How the hell do you get into group conversations?

[Pheenix]

I know how to converse one on one, but I never have any input when people quickly form into chunks of three or four. I just stand there and look lost. I really have no idea. Simply topics to talk about or the like isn't enough. I need some sort of fundamental change.

 

[edgecrusher]

i know what you mean. the ony time i can participate is if they are talking about a movie or video game that i have watched or played. a lot of times they are talking about sports or politics or military stuff and i dont know anything about any of that. and i dont want to either honestly. i just kind of sit there feeling out of place as usual. the only thing i can suggest is try to change the subject to something that everyone including you can participate in.

 

[Pheenix]

I'd really like to find out so far, I think its the only thing keeping me from a social life outside of simply getting used to this and that. Its the only thing I need more information on.
Can anyone suggest a place the information might be? I've read a book about conversationalist skills, but it didn't include this info.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
I recall reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" years ago and it had some good pointers in it. You know, a lot of communication between people and in groups is non-verbal. So even if you don't know what to say, you can still make eye contact with whomever is talking, smile a little and laugh here and there, when appropriate, and just generally show an interest in what people are saying. That will get you a long way. I think with a little practice, you will be fine.
There's often little groups chatting at my work and I feel awkward inserting myself in but I make an effort sometimes so people don't think I'm a total loner and weirdo. Even though I embrace my social dorkiness but that's a different story.

Teresa

 

[eris]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I used to hang out with a bunch of backyard lesbian wrestlers. They were so tight-knit that I often had a hard time getting a word in even if they were at my apartment !

What I did was just say weird stuff. Just wait for a break in silence, and ASK QUESTIONS. If you ask something, someone will probably respond, and then a conversation is started.

This can be really hard if you are shy. Just remember that if you are in the circle they obviously dont think youre lame, so just shout it out

And I totally agree with SofiasMami - act interested. Smile and make eye contact. Let them know you are listening.

 

[Pheenix]

I consider myself pretty skilled at active listening, posture and facial expressions. I can put on a genuine smile. But it only works for so long. After a couple of days people realize I never actually say anything in the conversations, and it starts getting awkward.

Why don't I have something to say? Well, usually the conversations are not anywhere within my area of knowledge. They are usually very specific to the group of people who started the conversation. Many times the conversation just has its own flow that doesn't seem interruptable. Like it doesn't need more people.
But mostly, I just feel out of place, and yes, that I don't add anything to the conversation.
The chance that I have input on a topic discussed is 9 to 1.

 

[ThinkPositive]

Pheenix, I have the same problem, but for different reasons.

It's usually not that I don't have anything to say. In fact, I often want to say something but I just can't keep up! I look for a break in the conversation, but if it's a group of chatty people, I have a hard time finding a place to interject. Or I might get out a syllable, but then someone starts talking, or I end up accidentally talking over someone else so I stop. I just feel it would be rude to mow over other people in conversation, so I have a hard time in a group of people conversing together.

In your case though, it sounds like you just need to not worry about it, if you really don't have anything to say. If people aren't talking about something that interests you, or you really don't have anything to add, I don't see any reason to force it. And if this is happening all the time, then you probably aren't hanging out with the right people for you!

 

[Pheenix]

Well, its my class, so I don't have much choice but to hang out with them.
But then again, I am only doing that to increase my social skills so I will be capable in a work environment. I guess if I do have the social skills nailed, but simply don't have much in common with these people, it's okay.

Yeah, I can't find breaks either. That should be an excuse not to say much, but it probably isn't. I just quickly add a comment when more than one person is talking at a time to show my interest.

I think I'll just keep doing relaxation exercises, and keep smiling and showing interest. I guess after a while I will either loosen up and join in or realize that I just don't have much to talk with these people about.

Social life isn't such a big deal after all. Just gotta stay patient and enjoy the quest.

 

[futurecatlady]

Pheenix, I have the same problem, but for different reasons.

It's usually not that I don't have anything to say. In fact, I often want to say something but I just can't keep up! I look for a break in the conversation, but if it's a group of chatty people, I have a hard time finding a place to interject. Or I might get out a syllable, but then someone starts talking, or I end up accidentally talking over someone else so I stop. I just feel it would be rude to mow over other people in conversation, so I have a hard time in a group of people conversing together.

In your case though, it sounds like you just need to not worry about it, if you really don't have anything to say. If people aren't talking about something that interests you, or you really don't have anything to add, I don't see any reason to force it. And if this is happening all the time, then you probably aren't hanging out with the right people for you!

This sounds just like me! It takes me an insane amount of preparation even to open my mouth, but as soon as I start talking, someone inevitably cuts in. Then I'm so nervous and discourage I keep quiet for the rest of the conversation. And if I happen to unintentionally interrupt someone, I quickly trail off. I almost wish everyone would feel the same guilt when interrupting so that they would try harder not to do it.

 

[364ll]

I have the same problem too, my mind always goes blank in group conversations and if somebody tries to ask me a question, it comes out like a mumble, hardly sounding confident.