Hey.
Altghost. Attends college. Has moved 5 times (3 cities) in the past 3 years. Doesn't like introductions anymore. Partly because I don't know if I should do the whole 'life story in a nutshell' thing or condense my personality into bullet points.
I'm here because... reasons. I'm lonely, obviously. I have no friends. The other reason needs a bit of explaining.
I went to a walk in three months ago, because I thought 'Alright, already. Maybe there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not just down because I haven't had a real friend for like four years.' I talked to the doctor for a bit, he told me I didn't seem like somebody who's depressed, I got my blood taken, got some anxiety pills, and that was it. (Fyi, I never even opened the stupid bottle.)
The thing about my own, personal version of 'depressed' is that it does NOT equate to sleeping 15 hours a day, staying in my parents' basement forever and crying all the time, every day about it. Fun fact, I don't want to be this way. (Which is NOT to mock mental illness; I mean to say that I am not governed by such things, as a person with clinical depression may be) I always wear a smile on my face; sometimes it's fake, but there are also times when it's real. I am not always down. I do get happy. I love to laugh, and I wear that stupid smile because I want to give off the impression that I am 'open' and, in fact, friendly. I like to be sarcastic and joke about life's stupidity, and I try to keep any conversation I'm a part of upbeat. My point is that I've never given up, and I don't think I ever will; but at the same time, I am deeply unhappy, and I feel completely stuck.
The message I have gotten from trying multiple counselors/therapists/whatever through the years, and from going to that stupid clinic, is that 'nothing will ever change, because nothing is wrong with me, even though something is wrong with me'. I went to a family doctor in grade 9 and got the same treatment; right off the bat, she asked me if I ever thought about killing myself, if I thought life would be better without me in it. NO! No, I do not. But I cannot express how frustrating it is to want change so badly, and to actually try, but then at the end of the day, to look out from the same pit I've been pacing in for years.
Sorry it's so long, if you made it this far.. I guess, I just thought this site might be a good place to be because people here seem to not be entirely negative? Even if life sucks sometimes, I find it more useful to try and look for something good than to give up to hopelessness :/
Altghost. Attends college. Has moved 5 times (3 cities) in the past 3 years. Doesn't like introductions anymore. Partly because I don't know if I should do the whole 'life story in a nutshell' thing or condense my personality into bullet points.
I'm here because... reasons. I'm lonely, obviously. I have no friends. The other reason needs a bit of explaining.
I went to a walk in three months ago, because I thought 'Alright, already. Maybe there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not just down because I haven't had a real friend for like four years.' I talked to the doctor for a bit, he told me I didn't seem like somebody who's depressed, I got my blood taken, got some anxiety pills, and that was it. (Fyi, I never even opened the stupid bottle.)
The thing about my own, personal version of 'depressed' is that it does NOT equate to sleeping 15 hours a day, staying in my parents' basement forever and crying all the time, every day about it. Fun fact, I don't want to be this way. (Which is NOT to mock mental illness; I mean to say that I am not governed by such things, as a person with clinical depression may be) I always wear a smile on my face; sometimes it's fake, but there are also times when it's real. I am not always down. I do get happy. I love to laugh, and I wear that stupid smile because I want to give off the impression that I am 'open' and, in fact, friendly. I like to be sarcastic and joke about life's stupidity, and I try to keep any conversation I'm a part of upbeat. My point is that I've never given up, and I don't think I ever will; but at the same time, I am deeply unhappy, and I feel completely stuck.
The message I have gotten from trying multiple counselors/therapists/whatever through the years, and from going to that stupid clinic, is that 'nothing will ever change, because nothing is wrong with me, even though something is wrong with me'. I went to a family doctor in grade 9 and got the same treatment; right off the bat, she asked me if I ever thought about killing myself, if I thought life would be better without me in it. NO! No, I do not. But I cannot express how frustrating it is to want change so badly, and to actually try, but then at the end of the day, to look out from the same pit I've been pacing in for years.
Sorry it's so long, if you made it this far.. I guess, I just thought this site might be a good place to be because people here seem to not be entirely negative? Even if life sucks sometimes, I find it more useful to try and look for something good than to give up to hopelessness :/