lostnalone
Member
I'm 25, and my loneliness is really starting to get to me. When I was younger and in school I hardly had any friends at all. I was a nerd in pretty much every aspect, except that my grades steadily went downhill until high school when I didn't care anymore and left because I hated being there. Everyone ignored me or made fun of me. Girls wanted nothing to do with me, unless it was to amuse themselves before laughing at me. The only exception to that was in jr high when one girl liked me, she was the first to kiss me, but I never tried to make anything of that (looking back though, I had no idea what I was doing anyway, so I guess I can't really blame myself too much for it).
It wasn't until after I left school, when I was in my midteens that I kissed another girl. We started out as friends and somehow we ended up in love. But she lived far away and the only time I got to see her was when she was here on vacation in the summer. So it wasn't really a relationship, we only saw each other twice over a period of years. All we did was kiss/make out, nothing too serious, there were reasons why we agreed not to go beyond that I guess, at least not then. We actually talked about our future, I wanted to move to where she lived, but at the time it was impossible because of our age. We talked about living together, even marriage. I know all that sounds rediculous in context, and compared to real relationships, but it's as close as I've ever been to having one. And I really did love her. Of course, she met someone back home and when I saw her again she told me. Now she has a family, probably going to be married soon. For a long time we avoided talking, but recently we've started to talk a little (it's complicated), we're just friends now, and as much as I wish I could let go of those feelings, I still think about her.
This summer I started talking to a girl I know from a place I visit every year, she flirted with me constantly while I was down there, but I was too **** nervous to do anything about it at the time. But I got in touch with her after I came home, we talked for weeks, texted each other just to say hi, she said she wanted to see me again. I had plans to go back in a year, which was fine with her, but an opportunity came up for me to go back and I asked if she'd like to see me, she said yes. I flew out there, everything was great until I got there, she avoided me pretty much right away. I was there for almost a month and it wasn't until the last few days before I left that we finally met, so I asked her out and she said yes. Then last minute she cancelled because she wasn't feeling well, and I had to leave. I did see her before I left, and i'm pretty sure she wasn't faking it, but given her behaviour the whole time I was there (not calling, not replying to messages, even telling me she'd come see me and never showing up) I just don't know if I can believe it.
I tried talking to her after that, but now she's quiet, and she's dating someone.
The thing that sucks about all of this is that in my whole life i've kissed 2 girls, and it's been years since the last time. I'm still a virgin (not because i'm waiting for anything really). I told myself it's just because I need to try more, and this girl seemed to REALLY like me, all her friends knew why I was down there. Even her family said she wanted to see me. And yet she ignored me like I didn't exist, never even apologized for wasting all my time, and my money travelling out there for nothing. We barely had a chance to speak. I really don't see how I did anything wrong, I even asked her if I had said or done anything and she said I hadn't. So now i'm just confused, for once in years I thought I'd met someone who liked me, or at least would spend some time with me and give me a chance (she made all kinds of promises about spending time with me, inviting me to parties etc). And now i'm back home, with not a **** thing to show for it and I feel used.
I'm starting to feel numb inside, like i'm getting used to being alone. I hate it, I hardly sleep anymore, I have no sense of self worth left. I find myself needing something to do just to keep my mind off of this, I have a few hobbies that keep my mind off of it but I still lie awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about this. I'm sick of being the guy who is completely ignored by girls. I'm sick of watching them go after complete losers who use them and dump them within weeks, and meanwhile ignoring me. Do I really have to become one of those ******** to not be ignored? yeah I know there's girls out there who find good guys attractive.. whatever. That's how it starts, then once they get to talking they vanish into thin air. I've been called 'sweet' so many times in my life it makes me feel ill. I know what that translates to, and it's basically "you're nice, but". I don't get it. No wonder relationships rarely work for people today, no one really wants one that could work.
Ahhh. ok i'm ranting now, i'm tired. been up all night long.
It wasn't until after I left school, when I was in my midteens that I kissed another girl. We started out as friends and somehow we ended up in love. But she lived far away and the only time I got to see her was when she was here on vacation in the summer. So it wasn't really a relationship, we only saw each other twice over a period of years. All we did was kiss/make out, nothing too serious, there were reasons why we agreed not to go beyond that I guess, at least not then. We actually talked about our future, I wanted to move to where she lived, but at the time it was impossible because of our age. We talked about living together, even marriage. I know all that sounds rediculous in context, and compared to real relationships, but it's as close as I've ever been to having one. And I really did love her. Of course, she met someone back home and when I saw her again she told me. Now she has a family, probably going to be married soon. For a long time we avoided talking, but recently we've started to talk a little (it's complicated), we're just friends now, and as much as I wish I could let go of those feelings, I still think about her.
This summer I started talking to a girl I know from a place I visit every year, she flirted with me constantly while I was down there, but I was too **** nervous to do anything about it at the time. But I got in touch with her after I came home, we talked for weeks, texted each other just to say hi, she said she wanted to see me again. I had plans to go back in a year, which was fine with her, but an opportunity came up for me to go back and I asked if she'd like to see me, she said yes. I flew out there, everything was great until I got there, she avoided me pretty much right away. I was there for almost a month and it wasn't until the last few days before I left that we finally met, so I asked her out and she said yes. Then last minute she cancelled because she wasn't feeling well, and I had to leave. I did see her before I left, and i'm pretty sure she wasn't faking it, but given her behaviour the whole time I was there (not calling, not replying to messages, even telling me she'd come see me and never showing up) I just don't know if I can believe it.
I tried talking to her after that, but now she's quiet, and she's dating someone.
The thing that sucks about all of this is that in my whole life i've kissed 2 girls, and it's been years since the last time. I'm still a virgin (not because i'm waiting for anything really). I told myself it's just because I need to try more, and this girl seemed to REALLY like me, all her friends knew why I was down there. Even her family said she wanted to see me. And yet she ignored me like I didn't exist, never even apologized for wasting all my time, and my money travelling out there for nothing. We barely had a chance to speak. I really don't see how I did anything wrong, I even asked her if I had said or done anything and she said I hadn't. So now i'm just confused, for once in years I thought I'd met someone who liked me, or at least would spend some time with me and give me a chance (she made all kinds of promises about spending time with me, inviting me to parties etc). And now i'm back home, with not a **** thing to show for it and I feel used.
I'm starting to feel numb inside, like i'm getting used to being alone. I hate it, I hardly sleep anymore, I have no sense of self worth left. I find myself needing something to do just to keep my mind off of this, I have a few hobbies that keep my mind off of it but I still lie awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about this. I'm sick of being the guy who is completely ignored by girls. I'm sick of watching them go after complete losers who use them and dump them within weeks, and meanwhile ignoring me. Do I really have to become one of those ******** to not be ignored? yeah I know there's girls out there who find good guys attractive.. whatever. That's how it starts, then once they get to talking they vanish into thin air. I've been called 'sweet' so many times in my life it makes me feel ill. I know what that translates to, and it's basically "you're nice, but". I don't get it. No wonder relationships rarely work for people today, no one really wants one that could work.
Ahhh. ok i'm ranting now, i'm tired. been up all night long.
