SocialRonin
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- Feb 12, 2015
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It's completely silly. A fantasy. I know this, but still I am lost in it. Love at first sight doesn't exist. It's a delusion we feed ourselves when trying to fill a hopeless void. I tell myself this over and over again, but still... I'm haunted.
I saw her for the first time almost two years ago. We work at the same place, in different departments. I worked in a bunker, watching security camera feeds. I hated the job. Relating to the world through cameras exasperated my loneliness. I missed being out there, talking to people, which used to be part of my job, even though I rarely did anything with it. Still, there was always hope when you interact with people.
Still I got out of the bunker on occasion, on breaks, and I'd go outside as much as I could. The first time I got a good look at her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. One day I stepped out of the bunker, and she was there. I said "Hello". She said "Hello" back. There was something about the way she said it... I thought there was a spark... but I have no accurate gauge for that sort of thing, being a lifelong loner longing for any sort of connection, I tend to grasp at straws. She was with someone, so I kept moving, (though even if she wasn't, that's probably what I would have done).
One day I'm walking back to the bunker, and she is ahead, in my way. I'm walking ahead, and she looks at me. We stare at each other. Finally I stop, because she's in my way, and we're just looking at each other. She's with someone, so it's not really a good time to start a conversation, or at least that's my excuse, so I simply say "excuse me" and she steps aside.
At this point, I'm haunted. I also changed jobs, so I'm no longer in the bunker, but in a completely different building, on a different shift, so I don't see her anymore. I was happy to change jobs, but my one regret was that I wouldn't see her anymore. As a last ditch effort, I asked a friend of mine to ask her if she'd be interested in collaborating on a project, saying she had the right "look". I didn't follow up on the query though.
One day I'm walking to work from the train station, and I see her ahead. I'm wearing headphones. She smiles and I see her mouth move "hello". I smile and say "hello" back. This is where all my excuse making fails me. I guess my excuse then was I was wearing headphones and not in the moment. But we passed each other without me saying anything more. The moment has haunted me since.
But I'd still see her, in the window of her office. I'd pass it when walking to work. Even though I don't work in that building I had security access, and could walk in to see HR, etc. I thought, maybe I can walk in and introduce myself, even though I had no business being there. I even walked in the building a couple of times, and ended up with crippling anxiety. My palms sweat. And I walked out without saying anything.
I call my friend, the one who I had ask if her if she could collaborate on a project, to ask her advice. I told her for the first time the real motivation behind my request... she told me that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go in and talk to this woman because she had been introduced to her boyfriend. It was a long distance relationship (he lived in another state). She had spoken with him and told me a bit about him. He sounded like a great guy. Honestly it fit my fantasy of this woman that she would be with a guy like this. But for a bit, I was devastated, then I moved on.
I didn't think of her much for a while. And I no longer had to take the train and walk past her office because construction on a new building was finishing up, and I was able to park my car by the building I worked in again. The new building? It was where everyone in the old building was moving. The old building I would pass on my way from the train station. And sure enough, in the new building, there she was, next to the window again, only now I can see her AT work, instead of on my way to work. There was a bit of melancholy associated with that, but I forgot about it.
Until a couple of weeks ago. I'd quickly recovered from some minor heartbreak over a woman who seemed to be interested in me only to never return my calls. I was driving into work and saw her sitting on a bench, talking to someone. She was facing away from me, then turned in my direction. I was driving, and her gaze followed me, so she was clearly looking at me. And with that, I became haunted again.
Honestly I know how silly and fleeting this all seems. Maybe she was looking at me because I was looking at her. But when you live with loneliness, you latch on to these things. I lose myself in fantasy, and sometimes I lose myself so deep that for a minute, it feels like the void has been filled. But then there's that moment of realization, when I know it's not real, that my fantasy has likely no basis in reality, and that feeling is awful. Now like a drug addict I seem to bounce between this awful feeling and returning to the fantasy for empty fulfillment.
Nevertheless, I have resolved to see this through. I've found out that once a month, there is an event she runs, and I'm going to the next one. I don't know if I'll see her, or if she'll be too busy to talk, but I'm going, and will talk to her properly if I have a chance. Still, I know I have to approach this without expectation, without trying to make reality match fantasy... chances are this will not turn out to be what I hope. But finding that out for certain, maybe I can finally move on. But yeah, I still cling to the sliver of hope that there may be something there.
I saw her for the first time almost two years ago. We work at the same place, in different departments. I worked in a bunker, watching security camera feeds. I hated the job. Relating to the world through cameras exasperated my loneliness. I missed being out there, talking to people, which used to be part of my job, even though I rarely did anything with it. Still, there was always hope when you interact with people.
Still I got out of the bunker on occasion, on breaks, and I'd go outside as much as I could. The first time I got a good look at her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. One day I stepped out of the bunker, and she was there. I said "Hello". She said "Hello" back. There was something about the way she said it... I thought there was a spark... but I have no accurate gauge for that sort of thing, being a lifelong loner longing for any sort of connection, I tend to grasp at straws. She was with someone, so I kept moving, (though even if she wasn't, that's probably what I would have done).
One day I'm walking back to the bunker, and she is ahead, in my way. I'm walking ahead, and she looks at me. We stare at each other. Finally I stop, because she's in my way, and we're just looking at each other. She's with someone, so it's not really a good time to start a conversation, or at least that's my excuse, so I simply say "excuse me" and she steps aside.
At this point, I'm haunted. I also changed jobs, so I'm no longer in the bunker, but in a completely different building, on a different shift, so I don't see her anymore. I was happy to change jobs, but my one regret was that I wouldn't see her anymore. As a last ditch effort, I asked a friend of mine to ask her if she'd be interested in collaborating on a project, saying she had the right "look". I didn't follow up on the query though.
One day I'm walking to work from the train station, and I see her ahead. I'm wearing headphones. She smiles and I see her mouth move "hello". I smile and say "hello" back. This is where all my excuse making fails me. I guess my excuse then was I was wearing headphones and not in the moment. But we passed each other without me saying anything more. The moment has haunted me since.
But I'd still see her, in the window of her office. I'd pass it when walking to work. Even though I don't work in that building I had security access, and could walk in to see HR, etc. I thought, maybe I can walk in and introduce myself, even though I had no business being there. I even walked in the building a couple of times, and ended up with crippling anxiety. My palms sweat. And I walked out without saying anything.
I call my friend, the one who I had ask if her if she could collaborate on a project, to ask her advice. I told her for the first time the real motivation behind my request... she told me that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go in and talk to this woman because she had been introduced to her boyfriend. It was a long distance relationship (he lived in another state). She had spoken with him and told me a bit about him. He sounded like a great guy. Honestly it fit my fantasy of this woman that she would be with a guy like this. But for a bit, I was devastated, then I moved on.
I didn't think of her much for a while. And I no longer had to take the train and walk past her office because construction on a new building was finishing up, and I was able to park my car by the building I worked in again. The new building? It was where everyone in the old building was moving. The old building I would pass on my way from the train station. And sure enough, in the new building, there she was, next to the window again, only now I can see her AT work, instead of on my way to work. There was a bit of melancholy associated with that, but I forgot about it.
Until a couple of weeks ago. I'd quickly recovered from some minor heartbreak over a woman who seemed to be interested in me only to never return my calls. I was driving into work and saw her sitting on a bench, talking to someone. She was facing away from me, then turned in my direction. I was driving, and her gaze followed me, so she was clearly looking at me. And with that, I became haunted again.
Honestly I know how silly and fleeting this all seems. Maybe she was looking at me because I was looking at her. But when you live with loneliness, you latch on to these things. I lose myself in fantasy, and sometimes I lose myself so deep that for a minute, it feels like the void has been filled. But then there's that moment of realization, when I know it's not real, that my fantasy has likely no basis in reality, and that feeling is awful. Now like a drug addict I seem to bounce between this awful feeling and returning to the fantasy for empty fulfillment.
Nevertheless, I have resolved to see this through. I've found out that once a month, there is an event she runs, and I'm going to the next one. I don't know if I'll see her, or if she'll be too busy to talk, but I'm going, and will talk to her properly if I have a chance. Still, I know I have to approach this without expectation, without trying to make reality match fantasy... chances are this will not turn out to be what I hope. But finding that out for certain, maybe I can finally move on. But yeah, I still cling to the sliver of hope that there may be something there.
