Did the alcohol perhaps cause an unaware conflict between Your leading characteristics? Well, it's obvious You understood that it was bad for You, so it's nice to see that the "good" side of You has a strong will too!
I've never been interested in harming myself in any way (not counting the suicide attempts i performed back when i was deeply depressed) and count alcohol in there, although i love a cider from time to time, which only helps the immune-system to better handle poisons in the future if consumed in
moderation. If You ever go back there, reward Yourself with
one beer a day and You'll actually do a
good thing for Yourself. Beer's quite a source of calories, as i'm sure You know, so why not consume them early on instead so You can walk 'em off? Just don't drink-&-drive, if driving is what You do! That sure won't help anyone!
Hmm... so You analyse everything. When i'm observing someone i sure can't rest my thoughts either, about
how that person might be, but when the actual greet is to take place and when the talking starts, i let the talk take over and decide whether or not this person's someone i could get along with. Have You asked Yourself
why You have to be certain about people and situations? Do You see Yourself as better or worse (alot or slightly; makes no real difference) than most people and too sensitive and/or important or unimportant to expose Yourself to the potential behaviour and different thoughts a person might have? Are You a perfectionist? Are You excessively tied up with what Your long-term thoughts have been telling You about other people? What was is that You found out; what is Your reality with life itself? Did this make You afraid and/or unable to accept people who don't share Your idea with the meaning of life? Might be repeating myself here, but since i don't see any answers or speculations to some problems in Your post i just want to make You understand Yourself better by acting as a wall of understanding, which You might have heard of.
I want to laugh like you do, Robin. And I can. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I am side-bustingly hilarious, but not at all lately.
There came some well-needed clarity for me to this session. You obviously have something relatively new on Your mind which changes things. Without knowing this new entity, which seems to have something to do with what You found out about life itself, i can't help You much further with this part, because my meaning of life might differ from Yours and i'm just 21 years old after all, and are an absolute atheist.
I feel myself getting there though. Back to my happy self. And that's a person that people really like to be around.
There's something about expressive, happy people!
"Back to my happy self"; again, what has changed You? Any hints at all?
Its just that when I start to get close to people, a part of me kicks in that wants to guard myself. So bam... the walls go up all at once, and I go from being this cool, funny, quirky person to being a brooding, morose, creepy guy that bails out emotionally for no reason. Its my baggage, and I'm working on it.
First of all, that sounds very much like the crisis we have during our early teen-age. Since i'm yet to face the second crisis i can't be sure how similar the first and second one are, but i'm quite certain that it is a developing-crisis You are facing, as in the mid-life one. Your mind is tired of itself and needs to renew somehow to become greater again and that's perfectly natural to have a real hard time with overcoming, even though this type of crisis' usually come crawling over a few months. The fact that You turned to others for help as well as proved Yourself to be strong enough to quit drinking indicates that You've already been through the worst stages of this period and recently entered the one's where You more constructively can reflect on Your life, which can take longer to deal with though.
I2W, have You lost something recently, or have strong feelings for something You wish You'd have? Dare i say, it is a
friend or two? Love? Children? During the less hysteric and hard-thinking period of a crisis it's most often extremely important to have someone to talk to. It can make the entire difference between getting "sane" again and falling into a depression. Again, it's great that You came here and took the dive to reveal Your situation! You know what You need!
Secondly, You say You get some sort of defence up like crazy all of a sudden. You know what that is, I2W? That's Your old self backing the new one up, because it's freaking out right now over all these new thoughts. Your old self desperately wants to change and are terrified of it at the same time. You might not feel so terrified, but we're all different and that's only good. It doesn't have anything to do with intelligence (if You're worried about that); even Steven Hawkins would be badly confused and off-track during a crisis. You're not crazy or weird either!
I2W, You need friendship and time to get over this, put simply. You need to try new things out to find new hobbies and i would recommend talking to people You usually wouldn't, whether it's online or off-line, to get a wider aspect of people. Your old world is about to clash with a new one once more, and if You dare to take this step and accept Yourself and Your new thoughts You're going to see that it wasn't so bad as You thought. Words can't hurt You, right?
A "delayed growth" is going on right now, and as long as You try to relax some and have some fun some times for the next couple of months i think You're going to pass through this just fine. So, without feeling mean, i can say "Let Yourself grow up, I2W!" even though i'm not far from half Your age!
Amazing isn't it... we humans i mean. We "need" a new set of thoughts from time to time to feel allright, but at the same time fight those off like we're in a war with ourselves.
Since i'm not totally aware of what it truly is that has set this crisis in motion i can't say for sure if there are any complications present which might be interfering, or might
have interfered, with Your work to get better. It's not unusual to be reminded of old, bad times when You're going through something like this, and if You'd care to share some of that too it would be easier to help You.
Bluey said:
Hi init2winit. I read somewhere that you called your self old errrr am only 33 (just
) and am not old. So stop that. You well be giving me a complex
Also I always say u gotta b init2winit every time I buy a lotto ticket. Never won it but I remain optimistic
LoL! Aren't You funny?
You rock, Bluey! =)
