How do you find a girlfriend?

[Badjedidude]

Because I honestly don't know how to talk to girls outside of just.... normal talking, I guess.

Exactly this. Women will know if you're flirting with them. So don't start off by flirting (until you've mastered the art or something)... start off with just simply talking.

I am myself, and based on what friends have told me when asked, much more sociable and nice and outgoing than I feel like I actually am. When I'm out somewhere, I'm not some noticeable social recluse who never talks to people and hides in the corner (as much as the amount of anxiety I feel makes me think I should be, or am).

If you're friends say that you're fine socially, then you're probably fine socially. No worries, man.

Though I have problems with failure in general, regardless of how many tries it took Edison to make a light bulb. Too many times in my life I've poured tons of time and energy into something (hobby projects, work, and even my last girlfriend) and it's ended up failing terribly, for reasons outside my control, and leaving me with nothing to show for it except being that much more exhausted with life and disillusioned with the idea that hard work pays off. Hell, with my ex-girlfriend, I didn't even have the benefit of having a rebound, or friends to help me work past her. I just had to bite the bullet and suffer for the several months until it didn't hurt to the point I was paralyzed anymore.

Look at it this way: If you've already had a girlfriend... then you KNOW that you're not entirely unwanted or disgusting.

So there ARE other women out there who could like you and date you.

 

[el Jay]

I know you're right, but it's hard to not feel the way I do anyways. My last girlfriend basically ruined my self-image, and my terrible luck with girls since has only further reinforced it all.

Does anyone else have any tips, though? For approaching women, asking them out, or whatever? Any tips would be very helpful.

 

[Badjedidude]

My last girlfriend basically ruined my self-image

Women can be frightfully skilled at that, can't they? Most women I know can cut a man to the bone almost instantly, without even trying. No, I'm not being misogynistic. I think most women would agree.

The key here is to learn not to peg your self-worth on what others (women, in this case) think of you.

You are a man in your own right, regardless of what anyone else wants to call you or think of you. Find a job, have hobbies, build yourself a life outside of the realm of dating and romance. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't focus so much on your value as a human being solely on the basis of what a girl might think your worth is.

fresia 'em.

Chances are that a girlfriend will hurt your self-esteem out of retribution or because she's hurting as well; it's a natural instinct to lash out when you're in pain. Even if this happened over a long period of time, it's possible that she herself didn't have a very good self-image, and she couldn't allow you to have one either.

*shrug*

But that's just a bunch of fancy hypothesizing.

My point is this:

Value yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are and what you do; then, it won't matter so much if someone tries to hurt your self-esteem.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

My last girlfriend basically ruined my self-image

Women can be frightfully skilled at that, can't they? Most women I know can cut a man to the bone almost instantly, without even trying. No, I'm not being misogynistic. I think most women would agree.

What's even worse is when your self-image is ruined by someone you were dating who tells you that you're just not attractive, or multiple rejections by women telling you the same thing.

 

[annik]

My last girlfriend basically ruined my self-image

Women can be frightfully skilled at that, can't they? Most women I know can cut a man to the bone almost instantly, without even trying. No, I'm not being misogynistic. I think most women would agree.

I think the same can be said of a lot of men too. I think it has more to do with the type of person doing it or that's having it done to them rather than gender.

 

[el Jay]

My last girlfriend basically ruined my self-image

Women can be frightfully skilled at that, can't they? Most women I know can cut a man to the bone almost instantly, without even trying. No, I'm not being misogynistic. I think most women would agree.

The key here is to learn not to peg your self-worth on what others (women, in this case) think of you.

You are a man in your own right, regardless of what anyone else wants to call you or think of you. Find a job, have hobbies, build yourself a life outside of the realm of dating and romance. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't focus so much on your value as a human being solely on the basis of what a girl might think your worth is.

fresia 'em.

Chances are that a girlfriend will hurt your self-esteem out of retribution or because she's hurting as well; it's a natural instinct to lash out when you're in pain. Even if this happened over a long period of time, it's possible that she herself didn't have a very good self-image, and she couldn't allow you to have one either.

*shrug*

But that's just a bunch of fancy hypothesizing.

My point is this:

Value yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are and what you do; then, it won't matter so much if someone tries to hurt your self-esteem.

I don't base my self-worth of what women think of me, but my confidence and self-esteem is pretty low for other reasons (one of them is that women never seem interested in me as a potential boyfriend, though).

But I never really understood the "love yourself for who you are" advice. I mean, I get what the person is trying to suggest by it, but if someone is having trouble with their self-esteem, that "advice" does nothing. It's just an empty platitude. It attaches a prerequisite onto any meaningful interaction (especially a romantic one) and gives absolutely no advice on how one could possibly go about learning to "love yourself for who you are." It makes me feel like I CAN'T have a relationship until I accomplish that much; that I'm "not allowed" to.

I know that you didn't specifically say hat, but I was talking about the general "you have to love yourself before you can love others" thing. Although I don't think that's my problem, anyways.

My problem is that, while I do like who I am (more or less), and I'm not some horribly dejected and jaded person who's given up on life and social interaction altogether, I just never seem to meet the right women to actually get a relationship. I've had two girlfriends, but both were online/long distance, and one of them ended up utterly wasting over 3 years of my life (all of which were in my 20s, no less), and the other I was physically together with for less than 20 days out of almost a year.

So my problem is that my happiness is seriously affected by not having a girlfriend, because I love the intimacy and affection associated with a relationship. The companionship (which is even more important as I don't have many friends). And yet it seems so many people have that, in real life (not online), and can get it so consistently. People who seem to have a new person in their life within a few months of a breakup. The kind who complain if they've been single for 6 months, and for whom a year without sex is unthinkable, much less more than 7 years without sex (which is what I've gone now, unless you count cybersex).

I know people say you shouldn't have your happiness (or even part of it) dependent on someone else, but that's how it is for me. I'm only able to be so happy and content with my life without a girlfriend (who actually meets my needs in a relationship), and the longer I go without one, the less happy and content I am in general. It's part of who I am, and if I'm ever to change it (assuming it's even possible to, and that I'd want to), I need more advice on it than the generic ones I see most places.

Eh, this turned out much more ranty than I intended. But another issue I have is I don't just want ANY girlfriend, I want one I actually share interests with, which is one reason I think I have trouble just going out and approaching every girl I see. My first girlfriend and I had almost nothing in common, which led to the breakup (though being long-distance probably magnified this, though).