SnakesAndAdders
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- Jan 5, 2015
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Please can somebody help me, I've just about had enough. This is probably going to be very long winded, infantile and horrible, but I need to get it out somewhere and I want it to be anonymous so I am just going to post it here. You don't have to read it but I really could do with some sympathy or something at least.
Everywhere I go, I always worry that everyone hates me. Most people act like they really like me and at the time I am talking to them I feel fine, but the second they turn away I feel like they hate me and are laughing behind my back. I am convinced that I can hear people talking about me wherever I go, judging and hating me. In class earlier I got in and heard people at the door saying 'look at [my full name],...' I didn't hear the rest and I don't know if it was in my head or not, but this happens all the time, there are always voices talking about me and they are never friendly. There are times when I barely even talk at school because I think that nobody wants to hear it, and let's face it, why would they? I am just so scared that everyone hates me...
I only really have one best friend in my year group and I think we have gone through quite a lot together (our other best friend started blanking us and left us just like that last year which really got us both down a lot and probably didn't help my confidence). While other friends come and go, she alone has stayed. And yet, I still worry that she hates me but feels like she has to stay. Why would she like me? We have another friend that she has known since primary and I have known since I started in year 7 (we're in year 10 now) that is always so immature and hard to be around as she claims she has depression and anxiety and stuff to get attention and if if I don't pay her attention when she interrupts me talking to someone else then she starts having 'panic attacks' and blames me for her 'depression and anxiety'. She tends poke and pinch me and stuff, and does this thing where she hits me in the face and it always gives me a headache. One time, she did the face smack thing on me and I kind of elbowed her back because I was just trying to work and it was really annoying and she got in a huge mood with me and started crying and writing things like 'I want to die everyone hates me' on her hands. When the lesson was over, she went around telling everyone some warped tale that I had been horrible to her and now she might want to commit suicide. It really got to me and it is things like that that have added to me being really upset when I'm around her. In the end we got in touch with the school because I was just miserable all the time and my head of year wanted to have a friendly discussion with us both to find a solution for both of us. She (my friend) made a huge deal, saying that she refused and wasn't budging and she was 'coping fine on her own' but I had ruined it for her and all those sort of things; the long shot was, nothing was sorted out. It got to a point where I didn't really want to go into school (luckily, it has got a bit better) but even now, the thought of her makes me really upset and angry at what she has put me through. I even struggle go to the toilet when I'm at school (last term, I never went until I got home) because I am still so anxious in that environment. Although she's my other 'best friend' I don't see her as such, I only see her as someone that has really damaged me. I know I sound incredibly mean and horrible, and I absolutely hate myself for it, but I am just fed up with feeling this way. I was strong but she has broken me.
I have quite a few friends in the year below me that I know from the library, and we get on really well. I have fancied one of them for nearly two years now, and I used to think we had a chance, but now I'm just paranoid that he hates me. There was a big thing about us being together and everyone kept trying to set us up and saying we were a good couple and stuff, and although at first I thought it was because they genuinely did like us together and he liked me I'm now just terrified that it was only a thing because he hated me and they just did it to annoy him. The more I think about it, the more I make myself think that they all hate me; there are tiny things that just seem normal but if I think about it then I put them together to form a massive thing that they all secretly hate me and laugh about me behind my back. My friend (the one from my year that I actually like) and I go to the library at lunch to see them but I always go in worrying that they don't like me and want me to go. They all act like they really like me (the guy that I like always kind of disappears off and although at first I thought it meant he liked me too, I have realised he is probably just embarrassed to see me and sick of the sight of me. When nobody else around he talks to me in a nice kind of polite way, probably taking the mick though) but I am always paranoid that they don't and they're just talking to me and joking with me to be sarcastic or because they feel like they have to. I don't think they would, it's not in their nature as they're lovely people, but then why would they like me?
Aagh, this post is just turning into an infantile, typical hormonal teenager's immature mess! How can I express the pain I sometimes feel? When it comes, it comes in torrents of sadness that make me wonder why I'm even alive, why anyone even bothers with me; and yet, it can't be often enough for it to be depression as I typically only have huge mood swings once or twice a week. Little things build up, little bits of paranoia, little snippets of people probably talking about me, and then I do something little and stupid that just tips me over the edge. The problem is, when I do have these mood swings it gets really bad. I am kind of scared of them because somehow in those furious angers I have managed to plan out how to commit suicide. The thought of it terrifies me, I don't want to die; and yet, when I'm in one of those moods, it is always there, this knowledge that if I wanted to I could just overdose, drift out slowly and painlessly and be free at last. I don't want a bloody death, I don't want a painful death: I don't want to die at all, but once I get to a certain point I feel like I should. I don't cut myself or anything and I have gone past that stupid phase where I scratched or bit my arms, legs and hands in a blind rage when I was in one of those moods: while it used to be a burning anger that could only be taken out on myself, it has now just turned into a hopelessness and self hatred. No, I don't want to self harm or kill myself, but there are just things there in my head trying to convince me otherwise: I can often feel things on my wrist, can imagine a knife or a razor cutting through my veins even when I don't want to. This is one of my biggest tormentors and I can go for minutes on end where I just close my eyes and hold my wrists, hoping for it to be over. I just want to block it out but I sometimes have random episodes where I just sit there trying to ignore the phantom weapons on my wrists.
When I'm happy, I'm very happy: there is nothing wrong with my home life, my family is all together and I have a very good relationship with them. My parents know about how I think I hear people talk about me and how I am often scared that people hate me, but I haven't told them about how I sometimes think about how I would kill myself and how I get these feelings on my wrists. I don't want them to worry about me as I have already probably put too much pressure on them by telling them about my worries at school. I just don't know what I can do any more, I am sometimes (like now, for instance) worried that one time one of my stupid freak outs will actually lead to me harming myself. Is this normal? Please tell me it is. My mum has already asked me if I want to see a doctor if I think I'm depressed or something, but I said no. I just don't want to make a big scene and I don't want her to know that when I'm having a mood swing I think about killing myself. This is the only place I have told my full story because I don't want to worry anyone close to me but I'm at a loss nonetheless. Is there any advice you can give me on how to control my moodswings (if that's what they are, I don't even know any more) or stop hearing people talking about me? How can I get rid of these voices that terrorise me, this constant fear that nobody even likes me? I don't want to be like this, I appear bright and confident on the surface and nobody except my mum and dad know how I really feel but I still feel pain inside. What can I do? Anything? Or am I just a stupid hormonal childish teenager?
Thank you so much for reading, I know you are going to think I'm pathetic and not worth your time but I am so grateful that you have even read up to here anyway. If you can think of something then please please let me know. I am willing to do whatever it takes, if you think here is something I could do then let me know. Thank you.
Oh gosh, I just realised how long this was, I am sorry it was so ranty. Already I'm feeling a bit better (as you probably noticed, that was written towards the end of one of my freak outs, at the point where you just feel weak, tired and hopeless). I should be better for another few days (although I still feel paranoid all the time) before something else comes along and knocks me down again. But thank you for reading this, it have meant a lot for me. If you have any sort of coping strategies or advice then I would be very grateful to hear them.
Oh gosh, I just realised how long this was, I am sorry it was so ranty. Already I'm feeling a bit better (as you probably noticed, that was written towards the end of one of my freak outs, at the point where you just feel weak, tired and hopeless). I should be better for another few days (although I still feel paranoid all the time) before something else comes along and knocks me down again. But thank you for reading this, it have meant a lot for me. If you have any sort of coping strategies or advice then I would be very grateful to hear them.
Everywhere I go, I always worry that everyone hates me. Most people act like they really like me and at the time I am talking to them I feel fine, but the second they turn away I feel like they hate me and are laughing behind my back. I am convinced that I can hear people talking about me wherever I go, judging and hating me. In class earlier I got in and heard people at the door saying 'look at [my full name],...' I didn't hear the rest and I don't know if it was in my head or not, but this happens all the time, there are always voices talking about me and they are never friendly. There are times when I barely even talk at school because I think that nobody wants to hear it, and let's face it, why would they? I am just so scared that everyone hates me...
I only really have one best friend in my year group and I think we have gone through quite a lot together (our other best friend started blanking us and left us just like that last year which really got us both down a lot and probably didn't help my confidence). While other friends come and go, she alone has stayed. And yet, I still worry that she hates me but feels like she has to stay. Why would she like me? We have another friend that she has known since primary and I have known since I started in year 7 (we're in year 10 now) that is always so immature and hard to be around as she claims she has depression and anxiety and stuff to get attention and if if I don't pay her attention when she interrupts me talking to someone else then she starts having 'panic attacks' and blames me for her 'depression and anxiety'. She tends poke and pinch me and stuff, and does this thing where she hits me in the face and it always gives me a headache. One time, she did the face smack thing on me and I kind of elbowed her back because I was just trying to work and it was really annoying and she got in a huge mood with me and started crying and writing things like 'I want to die everyone hates me' on her hands. When the lesson was over, she went around telling everyone some warped tale that I had been horrible to her and now she might want to commit suicide. It really got to me and it is things like that that have added to me being really upset when I'm around her. In the end we got in touch with the school because I was just miserable all the time and my head of year wanted to have a friendly discussion with us both to find a solution for both of us. She (my friend) made a huge deal, saying that she refused and wasn't budging and she was 'coping fine on her own' but I had ruined it for her and all those sort of things; the long shot was, nothing was sorted out. It got to a point where I didn't really want to go into school (luckily, it has got a bit better) but even now, the thought of her makes me really upset and angry at what she has put me through. I even struggle go to the toilet when I'm at school (last term, I never went until I got home) because I am still so anxious in that environment. Although she's my other 'best friend' I don't see her as such, I only see her as someone that has really damaged me. I know I sound incredibly mean and horrible, and I absolutely hate myself for it, but I am just fed up with feeling this way. I was strong but she has broken me.
I have quite a few friends in the year below me that I know from the library, and we get on really well. I have fancied one of them for nearly two years now, and I used to think we had a chance, but now I'm just paranoid that he hates me. There was a big thing about us being together and everyone kept trying to set us up and saying we were a good couple and stuff, and although at first I thought it was because they genuinely did like us together and he liked me I'm now just terrified that it was only a thing because he hated me and they just did it to annoy him. The more I think about it, the more I make myself think that they all hate me; there are tiny things that just seem normal but if I think about it then I put them together to form a massive thing that they all secretly hate me and laugh about me behind my back. My friend (the one from my year that I actually like) and I go to the library at lunch to see them but I always go in worrying that they don't like me and want me to go. They all act like they really like me (the guy that I like always kind of disappears off and although at first I thought it meant he liked me too, I have realised he is probably just embarrassed to see me and sick of the sight of me. When nobody else around he talks to me in a nice kind of polite way, probably taking the mick though) but I am always paranoid that they don't and they're just talking to me and joking with me to be sarcastic or because they feel like they have to. I don't think they would, it's not in their nature as they're lovely people, but then why would they like me?
Aagh, this post is just turning into an infantile, typical hormonal teenager's immature mess! How can I express the pain I sometimes feel? When it comes, it comes in torrents of sadness that make me wonder why I'm even alive, why anyone even bothers with me; and yet, it can't be often enough for it to be depression as I typically only have huge mood swings once or twice a week. Little things build up, little bits of paranoia, little snippets of people probably talking about me, and then I do something little and stupid that just tips me over the edge. The problem is, when I do have these mood swings it gets really bad. I am kind of scared of them because somehow in those furious angers I have managed to plan out how to commit suicide. The thought of it terrifies me, I don't want to die; and yet, when I'm in one of those moods, it is always there, this knowledge that if I wanted to I could just overdose, drift out slowly and painlessly and be free at last. I don't want a bloody death, I don't want a painful death: I don't want to die at all, but once I get to a certain point I feel like I should. I don't cut myself or anything and I have gone past that stupid phase where I scratched or bit my arms, legs and hands in a blind rage when I was in one of those moods: while it used to be a burning anger that could only be taken out on myself, it has now just turned into a hopelessness and self hatred. No, I don't want to self harm or kill myself, but there are just things there in my head trying to convince me otherwise: I can often feel things on my wrist, can imagine a knife or a razor cutting through my veins even when I don't want to. This is one of my biggest tormentors and I can go for minutes on end where I just close my eyes and hold my wrists, hoping for it to be over. I just want to block it out but I sometimes have random episodes where I just sit there trying to ignore the phantom weapons on my wrists.
When I'm happy, I'm very happy: there is nothing wrong with my home life, my family is all together and I have a very good relationship with them. My parents know about how I think I hear people talk about me and how I am often scared that people hate me, but I haven't told them about how I sometimes think about how I would kill myself and how I get these feelings on my wrists. I don't want them to worry about me as I have already probably put too much pressure on them by telling them about my worries at school. I just don't know what I can do any more, I am sometimes (like now, for instance) worried that one time one of my stupid freak outs will actually lead to me harming myself. Is this normal? Please tell me it is. My mum has already asked me if I want to see a doctor if I think I'm depressed or something, but I said no. I just don't want to make a big scene and I don't want her to know that when I'm having a mood swing I think about killing myself. This is the only place I have told my full story because I don't want to worry anyone close to me but I'm at a loss nonetheless. Is there any advice you can give me on how to control my moodswings (if that's what they are, I don't even know any more) or stop hearing people talking about me? How can I get rid of these voices that terrorise me, this constant fear that nobody even likes me? I don't want to be like this, I appear bright and confident on the surface and nobody except my mum and dad know how I really feel but I still feel pain inside. What can I do? Anything? Or am I just a stupid hormonal childish teenager?
Thank you so much for reading, I know you are going to think I'm pathetic and not worth your time but I am so grateful that you have even read up to here anyway. If you can think of something then please please let me know. I am willing to do whatever it takes, if you think here is something I could do then let me know. Thank you.
Oh gosh, I just realised how long this was, I am sorry it was so ranty. Already I'm feeling a bit better (as you probably noticed, that was written towards the end of one of my freak outs, at the point where you just feel weak, tired and hopeless). I should be better for another few days (although I still feel paranoid all the time) before something else comes along and knocks me down again. But thank you for reading this, it have meant a lot for me. If you have any sort of coping strategies or advice then I would be very grateful to hear them.
Oh gosh, I just realised how long this was, I am sorry it was so ranty. Already I'm feeling a bit better (as you probably noticed, that was written towards the end of one of my freak outs, at the point where you just feel weak, tired and hopeless). I should be better for another few days (although I still feel paranoid all the time) before something else comes along and knocks me down again. But thank you for reading this, it have meant a lot for me. If you have any sort of coping strategies or advice then I would be very grateful to hear them.