when I am able to see them and so forth. But can I squash my desire for a romantic relationship? Can I banish it from my life for good? Absolutely not. Maybe when people are dishing out the "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy" advice they're really saying "delay gratification, don't obsess over it." They're not actually expecting you to accept being single as a permanent state of being and that you must be forever content with this state as if nothing in your life is missing unless of course you really feel this way. I know it would be unrealistic for me.

You might not have a choice, unless you're willing to end up with some abusive *******. Maybe people say those annoying things to cushion the blow so to speak, to help us accept what might be the reality. By all means do what you can to find someone compatible, but if you're still alone at 50 and you've made this an absolute necessity for happiness, what then?

I'm not much younger, I'll never know what it's like to put my arms around a woman I adore, someone who returns those feelings. Never - not unless I look for someone who's mentally unstable and has issues, and of course I'd rather be single than that.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I'm 40 years old. I don't need to hear it, it sounds like preaching to me (again no offense to those who mean well and are only trying to help). But it is also my right to choose not to accept my single status as a permanent life-long condition. It is my right to be honest with myself and acknowledge that living alone with just my 2 cats in my condo with no other human being, just me alone, with only TV, radio and internet to fight the quietness as a permanent lifestyle is not going to be enough for me. It is only o.k. for now, for temporary, not forever. And if I have a longing to touch another human being, if I long for affectionate human contact with another human being of the opposite gender which includes a physical and emotional relationship then this is not a desire I'm going to be able to squash. Yes, I can certainly delay gratification by focusing on other things outside of a romantic relationship that can bring me joy, spending time with girl friends, interests, hobbies, things I like to do, time with family when I am able to see them and so forth. But can I squash my desire for a romantic relationship? Can I banish it from my life for good? Absolutely not. Maybe when people are dishing out the "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy" advice they're really saying "delay gratification, don't obsess over it." They're not actually expecting you to accept being single as a permanent state of being and that you must be forever content with this state as if nothing in your life is missing unless of course you really feel this way. I know it would be unrealistic for me.

You might not have a choice, unless you're willing to end up with some abusive *******. Maybe people say those annoying things to cushion the blow so to speak, to help us accept what might be the reality. By all means do what you can to find someone compatible, but if you're still alone at 50 and you've made this an absolute necessity for happiness, what then?

I'm not much younger, I'll never know what it's like to put my arms around a woman I adore, someone who returns those feelings. Never - not unless I look for someone who's mentally unstable and has issues, and of course I'd rather be single than that.

I don't think it ends at 50. If I truly don't have a choice I'll cross that bridge when and if I get to it. Until then I don't believe I have to accept either a plan to spend the rest of my life alone or end up with an abusive *******.