My mom has always been very strict and things always had to be her way. I started dating this guy and I didnt tell her about it because I was afraid how she would act . In the end she found out there was lots of drama and she doesnt trust me in anything I do. We talked I know I made a mistake and I though that things could change. After 6 months I began dating this other guy. I told her about him an it seemed alright but everytime I would go somewhere with him she would get on to me about where we were and if I was spending too much time with him she woul always be like 'your going out with him again are you, what are you two doing ' "Your lying too me you better not be lying to me" Even when I was with my friend she would get on to me about it and think I was somehwere else. So I dont know after a while I would say I woul be going with my friend out when I'm alone with him or say we are going to the mall even though we are going to his house. It seemed easier then to have her make me feel like honeysuckle before I leave all the time. We are not having sex yet just folling around but from the way she acts it seems liek she thinks I'm sleeping around. So I told her I'll be at the pool when in reality I just wanted to go to my bfs house and watch a movie and spend some time alone. Unfortunently she decided to check and I wasnt there. I tried to cover it up but she knew I was lying. She completely lost her composure started yelling at me even slapped me an pushed me. She doesnt want me to see him ever again and threatened to not let me go anywhere. I guess its my fault I should have known better but I dont know how to act. I really care about my boyfriend but I cant see him withought lying to her. Yet she puts me in these positions where its so hard for me to be honest with her. I dodnt know what to do I feel so alone and worthless. I do lie to her I know that but its hard for me to be honest with her because she makes things so difficult. I know I made a mistake in the past but why should I have to pay for it constantly and be reminded of it everytime I go somewhere with my boyfriend. I'm 18 I have a right to date and do what I want in my presonal life however it seems my mom will not alow me that right until I'm on my own. I dont know what to do I feel really depresse and lonely. I know the lying is what got me in this possition but I just dont know how to be honest with her when she treats me like I'm a whore everytime I want to go out and try to be happy.
I dont know how to be honest with her
- Thread starter sweetviki
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Blue Sky
Well-known member
Hi
I think by the age of eighteen you have the right to choose what you want to do with your life and the friends that you want to have. Are you working? Could you afford to move out on your own, because from what you wrote I don't think that your mother will change until you become independent and move out. And thats also a very big step to take, I didn't move away from home until I was financally secure and even then it wasn't easy for me at the start.
I think by the age of eighteen you have the right to choose what you want to do with your life and the friends that you want to have. Are you working? Could you afford to move out on your own, because from what you wrote I don't think that your mother will change until you become independent and move out. And thats also a very big step to take, I didn't move away from home until I was financally secure and even then it wasn't easy for me at the start.
S
sweetestbaby
Guest
If she's slapping you or pushing you, that's abuse. You should eventually try to move out. In the meantime, why don't you try inviting your bf over to your place? She will still give you a hard time but at least you're showing her that you have nothing to hide and maybe she would find herself wasting her time watching you two all the time and maybe when your bf is over, he can try to do things to smooth things over like cook dinner for your family. Also, maybe you can try spending quality time with your mom with it just being you and her to see if you can salvage what's left of your mother daughter relationship and maybe even repair it. There's also counseling, although you'd have to be able to convince her to go as well.
L
lonelygirl
Guest
Hi Viki,
I'm so sorry. It's a really tough and even uncomfortable situation you are in. I remember my mother bothering me about the virginity issue. It's so awkward to discuss sex with your parents!
Viki, I also have to play devil's advocate and show you the other point of view. I'm a mother, albeit my child has a looooong way to go before sex is an issue--I hope!
First of all, You did mention about being depressed and you did lie to her. So, she has less reason to trust you. Second of all, you may be 18, but that is actually still a teenager. And, technically, since you are living under her roof, you should respect her rules. I agree with Sweetest, that perhaps you could bring your boyfriend over to meet your mom and spend some time with him just watching a movie in the living room at your house. She would then probably trust you and he more--parents always seem to like the friends they've met more than the friends they just hear about.
Last of all, you seem to be having a bit of depression and perhaps low self-esteem(?) Your mom just doesn't want to see you miserable. She doesn't want to see you being used for sex and dumped, or end up with a STD, or unwanted pregnancy---all the adult responsibilities and dangers that come with the adult choice to have sex. You say you are just fooling around--but one thing leads to another, often very quickly.
I would, again, let your mom meet your boyfriend and see that he's a decent guy--
Good luck!
Hugs,
LG
I'm so sorry. It's a really tough and even uncomfortable situation you are in. I remember my mother bothering me about the virginity issue. It's so awkward to discuss sex with your parents!
Viki, I also have to play devil's advocate and show you the other point of view. I'm a mother, albeit my child has a looooong way to go before sex is an issue--I hope!
First of all, You did mention about being depressed and you did lie to her. So, she has less reason to trust you. Second of all, you may be 18, but that is actually still a teenager. And, technically, since you are living under her roof, you should respect her rules. I agree with Sweetest, that perhaps you could bring your boyfriend over to meet your mom and spend some time with him just watching a movie in the living room at your house. She would then probably trust you and he more--parents always seem to like the friends they've met more than the friends they just hear about.
Last of all, you seem to be having a bit of depression and perhaps low self-esteem(?) Your mom just doesn't want to see you miserable. She doesn't want to see you being used for sex and dumped, or end up with a STD, or unwanted pregnancy---all the adult responsibilities and dangers that come with the adult choice to have sex. You say you are just fooling around--but one thing leads to another, often very quickly.
I would, again, let your mom meet your boyfriend and see that he's a decent guy--
Good luck!
Hugs,
LG
My mom is the cause of my low self asteem she constantly compares me to other people pointing out how I'm not good enough how I havent achieved this or am not as good as that. After that first incident when she found out about my first boyfriend and we had slept together she had called me a whore and all kinds of other names and how she never dremed I would do something like that. I know I've made mistakes but I dont think that it makes me a whore to have a relationhsip. This guy I'm curently with does care about me and I'm taking it slow with him we have not had sex an not planning to anytime soon. He is okay with it and we do spend alot of time doing other things and hanging out but my mom is the one that makes shure I feel horrible before I leave. Yes he didnt obect to the whole pool incident which is something that he feels guilty for encouraging and I've already talked to him about that. It was my decision not his . My mom said she never wants to see me with him again so I dont know how the whole me bringing him home will work out she was very rude to him. I have good grades I have a modeling contract and I do plan to go to college. I'm not a failure and not a whore and she shouldnt make me feel that way for wanting to spend time alone with my boyfriend. Thats not all we do we get along well hang out and spend time doing other things and I'm happy so I dont see how he is someone thats bad for me. He has a job and a scholarship.
S
sweetestbaby
Guest
She's likely rude to him because she wants to see how quickly he and you can cave in by either him rushing out in anger or you sneaking off to be with him. I know this may sound corny and to an extent I'm elaborating on my other post again but if you have him over and be the bigger person, her words will just be words, so she will give up or start being abusive to him too, further proving to be an abusive person. Also, it really does sound like your mom may be going through something, whether she may be sad about something or scared that she will never see you when you move away, you can be the bigger person and comfort her as much as you would like to be comforted by her. Fearing her or antagonizing her is just going to fuel her more to stay the same way.
L
lonelygirl
Guest
Hey Sweet Viki,
This is so tough. I do know that the older generation still does view extramarital sex as not a good idea--and this is not just an old-fashioned thing. In many cultures, if a woman is not a virgin, she is almost unmarriageable.
I think your mom lost her temper when she called you a whore for having a sexual relationship with your last boyfriend. I don't think she meant it, but perhaps she has very old fashioned, traditional, cultural, or religious reasons for thinking extramarital sex is sinful or wrong(?)
There is no excuse for her to abuse you, hit you, or curse you. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you want to get stronger, you need to build yourself up by deciding what you think your moral principles should be and stick to them--even if they are not the same as your mother's. Feeling good about yourself means, indeed, as you say, taking it very slow with your new boyfriend and letting the sexual aspect of the relationship not become the dominant aspect. Once you have sex, you can never go back again to just holding hands, KWIM?
Hugs,
LG
This is so tough. I do know that the older generation still does view extramarital sex as not a good idea--and this is not just an old-fashioned thing. In many cultures, if a woman is not a virgin, she is almost unmarriageable.
I think your mom lost her temper when she called you a whore for having a sexual relationship with your last boyfriend. I don't think she meant it, but perhaps she has very old fashioned, traditional, cultural, or religious reasons for thinking extramarital sex is sinful or wrong(?)
There is no excuse for her to abuse you, hit you, or curse you. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you want to get stronger, you need to build yourself up by deciding what you think your moral principles should be and stick to them--even if they are not the same as your mother's. Feeling good about yourself means, indeed, as you say, taking it very slow with your new boyfriend and letting the sexual aspect of the relationship not become the dominant aspect. Once you have sex, you can never go back again to just holding hands, KWIM?
Hugs,
LG
L
Leon
Guest
Trust is something that is hard to attain, but easy to lose. Once you have lost it, you need to get it back. How can you do this? Following sweetestbaby's advice of spending quality time with her. Let her know who you are and how mature you can be. It is true that parents will never completly let go, feeling that their child is still unable to take responsability over their own actions. You are 18 now and can take responsability for most of your actions. I believe that finding out that you had sex with your first boyfriend (which I guess happened when you were younger) must have scared her to the point that she has become overprotective about you. You need to make her feel sure again. Don't expect immediate results! It takes time to heal a mother's heart.
I believe that it is always for the best to have good relations between parents and boyfriends/girlfriends. You should introduce him soon enough (if you and your parents live under the same roof!) for things to go swift. If he is a good boy/girl, then there shouldn't be any troubles.
PS: "Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." With or without consent, people shouldn't be making you feel inferior.
I believe that it is always for the best to have good relations between parents and boyfriends/girlfriends. You should introduce him soon enough (if you and your parents live under the same roof!) for things to go swift. If he is a good boy/girl, then there shouldn't be any troubles.
PS: "Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." With or without consent, people shouldn't be making you feel inferior.
The thing is after the whole pool incident she did see my boyfriend and she was so mad and she said things to me like' Your piece of honeysuckle of a guy needs to leave omg he looks like a scrawny monkey' or something like that along with a few other comments. My boyfriend is a good guy and he is not bad looking but my mom was so horrible and those statements messed with my head. I think my boyfriend looks alright and we get along great but her putting him down like that was putting me down as well and trying to make me feel like I'm dating this ugly looser. Luckily he didnt hear all that and doesnt know what she said about him but how can I bring him over knowing how my mom was such a ***** about someone she knew nothing about? I havent had a proper conversation with her in a couple of days she doesnt talk to me except when she tells me to do something. My bfs mom sugested that i write a letter explaining my side of the story and why I did what I did but I just cant bring myself to do it after everything she did and said to me
L
lonelygirl
Guest
Hi Viki,
That really sucks. Hmmm. Is there any way your mom has some sort of mental illness? Depression?
There was no need for your mom to call him names. Is he a different race? Maybe she's not comfortable with that?
Give her one more chance. Try saying, "Mom I know we've been having this stress lately...I would like to spend time with my boyfriend at our house so you know that we really are just watching tv...is that okay with you?"
If you ask her nicely, and then she's mean...I don't know what so say..give it a try?
That really sucks. Hmmm. Is there any way your mom has some sort of mental illness? Depression?
There was no need for your mom to call him names. Is he a different race? Maybe she's not comfortable with that?
Give her one more chance. Try saying, "Mom I know we've been having this stress lately...I would like to spend time with my boyfriend at our house so you know that we really are just watching tv...is that okay with you?"
If you ask her nicely, and then she's mean...I don't know what so say..give it a try?
I dont think that she has a mental illness or not one I'm aware of but it might be stress or something. My boyfriend is white like I am if he was black she probably would have completely lost her head. I'll try talking to her or writing her a letter but I'm just having a hard time doing that but I know someone has to and there is no way she will do it. My mom has never said the word 'sorry' in her entire life. If she feels she did something wrong she would end up buying me something but so far nothing not even a decent conversation. In her eyes I'm a liar an a whore and I'm the worst of all my cousins and her friends kids which she pointed out. I'm not saying its all her fault its not I shouldnt have lied I just wanted to avoid her thinking I'm off having sex somewhere.
L
Leon
Guest
I think the letter idea is good: you need to explain your mother why all of these things happened. Bad parenting usually leads to this kind of situations, yet it is not nice to tell your old folks that it was their fault! You need to be subtle and make her understand that it is her behaviour in many ways that make you feel uncertain about the topic and how you should deal this whole boyfriend issue. The same thing happend to this exgirlfriend of mine: her parents were overprotective and this lead to her lying to them. Finally, she was not allowed to see him. In this case it was the right choice: the guy was a complete dick. So parents protecting their offspring is not something mean and cruel, yet you still need to make them understand the situation you are in! In my case, being in a relationship with this girl was wonderful in many ways as I am a good boy, and her parents could sense that. I easily became one of the family. It really is a great feeling! That is why I hate to break it this way, but maybe there is no solution for the relationship between you and this fellow. Your mother will hardly change the way she sees him, leading to your relationship with him deteriorating...
L
Leon
Guest
For me it is terrible for someone to get in the middle of a nice relationship. Honestly. My fear is that something worse could happen (like you lie to your mother and she finds out again, only for her to take more drastic actions). How is it that you manage to see your boyfriend? Does he feel comfortable knowing that you must be sneaking around from your mother? Eventually there will be too much stress in the relationship! Just consider that it might be for the best for you to break up at some point.
I hope you have started working on the communication between you and your mother. It needs much work.
I hope you have started working on the communication between you and your mother. It needs much work.
L
lonelygirl
Guest
Viki, I agree with Leon--just in one sense.
You're young and this romance feels exciting and wonderful, and that's nice, BUT...
Your mom is gonna be your mom FOREVER. She loves you one million times more than this guy could love you.
I'm a mom and I know the SACRIFICE it is to carry another human inside your body, to give birth (incredibly painful) and then recover from birth (almost worse than giving birth). And staying home with a baby that only cries and poops. It's lonely and it's a sacrifice. Your mom loves you. She gave you life, she gave birth to you, in theory she could have aborted you...the point is that despite how mean she's being lately, she will always love you.
Boyfriends come and go. You are probably too young to marry this guy, right? Would you want to? Be stuck with him for many years, maybe forever?
I would continue the relationship with him but not sneak and lie. Just tell her that you are bringing him over, period. If she's rude to him apologize to him for her right in front of her--"I'm sorry my mom's been stressed out lately."
Hugs,
LG
You're young and this romance feels exciting and wonderful, and that's nice, BUT...
Your mom is gonna be your mom FOREVER. She loves you one million times more than this guy could love you.
I'm a mom and I know the SACRIFICE it is to carry another human inside your body, to give birth (incredibly painful) and then recover from birth (almost worse than giving birth). And staying home with a baby that only cries and poops. It's lonely and it's a sacrifice. Your mom loves you. She gave you life, she gave birth to you, in theory she could have aborted you...the point is that despite how mean she's being lately, she will always love you.
Boyfriends come and go. You are probably too young to marry this guy, right? Would you want to? Be stuck with him for many years, maybe forever?
I would continue the relationship with him but not sneak and lie. Just tell her that you are bringing him over, period. If she's rude to him apologize to him for her right in front of her--"I'm sorry my mom's been stressed out lately."
Hugs,
LG
L
Leon
Guest
lonelygirl said:
I couldn't have said it better, LG.
I just wonder how long a relationship so stressed by parental restriction can last!
I'm 18 years old an I do want to date. Yes my mom is always going to be my mom but she will always see me as a child thats too young to date. I'm an only child in the family and it seem like my parents dont realise how much has changed since they were young and that I'm no longer a child. If I break up with this guy I will still eventualy want to date someone. So what does it mean that I shoudlnt date anyone untill I move out just because my mom doesnt want me to?
T
teach
Guest
Sweetviki,
I'm not sure it's so much that you are dating or not as it is HOW you're dating. Granted you may feel your parents are "old school", but putting any moral issues aside, as an adult, you are now in the position of putting away the "following your parents direction because you're the kid and they are the adult" and should now be picking up the adult attitude of I am in my parents home so I should display a certain social respect. Most adults, when they are in the home of another, keep their physical relations out of the picture. It's not polite. Yes, you live in the home, but as an adult now, it's not really your home, it's your parents. What you were able to do as a child in the home (not talking about relationship actions here), was because you belonged in the home.
I'm not sure it's so much that you are dating or not as it is HOW you're dating. Granted you may feel your parents are "old school", but putting any moral issues aside, as an adult, you are now in the position of putting away the "following your parents direction because you're the kid and they are the adult" and should now be picking up the adult attitude of I am in my parents home so I should display a certain social respect. Most adults, when they are in the home of another, keep their physical relations out of the picture. It's not polite. Yes, you live in the home, but as an adult now, it's not really your home, it's your parents. What you were able to do as a child in the home (not talking about relationship actions here), was because you belonged in the home.
L
lonelygirl
Guest
Well said, Teach.
I agree that living in our parent's homes, though many people do now until age 25 or even beyond, is a privilege and NOT a right.
Viki, once you've lived on your own a while you'll know more about the stresses of being an adult in terms of having to run a household and worry about rent/mortgage, electricity, water, trash, HOA dues, car insurance, car repairs, gas, telephone, internet, cell phone, all the endless bills that come with running your own home. Not to mention all the groceries and cooking. It's a big responsibility! You'd be well advise to stay in your mom's home until you have a good job and have graduated college.
I agree that living in our parent's homes, though many people do now until age 25 or even beyond, is a privilege and NOT a right.
Viki, once you've lived on your own a while you'll know more about the stresses of being an adult in terms of having to run a household and worry about rent/mortgage, electricity, water, trash, HOA dues, car insurance, car repairs, gas, telephone, internet, cell phone, all the endless bills that come with running your own home. Not to mention all the groceries and cooking. It's a big responsibility! You'd be well advise to stay in your mom's home until you have a good job and have graduated college.
L
lonelygirl
Guest
Viki,
Please don't come here and listen to these cruel and evil words. NO ONE has the right to judge you but God.
Guests, let those of you who have never sinned or made mistakes cast the first stone...
Please don't come here and listen to these cruel and evil words. NO ONE has the right to judge you but God.
Guests, let those of you who have never sinned or made mistakes cast the first stone...
