I don't know how...

[Among the Sleep]

I'm gonna try to not make this a novel...but I'm one of those kids who's never had a girlfriend or has had much sexual experience (I'll be turning 24 this summer). For a long, long time, this could be attributed to a crippling lack of confidence. My self esteem was so low that I literally, in my heart of hearts felt like there was no girl/woman alive who would ever have those types of feelings for me. Mainly cause of the way I look, I guess, but I don't even look all that bad. It was just crazy, irrationally low self esteem. And not to say that I've grown out of all my self confidence issues, but I finally realize how ridiculous it was to be so down on myself for all those years, and I'm coming out on the other side of that, thankfully.

But I guess my problem now is that I feel really out of step with how the whole dating/relationship/sex thing goes. I just have no experience. I'm at an age where everyone I know has had a girlfriend/boyfriend or two, has at least messed a couple people, but I just don't know how to approach any of it. It's very foreign to me.

To give an analogy, me (mostly) getting over my horrendously low self esteem is kind of like getting out of prison. My brain was locked up for, I don't know, 6 years or so, and while I'm glad to have my freedom, I don't know what the hell to do with it. I finally understand that I can have that type of worth to somebody, and there's potential, which in itself is a big step forward. But I don't know the first thing about relationships. If I took a girl on a date I'd probably throw up from the anxiety of not knowing what to do. When I think about having sex, the embarrassment of being a first timer and being laughably terrible at it is enough to scare me away from even seriously trying.

Unfortunately, I am one of those needy people that really needs attention from the opposite sex. That might be where my low self confidence comes/came from in the first place, I kinda got ignored by girls in high school and it made me feel worthless. Again, I realize now that that's dumb. But I'd like to have a girlfriend...I really would. I'm much more focused on that than banging chicks. I just don't even know where to start. I know I missed a huge part of, like, my developmental phase in terms of dating/sex/etc. and I'm afraid that I'm so out of step with the whole thing that it could be insurmountable.

OK, guess it turned into a novel. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Make fun of me for being a loser?

 

[Regumika]

Hang on. You say you are not the type into banging chicks but you're talking about wanting sex (seems to follow dating every time, and you also seem to emphasize sex a lot). So in the end, it's kinda for sex, on top of wanting a relationship. No, you want a girl, not a soul mate.

It is normal, for a guy to want sexual activity. A lot of guys make their decision not with the head on their shoulders.

Inexperience is not the issue here. Lets put yourself in the girl's perspective. If you are the one with experience and it's her first time going out/having sex, would you make fun of her? So if a girl makes fun of you, don't take it personally and conclude that she is not worth your time. Everyone has to start somewhere and you do not need to look for shallow people that will make fun of you for doing something for the first time.

If all else fails, find a girl that also has no experience and needy for attention. Then you can both do it for the first time together, and learn. You know how shy people behave, you know where they hang out. So go and find them. (What's that quote used in a lot of movies? "Takes a criminal to catch a criminal." right?) You know where they are. Now go out there and ignore every one that isn't worth your time. It's good that you are turning this around.

 

[Gondwanaland]

I just have no experience. I'm at an age where everyone I know has had a girlfriend/boyfriend or two, has at least messed a couple people, but I just don't know how to approach any of it. It's very foreign to me.

Seems like you're being a victim of "peer-pressure"???

Unfortunately, I am one of those needy people that really needs attention from the opposite sex.

That, in my opinion, is a huge problem. You might need therapy to solve it.

I know I missed a huge part of, like, my developmental phase in terms of dating/sex/etc. and I'm afraid that I'm so out of step with the whole thing that it could be insurmountable.

Sex is not an essential part of existence. That's just an idea imposed by society to reinforce sexual promiscuity.

Life's not only about dating a having sex. It's more complex than that.

 

[duff]

stop focusing so much on women and girlfriends.

It will probably happen when you least expect it to !

 

[BlueBird0247]

I am a 35 year old female and also have no idea how people find each other. I'm no model but I'm not disgusting either. I've always been in the "cute", "average girl next door" category. I'm still a virgin and have never had a boyfriend. I have a good job, I'm not crazy, i'm educated and I just don't get it. I do have high standards and morals but that's not even the problem. No man I've ever been interested in , is interested back. I know girls with so many problems or are in the "not so attractive" category and some how they manage to find decent guys. I am very shy at first but come on, this is ridiculous. How do they do it?

 

[Edward W]

Have you tied online dating? Seems very popular at the moment, people are busy and have less time so very normal.

I am a 35 year old female and also have no idea how people find each other. I'm no model but I'm not disgusting either. I've always been in the "cute", "average girl next door" category. I'm still a virgin and have never had a boyfriend. I have a good job, I'm not crazy, i'm educated and I just don't get it. I do have high standards and morals but that's not even the problem. No man I've ever been interested in , is interested back. I know girls with so many problems or are in the "not so attractive" category and some how they manage to find decent guys. I am very shy at first but come on, this is ridiculous. How do they do it?

As a guy I always think it's easier for women, but I guess thats not always true?

 

[Among the Sleep]

Hang on. You say you are not the type into banging chicks but you're talking about wanting sex (seems to follow dating every time, and you also seem to emphasize sex a lot). So in the end, it's kinda for sex, on top of wanting a relationship. No, you want a girl, not a soul mate.

No, you're off the mark there. I didn't say I "wasn't the type to bang chicks", what the hell kind of man would I be if I said that? What I said was I'm far more focused on finding someone I connect with emotionally than just, say, finding random skanks at the bar. I keep bringing sex up because it's part of the whole relationship thing and I'm uncomfortable with it.

Inexperience is not the issue here. Lets put yourself in the girl's perspective. If you are the one with experience and it's her first time going out/having sex, would you make fun of her? So if a girl makes fun of you, don't take it personally and conclude that she is not worth your time. Everyone has to start somewhere and you do not need to look for shallow people that will make fun of you for doing something for the first time.

Yeah, I'm not literally scared of getting made fun of, it's just a weird pride thing.

If all else fails, find a girl that also has no experience and needy for attention. Then you can both do it for the first time together, and learn. You know how shy people behave, you know where they hang out. So go and find them. (What's that quote used in a lot of movies? "Takes a criminal to catch a criminal." right?) You know where they are. Now go out there and ignore every one that isn't worth your time. It's good that you are turning this around.

Ha, I'd love to find another inexperienced girl, that'd take a lot of pressure off for sure. Hard to find at my age though. Thanks for your post.

---

Gondwanaland: Yes, I'd say peer pressure is a factor. Much more with sex than the relationship thing.

Your second point, you may be right. I don't know where that emotional neediness comes from, I don't know if it's something that's truly, like, an issue or if it just comes from being mostly deprived of affection for a long time. I will say that I've also gotten a lot better about the neediness thing, too. I realized a little while back that the reason I wanted a girlfriend so bad was that I viewed it as a rescue from my shitty emotional state, something I wasn't consciously aware of for a long time. Again, now I realize how dumb, and even dangerous that idea can be. But I'd still like having a girlfriend. I like the idea of having one, I've had brief glimpses of what it could be like, but I also understand that there are implications of having a relationship that are more than just the first three months of googly eyed excitement.

 

[ladyforsaken]

As a guy I always think it's easier for women, but I guess thats not always true?

I do actually feel that men have it harder. Heavier pressure. I don't know, I guess.

 

[perfanoff]

I have a good job, I'm not crazy, i'm educated and I just don't get it. I do have high standards and morals but that's not even the problem. No man I've ever been interested in , is interested back.

Sounds like it's even the problem

 

[Toby]

It makes sense that you're wanting to make up for lost time, so to speak. At 24, you're right, most men and women have had sex numerous times and have had either a longterm relationship spanning years or a number of shorter ones. That's because most people are normal and it all kind of slots into place for normal people.

You've overcome your lack of confidence so that's a huge step forward. Do you have female friends or just close friends (of any gender) that you can talk with about this sort of thing? This forum is good but it's also good to have people in real life to talk to. Like Regumika said, since you are inexperienced and the whole relationship/sex thing is very new, maybe start slow. If you have any hobbies where women might also participate, maybe head along to those events and see if you can make a female friend. After you've gotten to know eachother a bit better (and she's single of course), there might be a possibility of a relationship blooming. Don't get too far ahead of yourself and just take it one step at a time.

 

[Among the Sleep]

It makes sense that you're wanting to make up for lost time, so to speak. At 24, you're right, most men and women have had sex numerous times and have had either a longterm relationship spanning years or a number of shorter ones. That's because most people are normal and it all kind of slots into place for normal people.

You've overcome your lack of confidence so that's a huge step forward. Do you have female friends or just close friends (of any gender) that you can talk with about this sort of thing? This forum is good but it's also good to have people in real life to talk to. Like Regumika said, since you are inexperienced and the whole relationship/sex thing is very new, maybe start slow. If you have any hobbies where women might also participate, maybe head along to those events and see if you can make a female friend. After you've gotten to know eachother a bit better (and she's single of course), there might be a possibility of a relationship blooming. Don't get too far ahead of yourself and just take it one step at a time.

I do have female friends. Actually, part of the problem as far as talking to people in real life about it is that a lot of my friends, good friends of mine even, don't realize what a fuckin goose egg I am when it comes to girls. I mean, I've never been a loner, I've always had friends that were both guys and girls (probably more guys though) and it's not something that's easy to talk about. Can you imagine telling a bunch of guys, who are kind of new friends of yours that you're a virgin? That you've never had a girlfriend and girls don't like you? I mean, just typing the word virgin makes me sick to my stomach. I have to hide that from even some of the people closest to me. I've literally cut people out of my life because they've known me for long enough that I know they know, and I don't want them to ask about it, cause I'm not a good liar. There are long standing friendships that I've made no effort to maintain cause I don't wanna have to answer the question, honestly or dishonestly. When people start talking about sex, sometimes I have to leave the room before I somehow get brought into the conversation. It polices certain aspects of my life. It's too embarrassing to talk about with anyone, even some of my close friends who DO know, and I know don't really judge me for it. But none of them even ask cause they don't wanna embarrass me, which almost makes it worse, since we're typical guys and we talk honeysuckle to each other all the time. That subject doesn't even get touched. There's no one I feel comfortable talking about it with, and really, there's no one who would relate.

I kinda went on a rant there, ha...but to clarify...it really is a relationship that I want and that's important to me. It's just the virgin part that's incredibly embarrassing. The never had a girlfriend part matters tremendously to me on a personal level, but it's not all that embarrassing, I guess, except it might indicate that no one fucks me. I feel like if I have the girlfriend conversation with someone it's gonna lead to a sex conversation somehow, so that's another reason I'm scared to bring it up. But, like I said. No one cares and no one would relate. Just kinda looking to vent and for a little advice. Nothing makes a difference in the end anyway. If Ive gone this long there's just something wrong with me.

 

[Toby]

If your real life close friends won't judge you for it, then they're probably the ones who would be able to understand. No, they most likely can't relate to it but if they're close friends they will understand and listen. It might be worth a shot to be in a situation where you and your closest friend can just sit down and chat. Really talk to eachother and open up about whatever. For you, your virgin status and for him/her just whatever they want to talk about.

I was a virgin until about your age - 24 or 25 and to be totally frank and candid - I paid for it. To be even more candid, I have never had sex with someone that wasn't paid. That's a huge thing for me to admit here but I (for one) can relate to your situation. If you do want to just have sex, you can always go that route. It's probably more fulfilling in a proper relationship though... but the reason I did it is because I didn't want to wait any longer, probably knowing I'd never get it for free.

 

[Among the Sleep]

I'm actually glad I don't really have that option available to me where I live. Thanks for the response. It's 9 in the morning I need to try and sleep again...

 

[Gondwanaland]

Gondwanaland: Yes, I'd say peer pressure is a factor. Much more with sex than the relationship thing.

Others' opinions don't matter at all. If you allow this, they're gonna control you without any mercy. You should stop being dependent on other people, because your self-esteem will suffer the consequences. Peer-pressure is nothing.

Your second point, you may be right. I don't know where that emotional neediness comes from, I don't know if it's something that's truly, like, an issue or if it just comes from being mostly deprived of affection for a long time. I will say that I've also gotten a lot better about the neediness thing, too. I realized a little while back that the reason I wanted a girlfriend so bad was that I viewed it as a rescue from my shitty emotional state, something I wasn't consciously aware of for a long time. Again, now I realize how dumb, and even dangerous that idea can be. But I'd still like having a girlfriend. I like the idea of having one, I've had brief glimpses of what it could be like, but I also understand that there are implications of having a relationship that are more than just the first three months of googly eyed excitement.

Yeah, a GF is not gonna help a lot, unless you've solved all your problems first.

 

[Peaches]

It's really great that you set your mind on finding a girlfriend, and especially that you got out of prison (so to speak), congratulations! you sound like a sensible and balanced guy, if you just explain that for some years you were really shy and you lost some good chances, that explains it perfectly and shouldn't turn off anyone, anyone nice at least.
Another point that I think is attractive for any woman is the will to learn, I am sure you have it

When we don't have a lot of luxuries in the affective field, it is so easy to get over-attached, but I guess it is a really common problem and each one deals with it differently.

 

[BlueBird0247]

I want a guy with little or no experience so we can learn together.