I almost broke out of the friendzone. Almost.

[GioRocket]

Hello, everybody

So, there's this girl, after spending all my life with no friends when I joined college she was my first real friend. Of course after spending so long without any friends in total loneliness, of course I developed feeling for her, she was my first real crush. Anyway, so that was about 5 years ago now. So as time when on, the crush faded and mellowed but I don't think it ever went away completely. But we have been friends for nearly five years now.

Well, earlier this week, she said she liked me, she said she had liked me for a while. I have never had a girlfriend, nobody has ever said that to me before. I was thrilled! Yay! Woo! We made plans, we had a date, for a few days I actually felt a little good about myself.

So yesterday, I got a text.

"Could we reschedule the date for some point in the future? I had a rough night, I'm still a little raw after my last break up, which was a month ago."

Now, just before the conversation in which she liked me, she said this break up was three months ago and that she was over it. So, I'm gonna assume this text is a lie. Right? I'm also going to assume "some point in the future" means never.

Ok, so, the facts: She said she liked me, she ask if I wanted to go out some time, she did all the "chasing" as it were. Why go back on it? Why would you do all that in the first place if you were "raw" from a break up?

Thanks for reading any help you could provide would be most welcome, like I said, this doesn't happen to me very often x)

 

[ShybutHi]

Women... *rolls eyes*


*prepares himself for slaps and scowls*

 

[beautiful loser]

Women... *rolls eyes*


*prepares himself for slaps and scowls*

My thoughts, exactly!! LMAO Yeah, I'm sure YOU'LL get some rebuttal...leave me out of this

 

[murmi97]

Sounds like she's the type who doesn't know what she wants. It sounds like it's a good idea to not trust her when she says she does want you, if you're aren't strong enough to deal with her uncertainty.

Shy, you might save your face from (a few) slaps by adding "Some" to the beginning of your post.

 

[Tiina63]

Maybe you could give her the benefit of the doubt. Breakups are generally hard to cope with and she might be all at sixes and sevens emotionally over it still. One month or three months, whichever it is, is not a long time at all for recovery. Maybe she chased you because she was feeling really lonely and thought that she was ready for a new relationship but then found that she wasn't. Maybe if you stick around for her for a while and see what happens as she gradually puts her break up behind her she could come to a place emotionally where she really is ready to be with you. However, I wouldn't wait indefinitely, for your own sake. Give it a few months and, if things are the same as they are now, move on then.

 

[Outcast]

Women... *rolls eyes*

^ +1

Sounds pretty indecisive, you might have to do some convincing.

 

[ShybutHi]

She does sound a bit indecisive. What Tiina wrote could very well be the case... A breakup can really play on your emotions, she may not be over that yet, she may have been feeling lonely.
That is not to say that her feelings for you are not true though, maybe she is just unsure about commitment so soon after her breakup.

I think you should definitely play things cool. Certainly don't put any pressure on her as it could ruin everything.

 

[Case]

My gut tells me that this is the classic dismissal where the woman doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but wants to stop things from moving forward. For whatever reason, she doesn't seem to be ready.

If I were you, I'd want to know how long "some point in the future" means. Since I've been in a similar situation, I can say that your only decision at this point is to figure out whether or not it is worth your time to wait for this girl.

It makes no sense to wait if there's nothing to wait for.

 

[kamya]

You'll have to pm me for my take one it. Don't wanna end up getting banned.

Short answer is, your assumptions are most likely spot on.

 

[ladyforsaken]

To look at the bright side of things, at least she didn't lead you on further before postponing the date to nowhere. Maybe she might have developed rebound feelings for you after the break up - you know how people always yearn and crawl to anyone who could fill in that hole after a break up. (Not sure how true this is for everyone, but that's what I experienced at least.)
And in realising that she's probably gonna have you as the "rebound" she stopped it before things go any further. Well, this is just my take on it...

Either way, it's not a very nice experience to go through - I'm sorry it happened to you. :\

 

[Minus]

Women... *rolls eyes*

Dealing with a breakup can be difficult for anyone without regard to gender. Please try to avoid making it a gender issue even if you feel that you are personally immune to the emotional upheaval that such situations can create.

 

[ShybutHi]

Women... *rolls eyes*

Dealing with a breakup can be difficult for anyone without regard to gender. Please try to avoid making it a gender issue even if you feel that you are personally immune to the emotional upheaval that such situations can create.

Humor comes in all shapes and forms. I was commenting in jest because of how stupid stereotypical comments like that on gender roles are. It is called being "cheeky" which happens to be directed to the females on the forum and is in no way insulting unless someone just decides they want to make it insulting, but that could happen to anyone with any post on any topic if someone has some kind of personal issue. The smileys make it blatantly obvious that it was meant in jest.

Everyone else who commented seemed to understand that it was completely made in jest, don't get all serious on my ass please. You are right minus, dealing with a breakup can be very difficult for anyone.

 

[AnotherLonelyGuy]

Ok, so, the facts: She said she liked me, she ask if I wanted to go out some time, she did all the "chasing" as it were. Why go back on it? Why would you do all that in the first place if you were "raw" from a break up?

Thanks for reading any help you could provide would be most welcome, like I said, this doesn't happen to me very often x)

I'm very bad at relationships and dating women, but what I can tell you is that if a woman says anything like "I'm busy/I can't", explanations are irrelevant. The correct translation is: I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. So leave her be. It doesn't matter what she tells you, it matters only what she does. Women do lots of stuff just to get attention: they smile a lot, they ask a lot of stuff, they say a lot of things. But only what they do matters.
Use your logic - if she was attracted to you, she would have insisted that you two meet somewhere.

 

[African_weasel]

Yeah, she would have given an exact time and day to see you. If I was you I would go ahead and try to confirm your suspicions. When she makes another excuse date someone else, with that she might turn around to you. That is a huge if and I don't recommend betting on that probability. I've made the same blunder before and You typically have to give people incentive to be around you.

 

[MrPaul]

Yeah, she would have given an exact time and day to see you. If I was you I would go ahead and try to confirm your suspicions. When she makes another excuse date someone else, with that she might turn around to you. That is a huge if and I don't recommend betting on that probability. I've made the same blunder before and You typically have to give people incentive to be around you.

I would say that's a good way forward

 

[nerdygirl]

You said she's your first real friend, and that you've been friends for five years. So... you should actually have a pretty decent idea of whether or not she's being direct with you. Is she the sort of person who says what she means, or is she the kind of person you have to try to decipher?

There are legit reasons to back out. Maybe she thought she was ready to try a new relationship, and then realized she wasn't. Maybe she thought she liked you, but then realized she only likes you as a friend. Maybe she was just lonely, and then realized she was using you as a rebound. Maybe something happened during that first date that turned her off, and she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she likes you, but she's afraid of losing your friendship if things don't work out.

 

[SofiasMami]

What, pray tell, is a friendzone? I've seen other males use that phrase. Do women go to the friendzone too? Is it a bad place? Does it have its own postal code or can it be seen from the space station? (just kidding on that one )
Seems like it's used to describe a guy who wants to date a woman but can't. Is that it?

-Teresa

 

[kamya]

What, pray tell, is a friendzone? I've seen other males use that phrase. Do women go to the friendzone too? Is it a bad place? Does it have its own postal code or can it be seen from the space station? (just kidding on that one )
Seems like it's used to describe a guy who wants to date a woman but can't. Is that it?

-Teresa

[video=youtube]

Usually the girl is aware that the guy wants more or has already rejected the guy. Sometimes though the guy is too scared to ever make a move and just whines about being in the friendzone instead. Sometimes the girl will exploit the guy while knowing about his feelings. It can be a shitty situation for either person. Depends on the people. Girls can be friendzoned. Some people like to say it doesn't exist but those people are idiots.

 

[painter's radio]

Maybe you could give her the benefit of the doubt. Breakups are generally hard to cope with and she might be all at sixes and sevens emotionally over it still. One month or three months, whichever it is, is not a long time at all for recovery. Maybe she chased you because she was feeling really lonely and thought that she was ready for a new relationship but then found that she wasn't. Maybe if you stick around for her for a while and see what happens as she gradually puts her break up behind her she could come to a place emotionally where she really is ready to be with you. However, I wouldn't wait indefinitely, for your own sake. Give it a few months and, if things are the same as they are now, move on then.

I think it's probably this ^

3 months? lol takes me 3 years to recover.

Friendzones are great. Please, put me in them.

 

[Revengineer]

What, pray tell, is a friendzone? I've seen other males use that phrase. Do women go to the friendzone too? Is it a bad place? Does it have its own postal code or can it be seen from the space station? (just kidding on that one )
Seems like it's used to describe a guy who wants to date a woman but can't. Is that it?

-Teresa

Well, I would describe the friend zone as an emotion more than a phenomenon. Because guys are socially conditioned to be the initiator of relationships, they are more prone to experiencing rejection which can lead to the feeling that they are "owed" affection, even when the woman simply isn't interested.

So basically you're right on the money.