Hello, World

[R2349]

Hey.
Altghost. Attends college. Has moved 5 times (3 cities) in the past 3 years. Doesn't like introductions anymore. Partly because I don't know if I should do the whole 'life story in a nutshell' thing or condense my personality into bullet points.

I'm here because... reasons. I'm lonely, obviously. I have no friends. The other reason needs a bit of explaining.
I went to a walk in three months ago, because I thought 'Alright, already. Maybe there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not just down because I haven't had a real friend for like four years.' I talked to the doctor for a bit, he told me I didn't seem like somebody who's depressed, I got my blood taken, got some anxiety pills, and that was it. (Fyi, I never even opened the stupid bottle.)

The thing about my own, personal version of 'depressed' is that it does NOT equate to sleeping 15 hours a day, staying in my parents' basement forever and crying all the time, every day about it. Fun fact, I don't want to be this way. (Which is NOT to mock mental illness; I mean to say that I am not governed by such things, as a person with clinical depression may be) I always wear a smile on my face; sometimes it's fake, but there are also times when it's real. I am not always down. I do get happy. I love to laugh, and I wear that stupid smile because I want to give off the impression that I am 'open' and, in fact, friendly. I like to be sarcastic and joke about life's stupidity, and I try to keep any conversation I'm a part of upbeat. My point is that I've never given up, and I don't think I ever will; but at the same time, I am deeply unhappy, and I feel completely stuck.

The message I have gotten from trying multiple counselors/therapists/whatever through the years, and from going to that stupid clinic, is that 'nothing will ever change, because nothing is wrong with me, even though something is wrong with me'. I went to a family doctor in grade 9 and got the same treatment; right off the bat, she asked me if I ever thought about killing myself, if I thought life would be better without me in it. NO! No, I do not. But I cannot express how frustrating it is to want change so badly, and to actually try, but then at the end of the day, to look out from the same pit I've been pacing in for years.

Sorry it's so long, if you made it this far.. I guess, I just thought this site might be a good place to be because people here seem to not be entirely negative? Even if life sucks sometimes, I find it more useful to try and look for something good than to give up to hopelessness :/

 

[Lilianna]

Welcome! I think you'll like it here.

 

[MissGuided]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Barbaloot]

Hi, welcome to the forum.

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Welcome! Feel free to check out the chatroom(s). Might make some friends there. I know I have.

 

[R2349]

Can't believe how active this place is o.o Thanks for the welcome!

 

[Reron]

Hi altghost, It sucks been lonely, and having no one with you can talk to. It can be hard, but things can change, I hope they do for you.

 

[PyramidHead]

Welcome

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi!
Welcome to the forum - I think you'll find this is a good forum-
Nice to meet you!

Teresa

 

[Polar]

Hi there, you've described the difference between being depressed and deeply unhappy quite nicely there. Although I'm not extremely unhappy myself at the moment, I kind of recognize the story of not being satisfied with who you are. I believe a person can change but only to a certain extent. Personally I think it's more efficient to find a lifestyle which suits your personality than it is to try and change into someone else.
Whatever factors contribute to happiness wildly varies per person anyway. So if you walk into that person who's everything you'd like to be, the reality is that person is probably not much more happy than you are but is simply faced with a different set of problems and desires in his or her life.

I'm not trying to minimize your personal issues here but I think it's healthy that for some aspects of your personality you take the viewpoint of "ok, it's unfortunate that I'm not more sociable, clever, loving, funny, ambitious or whatever other constructs I believe that constitute to happiness, but it is simply who I am, so screw that". For other things you work with what you have. If you're unhappy about not having real friends but don't know how to meet and approach new people, the internet is there for you! I know it's awful to feel like you're stuck with your life while everything around you moves on, but you wouldn't believe how much people out there share that exact sentiment. I hope you'll find some of those to help you get a new, more positive perspective on your situation and can help you climb out of that pit.

So in a nuthshell, welcome.

 

[R2349]

Hi there, you've described the difference between being depressed and deeply unhappy quite nicely there. Although I'm not extremely unhappy myself at the moment, I kind of recognize the story of not being satisfied with who you are. I believe a person can change but only to a certain extent. Personally I think it's more efficient to find a lifestyle which suits your personality than it is to try and change into someone else.
Whatever factors contribute to happiness wildly varies per person anyway. So if you walk into that person who's everything you'd like to be, the reality is that person is probably not much more happy than you are but is simply faced with a different set of problems and desires in his or her life.

I'm not trying to minimize your personal issues here but I think it's healthy that for some aspects of your personality you take the viewpoint of "ok, it's unfortunate that I'm not more sociable, clever, loving, funny, ambitious or whatever other constructs I believe that constitute to happiness, but it is simply who I am, so screw that". For other things you work with what you have. If you're unhappy about not having real friends but don't know how to meet and approach new people, the internet is there for you! I know it's awful to feel like you're stuck with your life while everything around you moves on, but you wouldn't believe how much people out there share that exact sentiment. I hope you'll find some of those to help you get a new, more positive perspective on your situation and can help you climb out of that pit.

So in a nuthshell, welcome.

Aright, I think I see where you're coming from, so thanks for your input & the warm welcome. However, you've missed the mark ^^;

I definitely would not draw parallels between my wanting to be less lonely and wanting to change my personality/be somebody else. Wanting a friend or two DOES NOT equate to wanting to be a social butterfly ^^; If I can clarify, I'm not trying to change myself into something else, per-say, but my situation from an unhappy one to a happIER one. On that note, I get what you're saying, that the grass is always greener on the other side. But if you'll allow an analogy; that's like saying a person who is starving really won't be happier if she gets some food. Sure, this person will still have other problems, in the present and in the future. But ****, some food would really help.

This thing, 'loneliness', has been with me for years. It makes me unhappy in a way I don't quite know how to put into words. Perhaps 'deeply unhappy' was the wrong term for it. Just that, engaging with other people is a generally happier way of living life than being stuck in your own head, and I know this from personal experience. That said, I do 'work with what I have'. I don't dwell on it, spending all my time wishing for a less lonely life or something. But I can also acknowledge the fact that something in my life is missing, and for lack of better words, it sucks ^^;

So lastly, I'd say I actually do have quite a positive perspective on things. I only clarify this because it's important to me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hi there, welcome to the forum.

 

[Bitterheart]

hi
to one of the comments (written by Polar) you replied:"Wanting a friend or two DOES NOT equate to wanting to be a social butterfly ^^;" It sounds like you would be happy to find one or two good friends.
How likely is that all these years of loneliness you had no people around (at least several individuals) that might become your friend. May be you didn't notice these people in a crowd or you don't approach them (if noticed).
p.s. Personally I can easily spot the persons that I like or seems interesting to me, however it is not so easy (for me) to start talking to them (then I need to find a polite reason to start conversation).

 

[R2349]

How likely is that all these years of loneliness you had no people around (at least several individuals) that might become your friend. May be you didn't notice these people in a crowd or you don't approach them (if noticed).

Not quite sure what you mean? If that were the case then I wouldn't be friendless, heheh. Yeah, I also find it easy to pick out 'potential friends' from the crowd, but like you say, it isn't an easy task to approach them. There's 5 weeks left to the school year and I've initiated upwards of 20 'conversations' in the past 3 months, and only 1 of those has moved from in class to after class. And it only lasted about 3 minutes.

And to be honest, I don't just want 1 or 2 friends. That might, at first, sound... greedy, or something. However, I've been there before, and it's not a healthy situation, especially if they have full lives of their own. Yeah, a couple really close friends would be great, the kind you share everything with, but I also want a network of friends, y'know? I guess I want a "normal" life, lol.

 

[9006]

Welcome to the forum!