I am a ghost.

[secondplace]

The other day I had a panic attack.

I was walking through London alone, in the Oxford Circus area, and I was just so overwhelmed by complete and total self-loathing that I just wanted to fall to my knees and scream and cry and rip myself apart right there.

It happens more often than you'd think.

It's not like I have nothing going for me. I've been told I'm nice, talented, funny, pretty. Once, even, as I lay naked on my bed, my lover ran his fingers down the white skin of my chest and stomach and told me in a hushed voice that I was truly beautiful.

He's long gone now. So are the rest of them.

I think there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Something repulsive living inside of me that people recognize instantly. That's why I have no one. The few people who have loved me saw the thing in the end, and that's why I'm alone now.

I have no family, no friends, no future. I wander around alone, pretending I have somewhere to go. I sit alone in coffeeshops, glancing at my watch and pretending I'm meeting someone. I've even sunk so low as to carry on fake conversations into my phone so that people won't guess that I have no one to talk to.

I think some people are put on this earth to feel the pain that others never have to. They are born with a sickness inside them that makes the world hate them, so that the world will know the difference between hate and love. Or does that sound too Christ-complex to you?

"Those who should love me walk right through me/I am a ghost/And as far as I know/ I haven't even died."
-Morrisey

 

[Guest]

The other day I had a panic attack.

I think there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Something repulsive living inside of me that people recognize instantly. That's why I have no one. The few people who have loved me saw the thing in the end, and that's why I'm alone now.

I have no family, no friends, no future. I wander around alone, pretending I have somewhere to go. I sit alone in coffeeshops, glancing at my watch and pretending I'm meeting someone. I've even sunk so low as to carry on fake conversations into my phone so that people won't guess that I have no one to talk to.

Hello! I just wanted to reply to you...
I don't think this "repulsive thing" exists at all.
so here is a hug =)
*hugs*

 

[shinojuly]

what u said made me think of a song,

Tom's dinner

 

[Guest]

If you are instantly repulsive, why did you lover run his fingers over you and tell you you are truly beautiful? Go to the doctor and have your thyroid tested. I'd stay away from anti-depressants. I don't trust them, but sometimes a physical illness like a low thyroid can play tricks on you. Low thyroid is very heavily associated with depression and symptoms of low self-esteem. Actually, have an entire physical. Make sure you are healthy. And the next time you are tempted to judge yourself so harshly, look around. What makes the people around you so great. They are just people; just like you. If there is something fundamentally wrong with you, then maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with all of us.

 

[Guest]

Hello there,

Believe me when I say that there is nothing wrong with you as a person that could possibly repel others from you. Please, I urge you to go see the doctor and get your thyroid tested as suggested by Guest. I was mildly hypothyroid and anemic a few years ago. The two combined took a serious toll on my self worth and my character. I was depressed, unconfident, and easily irritated. I didn't even realize what was happening to me. I dismissed my change in character as my own faults, when I truly had no control over them.. It's hard to see things when you're in that mess. What is in your control, however, is going to see your doctor. This issue clearly affects the whole of your life. It's not worth it to spend the one life you're given that way.

I am very sorry that you have to go through this tough time on your own. My heart bleeds to hear you say those things about yourself. It reminds me of the hard times I have had to face. I have felt those same feeling and I am ok today. It doesn't get better quick, but I will get better with time. Keep strong and take care.

 

[iny_75]

the only thing i advise u to put ur trust in some kind person to see ur self in his owneyes .... i think u kind person just need a faith

 

[Vector]

The other day I had a panic attack.

I was walking through London alone, in the Oxford Circus area, and I was just so overwhelmed by complete and total self-loathing that I just wanted to fall to my knees and scream and cry and rip myself apart right there.

It happens more often than you'd think.

It's not like I have nothing going for me. I've been told I'm nice, talented, funny, pretty. Once, even, as I lay naked on my bed, my lover ran his fingers down the white skin of my chest and stomach and told me in a hushed voice that I was truly beautiful.

He's long gone now. So are the rest of them.

I think there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Something repulsive living inside of me that people recognize instantly. That's why I have no one. The few people who have loved me saw the thing in the end, and that's why I'm alone now.

I have no family, no friends, no future. I wander around alone, pretending I have somewhere to go. I sit alone in coffeeshops, glancing at my watch and pretending I'm meeting someone. I've even sunk so low as to carry on fake conversations into my phone so that people won't guess that I have no one to talk to.

I think some people are put on this earth to feel the pain that others never have to. They are born with a sickness inside them that makes the world hate them, so that the world will know the difference between hate and love. Or does that sound too Christ-complex to you?

"Those who should love me walk right through me/I am a ghost/And as far as I know/ I haven't even died."
-Morrisey

guys, i dont think Econdplace were asking for advises.
Econdplace, I have always felt the same!  i was always asking myself the same!  i always thought i have probelms because of this thing. i always asked why i'm not just as normal as others.   *smiles* when you said about sitting in the tea shops and that.   i used to go out in the weekend at nights, just to go and walk alone across the river! near an old bridge!  my flatmates thinks of me having fun out there while i'm walking in that place, thinkin, and askin. looking to the river flowing in endless path..............
it's strange. very stange.

 

[sweetviki]

I think in order to establish relationships and and move forward in life you have to look deep inside yourself and fugure out why you feel this self hatred. The 'thing' inside you that you refered to is only a product of your own mind and you have to figure out why it's there and work on fixing it.  Remember that in order to have someone love you, care about you and resepct you, you must first love care and respect yourself. It sounds like you have demons you havent openly dealt so take some time for self reflection and remeber that you had love and people once in your life but it changed and all you have to do is figure out why. It's not that something is wrong with you but the fact that you percieve yourself in a negative way is whats causing the problems. It's not easy to do all those things but you just got to try and it will all work out

 

[rokher1]

The other day I had a panic attack.

I was walking through London alone, in the Oxford Circus area, and I was just so overwhelmed by complete and total self-loathing that I just wanted to fall to my knees and scream and cry and rip myself apart right there.

It happens more often than you'd think.

It's not like I have nothing going for me. I've been told I'm nice, talented, funny, pretty. Once, even, as I lay naked on my bed, my lover ran his fingers down the white skin of my chest and stomach and told me in a hushed voice that I was truly beautiful.

He's long gone now. So are the rest of them.

I think there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Something repulsive living inside of me that people recognize instantly. That's why I have no one. The few people who have loved me saw the thing in the end, and that's why I'm alone now.

I have no family, no friends, no future. I wander around alone, pretending I have somewhere to go. I sit alone in coffeeshops, glancing at my watch and pretending I'm meeting someone. I've even sunk so low as to carry on fake conversations into my phone so that people won't guess that I have no one to talk to.

I think some people are put on this earth to feel the pain that others never have to. They are born with a sickness inside them that makes the world hate them, so that the world will know the difference between hate and love. Or does that sound too Christ-complex to you?

"Those who should love me walk right through me/I am a ghost/And as far as I know/ I haven't even died."
-Morrisey

 

[Guest]

Aw man. Just reading that broke my heart... I've never been that lonely.. and I don't even know what to say to that.

I know it must be really hard.. but please.. don't blame yourself.. especially calling yourself this diseased thing, having the world hate you.. I mean I'm part of the world and i certainly don't hate you even though you've literally laid bare your soul.

I don't know how to make people come talk to you, or become your friends, but don't atleast become so critical of yourself. This is the whole capitalization problem, it alienates people.. and when that is complete, you turn on yourself. Ugh. I'm not even making any sense.

But i guess what i'm trying to say is... it's not you.. don't hate yourself. It's hard and it sucks, but at least you have yourself! Love you for a start..

hope things get better!

 

[secondplace]

I don't know who left that comment yesterday, but thank you... <3

 

[Guest]

I don't know who left that comment yesterday, but thank you... <3

My pleasure