Just venting a bit, hopefully it will help me without upsetting my fellow lonely forum members.
I was unlucky to be dealt a personality that needs company, yet doesn’t attract, or doesn’t keep company. I have few friends, and none live close by. I don’t keep in touch with my brother and although I adored him, he was six years older and wanted nothing to do with me. We grew apart, and we were too different to have a relationship. Plus he lives about 6000 miles away.
My son was always cold with me, and after graduating from college, he returned to live with his father’s parents, in another country as well. I tried to keep in touch, but despite all the pleading, he wouldn’t call or e-mail for weeks at a time. I gave up. I can’t say that it is better, but at least the pain is dull rather than acute.
While going through a particularly lonely period, I would call my father almost every day, for 15-20 minutes conversations, but after a few weeks he told me to stop calling and he stopped answering. He never wanted to visit me, in fact while my mother was alive he wouldn’t even bother to talk, she did the talking for him also.
Friends, for some reason don’t stick around much either; I have 3 friends on whom I can count for everything, but they live over 1000 miles away. I talk to one of them mostly when she has problems. I talk to the other maybe 2-3 times a year, but quite on the surface. The third one e-mails me, and she calls me (bless her heart), but it is hard to open up to her, because I know that she keeps in touch with my father, and I just can’t get over how he’s always rejected me, even when I really needed his shoulder.
My ex-husband married me because I was pregnant, but his family hated me and we eventually broke up. They were very different than my family, let’s say a few classes above, and felt that I didn’t deserve their son and that I have destroyed his future. He married a lot better after that. Now they are the “lower class” which is kind of funny. A boyfriend was not happy that I would have my son leave with me, so that didn’t work. Another boyfriend was drinking a bit too much for my comfort (and probably smoking weed), but I really loved him. Only he was very indifferent. He didn’t want to commit and I don’t blame him, because during one of our off-again periods I was diagnosed with cancer. He struggled with trying to be there for me, but started drinking even more, and he eventually left me. It’s been 9 years since then and I haven’t tried to be in a relationship, because I think it would be very unfair. This is to make me feel better, because in fact I kind of think that nobody would want to put himself in this situation. Plus I would rather not have an intimate life, and there are very few guys out there who would be OK with this.
What keeps me going? I am good at my job, and that gives me satisfaction. I like photography. I love nature, and I can draw a lot of energy from just watching how green a green leaf is. Stars are amazing. Music is one of the greatest inventions of human kind. And so much more…
But I still feel lonely from time to time, and my medical issues keep my anxiety level a bit high. I wish I were a nicer, more pleasant, more interesting person. Or I wish I were healthier. But I still appreciate what I have.
I was unlucky to be dealt a personality that needs company, yet doesn’t attract, or doesn’t keep company. I have few friends, and none live close by. I don’t keep in touch with my brother and although I adored him, he was six years older and wanted nothing to do with me. We grew apart, and we were too different to have a relationship. Plus he lives about 6000 miles away.
My son was always cold with me, and after graduating from college, he returned to live with his father’s parents, in another country as well. I tried to keep in touch, but despite all the pleading, he wouldn’t call or e-mail for weeks at a time. I gave up. I can’t say that it is better, but at least the pain is dull rather than acute.
While going through a particularly lonely period, I would call my father almost every day, for 15-20 minutes conversations, but after a few weeks he told me to stop calling and he stopped answering. He never wanted to visit me, in fact while my mother was alive he wouldn’t even bother to talk, she did the talking for him also.
Friends, for some reason don’t stick around much either; I have 3 friends on whom I can count for everything, but they live over 1000 miles away. I talk to one of them mostly when she has problems. I talk to the other maybe 2-3 times a year, but quite on the surface. The third one e-mails me, and she calls me (bless her heart), but it is hard to open up to her, because I know that she keeps in touch with my father, and I just can’t get over how he’s always rejected me, even when I really needed his shoulder.
My ex-husband married me because I was pregnant, but his family hated me and we eventually broke up. They were very different than my family, let’s say a few classes above, and felt that I didn’t deserve their son and that I have destroyed his future. He married a lot better after that. Now they are the “lower class” which is kind of funny. A boyfriend was not happy that I would have my son leave with me, so that didn’t work. Another boyfriend was drinking a bit too much for my comfort (and probably smoking weed), but I really loved him. Only he was very indifferent. He didn’t want to commit and I don’t blame him, because during one of our off-again periods I was diagnosed with cancer. He struggled with trying to be there for me, but started drinking even more, and he eventually left me. It’s been 9 years since then and I haven’t tried to be in a relationship, because I think it would be very unfair. This is to make me feel better, because in fact I kind of think that nobody would want to put himself in this situation. Plus I would rather not have an intimate life, and there are very few guys out there who would be OK with this.
What keeps me going? I am good at my job, and that gives me satisfaction. I like photography. I love nature, and I can draw a lot of energy from just watching how green a green leaf is. Stars are amazing. Music is one of the greatest inventions of human kind. And so much more…
But I still feel lonely from time to time, and my medical issues keep my anxiety level a bit high. I wish I were a nicer, more pleasant, more interesting person. Or I wish I were healthier. But I still appreciate what I have.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/m/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
