MisunderstoodVacancy
Well-known member
This is kind of embarrassing but I feel like I can't really connect with anyone because I never have enough of anything I feel prepared or comfortable enough to talk about. I just have a hard time really getting interested in much of anything really. I'd like to have more interests and develop myself more but most of the time I just don't. Like I don't like sports or play video games or watch TV shows or movies much and the main reason for that I guess is poor attention span and not being able to keep my mind on things. I find it hard to really explain what I spend time doing other than mucking around on the internet, being depressed, and letting time pass. I sort of like reading but I still struggle to get myself to do it outside of school. I used to think I was into writing stories but I can never motivate myself to write anything. I'd like to try acting but I don't know how I'd do that. I like to run sometimes. I like music alot, especially hard rock or metal concerts, but I don't know enough about music or different bands to really engage in conversation with people who are into that, mainly because I also go through long periods where I don't really care about music. I have no real significant knowledge about anything. I graduated college but don't really feel qualified to enter the real world and don't have most of the experiences other people my age do. I haven't even been able to find a long term job yet. I just wish I was more developed as person or that I liked or was interested in more things so that I could relate to people and have meaningful conversations. I hate not having interests or not being passionate about anything but I'm not really sure how to fix that. I dislike feeling like I have perpetually nothing to say or contribute to anyone and not wanting to talk to anyone because I'm convinced they will probably judge me for being a nothing. It's like I want to like and be passionate about things but anything that requires conscious attention or careful thought just feels like a drag and too much work. I think I am an idiot and my brain doesn't work well and that I'm incapable of normal human interaction. I want to read more and listen to more good music I like but I struggle to commit myself to these things even though I supposedly enjoy them. I just want to enjoy things and feel less like a vacant apathetic drone. And basically any topic of conversation possible reminds me of how pathetically undeveloped I am as a person and makes me feel inadequate or bad about myself that I can't contribute anything that's not senseless incoherent babbling of an idiotic fool. I just want to feel like a real person and feel interesting and have a rewarding life and feel intelligent and able to hold a conversation. Right now I feel like a ghost of a real person and all I can do is avoid people in shame. How does one go about becoming a better person and developing themselves at such a late stage of life? I'm not old but I feel like I've wasted most of my youth when I could have been developing myself and that I lack the experience and have become disconnected and unable to relate to people my age. I really would like to be better friends with someone if I ever felt able to contribute enough to the friendship conversing.