I am not even sure what to write?

[VictoryNotVengeance]

I guess this is my story as to why I'm here. Be prepared for somewhat of a novel of random things. I have ADD so I will jump around a lot.

I have always been a loner since I was young. I never had a lot of friends growing up (still don't), and relationships: don't even get me started on those. Thinking about all my bad relationships just makes me feel depressed and hopeless. I'll just save that for another time. I think I only have enough mental energy to write in this post for now. Also, beware I tend to repeat myself. It's just how I write. :<

Have any of you ever gotten so sick of thinking about how lonely or messed up your life is that you just get tired of writing or talking about it? That's how I have been feeling for months now.

I've had self-esteem, depression, and social anxiety issues since eighth grade (I'm 26 now). It's weird, because some people always mention about how confident I seem because of how much I joke around, how open minded I am and how I wear my heart on my sleeve, but the reality is that inside I am screaming for a sense of normalcy.

My self-esteem issues and depression stems from a lot of things. My father used to beat me and call me horrible names. He used to say to my mother "Why couldn't you give me a normal son?!" Whenever I think about him saying that I get depressed. He is referring to the fact that I am blind in my right eye (moderate vision in my left, but still bad) and have ADD, minor OCD and Tourettes. I never had an interest in sports, which is something he always wanted and even tried to force me to do.

Due to my disability, it's always made me feel somewhat inadequate. I live at home with my family still which makes me embarrassed to admit. Finding a job is stressful and depressing because the minute people hear I am legally blind, they automatically think "retarded". Another drawback of my disability is that I cannot drive which is just a pain in the ass within itself. I'd have women leave me because of it or their family make fun of me behind my back. It's always something that has made me self-conscious.

During high school was when a lot of my problems started surfacing. I've been to numerous psychologists over the years and they did little to help. I've also had night terrors since I was 12 and I am thankfully on medication for them now. Over the years I've dealt with bouts of depression, sadness, and suicidal thoughts. I don't think I'd have the stomach to end my life, but it's crossed my mind from time to time. I don't really have a lot of friends at all, and the ones I do have are mostly online and don't live around here. I met them through social networking sites and on online RPGs.

My life basically revolves around playing video games, drawing, reading, looking for work and looking for a relationship. I don't go out much but I do have two close friends who live near me. My one friend and I go midnight bowling a lot and my other friend I've known for 20 years and he and I are like brothers. He and I usually will smoke a J and play video games together.

I find it hard to make new friends or approach people in person because I have little to no self-confidence (this also stems into why I feel it's so hard to approach women except on a dating site or online, which I also will add I have a fear of rejection).

I bet you all think I'm insane. :<

 

[Zetsubou-Sensei]

Well, for a start, you definitely don't sound insane.
The only advice I can really give is that, in terms of relationships (or even friendships), you probably need to ask yourself whether you really want friends (or more than that), who would reject someone or make fun of someone (well, I know that in your example, that was just the family, but anyway) like yourself. Consider it a way of weeding out the people who, in the long term, you would be unlikely to be good friends (or more) with. And I know that reasoning like that often doesn't help too much with fears of rejection or isolation, but it's better than nothing.
Pointless as such an instruction may be, try your best to be more confident, and you'll find that the sort of people you want to meet will be more drawn to you.
Hope I could be of help.

 

[marigold]

Hello! I don't think you're insane and I really sorry for you because I know exactly what you mean! I know that every single word you said about your life is true and I wanna you to know you're not the only one and you're not alone in your loneliness and sadness! ****, all of that is so sad, I know that 'cause it's so familiar.. If you ever feel lonely again feel free to writre me, I'll be glad to talk to you and you can write me also on skype, marigold_lone, although I don't login there often, but you can send me request, I'll be glad if we chat sometimes! See ya!