How does one write messages on dating sites?

[el Jay]

My desire to piss away time on the lottery that is dating sites seems to ebb and flow, but one thing remains constant: I have a really hard time messaging girls I'm interested in.

Now, in theory, it should be easy: message anyone I have any interest in whatsoever and maybe I'll hit that lucky 1/1000 chance eventually. But the problem is I never really know what to say. I usually notice something about them, in their profile, in their pics (usually if they have a kitty in one of their pics, because I frickin' love cats), but I just can't figure out how to actually convert that observation into a message that I'm not completely too unsure about to send.

End result is that despite finding plenty of girls I think it'd be worth messaging, I only ever actually send a message to a couple of them.

So can anyone help me figure out how best to actually write a message that won't seem creepy or too focused on one thing? If anyone knows how to successfully message people, it'd be a big help. I'm not really sure just why I'm having so much trouble, so hopefully it's just an issue of perspective.

 

[Badjedidude]

Here's what I've learned about messages through online dating sites.

1. Don't just say, "Yo!" or "Wassup?" Women expect at least a paragraph. Or maybe two sentences. But more than one or two words.

2. Don't talk about their boobs. YES, I KNOW THEY POSTED THAT DOWN-THE-SHIRT PIC. But you're not allowed to mention it.

3. You might start by discussing the site itself. This is neutral ground: "What do you think of this site/online dating? Has it worked for you much at all?"

4. Find similar interests. If she says she likes a movie or genre that you like, start there. But don't ask her for an in-depth analysis of an entire series' plotline right off the bat. Just mention that you're a fan of the movie or genre as well.

5. ASK QUESTIONS. Don't vomit out your life story; she doesn't want to hear it. She might not even want to hear it if you end up dating. Go ahead and answer her questions, but by all means avoid talking about yourself. That's what your profile is for. If there's something she wants to know that wasn't on your profile, she'll ask.

That's pretty much all I can think of right now.

 

[kamya]

Here's a post from NerdyGirl from a previous thread about dating sites. It's probably relevant to this thread too so I'm going to repost it.

Nerdygirl do you ever go out of your way to message a guy first? If so what kinds of stuff do you tend to put in the first message? Honestly I find it hard writing to someone you don't even know while trying to be interesting enough to get a reply. Some of the members here have proof of that from me. >>

Or should I say, "What is something that is worth reading?"

Yes, I've written guys first. I almost always send a full paragraph. I introduce myself and make at least one reference to something in particular I like about his profile. Asking questions is helpful, because it allows for a flow of conversation. For example, if I wrote the OP, I would say something like:

"Hi. My name is Nerdygirl. I enjoyed reading your profile. It sounds like you have a real passion for creativity. What kind of music do you play/ write? The only music I don't really like is bluegrass and polka. I do a little voice work as a side job. This includes singing backup for demos and things. It can be a lot of fun, but some customers can be a real pain! Do you record with your computer? If so, I'd love to get a recommendation on an introductory microphone. I've been relying on my headset for a while, but the quality is sub-par."

See, that took me all of three minutes to think up. It doesn't push, "Hey, let's hook up" but it's friendly and provides him with an opportunity to discuss something he is familiar with and will feel comfortable discussing.

The link to that thread. http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=26898

 

[9006]

You'd date someone just because they have a nice cat? .. Shouldn't you be dating the cat, instead?

I think the winning attributes are along the lines of sensible, level headed, humorous, interesting and interested, so as long as you come across that way, It's all good in da hood.

 

[Edward W]

You could message them with 'Does your Kittah haz cheeseburgerz?'

But yeah, Kamya/Nerdygirls post seems the most helpful.

 

[el Jay]

Here's what I've learned about messages through online dating sites.

1. Don't just say, "Yo!" or "Wassup?" Women expect at least a paragraph. Or maybe two sentences. But more than one or two words.

2. Don't talk about their boobs. YES, I KNOW THEY POSTED THAT DOWN-THE-SHIRT PIC. But you're not allowed to mention it.

3. You might start by discussing the site itself. This is neutral ground: "What do you think of this site/online dating? Has it worked for you much at all?"

4. Find similar interests. If she says she likes a movie or genre that you like, start there. But don't ask her for an in-depth analysis of an entire series' plotline right off the bat. Just mention that you're a fan of the movie or genre as well.

5. ASK QUESTIONS. Don't vomit out your life story; she doesn't want to hear it. She might not even want to hear it if you end up dating. Go ahead and answer her questions, but by all means avoid talking about yourself. That's what your profile is for. If there's something she wants to know that wasn't on your profile, she'll ask.

That's pretty much all I can think of right now.

Well, I know better than to do #1 or 2. 3 sounds...a bit odd, I guess?

4 is something I know to do, but what I was asking is more along the lines of HOW to do 4. Do I just pick some shared interest and comment on or ask about it?

And it's funny, because I've specifically gotten advice in the past that is the polar opposite of #5 (suggesting that I not bother asking them questions and focus on myself and what I have to offer).

You'd date someone just because they have a nice cat? .. Shouldn't you be dating the cat, instead?

I think the winning attributes are along the lines of sensible, level headed, humorous, interesting and interested, so as long as you come across that way, It's all good in da hood.

Cats are the meaning of life!

I'm pretty sure I do come across that way, or at least I hope I do. I try to keep my messages on the shorter side, and not just dump a wall of text on them. But my rate of getting replies is still so low that it seems almost pointless to even bother trying, especially since of the 2% of messages that seem to get replies, 95% of them won't have a second reply.

 

[duff]

My desire to piss away time on the lottery that is dating sites seems to ebb and flow, but one thing remains constant: I have a really hard time messaging girls I'm interested in.

Now, in theory, it should be easy: message anyone I have any interest in whatsoever and maybe I'll hit that lucky 1/1000 chance eventually. But the problem is I never really know what to say. I usually notice something about them, in their profile, in their pics (usually if they have a kitty in one of their pics, because I frickin' love cats), but I just can't figure out how to actually convert that observation into a message that I'm not completely too unsure about to send.

End result is that despite finding plenty of girls I think it'd be worth messaging, I only ever actually send a message to a couple of them.

So can anyone help me figure out how best to actually write a message that won't seem creepy or too focused on one thing? If anyone knows how to successfully message people, it'd be a big help. I'm not really sure just why I'm having so much trouble, so hopefully it's just an issue of perspective.

whatever you do it won't be good enough !

 

[9006]

Cats are the meaning of life!

I'm pretty sure I do come across that way, or at least I hope I do. I try to keep my messages on the shorter side, and not just dump a wall of text on them. But my rate of getting replies is still so low that it seems almost pointless to even bother trying, especially since of the 2% of messages that seem to get replies, 95% of them won't have a second reply.

Well this is the thing on dating sites, there's so much variety that it's difficult to stand out, but at least you're getting replies at all!

 

[theraab]

5. ASK QUESTIONS. Don't vomit out your life story; she doesn't want to hear it. She might not even want to hear it if you end up dating. Go ahead and answer her questions, but by all means avoid talking about yourself. That's what your profile is for. If there's something she wants to know that wasn't on your profile, she'll ask.

And it's funny, because I've specifically gotten advice in the past that is the polar opposite of #5 (suggesting that I not bother asking them questions and focus on myself and what I have to offer).

BJD is right about not discussing yourself for two reasons - if she wants to know more about you, she will read your profile; also, it gives her something to talk about if she wants to respond back (rather than making her try to come up with things about what you said about yourself).

Don't make it like an interrogation, but a couple of light questions based on something in her profile - suppose she enjoys live music, you can ask her what the best show she has been to was or is there a show she would really like to see. You can mention - "My favorite live show was the Rolling Stones when I saw them back in 2006" (Yeah, I know, you young whippersnappers don't go to Stones concerts, but you get my point) but don't drone on about your concert experiences.


On a side note, the cat thing is pretty funny. I was on eHarmony and there was an otherwise unattractive girl who was holding a piece of cake (and the cake looked delicious) - I don't really check out that many profiles because eHarmony sends like 5 or 6 a day with no good search features so it become tiresome, but I checked out hers because I thought "wow, she has cake".

 

[Edward W]

"wow, she has cake".

Marry her.

 

[blackdot]

I find writing the 1st message to be the easiest thing about the dating websites.
It's getting a response back that is the hard part.

 

[Moe'sTavern]

2. Don't talk about their boobs. YES, I KNOW THEY POSTED THAT DOWN-THE-SHIRT PIC. But you're not allowed to mention it.

Best line in the whole thread. I couldn't tell you how many profiles I've seen where women write they hate that the first thing people notice about them is their boobs, but one of their main pictures is a down the shirt shot. lol

I find writing the 1st message to be the easiest thing about the dating websites.
It's getting a response back that is the hard part.

pretty much.

 

[Badjedidude]

Best line in the whole thread. I couldn't tell you how many profiles I've seen where women write they hate that the first thing people notice about them is their boobs, but one of their main pictures is a down the shirt shot. lol

I know... it seems really crazy. As a man, if I had six-pack abs on my profile, I would WANT women to notice and comment on it. The dirtier the message, the better. Well... maybe that's just me.

It's really weird that they'd post pics like that and then forbid you to mention them... but that's just sort of the rule with online dating, I guess.

 

[smarty24]

Depends which sites for dating you are using, I am following this guy who 'test' on his blog best dating sites for relationships and / or sex, and got clue what is wrong on some sites... Point is that many fake profiles are there. For me, happens, to write each other for few weeks and then when it is time to met, girl on the another side tell me that 'she' is 'he' actually

 

[Memories]

Wish I could offer some useful advice but I haven't had much luck with dating websites myself. Usually, I try to comment on something in their profile to show that I read it and that I'm interested.

 

[Moe'sTavern]

Wish I could offer some useful advice but I haven't had much luck with dating websites myself. Usually, I try to comment on something in their profile to show that I read it and that I'm interested.

I do that too. You'd be surprised how much that doesn't work.

 

[defenestrate]

No offense to anybody here... Dating websites can be batshit crazy, how the heck can anyone put themselves through that?! lol.

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I would much rather bash my head into a wall, while pulling out my fingernails with pliers, while also listening to hillbilly music. And that says something. Especially since I've been to a hillbilly concert before. Unlike country, this involved a a man yodeling with an impromptu roadkill squirrel. What The Heck. I think that might not be useful advice. I but still believe that online dating can really turn grown men into jaded individuals. Instead of telling people what they mustn't do, I think alternatives are a great idea. You can meet people the in library. There's lots of great single women who volunteer through places like animal shelters. One woman I spoke to volunteered just because she wanted to search for a man who likes pets. You could also arrange something called speed dating from online, and actually speak to people in person rather than be ignored. Just my two cents.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

I apparently sucked at those kinds of messages. When I was on those sites I never got any responses to messages I sent. LOL

 

[el Jay]

I apparently sucked at those kinds of messages. When I was on those sites I never got any responses to messages I sent. LOL

Yeah, that seems to be the general result for guys, it seems. I already figured it's probably just bad luck, but I wanted to be sure I wasn't also doing something wrong.

 

[Moe'sTavern]

I apparently sucked at those kinds of messages. When I was on those sites I never got any responses to messages I sent. LOL

Out of 50 messages I sent, I got one reply back. I refreshed the page a few times to make sure it wasn't a computer glitch.