I am fed up...And though I have no options, I wish I had some...

[DJ ML]

Firstly, I apologize I haven't logged in much at all this summer. But I have been so ridiculously busy with college preparations and trying to sort things out that I honestly don't have time anymore. From studying to my Math Placement test, to my bad neighborhood, to having to stop everything I'm doing everyday to pick up my father from work since he isn't legally allowed to drive, to how I don't have anyone to depend on in my life...It's...Just too much...

Don't misunderstand me. It's not stress from "doing things" that bothers me. Oh hell no. I'm sure that'll be the case once I start college, however. But, for now, no. I actually enjoy to stay busy. So...It's just, I'm pretty upset right now...For those of you who post often, you probably remember all my past threads about how I unfailry lost virtually all my friends and don't have much of a family to depend on...Well, that's what's upsetting me...

It's pathetic. I actually ENJOY staying VERY busy to keep my mind off of those things...I always have to be doing something...But I'm so tired of how worthless I feel. No matter how busy I am, that never seem's to escape me...My family, honestly, doesn't like me. I'm sick and goddamn tired of going to counseling with my father to "patch things up before you leave for school". I AM DONE. I don't want a relationship. He in all honesty, STILL does NOT understand me and how I see things and he absolutely never will. Nor does he want to. The counselor is trying to open him up to my views and opinions but he is far too stubborn. He is wasting his money and the counselor is only going along with it, honestly, because he is getting paid. I have no desire to have a relationship with him. And my Mother's insane pescimism is too much to handle. She's an unhealthy influence on me. And my sister is a pompous, self righteous bigot with her head up her ass. Ever since she left for college, she's suddenly "above" everyone...I'm sick of the people around me. And since Alex is my only friend anymore, I don't have anyone else in my life...Everyone is gone...

Alex and I are still phenomenal friends. But, we don't hang as much as we'd like because of my schedule...I can tell it upsets him, but he doesn't show it because he probably thinks it'd come off like he's my wife or something hahahahaha. A girl and I are talking, sort of. Her name is Jessica. I feel bad because I don't always text her back because I'm busy, but she always tries to keep conversations going. I can tell she's at least interested. However, the past 2 days she hasn't really been talking to me....Ughhh.......

I'd like to tell myself "look forward to collge" but I might not even be able to go now because I might not get a loan after all...I feel hopeless and so unwanted...And I still can't find a job....

Idk wtf to do....

 

[Lonesome Crow]

okay...this is just my experince with certain challanges in my life.
It was a bit confusing at first becuase I had to veiw life from a different perspective.
OF course..it took sometype of bottom from me to get to the piont of being sick and
tired of being sick and tired.

I had to sit for a while and take a long hard look at myself and everything that was
going around me.

For most of my life I worked hard, studied hard, and party hard.
I married the most beautiful woman, drove a fancy sports car, lived in a nice place
had a great source of income...However, somewhere alone the line I still felt an emptiness
inside of me. I still felt I was never good enough no matter what I did.
Everything that I thought and was tuaght of being a responsible man left me lonly, empty
and stressed out. The more people, places and things I had in my life..the more fear I felt
of losing them.

Staying bussied all the time...whether it was sex, work, partying, relationships...etc
was just a sort of escape. I thought if I achived all those things...it would remove
my deeper pains. Getting accepted..getting praised.
Sometimes being an over achiever. Sometimes people pleasing.

Nothing..absolutly nothing from outside of me..cure me of the pains in side of me.
The beautiful wife, my duagther, the money, frienships., even the people that's closest
to me that I love very much didn't take away that pain.

It was like I was constantly chasing the fucken carrot on a stick in front of me.
Sometime when I go through the process of working though and find my way through
the mazz of life...when I got to the end, It was like someone moved the fucken cheese.
A constant treadmill...

It was like i had a big hole inside of me and nothing of this world could possibly fill it
with lasting fullfilment. I was a fucken living and walking donut.

I have to get right with me. I had to learn how to accept myself.
I had to learn how to let go of the pain I had inside of me.
I had to learn how to love myself. I felt guilty for doing that.
I had to learn that I was complete and whole already....and try to accept that.
Practice accepting this and knowing this...
Which is a totally opposite conception I grew up with. It blew my fucken mind.

I had to learn how to do that happiness is an inside job.
I had to work on my self esteem...which was kind of retarded if I looked on the surface becuase I had
everything going for me...so it seems.

It wasn't easy and I didn't change over night.
Sometimes I found myself doing the samething again and again...such as getting into more relationships
and working my ass off again. Then everything blows up in my face again.
It dosn't happen overnight...that's what baffling about it.

I found myself falling in love with women that had the same triats as my father.
I can't blame my father...but my relationship coloured my perceptions of life.
The closest I can explain it is...I have the 13 basic traits of an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic.
One of the most commond trait is being an over achiever or an under achiever.
A healthy relationhip with a woman is confussing for me. Love and pain is one of the same.
It's like I'm expecting honeysuckle to fresia up and blow up in my face no matter how hard I try.
The harder I try the more it fucken fucks up...So I do nothing...which is still messed up.
Nothing is ever good enough whether I do good or fresia up...
My father would tell me..I didn't fresia up good enough and stuff like that.
He critized me for fucken breathing and being alive...That's how I process life.

I had to accept that....Truth..so I can get well. I process life all messed up and have
traits and habits developed over the years. Bascailly try to reparent myself.
It was like I had a fucken virus in my brain which felt like a sleether sometimes.

Someone introduced me to a conception of the INNER CHILD so that I might have sometype
of living tools or program for me to heal. Sometimes it feels like there a little boy inside of me
that's been beaten, battered, abused and no one took cared of him.
Other times it's like the kid inside of me that'll act out. I become definace and just fresia honeysuckle up
for the sake of ******* honeysuckle up...Just hoping dad would just love and hole me no matter how much
I messed up. That all I ever wanted from any women...just for her to love and hold me.
That's the fucken pains I can't resovled. Why can't my father just love me and accept me ?
Bascailly I sabatage relationships with women just to test her love for me.
Becuase after the money, sex or honey moon....I want love. I just need to know a woman will love me inspite
of me..Which is too much expectations. Most women are like ..ERRRR wtf is up with this dude ??
mmmm...I do the damnest thing..such as flirt in front of my GF with other women knowing she's watching
or she might have jealousy issues. Fire in fucken paradize.

I had to stop looking for love from my father and women.
I had to learn to love myself at the core and heal that kid.
Being responsible at the core and taking myself out of the victim role.

The more I love myself and work though my problems or issues the happier I became.
My self esteem got better. My mental and emotional state isn't dictated by outside forces as much.
I didn't need to run around or stayed bussied all the time to run away from me.
I'm setting goals for myself...not what my father wants me to do nor what I think my ex-wf, ex-gf or future
gf wants me to do. I'm learning to be okay with me and if there's people in my life that I deem not
healthy for me to form a relatiopship with..I can simple chose not to without feeling guilty or shameful.
In other words I don't have to people please anymore to be okay with me...whether I feel unwanted or not.

I'm learning to say "NO" and cut people out of my life ....which is a mile stone for me.
I'm don't think I can't find more friends nor make anymore friends or find another gf today.
I don't feel desperate nor lost and alone today. I have me...
I have my higher power. I have friends here. I have some friends in real life.

I'm still looking forward to returning back to college again. It's one of my goals. It might not
happen over night or exaclty as I planed but I'm not giving up on myself today.
I came too far just to be here. I keep a positive attitude. I work my program.
Sometimes I'll just listen to some Self Confidence, Self esteem, Healing...etc MP3 files all day long
Whatever it takes for me to not sink into depression or revert back to my old ways of thinking or behavior patterns.

 

[SophiaGrace]

did you get to go to college afterall?