Happiness outside of relationships

[Ymir]

Here is my take on it. People can tell you so many things. They can tell you "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy." "You don't need a woman or a man to make your life complete" "You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone" "It happens when you stop looking (in other words forget about it). To me it all sounds like a bunch of blah blah blah (no offense to those who say it because they mean well) that needs to be said to people who are very young, in their 20s, in college, and have their whole lives ahead of them and need to instead focus on their goals. And when people say it to me to be honest it goes through one ear and out the other.

What I think is you have to be honest with yourself. You have only one life to live. What do you want? No one knows you or understands you better than you know and understand yourself. If you want to share your life and another's life with someone you love then you have the right to seek it. I am honest with myself and this is what I have to say to anyone who gives me the common speech dished out to singles, and I understand people mean well, they're only trying to help. Yes, I know there is nothing wrong with being single. Yes, I know I have to make myself happy and can't depend on someone else entirely to make me happy. I wouldn't be like this in a relationship anyway, like anyone, I have my needs for cuddles and my needs for space. I'm 40 years old. I don't need to hear it, it sounds like preaching to me (again no offense to those who mean well and are only trying to help). But it is also my right to choose not to accept my single status as a permanent life-long condition. It is my right to be honest with myself and acknowledge that living alone with just my 2 cats in my condo with no other human being, just me alone, with only TV, radio and internet to fight the quietness as a permanent lifestyle is not going to be enough for me. It is only o.k. for now, for temporary, not forever. And if I have a longing to touch another human being, if I long for affectionate human contact with another human being of the opposite gender which includes a physical and emotional relationship then this is not a desire I'm going to be able to squash. Yes, I can certainly delay gratification by focusing on other things outside of a romantic relationship that can bring me joy, spending time with girl friends, interests, hobbies, things I like to do, time with family when I am able to see them and so forth. But can I squash my desire for a romantic relationship? Can I banish it from my life for good? Absolutely not. Maybe when people are dishing out the "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy" advice they're really saying "delay gratification, don't obsess over it." They're not actually expecting you to accept being single as a permanent state of being and that you must be forever content with this state as if nothing in your life is missing unless of course you really feel this way. I know it would be unrealistic for me.

You are defending yourself against something no one said.

No one said OP (or anyone) shouldn't look for a relationship or never want a relationship at all or be completely content with being single forever, but it's just a slice of the pizza of life really, and not even the most important one. No one can rely solely on a romantic relationship to be happy: not only you agree with this, but also doesn't mean that one shouldn't be happier if such relationship comes around.

It IS quite disfunctional not being able to manage being happy at all outside of a relationship, that's all everyone has been saying.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Here is my take on it. People can tell you so many things. They can tell you "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy." "You don't need a woman or a man to make your life complete" "You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone" "It happens when you stop looking (in other words forget about it). To me it all sounds like a bunch of blah blah blah (no offense to those who say it because they mean well) that needs to be said to people who are very young, in their 20s, in college, and have their whole lives ahead of them and need to instead focus on their goals. And when people say it to me to be honest it goes through one ear and out the other.

What I think is you have to be honest with yourself. You have only one life to live. What do you want? No one knows you or understands you better than you know and understand yourself. If you want to share your life and another's life with someone you love then you have the right to seek it. I am honest with myself and this is what I have to say to anyone who gives me the common speech dished out to singles, and I understand people mean well, they're only trying to help. Yes, I know there is nothing wrong with being single. Yes, I know I have to make myself happy and can't depend on someone else entirely to make me happy. I wouldn't be like this in a relationship anyway, like anyone, I have my needs for cuddles and my needs for space. I'm 40 years old. I don't need to hear it, it sounds like preaching to me (again no offense to those who mean well and are only trying to help). But it is also my right to choose not to accept my single status as a permanent life-long condition. It is my right to be honest with myself and acknowledge that living alone with just my 2 cats in my condo with no other human being, just me alone, with only TV, radio and internet to fight the quietness as a permanent lifestyle is not going to be enough for me. It is only o.k. for now, for temporary, not forever. And if I have a longing to touch another human being, if I long for affectionate human contact with another human being of the opposite gender which includes a physical and emotional relationship then this is not a desire I'm going to be able to squash. Yes, I can certainly delay gratification by focusing on other things outside of a romantic relationship that can bring me joy, spending time with girl friends, interests, hobbies, things I like to do, time with family when I am able to see them and so forth. But can I squash my desire for a romantic relationship? Can I banish it from my life for good? Absolutely not. Maybe when people are dishing out the "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy" advice they're really saying "delay gratification, don't obsess over it." They're not actually expecting you to accept being single as a permanent state of being and that you must be forever content with this state as if nothing in your life is missing unless of course you really feel this way. I know it would be unrealistic for me.

You are defending yourself against something no one said.

No one said OP (or anyone) shouldn't look for a relationship or never want a relationship at all or be completely content with being single forever, but it's just a slice of the pizza of life really, and not even the most important one. No one can rely solely on a romantic relationship to be happy: not only you agree with this, but also doesn't mean that one shouldn't be happier if such relationship comes around.

It IS quite disfunctional not being able to manage being happy at all outside of a relationship, that's all everyone has been saying.

It's more than one slice of pizza for me. It's a few, maybe even a third of the pizza. I'm not saying one shouldn't seek happiness outside of a relationship, and of course I'm always trying to find other ways to be happy all the time because I have to, but as far as how important it is to be in a relationship, that's up to the individual, if it's important to me, then it is. No one is going to minimize it for me. Not possible.

 

[Peaches]

half a pizza!!

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't particularly want to be miserable. I have been single all my life (apart from a few days).
I am used to it. A lot of good things about been single.

 

[Limlim]

God Dammit now I want pizza

 

[Ymir]

God Dammit now I want pizza

Good, that was my objective

 

[jjessea]

I think that human beings are biologically designed to have and make long lasting, intimate relationships. I believe that's how we are wired. That being said I think that all of us could find happiness on our own. It just takes time to figure out what you need to be happy and how to go about getting it, and it's just a little different for every person. Many people who have discovered what they need live healthy and happy lives as single people. My mother is a good example, I unfortunately am not. However, dig down deep inside those people and I'd wager that you'd find something missing, and that something is another person to share that happiness with.

Being lost and miserable without a relationship may simply mean that you haven't figured out how to be happy as a single person, and that just may take time. You're also probably reeling over the loss, especially if it's recent.

Figure out what makes you happy on your own, then try and find someone to share it with.

I wish I could take my own advice......

---

It IS quite disfunctional not being able to manage being happy at all outside of a relationship

I don't think it's disfunctional, I think it's understandable. It may be unhealthy, but I don't think it's a sign of a major emotional or personal deficit. That may not be what you meant by that but that's how it seemed to me.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I think that human beings are biologically designed to have and make long lasting, intimate relationships. I believe that's how we are wired. That being said I think that all of us could find happiness on our own. It just takes time to figure out what you need to be happy and how to go about getting it, and it's just a little different for every person. Many people who have discovered what they need live healthy and happy lives as single people. My mother is a good example, I unfortunately am not. However, dig down deep inside those people and I'd wager that you'd find something was missing, and that something is another person to share that happiness with.

Being lost and miserable without a relationship may simply mean that you haven't figured out how to happy as a single person, and that just may take time. You're also probably reeling over the loss, especially if it's recent.

Figure out what makes you happy on your own, then try and find someone to share it with.

I wish I could take my own advice......

---

It IS quite disfunctional not being able to manage being happy at all outside of a relationship

I don't think it's disfunctional, I think it's understandable. It may be unhealthy, but I don't think it's a sign of a major emotional or personal deficit. That may not be what you meant by that but that's how it seemed to me.

---

You're very understanding. Yes, as Ymir pointed out you can get love through friends and family but for people who don't have the strongest bond with their family and friends this longing for an intimate relationship becomes much more intense. And there is also that basic human need for affection and I also agree with you that we are biologically wired to want and perhaps even need intimate, lasting relationships, with the opposite sex or whatever you're gender preference is. I can't speak for everyone but for me, I live alone, most of my family lives pretty far away, I'm in San Diego and I have some of my family living in Eureka and a lot of family members in Germany. My Dad who lives in San Diego certainly cares about me and I know he would like me to call him more often and I know I should, but I do not feel as if I can tell him anything, I keep secrets from him. I have a couple of girl friends. One friend, although I appreciate the fact that we're friends we have a personality difference between us that makes us not the best match. Occasionally when she calls me and she calls me a lot, I don't answer my phone because I require a certain amount of space from her. She can be quite intense. My other friend, much more balanced friendship and we get together every now and then, we don't call each other too often. I'm very lonely. I'm trying to expand my social network but it's not a quick process.

Affection, particularly physical affection is something I have a strong craving for because I'm not getting it. A hug is a rare luxury for me, I'm lucky to get one quick one every few months maybe and I only have my cats to cuddle with. In a romantic relationship the amount of physical affection you get to give and receive is high. Hugs, kisses, cuddling, hand holding and the rest of the fun stuff. It's hard to want it so much and not have access to it and I can't seem to squash this longing no matter what I do. Numerous studies have demonstrated the effects of oxytocin (a hormone that makes us feel good when we're close to someone) on our physical and emotional well being. So regardless of how much this may make me seem needy to someone and believe me I try my **** hardest to be the opposite of needy, I simply can't help the way I feel.

 

[ardour]

^^ yeah I think that people who say you should be happy alone might be trying to deal with being alone (trying to convince themselves.)

That's fine if you really are satisfied with a single life, but that doesn't mean anyone who isn't must be inadequate.

 

[Ymir]

No one here is saying people should be 100% satisfied with a single life, though. Just at least not actively miserable and unable to cope with life. No one is saying "you shouldn't crave romantic relationships ever" or that you shouldn't be happier if those come around, and sadder if they go away, either. It's perfectly natural. But there's a point in which those up and downs, the downs especially, are harmful, and harmful behaviors are not okay, regardless of how common and normalized the root might seem. Some need more human contact, some people need less, some people like me need none at all, but all of them should learn how to cope healthily with the lack of it.

People being "wired to have intimate, lasting relationships" is a debatable point in the psychological fields, and I strongly disagree that people who are happy being alone must have something missing or are "trying to convince themselves". I am perfectly happy on my own and close relationships only seem to bring me down even further, I've grown to notice. Comments like this used to bring me down to the point of self-harm and I was pretty unhappy trying to force myself to bond with people, when in fact, I'm just not made for it. My own behavior was pretty unhealthy for a while, but I've learned how to cope with the need of keeping close relationship with my parents and superficial ones with my classmates. I still have my own intelectual (and yep sexual) needs which brings me to pursue relationships with people, but 200% of the cases, I can't deal with the intimacy regardless of how much I think I like the person.

We just shouldn't feed behaviors that are harmful to ourselves and makes us miserable. We should learn how to cope with them and be as happy and healthy as possible. That is all.

 

[ardour]

No one here is saying people should be 100% satisfied with a single life, though. Just at least not actively miserable and unable to cope with life. No one is saying "you shouldn't crave romantic relationships ever" or that you shouldn't be happier if those come around, and sadder if they go away, either. It's perfectly natural. But there's a point in which those up and downs, the downs especially, are harmful, and harmful behaviors are not okay, regardless of how common and normalized the root might seem. Some need more human contact, some people need less, some people like me need none at all, but all of them should learn how to cope healthily with the lack of it.

People being "wired to have intimate, lasting relationships" is a debatable point in the psychological fields, and I strongly disagree that people who are happy being alone must have something missing or are "trying to convince themselves". I am perfectly happy on my own and close relationships only seem to bring me down even further, I've grown to notice. Comments like this used to bring me down to the point of self-harm and I was pretty unhappy trying to force myself to bond with people, when in fact, I'm just not made for it. My own behavior was pretty unhealthy for a while, but I've learned how to cope with the need of keeping close relationship with my parents and superficial ones with my classmates.

We just shouldn't feed behaviors that are harmful to ourselves and makes us miserable. We should learn how to cope with them and be as happy and healthy as possible. That is all.

According to your profile you're 17. What would you know about spending large periods of adult life alone? IMO you need to live another decade before forming an opinion on that one. I don't need to delude myself in order to deal with remaining single for life. I can deal with it, find a modicum of happiness in other things without ignoring the reality of what it is.

 

[Ymir]

I am the opposite of depressed about the fact of being single, trust me. Nowhere in my post I said it was easy being alone as an adult, nor did I ever comment on it, so your point is...?

I'll stop here, though. I don't want to get into heated discussions. I've made my point pretty clear already, and while I'd gladly discuss it further, I'd like to discuss with people who can argue against things I'm actually saying.

 

[jjessea]

Just because she's 17 doesn't mean she can't have an opinion on the subject. Granted, a lifetime alone does tend to change your perspective. Ymir, you should take that into consideration when someone older says that they're unhappy alone, because no matter who you are, dying alone is sad.

 

[ardour]

yes I jumped the gun there. Reread your post and edited mine...

point? That you're offering thoughts and advice to adults on that very thing, defining what a healthy mindset is without having much life experience.

 

[jjessea]

Still though, I don't think we should be criticizing someone for expressing themselves because of their age. I was thinking the same thing when I read her post too, but I held off from expressing it. A lot of young people seem to come here and they shouldn't feel that they're posts are going to be scrutinized because of their age and lack of life experience. That's just my opinion

 

[Rainbows]

sigh
again?

 

[jjessea]

I take it this has come up before, if so ignore then ignore me.

 

[VeganAtheist]

I am enjoying the discussion and appreciate everyone who has participated. I will be reading the future comments but don't have much else to add.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Just because she's 17 doesn't mean she can't have an opinion on the subject. Granted, a lifetime alone does tend to change your perspective. Ymir, you should take that into consideration when someone older says that they're unhappy alone, because no matter who you are, dying alone is sad.

Another thing that can change a person's perspective is the fear of a lifetime alone and/or dying alone. At age 40 I am well aware of the fact that half my life has been lived and how I'm going to live the rest of it matters a lot to me and I think about it all the time. I don't want the second half of my life to be lonely. I understand however that connecting with my own species is not exclusive to finding someone I want to marry or even just having a romantic love relationship. Yes, I want these things very much and I'm not giving up, not in my 40s, 50s or even my 60s if it takes that long.

In the meantime I value friendship very much and I think pursuing friendships is the place to start in finding connection because the flexibility of friendship brings so much meaning in life regardless of whether or not your status is single. Think about it. You can have friendships in addition to a boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, husband or wife or you can have friendships instead of in case romantic love never crosses your path. Your lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife can be your best friend and there is also the possibility of a friend turning into a lover when you least expect it. And isn't it easier to approach and start talking to someone as if you're getting to know a new friend than it is if you're thinking about whether or not the person is your potential boyfriend or girlfriend? Better to remove the pressure and eliminate the unnecessary nervousness. And you really can't have love without friendship anyway so I think the very first place to start, square one, is pursuing friendships and then letting love and romance find you and if it doesn't happen at least you have your friends. And you're going to need them throughout your life and as you age and they're going to need you. And by all means date with the understanding that if anything meaningful is going to blossom with your date there has to be a friendship. Of course you won't end up being friends with all your dates but you can act as if even if only temporary to make great dates.

I like to think of these kinds of ships like boats, friend-ships, relation-ships, they take you places but you don't know where you'll end up but that's the exciting part isn't it?

And how do you start making friends? By making acquaintances first. Make acquaintances and friends with both men and women because friendship has value regardless of gender and you can meet more people through friends. The secret really is in the social network.

Wow! I just gave myself advice. I should take it. Hope it helps someone else too. But it's not easy to put it into action. Making friends is not a quick and easy process. Social skills constantly require practice and improvement. And perhaps this is why so many of us are lonely because of this difficult challenge. I know it's true for me.