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wallflower79
Guest
I will try and make this short... I always sort of knew, but I never really before came fully to the acceptance that I am the cause of my own loneliness, and even now I have trouble accepting the fact. I am very hostile to new people, possibly due to my PTSD and being bullied growing up--both in school and in my home-and when I do make friends, my mind starts running away with me with all of these paranoid ideas of how they secretly hate me and want to ruin me and my reputation. I don't know what I am waiting for, and what I am really comparing my friendships to -- it's like I had a past life where I was normal and I had loyal trustworthy friends, but what's weird is that ever since I could remember I have always been shy and reserved. And when I do get close to someone I end up pushing them away for reasons even I myself don't understand. I wish I wasn't so broken in this regard... I am taking so many medications to treat my disordered thinking and seeing my therapist frequently and am confiding in her, but I don't know if I can ever unravel my disordered thinking. Thanks for listening.