Hello World!

[DoesItGetBetter?]

So I want to say hi, my screen name, as you can see, is DoesItGetBetter (which is my central concern . . .and fear), and I'm new to the forums. Frankly, I should've joined a long time ago, but I never did. I've been receiving psychological and psychiatric care for something like 2 years now, but I've come to think it was time I found a community of people who are really like me.

The full story of how I came to be here, why I'm here, etc, is far too long to post in full right now, though I'd like to do that at some point, but for this introductory thread, I wanted a discussion on a specific attitude I've come to develop whilst I've been both lonely and not lonely.

From ages 10-14 (at least, I might've actually been very lonely and sad when I was younger, more on that later) I was just outright miserable. I didn't know it at the time. I was only able to realize it after I was able to become happy for what was probably the first time in my life.

A few months before my 15th birthday, I fell in love. The good thing was, she was in love with me too. I was so utterly elated, so happy for the first time that I was able to realize how miserable I'd been.

Feel free to not take my "puppy love" seriously, but for the first time in my life, I had purpose. "Why am I waking up? Because she needs me." "Why am I improving my grades? So I can be there when she needs me most." (My grades had been utterly craptaculat for the past two years.) And so on. (To clarify, yes, the #2 priority was because I needed her, but at the time the reverse seemed so much more important. I take that as the proof I was actually in love.)
So I was happy. And the happiness didn't really stop. My main concern when we were together was that we'd end up "losing interest in each other" or something equally juvenile, but for me, it never really happened. Of course for her, it did. We broke up sometime before Christmas, 2008.

And so I went back to being miserable. Not by choice, really. I tried to take the lessons I learned (primarilly "Life is worth living") from the relationship and try living on my own, with enough, hard-earned wisdom or whatever to get through without being to unhappy, or whatever. It just didn't work. I just felt that hole ever more intensely than I was able to before I knew what happines was like.

And so here I am, miserable. I've been in therapy at least since then, I've stayed at a mental hospital, taken medicines (which I've since stopped taking), etc. I've had an endless parade of people tell me that I should be able to be happy without being romantically involved with someone, as though it's some sort of icing-on-the-cake that comes with happiness.

I'm sorry, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's just not true. If other people are able to be happy alone, and I'm not, and I'm weak, fine, I'm weak. So save me. Give me strength. I just want to know, is this, not necesarilly a "healthy" attitude, but an acceptable one to have if I want to break out of my cycle of loneliness in the long run? I can't help but feel like if I try to be happy just through my future career or through the family and friends i already have, and THEN try and meet someone, I'll never get around to meeting someone, and I'll never actually be happy, even if I might be able to fool myself in the short run.

So basically, is it ok to believe I won't be happy without a woman in my life?

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

Happiness is something we decide. If you DECIDE that you aren't going to be happy without a woman.. then obviously you won't.

 

[DoesItGetBetter?]

Welcome to the site.

Happiness is something we decide. If you DECIDE that you aren't going to be happy without a woman.. then obviously you won't.

Thanks. Well I can't help but feel like it's sort of been forced upon me, this attitude I mean. I was alone for the longest time, but I was ok with it in that I didn't realize how utterly screwed up it was, I ended up falling in love pretty much by accident, and now there's just this hole where my drive use to be. I used to be the kind of person who didn't want to get married or have kids or anything, and now it's all I can think about like "AH! I'm trying to focus on volunteering and majoring in Economics and gettting into local politics right now! Go away! I can't deal with you right now!"

It's basically become this attitude like I owe it to myself. Yet at the same time, it's not even something I don't want to do, I actively thirst for someone to love, and seek them often (with obvious lack of results).

In short, it'd be great if I could be happy without someone, because that'd be a lot easier! But even though I've been doing a lot of things which should make me feel great, (and do) like volunteering and all that, there's still just this void where love use to be.

 

[IgnoredOne]

What about feeling that you have to be more accomplished and happier so that you /can/ find a woman? And if you're doing well in life, I don't think that you'll have that much difficulty finding someone, though I do know that it can be tough at times.

 

[DoesItGetBetter?]

What about feeling that you have to be more accomplished and happier so that you /can/ find a woman? And if you're doing well in life, I don't think that you'll have that much difficulty finding someone, though I do know that it can be tough at times.

Well, and I mean no offense, that's what people have been telling me and that's what I've come to believe is false. To put it in pragmatic terms, it's usually the opposite: When I was in love, I got more things done, I did my homework, I did it well, I wrote more songs, I wrote better songs, I felt more ambition to be a better writer, a better guitar player, etc.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Well, and I mean no offense, that's what people have been telling me and that's what I've come to believe is false. To put it in pragmatic terms, it's usually the opposite: When I was in love, I got more things done, I did my homework, I did it well, I wrote more songs, I wrote better songs, I felt more ambition to be a better writer, a better guitar player, etc.

And I don't dispute you; it can be true for me too. Having someone to come home to is incredible, in a way that its hard to express otherwise. But does that idea or concept motivate you at all, or it doesn't work or resonate with truth at all?

 

[DoesItGetBetter?]

Well, and I mean no offense, that's what people have been telling me and that's what I've come to believe is false. To put it in pragmatic terms, it's usually the opposite: When I was in love, I got more things done, I did my homework, I did it well, I wrote more songs, I wrote better songs, I felt more ambition to be a better writer, a better guitar player, etc.

And I don't dispute you; it can be true for me too. Having someone to come home to is incredible, in a way that its hard to express otherwise. But does that idea or concept motivate you at all, or it doesn't work or resonate with truth at all?

As in having someone to come home to? It's actually the #1 thing I look forward to after moving out is being able to actually live with someone I'm in love with. It's also nice to think about when connecting my ambitions in life, like, "I just worked my ass off to make money so I can support her." Or in the context of my political ambitions "I just made the world a better place for her."

Being in love with someone gives a reference point for how my actions help or hurt other people, it makes me feel connected. So yeah, the idea that I could come home to someone and feel like I did something good for them is probably the #1 thing I look forward to later in life.

Also, it's funny, I'm 17 years old and I feel like someone in a mid-life crisis. The worst thing for me, actually, is waking up in the morning with no one next to me, as this constant reminder "I live for no one." I know other people like that feeling. I really, really don't.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I see nothing wrong with what you're seeing the world, beyond that it makes your life a lot harder at the moment. If I may suggest, try falling in love with a cause if you can, because not only as a reference point, I think that you dearly need that sense of passion in your life.

There is no purpose to life, except that which you make for yourself. Connections are definitely one, but more than that, so are ideals and purposes. And its not unusual for a person of your age to feel lost. Our society doesn't give us a lot of direction, does it?

Kudos for not being one of the idiots getting drunk and doing drugs. It does get better, and you have the strength to make it so.

 

[DoesItGetBetter?]

I see nothing wrong with what you're seeing the world, beyond that it makes your life a lot harder at the moment. If I may suggest, try falling in love with a cause if you can, because not only as a reference point, I think that you dearly need that sense of passion in your life.

There is no purpose to life, except that which you make for yourself. Connections are definitely one, but more than that, so are ideals and purposes. And its not unusual for a person of your age to feel lost. Our society doesn't give us a lot of direction, does it?

Kudos for not being one of the idiots getting drunk and doing drugs. It does get better, and you have the strength to make it so.

Oh yeah, I actually forgot to mention I'm actually a pretty dedicated straight-edge with one small caveat (My curiosity is all consuming, so I can't help but wonder what the alcholic beverage somoene in the room is drinking tastes like, but these are literally the only times I ever drink or do other bodilly harm. I am a caffiene addict thought. "Whadya gonna do?")

To clarify, I have been feeling better than usual lately because this summer I've signed up with a volunteer group dedicated to fighting the effects of poverty in my county, and (no hatin') I'm a volunteer to re-elect the president (our activities are pretty low at this point, still 2011 and all).

Additional clarification: I feel like this world-view works for me, but I also realize after years of both physical and mental medicine that I could be absolutely, flat-out dead wrong.

---

By the way, great quote as your signature.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I am very straight-edge too. I drink very occasionally, but I've never liked the taste of alcohol and the thought of not being in full control of my intellectual faculties infuriates me. My mind is literally the only thing that sets me apart from animals, and the hell if I want to be a beast.

And it does sound like that as you get passionate about a cause, you are doing better. Keep it up and I don't think that you'll have an issue finding someone either, to be completely honest. I mean, you can always work on yoruself and see what might be keeping you from getting to know more women and possibly finding something of peace and love with a girl, but a common cause is a great way to build rapport already.

I think that you're on an uphill curve. Keep it up.

I'm a conservative, though. Should I greet you as a foe? lol