I don't understand...

[futurecatlady]

I had a conversation with a guy a while ago about two of my friends. One is super bubbly, cute, pretty, and an all around nice girl who everyone adores. The other is slightly more reserved, darker, smarter, and in my opinion, infinitely more interesting. I know that most people would find the first girl more attractive, and it makes sense: she has universal appeal. The second girl, though, I think is someone really special. She has such depth to her personality, and the way she thinks is so unique that I can imagine the right person seeing her for all that she is and falling so in love with her that it's ok that most people don't see it. Anyway, this guy that I spoke to said that while the first girl is better looking, the second is more attractive. It made me so happy to hear that, to find someone who finally appreciated my friend and realized how much she had to offer even though she doesn't have as much immediate surface likability.

Well, I spoke to the guy again and basically asked the same question looking for the same answer (I tend to do this a lot...) but I did not get it. Instead, he essentially spewed out the same thing any other person would say: that the first girl is more attractive, has a better personality, is "adorable". It broke my heart. I thought that I had figured out the system--that there are some who everyone will like, and some that a few will love. In a way, it gave me hope for myself. I thought of us as puzzle pieces in a world of squares. Sure, we don't fit with most, but the ones we do stick to have a strong and incomparable bond.

But maybe it isn't like that. Maybe charming ones always do win. And why not? They're lovely. I'm not so pessimistic to think that it is completely impossible to find someone who will take me, but I am beginning to think that the only reason they would have me is because they can't get the ones everyone wants.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but me. I just wish that someone would see my friend for the inner beauty and mystery that runs so deep. Then, possibly, I could hope that someone will see a beauty in me that no one else can.

 

[Luna]

I understand completely.
That would disappoint me as well, but the men like what they like.
I am resentful for it as well, but what can you do?
While I often hear from men about how -they- would be the one to go for the second girl, they do not when you have a girl like the cute, first one available. Perhaps if she were not or they were left with no choice, burned and abused by the first girl, only then they would notice the second one. That, or if they have low self-esteem or feel that the first girl would not want them.

I'm forever the stepping stone, the rebound-chick that serves to boost your broken ego etc. Unfortunately for them, even if I am at my worst, I wont tolerate it for long once I (sadly and heart-breakingly) find out.

I really do know how you feel FCL.
I've stopped hoping in others because they have not earned my "hoping in". Granted, I feel the pain as well, but I remind myself to be selfish and care for myself because no one else is even if I truly don't feel it.

You are a brilliant, well-written lady.
I do hope that someone will smarten up and pick you first.
:club:
I'd beat some sense into a good fella for you if I could!

But again, it's best to care for yourself first, before caring for others who have not earned you.
Whoever does earn you, is the lucky one. Remember that.

 

[Sean]

I had a conversation with a guy a while ago about two of my friends. One is super bubbly, cute, pretty, and an all around nice girl who everyone adores. The other is slightly more reserved, darker, smarter, and in my opinion, infinitely more interesting. I know that most people would find the first girl more attractive, and it makes sense: she has universal appeal. The second girl, though, I think is someone really special. She has such depth to her personality, and the way she thinks is so unique that I can imagine the right person seeing her for all that she is and falling so in love with her that it's ok that most people don't see it. Anyway, this guy that I spoke to said that while the first girl is better looking, the second is more attractive. It made me so happy to hear that, to find someone who finally appreciated my friend and realized how much she had to offer even though she doesn't have as much immediate surface likability.

Well, I spoke to the guy again and basically asked the same question looking for the same answer (I tend to do this a lot...) but I did not get it. Instead, he essentially spewed out the same thing any other person would say: that the first girl is more attractive, has a better personality, is "adorable". It broke my heart. I thought that I had figured out the system--that there are some who everyone will like, and some that a few will love. In a way, it gave me hope for myself. I thought of us as puzzle pieces in a world of squares. Sure, we don't fit with most, but the ones we do stick to have a strong and incomparable bond.

But maybe it isn't like that. Maybe charming ones always do win. And why not? They're lovely. I'm not so pessimistic to think that it is completely impossible to find someone who will take me, but I am beginning to think that the only reason they would have me is because they can't get the ones everyone wants.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but me. I just wish that someone would see my friend for the inner beauty and mystery that runs so deep. Then, possibly, I could hope that someone will see a beauty in me that no one else can.

I duno, from what I can tell . . this was just a first impression from the guy?
You can't really be mad at the guy for liking the more attractive girl better. He doesn't know what either are really like . . so he chooses the more attractive one?

I'm no expert . . but when you're in a relationship attraction plays a key roll in keeping the two people together.

But if this was a case of . . beautiful but terrible personality . . or not as beautiful with a nice personality . . he would eventually realize that her attractiveness isn't enough to keep him around . .. when she's constantly nagging, or is always in a bad mood . . or they have nothing in common . . list goes on.

I think it all just comes down to compatibility. At first glance, the less beautiful girl may not seem like the first . . or right choice, but if you take the chance to get to know her . . you find that you have many interests . . you LOVE spending time with her . . etc. You're gonna realize that you did make the right choice.

Sorry, i hope this makes sense .
Random thoughts.

Hope I helped.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I understand what you mean. But you should realize that everyone is different. He might think that, but if you ask another guy, he may give you the answer you want constantly. It IS about compatibility. I thought about that earlier... Yeah he might not be exactly what I want, but just might be what I need. And maybe I shouldn't be so harsh as to push him out of view right away because he's seemingly not what I'm interested in. Attraction is different to everyone. She may have the "universal" pretty look, but not everyone will think she's attractive. You might talk to one guy who thinks she doesn't look good at all. After all, the pretty people need lovin' too.

 

[futurecatlady]

Everyone has good points... I guess what I meant was that it seems like there's this model of an "ideal" person that everyone has an unqualified attraction to. I know that there must be people out there who have different ideals, but I have yet to find one. It disturbs me because I am far from that ideal and so are most people. Does this mean that if an ideal were to approach the man I'm with, he would drop me and go for her instead? Or is it possible that everyone is the ideal to someone else?

 

[Brian]

I think perhaps this person initially wanted to push the impression of not being shallow and appreciating the girl for her personality.

When you pushed the matter he was afraid that you were going to try and hook him up with her; the reality being that he couldn't find any initial spark of attraction to get him interested. The first girl, who you say is attractive, gives him that spark and so he tried to reroute your perception of his interests.

In other words, he was lying to try and look good; when he backpedaled, he wanted you to still think that he was appreciating the more attractive girl for -her- personality, and that her looks are coincidence.

Physical attraction -is- a big thing. Perhaps some genuinely do look past it or can ignore it for other factors, but most do not.

I went out with a Craigslist Date not too long ago. The pictures she had shown me were angled and aimed so that she looked about average. I am fine with average. The truth was that she was a pretty big girl and I kind of felt lied to on top of not really being attracted by that body type.

I sat through the date anyway and interacted with her; I've been attracted to bigger girls before based on other aspects of their looks or their personality, but this one wasn't quite making up points on my brain's Attraction Factor Scale.

Not to mention for some reason my anxiety was through the roof, probably due to so many mutual acquaintances, but who knows.