yeah, it is sad that most of us learn this way, only through experience and only by hurting. i often get really impatient with aphorisms cause i think, yeah? so? was that supposed to make me feel better? Standard ones like: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, You see your glass as half empty or half full, You get stronger in the broken places, Life is not about achieving and getting, it is about learning and growth, They can't hurt you unless you let them. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (actually, I like this one from Eleanor Roosevelt).
But I found over the years that stupid little sayings actually did help me ..... they became reminders for me to stop thinking in my old negative ways and try to change. At one point, I must have had like 60 or 70 quotes all over the surfaces of everything in my house, my refrigerator, my cabinets, on the bathroom mirror, on the back of the bathroom door.... and I'm talking when I was 50 for goodness sakes, I still needed to be reminded of certain TRUTHS I guess. Some things I just never got when I was young, some things that I just couldn't deal with, and in truth, my negative thinking about myself has really held me back in life. (I had to take them all down in February of this after I had a house fire) I laugh sometimes while I am at this keyboard and wish I could say to the young people here. LOOK KIDDO, DO YOU WANT TO BE AS OLD AS I AM AND BE THIS MISERABLE??????? I feel so worthless with no job, what does that say about me? I know the economy is bad, but why do I quit my jobs and really not give a darn about the consequences? I think it is because I let my pain and my insecurities get in the way, I really do. I say I can't take it anymore, but this last time, I think I could have handled the inappropriate behavior of my boss a whole lot better. In many ways, he wasn't sooooo bad, not like the previous one for goodness sakes, every employee at the older job, oh my god, we all hated our boss, he was such an abusive jerk....and they never said a thing, they just accepted it!!! They took it in stride, why couldn't I? They didn't allow themselves to get bent out of shape over his antics, why did I? This 25 year old kid told me straight out, " Look, the money is good, it's just a job, it's just 8 hours...just let it roll off your back, when you get outta here at 5 it's all over. Relax, kick back and be glad you aren't him." EVERY other person working there could do that but me.
I so believe we are our own worst enemies because we just don't like ourselves and we don't learn to care for ourselves. I sometimes feel that because I never had loving parents or a loving role model, someone to teach me how to value myself, I just have this huge whole inside of me where my self esteem should be. And I truly haven't done the things I need to do to fill that hole myself. Again, I talk a good talk, but often don't walk the walk.
It is so immature. But what good does it do for me to constantly berate myself? I can be such a whiner. Crying in my beer doesn't change a thing, only action does..... so I guess the silly little sayings and adages really need to be put back up. I can remember a bunch of them, "Insist on yourself, never imitate" Ralph Waldo Emerson "Embrace pain and use it as fuel on your journey" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. stuff like that, oh and yeah, the quintessential one for me: Most people are only as happy as they make up their mind to be. That's the hard one. Yeah, somewhere up there my brain does seem to have chemical imbalances, so they say....but again, after years of thought, research, therapy I have come to believe we get HARD WIRED by our life's experiences to think a certain way about life, people and ourselves...and it's really hard to to change the wiring but we can. We can do it. WE have to believe in ourselves more, our own power to shape our own lives. I have never owned my power, have you? I have never really thought in terms of my strengths and what I have that is positive about me, I always tend to look at what I lack. I think we all do this
so maybe we both need to start filling up the cabinet space or our bulletin boards with more positive sayings.
You and I sound so much alike, we tend to denegrate ourselves and talk down about ourselves.
Last stupid story....I used to teach "wayward" children. I firmly believe there is no such thing as a BAD child, there are just very very hurt ones and they act out their pain, confusion and despair. I guess I was good at it because I KNEW those kids, I resonated to their pain and knew how not to add to it and not react to the outbursts and violence that were symptoms of it. At the beginning of every school year, I would, yeah, I would, don't laugh!!! Dress up as the Goddess
Eostre, ( from which we get the word Easter, Estrogen lol) she was one of the first earth mother goddesses of pagan people....I would don a flowing white robe ( a choir robe actually lol), strew flowers, ivy, twigs, ribbons and other assorted greenery in my hair, around my shoulders, pin them to the robe, I would put native american drumming music on in the background and early on, before I got caught and was told to cut it out, I even lit candles to set the mood. LOL.... we would sit in a circle and I would tell them a tale about myself and then bring out my "sacred bowl" (actually a $3 garage sale find), made of sacred clay from an ancient sacred spring yadda yadda yadda, I would weave this mystical, magical tale about the power of this bowl....and then pass it around and ask the kids (ages 13 to 20) to tell me the worth of this bowl? Some gave me stock stupid answers, It's worth about 2 cents, the girls often just said, it is such a pretty color...but once in awhile, usually the quietest kid of the bunch or the most vehemently aggressive one of the group would be the one to get it and understand.
The worth of the bowl was that it was empty...and could be filled.... and this is what I wanted them to learn at age 13 or 15 or 20...that THEY were a bowl, THEY had the power, They were in charge of themselves and had to make the choices to FILL their bowls with the things that would bring them success and happiness...not all this pain. THEY had to choose and could choose and they had to stop blaming the police and society and this teacher or their drunk mother or their never-there for them dad and just take control... and yeah, stop the drugs and alcohol binging, stop putting crap into themselves to dull the pain.... start putting good stuff into themselves, stuff that will make them stronger, not weaker.
I'm telling you, I never felt more wonderful as a human being than when I was working with these kids, I wasn't the best and most informative teacher around, that's why I got that job really, most teachers don't want to deal with these kids, they were in an alternative school program, from 1 to 6 every day, basically kept in one room for five hours and told to do pages 17-25 in their workbooks. I was pretty brain dead, having not taught for 20 years, you lose your knowledge base...so I wasn't so great at giving kids facts, data and information to learn, but I was good at not accepting BS from them and demanded they try...and lavish huge praise on them for the smallest achievement.
And so I myself have to keep remembering that I too am that bowl, I choose how to see myself and value myself. We just need to learn to take ourselves under our own wing and if need be, love, care, mother and nurture ourselves cause no one else is gonna...and why keep slapping ourselves down? It's just not productive nor helpful...we have to cut ourselves a break and just treat ourselves gently. Oh, lol...that was the sign that was EVERYWHERE in my house. BE GENTLE, BE GENUINE, BE GENEROUS OH GORGEOUS YOU!!!!!
Sweetie, just stop knocking yourself down, try, it is hard, I know, but once you start to love yourself more....you will gain the confidence you need and start actually attracting good stuff and people to you who see it and sense it and want to be around it. Best Wishes and I so hope you have wonderful love filled holidays. brightest blessings and (((((((hugz))))))))))
edit here:
Can I ask you to do me favor? List just three wonderful things about yourself. Write them down and put them somewhere, probably at your desk, where you are forced to see them every day. I'll do it too. Here's what I wrote:
1. I survived Cancer 5 times. I am an incredibly strong person who has survived so much.
2. I am the primo, number one painter of birds on concrete for eco-art that the world has ever seen, yeah, I am.
3. I never treated my children the way my mother treated me.
