Hello

[SonDEre-ix]

Hello, everyone. I'm lonely and the epitome of a nutcase. I'm twenty-three years old and suffer on a daily basis, greeting each day with an overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness. I've had social anxiety for most of my life, and ever since my early teens I've been slowly drifting into solitude. My self-esteem is at an all-time low due to how often I beat myself up for various mistakes I've made in relationships (I know living in the moment is of prime importance, but I find this way of thinking very difficult to overcome). I haven't cried as much as I do now at any point previously in my life. I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are more frequent and are filled with moments of me drenching my pillows and bed sheets with tears. I have suicidal thoughts daily. It’s pathetic, I know. I'm unemployed partly because I can’t find anywhere to work in this small town I live in, I dropped out of high school, but am working on getting my GED, I also live with my parents, and these factors make me undesirable to most women (I'm actually bisexual, but prefer women). This brings me to something else I wanted to share. Not having had any physical contact since I was eighteen or nineteen, and being as young as I am, my mind is completely dominated by distracting sexual fantasies. Some of which are of the most vile, disgusting, dark scenarios you can imagine. I’m addicted to pornography and have a collection that would put most other collections to shame (over 500 GB to be exact). I don't know if I'm naturally a deviant or my loneliness has drawn me to these things. I'm hoping that by forming a social life of some sort, it will have a nullifying effect on some of the fetishes I've developed. This is important because some of these fantasies I have involve predatory behavior, like abducting beautiful females, killing them, and having sex with as well as feasting on their corpses for my own twisted pleasure. I’ve recently begun plotting scenarios for successfully victimizing local women. However, I have the necessary restraint to avoid acting on the thoughts. I’m actually a very empathetic person, but there is a monster lurking inside of me. I have a very paradoxical personality, it seems. Clearly, I need help and I think this site could potentially be a great boon. I'm here because I want to connect with others going through similar experiences and make friends (if I don’t scare them off, that is). As much as I enjoy spending time playing computer games, studying various subjects, experimenting with psychedelics, and engaging in creative activities, they simply don't make me feel truly content. I've learned the hard way that relationships are what will bring me true happiness.

 

[PeteBerger]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I got a bit scared reading through your lines, but you do seem like a quite intelligent guy and I know it takes guts to talk about your situation. Good you got it out from you. I hope you find some ways to ease on your problems here.

 

[jaguarundi]

Hello and welcome

 

[Badjedidude]

This is important because some of these fantasies I have involve predatory behavior, like abducting beautiful females, killing them, and having sex with as well as feasting on their corpses for my own twisted pleasure. I’ve recently begun plotting scenarios for successfully victimizing local women. However, I have the necessary restraint to avoid acting on the thoughts. I’m actually a very empathetic person, but there is a monster lurking inside of me.

You need to seek help immediately.

I'm not saying that to insult you, but... you have to recognize that you're experiencing some very abnormal, dangerous thoughts. You've even admitted that you're in the planning stages of abducting someone and possibly harming them. This is not normal. This is not safe. Add to that the fact that you're experiencing suicidal thoughts, and... well...

You need to visit a psychologist/psychiatrist or a therapist and check into regular counseling.

Don't get me wrong -- it's great that you're reaching out and that you understand that friends and relationships can help, but... the problems you've mentioned won't just go away on their own once you find friends. And nobody on this site is qualified or capable of handling some of the issues you've mentioned. Again, I urge you: seek counseling.

Welcome to the site.

 

[SonDEre-ix]

This is important because some of these fantasies I have involve predatory behavior, like abducting beautiful females, killing them, and having sex with as well as feasting on their corpses for my own twisted pleasure. I’ve recently begun plotting scenarios for successfully victimizing local women. However, I have the necessary restraint to avoid acting on the thoughts. I’m actually a very empathetic person, but there is a monster lurking inside of me.

You need to seek help immediately.

I'm not saying that to insult you, but... you have to recognize that you're experiencing some very abnormal, dangerous thoughts. You've even admitted that you're in the planning stages of abducting someone and possibly harming them. This is not normal. This is not safe. Add to that the fact that you're experiencing suicidal thoughts, and... well...

You need to visit a psychologist/psychiatrist or a therapist and check into regular counseling.

Don't get me wrong -- it's great that you're reaching out and that you understand that friends and relationships can help, but... the problems you've mentioned won't just go away on their own once you find friends. And nobody on this site is qualified or capable of handling some of the issues you've mentioned. Again, I urge you: seek counseling.

Welcome to the site.

I have considered it. I'm just afraid my family might catch wind of something if I went to see a counselor in person. Plus, I don't have the money right now. I was hoping there would be some qualified people here. We'll see how things pan out.

---

Hi and welcome to the forum. I got a bit scared reading through your lines, but you do seem like a quite intelligent guy and I know it takes guts to talk about your situation. Good you got it out from you. I hope you find some ways to ease on your problems here.

Yes, it is a bit scary and I hope this forum helps too. Thanks for the welcome.

 

[PeteBerger]

Can't you go to see your family doctor who then could refer you to see a
psychologist/psychiatrist for free? If that's the case then the US health care
system is really screwed up.

 

[Badjedidude]

I have considered it. I'm just afraid my family might catch wind of something if I went to see a counselor in person. Plus, I don't have the money right now. I was hoping there would be some qualified people here. We'll see how things pan out.

Quite frankly, it's none of your family's business if you go see a counselor. I'm sure in the long run, they'd much rather see you getting help than to end up doing something awful... or being in emotional/psychological pain.

And money shouldn't be an issue. There are places you can go to get help for no cost -- it will take some searching, but... just based on what you've said, I think it's imperative for you to look for some serious, professional assistance. Again, I'm not trying to insult you, but... this is something that you need to take extremely seriously. It shouldn't be an option to just "see how things pan out."

Really, I wish the best for you. And it is a good thing that you're reaching out to people here on the forum. Maybe some friendship will help you bear your burdens, but... I don't think it will solve them.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I watched a 60 minute special on a pastor who had these same thoughts, and he managed to conquer them through therapy. He is not you, but you should be optimistic.

I've seen some pretty horrible things on the internet, so nothing shocks me anymore. But you definitely need to get help, especially if this is going past fantasy and into reality.

Welcome to the site.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hello there, welcome to the forum. Hope you'll find what you're looking for here.

 

[jaguarundi]

I notice that you say you are "experimenting with psychedelics". If this is meaning drugs, I am wondering if this is fuelling your darker fantasies?

In respect of which, it is interesting to contemplate a buffet of sexual fantasies. The problems come when the nasty stuff is the only dish at the table...

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Hey, and welcome.
I wish for you to find the necessary support that you are looking for, but as someone said, I would also suggest seeing someone, meaning therapist, psychologist. You wrote that you would never act upon those fantasies of yours, which is great, and you should hold onto that. You should never hurt a lady.
But the thing is, except those most violent fantasies of yours, see cannibalism, its not that otherworldly I would think. There is quite a few masochists and submissive people in sexual meaning, and its not impossible to pair yourself with some female who would like you to hurt her. As stupid as that sounds, some females like to be hurt sexually, but remember, always, with no exceptions, make it with her agreement.
But I suppose you already know this.

For instance, there is one contemporary philosopher named Alain de Botton, who has a theory about extreme sexual desires. The theory basically is, that we create these extreme fantasies of our because of our loneliness. And that is because with living these fantasies with someone, it would mean deeper connection with them, though making our loneliness lesser. The theory is a bit more complicated, but I think I described it a bit to understand. Said easily, more lonely we are, more uncommon sexual fantasies we have.
You have also got a wind of what I´m talking about, as you wondered if what you fantasize about is the product of your loneliness, or your nature.

A do not know how to help you with one simple advice, for that I hope you will find comfort on this site, and advice from others.
Take care, and welcome.

 

[SonDEre-ix]

I notice that you say you are "experimenting with psychedelics". If this is meaning drugs, I am wondering if this is fuelling your darker fantasies?

In respect of which, it is interesting to contemplate a buffet of sexual fantasies. The problems come when the nasty stuff is the only dish at the table...

No, psychedelics tend to make you more introspective, dissolve boundaries between everything, and far more profound things, so no, they enhance empathy and induce a sense of unity with fellow human beings. It's only when I'm off them for a while when the thoughts come creeping back in. I also only like the nasty stuff pretty much. Vanilla sex does absolutely nothing for me most of the time.

---

Hey, and welcome.
I wish for you to find the necessary support that you are looking for, but as someone said, I would also suggest seeing someone, meaning therapist, psychologist. You wrote that you would never act upon those fantasies of yours, which is great, and you should hold onto that. You should never hurt a lady.
But the thing is, except those most violent fantasies of yours, see cannibalism, its not that otherworldly I would think. There is quite a few masochists and submissive people in sexual meaning, and its not impossible to pair yourself with some female who would like you to hurt her. As stupid as that sounds, some females like to be hurt sexually, but remember, always, with no exceptions, make it with her agreement.
But I suppose you already know this.

For instance, there is one contemporary philosopher named Alain de Botton, who has a theory about extreme sexual desires. The theory basically is, that we create these extreme fantasies of our because of our loneliness. And that is because with living these fantasies with someone, it would mean deeper connection with them, though making our loneliness lesser. The theory is a bit more complicated, but I think I described it a bit to understand. Said easily, more lonely we are, more uncommon sexual fantasies we have.
You have also got a wind of what I´m talking about, as you wondered if what you fantasize about is the product of your loneliness, or your nature.

A do not know how to help you with one simple advice, for that I hope you will find comfort on this site, and advice from others.
Take care, and welcome.

Yes, I'm into hardcore BDSM and would be interested in that sort of relationship, but it's the non-consensual stuff that really gets me going, such as having females as slaves/livestock and stuff like that. I'll check out this philosopher you speak of. I haven't heard of him before.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Well, there is only danger if it bothers you.

Any fetish can be problematic. If you aren't breaking the law, and don't plan to do it in person, you shouldn't have to give it up. However, I don't see how any violent fetish can be healthy, but that is up to you and your therapist.

I think you need to talk to someone about this. BDSM isn't illegal, and for many people, it is something that is enjoyable. But if you're thinking about hurting someone, you need to seek help immediately.

 

[SonDEre-ix]

Well, there is only danger if it bothers you.

Any fetish can be problematic. If you aren't breaking the law, and don't plan to do it in person, you shouldn't have to give it up. However, I don't see how any violent fetish can be healthy, but that is up to you and your therapist.

I think you need to talk to someone about this. BDSM isn't illegal, and for many people, it is something that is enjoyable. But if you're thinking about hurting someone, you need to seek help immediately.

I had the mentality of just keeping it in fantasy initially, but after a while, the urges became too intense. It's gotten to the point where wanking isn't going to cut it. I plan on seeing a therapist this week at some point, lest I turn into the next Issei Sagawa. I'll provide updates on my mental health, if anyone gives a honeysuckle.

 

[Madula]

I had the mentality of just keeping it in fantasy initially, but after a while, the urges became too intense. It's gotten to the point where wanking isn't going to cut it. I plan on seeing a therapist this week at some point, lest I turn into the next Issei Sagawa. I'll provide updates on my mental health, if anyone gives a honeysuckle.

You might not think anyone cares and maybe welcome rejection because you think you deserve it, but that's a lie.

 

[PeteBerger]

I would like to believe some people do give a honeysuckle about it, to not look far - myself. So if you have any updates don't be shy to share.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

Yeah we do give a honeysuckle. I hope that all goes well with the Therapist.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Hello and Welcome to the Forum! =)

 

[9006]

Welcome here.

 

[Tulip23]

Hi and welcome. I hope you find this site helpful