I didn't used to hate myself

[SophiaGrace]

I didn’t used to hate myself. In days past I just felt aloneness. Now self-hatred is a constant-companion. The aloneness would usually feel as though I were an alien. The feeling that everyone else in the world, had wonderful lives, and that I was just watching their wonderful lives unfold in front of me. I guess you might term that a sort of dissociation. I would think to myself.

“I don’t belong here.”

“I am not a part of them.”

And this was my loneliness. This feeling of being so utterly cut off from the world that I was simply an observer rather than a participant.

Some days I still feel this, though maybe I have gotten used to it.

Someone online once told me that most peoples differences are inside of themselves. That most peoples struggles are inside of themselves, and that was different than my issues, which were so apparent with my physical disability, which I could not hide. Ironically it was someone from craigslist that told me that, but you can find bits of wisdom in the most odd places.

So I guess that gave me some solace, knowing that people have internal struggles and that I cannot see them. I still am a loner though. I’ve been like this for a long time.

Now I hate myself, but that’s a story for another thread.

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs sophiagrace*

please don't hate yourself you're pretty awesome

I think nearly everyone has this illusion that everyone else has great lives and we're the only few people have trouble in life.

I think that's because we tend to hide many of our troubles from the outside, we don't want other people to see that we're having troubles so we portray this facade that makes others think they're the only ones with these troubles.

Sometimes I have dissociations, when I was younger sometimes I didn't really feel like I was there where I actually was.

You're not alone, and you're very smart there's so much that you can offer the world I bet.

*hugs*

 

[cumulus.james]

I didn’t used to hate myself. In days past I just felt aloneness. Now self-hatred is a constant-companion. The aloneness would usually feel as though I were an alien. The feeling that everyone else in the world, had wonderful lives, and that I was just watching their wonderful lives unfold in front of me. I guess you might term that a sort of dissociation. I would think to myself.

“I don’t belong here.”

“I am not a part of them.”

And this was my loneliness. This feeling of being so utterly cut off from the world that I was simply an observer rather than a participant.

Some days I still feel this, though maybe I have gotten used to it.

Someone online once told me that most peoples differences are inside of themselves. That most peoples struggles are inside of themselves, and that was different than my issues, which were so apparent with my physical disability, which I could not hide. Ironically it was someone from craigslist that told me that, but you can find bits of wisdom in the most odd places.

So I guess that gave me some solace, knowing that people have internal struggles and that I cannot see them. I still am a loner though. I’ve been like this for a long time.

Now I hate myself, but that’s a story for another thread.

I like your posts on here, can that count for something to cheer you up?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Soph, you have no reason to hate yourself.

You're one of the most open, genuine, nicest people on this site. I'm not just saying that either. I enjoy reading your posts and hearing your opinions.

I too get that feeling of dissociation all the time. I feel (often without logical basis) that I'm somehow different from everyone else and confined to observation as a result. I study life like it's one of my scientific projects rather than simply living it sometimes. It's natural to feel like that when isolated I think.

I also hate aspects of myself sometimes, see many flaws in myself that I may or may not have, get frustrated with myself. That's also natural.

That's not to say it's healthy. Think of what you've done in your life, and some of the terrible things others have done. You're a compassionate person, you seem to care about other people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your positive qualities far outweigh your negative ones, even if you yourself may not think so

I'll finish by giving you one of those substance-less e-hugs, unfortunately it's the best I can do

*Hug*

 

[Equinox]

It always boggles my mind how such wonderful people can be so resentful of themselves. If only you could see yourself the way I see you! (hug)

(And, ironically, I realize that I'm no better. I sometimes hate myself, too. It's one of my therapist's facourite topics. )

 

[Ak5]

In all honesty, I am out of words.

Good luck and hope you feel better.

 

[Arcane]

*hug*
I know how you feel..I don't go out in public unless it's to work..but I work in a small office alone. I hate being out there looking at everyone talking, laughing, smiling, etc. It bothers me to see how carefree they seem...I too feel like I don't belong and totally understand how it's inspiration for self-hatred....At the same time like you I know that most people have internal struggles just like mine...but that makes me even more jealous and down on myself...why can't I deal with it better?

 

[Happy_Aspie]

I didn’t used to hate myself. In days past I just felt aloneness. Now self-hatred is a constant-companion. The aloneness would usually feel as though I were an alien. The feeling that everyone else in the world, had wonderful lives, and that I was just watching their wonderful lives unfold in front of me. I guess you might term that a sort of dissociation. I would think to myself.

“I don’t belong here.”

“I am not a part of them.”

And this was my loneliness. This feeling of being so utterly cut off from the world that I was simply an observer rather than a participant.

Some days I still feel this, though maybe I have gotten used to it.

Someone online once told me that most peoples differences are inside of themselves. That most peoples struggles are inside of themselves, and that was different than my issues, which were so apparent with my physical disability, which I could not hide. Ironically it was someone from craigslist that told me that, but you can find bits of wisdom in the most odd places.

So I guess that gave me some solace, knowing that people have internal struggles and that I cannot see them. I still am a loner though. I’ve been like this for a long time.

Now I hate myself, but that’s a story for another thread.

Judging from your posts on here I can't help but ask 'what is there to hate'?

---

*hug*
I know how you feel..I don't go out in public unless it's to work..but I work in a small office alone. I hate being out there looking at everyone talking, laughing, smiling, etc. It bothers me to see how carefree they seem...I too feel like I don't belong and totally understand how it's inspiration for self-hatred....At the same time like you I know that most people have internal struggles just like mine...but that makes me even more jealous and down on myself...why can't I deal with it better?

I work in a small office too...its just me and my boss that's it. While I am grateful that I am finally free from terrible office politics I admit I do feel a bit uneasy when the boss's wife asks 'so what are you doing this Friday'. I mean I've been working there for 5 months now and almost every Friday she asks the same question or on the Monday morning she'll ask 'so how was your weekend'? I don't know if I'm being paranoid or I am justified in being suspicious of her motives. I know they are thinking a fairly young person who is single will look forward to spending a weekend out but I just generally don't trust people to openly mingle with them. Friends are hard to come by and unlike many people I am not just going to settle for anyone just to get company. People do feel lonely in the company of others as well. I find it too much work to get caught up in putting on the facade that you like the people you hang with when you actually don't. I've seen it happen to many times. At the end of the day I have to be comfortable with myself regardless of who likes me or not.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Okay. Let's go into why I hate myself since I have been asked.

I hate myself because I can't dea with stress like other people can. I start out my semesters well, then I tank,stop talking to people, I constanly do not shower for days, I barely make it to class on time, I barely do my homework.

I hate myself because I cannot be mentally normal like everyone else and I know that people will give me advice to fix myself but I've been having this pattern semester after semester. I've gone to therapy. Taken meds. Tried to change habits.

I still fail.

That is why I hate myself.

---

Now you realize why I hate myself. I fail as an adult.

You can only see how I present myself on this forum. I bet if anyone knew me offline they'd hate me too.

 

[IgnoredOne]

*hugs*

You're awesome, Sophie. Don't compare yourself against anyone else; its almost entirely pointless and ultimately self-defeating. Improve, sure, but compare only against yourself and you can and are improving daily. Compare only against yourself, and I think that you'll come to realize just how awesome you truly are.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Okay. Let's go into why I hate myself since I have been asked.

I hate myself because I can't dea with stress like other people can. I start out my semesters well, then I tank,stop talking to people, I constanly do not shower for days, I barely make it to class on time, I barely do my homework.

I hate myself because I cannot be mentally normal like everyone else and I know that people will give me advice to fix myself but I've been having this pattern semester after semester. I've gone to therapy. Taken meds. Tried to change habits.

I still fail.

That is why I hate myself.

---

Now you realize why I hate myself. I fail as an adult.

You can only see how I present myself on this forum. I bet if anyone knew me offline they'd hate me too.

---

The thing is though, how do you know other people deal with stress any better? For all you know, they could get home and start hitting the whiskey.

I think we all handle things like that differently. I tend to deal with the stress okay for a long while until I will snap a bit, either in anger or just a saddened frustration. That's not pleasant when it happens.

You don't "fail", the only person judging you as doing that is you! The things you mention are all completely within your power to change.

I used to get stressed about my work and I didn't make time for the other stuff. I didn't exercise (and so was overweight), would stop shaving for weeks (and thus looked pretty dishevelled at times) and basically stopped caring completely about my appearance until I realised that taking care of myself was just as important as my work.

May I make a suggestion that I think might help?

Perhaps what you need to do is build a regular, steadfast routine. It's bloody difficult - even right now I am not working to the level I want to, because I keep breaking my own routine out of temptation/laziness/whatever. When I stick to it, my life improves a lot.

Get up in the morning having written a list if need be. Shower immediately so you're awake, fresh, clean and confident for the rest of the day. Do any additional exercise you might feel like in the morning early on, so it's out the way and you feel good about it. Then sort breakfast. Then do any assignments that need doing as far as you can.

After you get into a routine like that, you start finding that free time is more clearly seperated from work and problems like being late for class, handing in work late/right on the deadline start going away.

Perfect example - I spent last week up at 3:30 am one night before a major deadline with one piece of work, got myself completely stressed out. It was f***ing horrible. This week, I've almost done my assignment 2 days after it was set, and my time is now my own. The stress is hugely relieved. It makes a vast difference.

It's amazing how much time can vanish if goals are not clear right from the start of a day and then things like staying clean, keeping on top of work and other important responsibilities start sneaking out of the window with alarming speed. So that's my advice anyway. I hope you find it a little bit useful at least

Finally, I disagree with your last point. You come across as a lovely human being on the forums, to fake that you'd have to be some kind of prodigious liar. When you think about it, the problems you've outlined here have some definite solutions, and I think you will be happy once you can really act on them ^^

Drop me a PM if you'd like to talk more on it.

 

[ladysigh]

Okay. Let's go into why I hate myself since I have been asked.

I hate myself because I can't dea with stress like other people can. I start out my semesters well, then I tank,stop talking to people, I constanly do not shower for days, I barely make it to class on time, I barely do my homework.

I hate myself because I cannot be mentally normal like everyone else and I know that people will give me advice to fix myself but I've been having this pattern semester after semester. I've gone to therapy. Taken meds. Tried to change habits.

I still fail.

That is why I hate myself.

---

Now you realize why I hate myself. I fail as an adult.

You can only see how I present myself on this forum. I bet if anyone knew me offline they'd hate me too.

---

Okay, let's add some perspective here. "Hate" is a pretty harsh word. It sucks a lot of energy out of you to hate someone...and IMO the only people truly deserving of it are:

1) Child molesters
2) Serial killers/rapists
3) CEOs who steal their employees' 401K savings
4) People who initiate holocausts against humanity

Are you guilty of any of the above?

Now that we've cleared that up...you say you tried meds...I can attest to the fact that antidepressants work in "hit or miss" fashion. I spent the first 25 years of my life crying and debating suicide, then I heard about these new drugs for depression (mostly negative press regarding Prozac), but as I was out of options I said what the heck and made an appt to see a dr, he gave me Paxil...saved my life. Now unfortunately I was happy but severely gaining weight (dr confirmed its not unusual to gain over 70lbs on it). I spent a number of years trying different meds, different combinations, nothing worked as good but at least I wasn't constantly crying in a fetal state anymore. I've now found the perfect mix which addresses both my depression and my anxiety...my current contract job ends next month and the idea of being unemployed doesn't even scare me, I'm confident I'll be able to handle it and that things will work out.

One observation is it might just be a simple lack of passion in your life -- do you have any hobbies? Creating things is a great way to say to the world "I am here, and I did this."

What are you studying in school? Is it really something you are interested in? As one whose first career was forced upon me I can't stress enough how important it is to choose a field you will be happy in. If you're studying something like business administration, then, yeah, I can't blame you for not showing up to class or doing your homework. Again, your field should be something that evokes passion in you.

I don't know how old you are, but a person really can't say they've "failed as an adult" until they reach the age of about 80 ... so you've got plenty of time to turn things around.

 

[Happy_Aspie]

Sophie, by hating yourself you make it worse. Its a downward spiral. Are you aware of how 'other people' deal with stress? They may have a substance/sexual addiction that is totally unknown to you. Suppose the guy sitting in class next to you that seems to 'have it all together' is a pedophile? STOP LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE!

Mentally normal? What is normal? Just do whats right for you.

Semesters usually start out easier for most people. Don't beat up yourself. Maybe you need to change how you plan your semester. Maybe you need to drop a few courses here and there and include some hobbies as well. Maybe you could swap courses too. Are you pursuing studies in something that you are naturally inclined to? If not maybe that could be the cause of your stress. Start looking for tutoring to help you with courses - this will help with homework. Take help where you get it. Have you spoken to a counsellor on this?

As for not showering you need to ensure that you do it. Stop putting things first before yourself. Hygiene is necssary in taking care of you. Don't just shower..have an actual bath. Pamper yourself. You need to treat yourself well often. Have you considered meditation or Yoga? When I feel stressed I meditate and burn incense. It calms my nerves. I also use bath salts. Incorporate some ME time everyday. Consider yourself blessed that you have family support. Start some charity work..not necessarily for a long time..just a while to get you interacting with people who have obstacles themselves.

What are your dietary habits? I for one stay away from coffee and tea. I used to get near panic attacks and when I cut it out of my diet it made a bit difference.

Be honest with yourself about what you can handle. Do not commit to things you cannot see through.

To say 'I bet if anyone knew me offline they'd hate me too' is being too hasty. Do you know how we are offline? Are you sure you would like us?

You are stuck with you and you have no choice but to be comfortable with you. You're either your best friend or worst enemy.

You can only live one day at a time. Life itself IS therapy. There is no deadline to gain mental health. Try something new..totally different..enjoy the ride!

 

[Sci-Fi]

Sophia, don't hate yourself. I can only imagine what life has thrust upon you over the years and what you have gone through. I don't know you that well outside of what you post on here but you are an inspiration.

 

[senseworld]

*hug*
I know how you feel..I don't go out in public unless it's to work..but I work in a small office alone. I hate being out there looking at everyone talking, laughing, smiling, etc. It bothers me to see how carefree they seem...I too feel like I don't belong and totally understand how it's inspiration for self-hatred....At the same time like you I know that most people have internal struggles just like mine...but that makes me even more jealous and down on myself...why can't I deal with it better?

Glad I found this forum today, I can really identify with what you are feeling, thanks for posting it. I look around my community when I go outside and don't find any place where I don't feel self-conscious at the least or badly mistreated at the worst. People will tolerate me in doses long enough to take my money, or get me to do work for them, but that's about it. When nobody seems to like you it's just the next logical step to start dabbling in self-hatred. I am a good problem-solver, but I just cannot get my head around how people seem to function so well out there.

 

[PinkDelusion]

I've always hated myself ever since elementary school. Honestly I was the only one who would always write "there's nothing good about me" and list all of my horrible traits in whatever I wrote about myself. People always say that I shouldn't despise myself, but do they know why? Out of all the things I hate in this world I will always be the object of my extreme hatred. It's just me accepting who I am you know?

 

[roguewave]

Okay. Let's go into why I hate myself since I have been asked.

I hate myself because I can't dea with stress like other people can. I start out my semesters well, then I tank,stop talking to people, I constanly do not shower for days, I barely make it to class on time, I barely do my homework.

I hate myself because I cannot be mentally normal like everyone else and I know that people will give me advice to fix myself but I've been having this pattern semester after semester. I've gone to therapy. Taken meds. Tried to change habits.

I still fail.

That is why I hate myself.

---

Now you realize why I hate myself. I fail as an adult.

You can only see how I present myself on this forum. I bet if anyone knew me offline they'd hate me too.

---

I can't even tell you how many classes (and even whole semesters) I've dropped out of. Are you a perfectionist? The pattern of starting out the semester well but then getting really stressed and under performing sounds highly perfectionisty to me.
And stress sucks hardcore. Besides benzodiazepines and deep breathing (diaphragmatic breathing) I don't know any other ways of dealing with it.
As for the showering thing, I have struggled with that also and it's usually a sign of depression, body image issues or a combination of the two. Bathing is mostly a matter of fashion (although I know most people will disagree with me) dictated by the times. You don't have to shower every day but every other day is probably reasonable. And you will feel a lot better afterwards, more confident and such.
A lot of the time I feel like a total failure too but it's interesting what you said in your original post about feeling worse when you feel cut off from the world like an outsider. Feeling like an outsider actually helps me to feel better because it allows me to remove myself from "the game" of life. I become freer, my own person, able to shape my own life in a way that is unique and form-fitting to me. Maybe shifting your perspective in this way would help?