DeadImaginaryFriends
Member
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2015
- Messages
- 11
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi people,
I'm a guy, 21 from Minnesota.
I'm not what you would call your "average" guy. I don't identity with the idea of "being a man" or "manning up". I’m very emotionally sensitive, for a guy at least (or what is normally expected from a guy). I have no friends, no one to talk to about my feelings. from 2009 to mid 2014 I was very good friends with a girl 6 year older than me. We we just friends, nothing more. Since mid 2014 she has been working 7 days a week and we have not visited each other in about a year now. We used to talk almost everyday, she was like a big sister to me. Now we barely text at all. I have not talked with her for two months now. Since then I have been trying to manage my life and be happy without her. Even though we never had any romantic feelings for each other, she made me happy. I guess maybe it was the quirky things she did. She always used to say she could predict the future and she was me being married to a pretty girl and having a daughter. I always smiled and pretended to agree with her on that, because I did not want to drag her down into my misery. I really liked her smile.
I don't know if I have depression or not, but when I am feeling sad(and it happens a lot) the sadness just comes in waves. After constancy being sad and lonely the last 3 years, I think have unconsciously adopted the philosophy that it is better for me to be constantly sad, then to have some happiness and then be sad. For me, the rare moments of me being happy and then going to feeling sad is worse then just feeling sad. Yeah I know that it sounds terrible and it is
.
It was worse today, and that's why I decided to google "lonely people forum" and found this place. I was at the gym earlier today, keeping an eye on my form in the mirror while working with some weights. In the mirror, out of the corner of my eye, a really beautiful girl walked up behind a guy who was standing to the side of a treadmill machine looking down at his phone. She came up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and he spun around. He said "oh hey!," she laughed, and they hugged each other. They were obviously very happy to see each other, and they were both smiling while they talked. I didn't pay attention to what they were saying, I just finished me weights and then walked the frigid two miles home. (we have very cold winters in minnesota).
When I got home, the full weight of how alone I am hit me. The silence and solitude of my tiny apartment contrasted in my mind with the couple I saw earlier, the smiles and joy they had in seeing each other. How they embraced. How they laughed. I can't remember the last time anyone hugged me. And out of nowhere I just started sobbing. The thoughts turned even worse; I cant remember the last time anyone smiled at me or was happy to see me, either.
I'm a very loving, caring, and affectionate person. I'd give anything to have someone to care about. Or for a pretty girl with kind eyes to care about me like she cared about him, to give me a hug or to smile at me, some sort of indication that someone like that could care about or love someone like me. What I'd really love most of all is a significant other, someone to share my life with, someone to share happiness and interests with, someone to comfort in hard times, someone to hold hands with or gently caress to sleep each night. Someone to come home to at the end of the day, knowing that I would be returning to a home filled with warmth and love.
But I can't even remember the last time anyone gave me a hug. Even just a friendly one. And it hurts so, so much. Whenever I see two people together (in whatever way), I feel extremely miserable and sad. I'm always told to embrace being alone, to be comfortable with yourself before finding someone. But I'm not. I want someone to share my life with. Someone who understands me. We don't have to agree about everything, we don't need to share all the same interests, I just want someone to be with. I want someone who can teach me things, and someone who can maybe learn things from me as well. I just want someone to have a special place in their heart for me. I want someone to care about me, to think about me. Someone who when I visit or text gets a little bit happier or puts a smile onto their face when they hear my voice or know that I was thinking of them. Someone who when I go on vacation or when I go away for a few days can't wait for me to get back. Someone who when we go home home the night tells me that they can't wait to see me again tomorrow. Someone who hugs me, kisses me goodbye, and tells me they love me.
I'm sorry this turned into a bit of a rant. I have everything I could need, I have a roof over my head, there's food on the table, I can afford hobbies and extra stuff, but I feel empty.. I'm kind of at a breaking point here, the loneliness and solitude is getting to me. I'm so lonely that for the last few years I have invented a bunch of imaginary friends, back stories and all. I just don't know what do do anymore.
I'm a guy, 21 from Minnesota.
I'm not what you would call your "average" guy. I don't identity with the idea of "being a man" or "manning up". I’m very emotionally sensitive, for a guy at least (or what is normally expected from a guy). I have no friends, no one to talk to about my feelings. from 2009 to mid 2014 I was very good friends with a girl 6 year older than me. We we just friends, nothing more. Since mid 2014 she has been working 7 days a week and we have not visited each other in about a year now. We used to talk almost everyday, she was like a big sister to me. Now we barely text at all. I have not talked with her for two months now. Since then I have been trying to manage my life and be happy without her. Even though we never had any romantic feelings for each other, she made me happy. I guess maybe it was the quirky things she did. She always used to say she could predict the future and she was me being married to a pretty girl and having a daughter. I always smiled and pretended to agree with her on that, because I did not want to drag her down into my misery. I really liked her smile.
I don't know if I have depression or not, but when I am feeling sad(and it happens a lot) the sadness just comes in waves. After constancy being sad and lonely the last 3 years, I think have unconsciously adopted the philosophy that it is better for me to be constantly sad, then to have some happiness and then be sad. For me, the rare moments of me being happy and then going to feeling sad is worse then just feeling sad. Yeah I know that it sounds terrible and it is
.It was worse today, and that's why I decided to google "lonely people forum" and found this place. I was at the gym earlier today, keeping an eye on my form in the mirror while working with some weights. In the mirror, out of the corner of my eye, a really beautiful girl walked up behind a guy who was standing to the side of a treadmill machine looking down at his phone. She came up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and he spun around. He said "oh hey!," she laughed, and they hugged each other. They were obviously very happy to see each other, and they were both smiling while they talked. I didn't pay attention to what they were saying, I just finished me weights and then walked the frigid two miles home. (we have very cold winters in minnesota).
When I got home, the full weight of how alone I am hit me. The silence and solitude of my tiny apartment contrasted in my mind with the couple I saw earlier, the smiles and joy they had in seeing each other. How they embraced. How they laughed. I can't remember the last time anyone hugged me. And out of nowhere I just started sobbing. The thoughts turned even worse; I cant remember the last time anyone smiled at me or was happy to see me, either.
I'm a very loving, caring, and affectionate person. I'd give anything to have someone to care about. Or for a pretty girl with kind eyes to care about me like she cared about him, to give me a hug or to smile at me, some sort of indication that someone like that could care about or love someone like me. What I'd really love most of all is a significant other, someone to share my life with, someone to share happiness and interests with, someone to comfort in hard times, someone to hold hands with or gently caress to sleep each night. Someone to come home to at the end of the day, knowing that I would be returning to a home filled with warmth and love.
But I can't even remember the last time anyone gave me a hug. Even just a friendly one. And it hurts so, so much. Whenever I see two people together (in whatever way), I feel extremely miserable and sad. I'm always told to embrace being alone, to be comfortable with yourself before finding someone. But I'm not. I want someone to share my life with. Someone who understands me. We don't have to agree about everything, we don't need to share all the same interests, I just want someone to be with. I want someone who can teach me things, and someone who can maybe learn things from me as well. I just want someone to have a special place in their heart for me. I want someone to care about me, to think about me. Someone who when I visit or text gets a little bit happier or puts a smile onto their face when they hear my voice or know that I was thinking of them. Someone who when I go on vacation or when I go away for a few days can't wait for me to get back. Someone who when we go home home the night tells me that they can't wait to see me again tomorrow. Someone who hugs me, kisses me goodbye, and tells me they love me.
I'm sorry this turned into a bit of a rant. I have everything I could need, I have a roof over my head, there's food on the table, I can afford hobbies and extra stuff, but I feel empty.
. I'm kind of at a breaking point here, the loneliness and solitude is getting to me. I'm so lonely that for the last few years I have invented a bunch of imaginary friends, back stories and all. I just don't know what do do anymore.
