Holidays

[RckyMtnHgh]

Christmas. Serves as a reminder that I am alone. I can't seem to measure up to a standard to retain a relationship. Who sets these standards anyway? I have no problem attracting attention from women, just the wrong ones. It's a pattern I can't seem to shake. I'm so tired of being alone that I willingly accept those into my life that are worse off then myself. Then, I get taken for money and material things and of course another piece of my soul. I had a marriage and two great kids once and now they're gone. Maybe I had my shot and it's done now, no more chances. I can't decide which is the lesser of two evils, to be alone or give in to rescuing people. Have any of you fallen into this? How do you feel? what did you do?

 

[kaede]

I think it's very difficult to shake those patterns, since the rescuer trait is probably so strongly ingrained in your personality you may not know any other way of relating to people. I also think it can happen very subtly....that you don't even know you were rescuing the other person until several years later....which is a really difficult situation. The best approach may be to try to trust your instincts early on in the relationship.

Whether it's better than being alone? I suppose you will know when you meet your next romantic interest! Either you will decide you don't want to go through it again (being taken advantage of) or you will continue the pattern (and likely end up alone again anyway!). So, hopefully if you meet someone it will be someone who won't NEED rescuing.

(I am also a fixer/rescuer of sorts myself, so this is my perspective on it.)

 

[RckyMtnHgh]

I think it's very difficult to shake those patterns, since the rescuer trait is probably so strongly ingrained in your personality you may not know any other way of relating to people. I also think it can happen very subtly....that you don't even know you were rescuing the other person until several years later....which is a really difficult situation. The best approach may be to try to trust your instincts early on in the relationship.

Whether it's better than being alone? I suppose you will know when you meet your next romantic interest! Either you will decide you don't want to go through it again (being taken advantage of) or you will continue the pattern (and likely end up alone again anyway!). So, hopefully if you meet someone it will be someone who won't NEED rescuing.

(I am also a fixer/rescuer of sorts myself, so this is my perspective on it.)

Hi Kaede,

You are spot on. I always 'save' someone and then slowly but surely it comes to light that I have made another mistake. I think deep down I know it from the start but allow it to happen. I have a deep, aching need to feel connected to a partner that I tend to take chances - chances that are so harmful. I don't want to hurt anymore so maybe I'll just be alone. Who knows. Thanks for the reply.

 

[kaede]

That need to feel connected is what makes "rescuers" overlook all the red flags early on in a relationship. Everyone desires companionship and love, but ultimately I think "rescuing" erodes your self-esteem. It might seem like you're the better person at the time, more generous, trusting, etc... but inside there is probably a part of you that knows that your partner is abusing your good nature and trust. Honestly it probably is better to be alone than in a bad relationship, because if you are alone you can be working on doing things to build yourself up, and who knows perhaps in the process meet that someone who doesn't need rescuing.

 

[RckyMtnHgh]

That need to feel connected is what makes "rescuers" overlook all the red flags early on in a relationship. Everyone desires companionship and love, but ultimately I think "rescuing" erodes your self-esteem. It might seem like you're the better person at the time, more generous, trusting, etc... but inside there is probably a part of you that knows that your partner is abusing your good nature and trust. Honestly it probably is better to be alone than in a bad relationship, because if you are alone you can be working on doing things to build yourself up, and who knows perhaps in the process meet that someone who doesn't need rescuing.

I would have to agree with you which is what I have been doing over the last year namely working on 'me'. I tend to go overboard to keep busy but that's OK for the short term. I know I have my moments of weakness so I have been avoiding the social scene in case I misstep.I'm curious to see how I eventually turn out since I don't want to give up either. Thx again.