I Don't Think I Could Cope Living on My Own

[samba101]

I might in the future talking about a few years have to live by myself or in a shared flat situation and to be honest I don't think I'll cope.

The depression will kick in from being lonely and having nothing to do and I'm so scared it's going to come to that.

I'm worried about financially how I'm going to afford to live, whose going to help me move my stuff in as I don't know anyone and the only person who can works in the Navy and is out of the country quite often.

I can honestly say that I don't think I'd want to live anymore, stupid I know but I've been lonely in a relationship which was hell but to be lonely and on my own is going to kill me.

So please give me feedback, how do you cope and what keeps you going everyday?

 

[Silvernight]

I can certainly understand the apprehension of having to live alone. I never wanted to get a separate flat and I much prefer living with my parents because of this very reason. To be honest, I have no idea how people cope. I'm a bit on the fragile side emotionally and living alone would literally be a killer. I need some people around me. I suppose, in this case, the best shot would be indeed to find a friendly person to share a a flat with, which would also alleviate the financial burden of paying for the accomodations.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

hey samba,

i have been living solo for about a year now and before that it was about 3 years sharing this small flat with my ex. she was out all the time so it was pretty close to being by myself anyway.

for the first few months after i became a 'single' again, i kinda went through all the usual stages most aptly described as PANIC. Bit by bit though i started just keeping busy.. and yeah, sitting around watching television or playing video games is BUSY in my opinion..

do you have any pets? i have two cats so i kinda consider myself a single parent, in a very loose sense of the term. But they help me ground myself, they need to be fed and looked after and help create a routine that brings me down to earth and helps me forget all the other honeysuckle that plays on my mind.

what works for me generally though is to NEVER look into the future. I know many people say that having dreams and goals is important and maybe it works for them, but it doesnt work for me. I get up and take the tiniest baby steps all day.. clean the dishes.. feed the cats.. play some guitar.. etc.

living alone has its up sides too. your place can be exactly the way YOU want it, dirty or clean.. you can make as much noise as YOU want.. its YOUR castle. I like this and enjoy it.

I was unemployed for many years.. or kinda part-employed, which meant I had the government on my ass all the time and it was constantly stressful. So just having a job and being able to stand on your own two feet is a feeling of independence and strength that is good to savour. I dont have a great job, nor would I say its a 'career', but who gives a f... I pay my way and do what I want.

I have lived with other people in the past a couple of times and though it may be less lonely.. (not necessarily though) there are many hassles living and sharing space with another chaotic animal! But if you want some company in the form of a flat mate, advertise and interview them.. its all just learning experiences anyway.. you can do it dude

 

[samba101]

Thanks for your replies Silvernight and Power2thepeople, yes I've lived with people before and I was just socially awkward it got to the point I started to avoid the people living with me and my ex in the house due to the inability to be friendly plus I'd end up getting pissed off that they didn't pitch in to help around the house save but one person who did, it was a total nightmare for me since I had self esteem issues to deal with. But I need company so it looks like I will be having flatmates don't think I could bare the comfort of living on my own at this stage I've become used to having my parents around me and that brings me companionship now and then I need to go and see my friend to have someone to talk to.

Currently I live with my parents but can't live with them forever as I'm 33 and there's going to come a time for my to fly the coop, I moved out of home when I was 20 but came back at 30, but I don't really want to, if I had it my way I'd live with Mum and Dad until I died but don't really think that's possible as I'd like to have kids and get married one day.

I've been running scenarios through my head of "What If?". Like what if I divorced what would I do, how am I going to support the kids and I? What happens if my dad and mum die, they're nearly 60 and could go any day. It's good that you told me not to look into the future but take it day by day.

I'm scaring myself silly with these irrational ideas but they're there and I always get to the point of thinking I CAN'T COPE.
I mean it's like I have thoughts that clearly undermine my strength to get through them.

Another factor is I kind of think I'll live to 85 which means I have another 52 years on this earth and already I've had enough honestly who the hell wants to live that long I'd be happy if I made it to 40 and going from past experience I'm not going to be inundated by friends so I'll only have my own company most of the time.

I've had pets before but they didn't help when I really got lonely, I don't think I'd have pets again because most places you can't take them to when you move in and it would break my heart having to take them to the animal shelters.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

yeah, i hear ya dude.. well, it's good that you have your parents around for companionship at least. And your friend to talk to aswell

i suppose you can't live with your parents forever (even though there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion) especially since you want marriage and children sometime down the track... i wouldn't know what thats like, i have no desire for either of those things so things are a little simpler for me in that regard.

but like any huge-life-dream, all you can do is keep taking small steps towards achieving that dream and in part hope that those things you desire are in the winds of fate for you.. good ole unpredictable ******* of a universe sees to the fact that even when you do everything in your power to move towards a particular destination it can snatch it all away with a **** blindside..

all the 'what if' thinking you talk of sounds like your thoughts are messing with you.. don't let them! teach them a lesson and tell them to shut the f up!.. thats my advice.. mind you CBT would say - "challenge your negative thinking".. but you're having 'what if' thoughts as projected into a yet unrealised future.. that's being pretty harsh with yourself dude At the same time i think it shows that you are an intelligent person considering the possible outcomes of your life and how you would cope with these situations.. But you can't predict EVERYTHING that may happen and trying to solve problems that haven't even occured yet is just wasting your energy in the present.. let it go and let it unfold as it may.. try to focus on what you CAN do and don't be too hard on yourself

same thing with the living to 85 business.. you might get lucky and die at 42..er???.. one-day-at-a-time... but i do getcha.. it can feel like a LONG HAUL.. thats why i try not to think about it.. best option in my opinion.

feeling like you cant cope sounds pretty normal to me.. dont beat yourself up for feeling like that. Fact is you have been coping all this time.. this is how people cope i reckon.. we feel honeysuckle and keep going.. thats coping!

you made it to 33! thats nothing to sneeze at! if i recall correctly you have had a business, you have overcome at least 2 addictions and survived a long term relationship. You're a tough nut in my book! And you've coped through all of it.

You're stronger than you think

 

[samba101]

Thanks Power2thepeople, with your words I'm starting to put things back in to perspective, I kind of realised that if I don't know a situation I tend to over think it to bits.

I had a laugh while reading your advice, I've come to realise that with loneliness during my years I've really had no friends to talk to about these things and have basically bought myself up by myself which can be kind of hard when you don't have someone to help you out over the bumps and hurdles, but find it's a great relief to be able to express them in here.

 

[Minus]

When i saw everything collapsing like a house of cards and knew that i would end up living alone again, i had the same concerns that you mention. It was something of an adjustment. PoWer2tHePeOpLE mentioned keeping busy and when i became busy it really helped distract me. Many of my concerns turned out to be unfounded. These days i seem to be too busy to worry about coping. I can even enjoy the quiet and solitude when i get a chance.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

Thanks Power2thepeople, with your words I'm starting to put things back in to perspective, I kind of realised that if I don't know a situation I tend to over think it to bits.

I'm glad, be good to yourself dude

 

[samba101]

Thanks for your input minus

 

[Badjedidude]

Is there some reason that you can't divorce your husband? Because religion is a poor reason to remain stuck in a bad marriage. I don't know what religion you follow, but surely it's not a sin to want happiness and health for yourself and your children.

You're making the right move in coming here...that's always the first step in finding your way out of a bad situation and into something better: INFORMATION. People here can at least help with that and maybe help you find a way to think this through.

So if I may ask, what is your religion? Could you describe your situation in a little more detail?

You are NOT alone here.

----Steve

 

[samba101]

i just found this site a few weeks ago and catching up on reading.
i'm 38 and my kids are 18 and 16 and i'm in a bad marriage and have no otehr family except this one. i'm deathly afraid of being alone and don't know how i'll cope with no friends and no family and social anxiety disorder that keeps me shut in. i wish yu would come back and talk some more about this. my kids say they are going to move out as soon as they can to escape the pain around here emotinally. because of my religion i cant get a boyfriend and i never want to get married again because i'm afraid i'll land a crazy one. i dont know what i'm going to do. the loneliness is a killer!

I'm sorry to hear that your in a bad situation, I can empathise with the loneliness and bad relationship/social anxiety.

If you want to keep this private pm me.

If not feel free to ask me questions on here.

 

[Badjedidude]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation... *hug*

But seriously...if this is causing you that much pain, then you need to do something BIG to change it. Whether it's therapy, leaving your husband, or what....you have to take control right now and grab the reins to this runaway buggy.

I CAN tell you this: You are definitely not a reject or pathetic. You are a human being and you have dignity! DO NOT LET THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS TAKE OVER!! Seriously, they don't help you at all, right? So why spend time thinking them? You have to fight those thoughts as much as possible, because that in itself can be a large part of getting yourself back in charge of your situation. Thoughts first, action second.

TAKE ACTION! Don't let this make you a recluse from society! I'm sure you're a very nice person and very interesting...so get out there are start connecting with people again. If you find that the people at your church avoid you, don't go to church! Find some people that you have things in common with...a support group...ANYTHING! ^_^ You could even talk to us online, for starters!

Honestly, from your description, I don't think that your church is being fair or very righteous about this. You should honestly consider looking around for a different church of the same faith, if at all possible. It sounds like your church elders and people aren't in the right spirit of faith or service to their fellow church members (you). So I would definitely advise you to stay away from that church. You don't have to stay away from the religion...just find a new church that will support you!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you need to surround yourself with people who will build you up instead of tearing you down. I think you're probably a very sweet, caring person...and people will see that inside of you if you give them the opportunity. I don't know what you want to do about your husband...but I would advise leaving him. Honestly, if he's treating you like dirt, then you need to move on. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

But whatever you do...know that my thoughts are with you and I hope that you find a way to work everything out. *hug*

----Steve

 

[cheaptrickfan]

i just found this site a few weeks ago and catching up on reading.
i'm 38 and my kids are 18 and 16 and i'm in a bad marriage and have no otehr family except this one. i'm deathly afraid of being alone and don't know how i'll cope with no friends and no family and social anxiety disorder that keeps me shut in. i wish yu would come back and talk some more about this. my kids say they are going to move out as soon as they can to escape the pain around here emotinally. because of my religion i cant get a boyfriend and i never want to get married again because i'm afraid i'll land a crazy one. i dont know what i'm going to do. the loneliness is a killer!

I just saw this thread today and your post spoke to me.

My marriage ended when I was 37, but both of my daughters were younger than yours (3 and 7 at the time). At the time my husband told me he was going to leave me I was terrified. I'd spent the previous 7 years as a stay at home mom; I was in a place where I had no real-life friends in the same area code; all of my job experience had been elsewhere; I'd been suffering from severe depressive episodes that lkept me basically a hut-in most of the time, and then I heard that he was throwing in the towel and leaving me... I was absolutely terrified.

Truth to tell, even though we're coming up on 4 years since that time, I still have days when I am overwhelmed with fear. Other days I feel fine, like I can survive anything. As clichéed as it sounds, it really is a matter of getting through things one day at a time. it is good to make some sort of long-range plan, especially for employment, but look as every day you live through as a victory in itself.

In the early days I coped by keeping myself busy, even if it was mindless stuff. You are not obligated to spend every waking moment in deep contemplation of your plight or trying to find a reasonable solution. Sometimes that is just way too much.

 

[dontwant2beelonely]

Well for one don't move stay where your people are at.

 

[SilentThinker]

I might in the future talking about a few years have to live by myself or in a shared flat situation and to be honest I don't think I'll cope.

The depression will kick in from being lonely and having nothing to do and I'm so scared it's going to come to that.

I'm worried about financially how I'm going to afford to live, whose going to help me move my stuff in as I don't know anyone and the only person who can works in the Navy and is out of the country quite often.

I can honestly say that I don't think I'd want to live anymore, stupid I know but I've been lonely in a relationship which was hell but to be lonely and on my own is going to kill me.

So please give me feedback, how do you cope and what keeps you going everyday?

I am still 19 so I have yet to face the situation where I lives alone.For me to cope with loneliness,I would go to places to have fun like the arcade or the library.

If I am lucky,I would call out friends to eat with me and go out play games like poker or monopoly.Hope this helps.