I can't change, and I never will

[breakthecycle]

I will and never will rise above my misery. Since my depression i have been gone literally nowhere.

My school and education wise I've been going nowhere. I'm just going at home on welfare (loser) Funny fact when your 18 years old. I tried soo many times to get a job, or just get something to do. I fail every time, the scary thing now is that I've have lost all hope. Im just walking around with my hate and my endless bitterness.

I don't have any friends, hell i don't have anything to offer anyway.
My former classmates/friends, (no friends would be a wrong word to use) even though i don't talk to them anyway, they still manage to make my life a misery, that the fact i still remember them makes me sick.Cause i'm gone and forgotten in their world (i dont blame em)

The reason to this is problerly because of my lack of social skills (and the way I look)

I don't know why i posted this, I dont know anything actually

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Sick and tired of being sick and tired ?
Yeahh...Hope. Losing hope is a messed up feeling.

Will you allow yourself to give yourself a break ? (that' what people had been tell'in me lately)

Will you make or write a gradtitude list ? (my freind had asked me to do this and call her)
That reminds me...I have to make another one today...

Will you clean your house or your room ? (mmm...I've been cleaning up my freaken mess every **** day,
It's retarded and I procastinate doing it...I can rest and think clearer in a clean room thou)

Will you take a walk to a park or do simple excersize 30 mins to 1 hours everyday ?
(this too is restarded...but i still make myself. I can ride my bike 10 miles everyday now
But **** the other day...I tried to run 2 miles. It felt like every part of me was going againt
the grain)


Will you look up resourse avaliable to you in your area...?
Such as .....Local mental health departments or other resources.
(I attend recovery meetings everyday...yeah being around people made me fucken sick for a while)

Have you tried signing into the CHATROOM ??
It gets retarded in there sometimes...but it gave me practice interacting with other people.

18...i wish I was 18 again...I feel retarted half of the time living with my parents at my age*sighs*
I'm thinking about going down to the welfare department and getting me some fucken food stamps.
MY parents are well off...but fresia this honeysuckle. I want my own fucken pool.
God **** it...this economy sucks ass. I was making $32 an hour a couple of years ago...
There's no fucken jobs where i live.

Anyways...that's what I've been doing. It's helping me...Changes is slow ..it seems like for fucken ever.

Yeah..it's kind of messed up too....I'm still the only asian son of a ***** with a boucn of mexicans and white
people around *sighs*. On the other hand...I stand out like a fucken shiney door knob

 

[Unacceptance]

SO what steps have you taken?

 

[breakthecycle]

Thanks for the comments.

I don't think I have taken any steps yet. Well of course i become more and more numb about my past, I can't change it anyway, but **** the future scares the hell out of me.

 

[Unacceptance]

Thanks for the comments.

I don't think I have taken any steps yet. Well of course i become more and more numb about my past, I can't change it anyway, but **** the future scares the hell out of me.

The future is coming regardless of your feelings towards it, stop being afraid of it and start planning on how to deal with it.

 

[nowill2live85]

I will and never will rise above my misery. Since my depression i have been gone literally nowhere.

My school and education wise I've been going nowhere. I'm just going at home on welfare (loser) Funny fact when your 18 years old. I tried soo many times to get a job, or just get something to do. I fail every time, the scary thing now is that I've have lost all hope. Im just walking around with my hate and my endless bitterness.

I don't have any friends, hell i don't have anything to offer anyway.
My former classmates/friends, (no friends would be a wrong word to use) even though i don't talk to them anyway, they still manage to make my life a misery, that the fact i still remember them makes me sick.Cause i'm gone and forgotten in their world (i dont blame em)

The reason to this is problerly because of my lack of social skills (and the way I look)

I don't know why i posted this, I dont know anything actually

i understand that, i've been indoors and rarely ever go out. the last time I went out was to watch "Watchmen" by myself and that was it but trust me you will change. you will find someone that makes you come out of your cocoon or someday you'll deceide to change things for yourself.

but either way you can't stay like this forever. I can't be social and go out because I can't walk for more than 5 minutes but I know someday I'll start going out again

 

[Bluey]

Thanks for the comments.

I don't think I have taken any steps yet. Well of course i become more and more numb about my past, I can't change it anyway, but **** the future scares the hell out of me.

It never seems to me like anything has changed in my life and in lots of respects nothing has changed. But in lots of other respects a lot has changed. From when I was 18 a lot has changed. I have my own place. My independence if nothing else.

When I think back to the first night in my flat at 20 years old and how open and vulnerable I felt. Lots have changed since that night. I thought I would live the rest of my life out in that grubby little flat. I did live there for 5 years. I was even robed why I was there. I did learn a lot why I was there even though at the time I did not realize that. That was a hard time for me. No wonder I took up smoking at that time.

Things that have changed. I don't struggle to feed myself now. I have enough cash for what I wont and all through the place I live in is nothing special it would not bother me if I was to spend the rest of my life here. Its nice, am happy with it. I have moor confidence with in myself. I have the Internets The use of a computer is something at one time in my life I thought I would never have. I did used to look at myself has stupid just cos I struggled to spill. (that's the school system for you)

Things that have not changed are I still don't work do to my health and am still single.

You don't see things change from day to day but they do. Little by little, bit by bit they do. Things working in the back ground out of sight change things in ways sometimes that are unbelivebel to us.

Has for not being employed at the minute. There are lots of ppl in the same vote has yourself right now. You are unlucky has you come into the job market from leaving school at the wrong time. It dose however only take one person to give you that chance.

Stay strong, You never know next week you may be offered a job where you meet the love of your life. You just never know.

 

[strobefire]

If you're looking for a job, have you tried a temp agency? In most cases you won't have to interview and it might be the opportunity to get something more permanent. It's not a great long term solution because there aren't any benefits, but it's better than nothing.

 

[JosieL]

I will and never will rise above my misery. Since my depression i have been gone literally nowhere.

My school and education wise I've been going nowhere. I'm just going at home on welfare (loser) Funny fact when your 18 years old. I tried soo many times to get a job, or just get something to do. I fail every time, the scary thing now is that I've have lost all hope. Im just walking around with my hate and my endless bitterness.

I don't have any friends, hell i don't have anything to offer anyway.
My former classmates/friends, (no friends would be a wrong word to use) even though i don't talk to them anyway, they still manage to make my life a misery, that the fact i still remember them makes me sick.Cause i'm gone and forgotten in their world (i dont blame em)

The reason to this is problerly because of my lack of social skills (and the way I look)

I don't know why i posted this, I dont know anything actually

Hi Breakcycle; I feel that I have no social skills either. I'm mostly a quiet person. I'm mostly shy around people, I might say the wrong thing and drive them away. Sometimes I feel paranoid. Have you consider seeing therapy? Sometimes it helps to talk to a therapist.