Headed down a familiar path

[TooMuchAnxiety]

Hey all, new member here. I guess I'll start with a little background...I've had panic attacks when it comes to dating since college. For a long time I just ignored it and chose not to date, but once I turned 30 a coworker set me up with a woman. She was understanding and it worked out for a while, but eventually she couldn't deal with the panic attacks and decided to call it quits.

It was after that that I sought professional help. I went to a counselor and she suggested I see a psychiatrist. I have since "graduated" from counseling but continue to use medication to help alleviate the symptoms. The medication has helped, but by no means is it perfect. I still get the occasional panic attack during dating. I've gone out on a few dates here and there and did have one other relationship, but I didn't really meet anyone I was that into.

All that changed about a month ago. A family member set me up with a friend and we hit it off. We've gone out a few times and things were going great...until our third date. I got inside my head, started to panic, and didn't really make a move all night, despite the fact that we had dinner and watched movies at my house. The night ended in quite possibly the most pathetic first kiss this world has ever seen.

So she texted me yesterday and basically called me out on it, asking me "What does a girl have to do to get a real kiss?" She was beginning to think I wasn't interested and that we were headed towards the friend zone. I opened up a bit and told her that it was actually because I am into her that I over thought the whole situation and basically just froze up. She seems to understand and we've continued to text, and our date for next Monday night is still a go.

On one hand I can't help but beat myself up. I've been down this road before, and recently I haven't really cared because l really wasn't into the girl. My anxiety level was through the roof today, and while the medication managed it to where I could function, people at work could tell something was wrong.

On the other hand, I really do admire her honesty. I mean if she wasn't into me, she probably wouldn't have said that. I mean she wants me to kiss her, so why the heck am I so stressed? I really need to put the other night behind me, realize that she's into me, and just nail this next date. I mean the pressure should be off, right? I know I have a massive fear of rejection, but that's pretty much been eliminated. I can't do anything to change the past, I just need to forge ahead.

But for me, it's really not that easy. I feel like it's just the vicious cycle starting all over again. I do feel some pressure because no one on my family knows I deal with this, and if this girl realizes I have an issue then chances are my family will find out. But would that be such a bad thing? Would it be better to just have it out in the open and not have to hide it?

Anyway, it's just nice to find a place where other people might understand what I am going through. I few of my closest friends know about it, but I don't think they really understand it. They have no problem meeting women and dating, so they don't understand why I lock up and panic. They've been supportive, but I guess I'm just trying out something new to help me out. Maybe by venting on here and just discussing it anonymously with people who gave similar difficulties, it will lessen my anxiety about the whole thing.

Thanks for reading and just letting me share, it brought me some relief just getting this out.

 

[SofiasMami]

From what I hear, panic attacks and severe anxiety are more common than one might think. That type of thing tends to run in families too. I'm willing to bet someone else in your family has the same types of issues.
As for dealing with your lady friend, is there any advice or techniques from your counseling that you can draw on for your current situation? It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by thinking you "just need to nail" this next date.
I think it would be ok to tell your lady friend and your family about your panic attacks but that would be a decision for you ultimately to think about and make.

-Teresa

 

[TooMuchAnxiety]

From what I hear, panic attacks and severe anxiety are more common than one might think. That type of thing tends to run in families too. I'm willing to bet someone else in your family has the same types of issues.
As for dealing with your lady friend, is there any advice or techniques from your counseling that you can draw on for your current situation? It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by thinking you "just need to nail" this next date.
I think it would be ok to tell your lady friend and your family about your panic attacks but that would be a decision for you ultimately to think about and make.

-Teresa

Thanks for the reply! I completely get what you're saying about putting pressure on myself about the next date. That's probably why I've been a bit of a basket case today. Something that has worked for me in the past is talking to myself in a positive manner, kind if hyping myself up instead of all the negative self talk. Honestly, I didn't think I was ready to end counseling...however I knew all the techniques she was teaching me, but unfortunately the relaxation techniques rarely worked. Once the panic sets in, it's rare that it subsides...and when it does I figure it's the meds kicking in! One thing I know I need to do is just get out of my own head. Less thinking and second guessing myself. I read something today about just trying to see things from "outside myself"...focus on her, get her talking, concentrate on engaging in conversation and not worry so much about my thoughts.

As for telling her, that's something I eventually have to do. I laid the ground work a bit, but I think it might be too early for the full truth as I don't want to scare her away.

What it comes down to is confidence. Girls respond to that, I just need to find some. I have to stop the negative self talk and give myself pep talks. I know next Monday doesn't have to go great, but I do need to find a way to let her know I am attracted to her and want to more than friends. The fact that she feels the same way is a relief, I just need to keep telling myself that!

 

[TooMuchAnxiety]

Just an update, my anxiety level has come down a lot since Monday but it's still elevated. This is odd, because normally I don't feel this way until the day of the date. Still trying to think positive because she does seem to still be interested, but our next date has to go well.

I'm trying to reframe it a bit in my mind...I think I'm anxious because I want so badly to have a chance to redeem myself. Waiting over a week to atone for a screw up feels like an eternity! Does feel better just getting this out there though.

 

[SofiasMami]

I hope your future dates with her go well!

-Teresa

 

[Hearmenow2012]

You can do it as you've already made it past the first hurdle. Good luck for all of your future dates.

 

[sandwich]

"What does a girl have to do to get a real kiss?" She was beginning to think I wasn't interested and that we were headed towards the friend zone.

She wanted you to kiss her - brilliant.
OK, wear your nicest shirt, brush your teeth carefully, smile when you see her arriving, give her a compliment (just "you look great" will do - she's probably spent a bit of time choosing her outfit, doing hair, etc). If she compliments you, say thanks. Ask her about her day. When you tell her about your day, make sure you do yourself a favour. Silences and pauses are ok; you don't need to fill every void. Let her take a turn at leading the conversation - that way you'll find out what she is interested in talking about.

Have a great time. Even if she's not 'the one', you still had a good outing to the cinema, restaurant, whatever. Practice makes perfect!

 

[TooMuchAnxiety]

So tonight was the night...opening day baseball game date. Thought it went well, but at the end of the night I went in for a kiss and ended up just getting a side hug, followed by a text later saying that it wasn't there for her physically and she thinks we'd be better off as friends.

Nothing more to do or say but just try to pick myself up, learn from my mistakes, and try to find someone else. Easier said than done, but I have to try!