I don't understand...

[eh?]

Maybe it is self-loathing... I don't know.
Low self-esteem? Maybe.
Self-sabotage? Possibly.

I have given up hope of finding a mate now. I will accept it with open arms if it happens but I don't see a way it could.
I have now begun to avoid even looking at attractive females. Why?
Why would I look at something I cannot have? I never understood that.
I know, I do it just like everyone else... stare at, lust for, long for various people of the opposite sex. But why tempt yourself with something you cannot have?

I don't know how to talk to females, which is very sad considering most of my family are females. I don't know how to initiate conversations with anyone. Once you get to know me, you would probably like me (or at least not dislike me) but I can never get to that stage.

I don't know if I am looking for a solution or just ranting. Help would be great because I do not see a solution as I do not even understand the problem itself.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm actaully feel the same to a certain extent.
yeah...I'm the only boy..grew up around women all my life.
But i actaully don't inneract with them too much.

All of my ex are beautiful women, some more than others.
The problems I have is...they all asked me out.

I've dated before and dated plenty of good looking women.
It's been a while since I've dated. I've done it before.
But it feels so very awkward to me now..then again i remember
going through this stage before...so I'm not tripping out too hard.
I'm not saying it dosn't fresia with me..it still dose.
I work on being positive no matter what.

It's a trip being single again to begin with after a long term relationship...
Just this, i feel un easy and still a little bit
angery and disappionted by the break up and the death of Jenni.
I think women can sense the uneasy or internal conflict inside.

The other night a woman told me...there was something wrong
or i was going through something or something was bothering me.
She told me it was written all over my face...Just like that she
told me...I'm greatful she told me...I needed to know that.
I was trying to put on a fake smile...but she knew or sensed it.

I also know..wheather women asked me out or I asked them
out ...I was happy go lucky and carefree at those moments.
No freaken stupid pick up lines or anything of that sort..
Probably becuase i was casual and easy to get along ..sort
of air headed and say random honeysuckle ...ice breakers .lol
IT'S NOT WHAT I SAY, IT'S HOW I SAY IT.
I didn't give a rats ass oneway or the other if women rejected
me and I wasn't really, really looking, looking for that specail
someone...they were all special to me...lmao

I remember having lunch with Jenni before we got together.
I was such an air head..laughing my ass off.
She told striaght up with a twinkle in her eyes.."I like you like this."
Started playing footies with me....lmao
She also knew I can be a freaken hard ass business dude. She used to
handle my account...lmao

I actaully inneract with beautiful women all the time.
At work and the meetings I attend . I get hugs , talk to them,
and flirt with them...It's safe though..ya see.
I don't get the knee knocking , fear of reject pumping through my vains...

I think i just need to work on myself some more...
I definitely don't pick up self pity and run with it today...that's almost like first and formost.
I've been working on being positve no matter what for the past 60 days.

I started on working on facing my fears just a couple of days ago...
That's becuase I started flirting or wanted to meet a complete stranger...lmao

I try to flirt with 4-5 strangers ( women ) within
the past week....lmao Enough with the simulations...
Time to put the theroy into pratice and a test flights.
Holy honeysuckle man..heart thumping, fear of rejections running though
my mind. i havn't gotten lucky yet...lmao
The way I look at it is..I'm getting closer and closer to her.
That's okay i understand the principle behind it...
I just have to keep trying again and again and again and again.
Errr...I hope they don't all call me at once like the last time...lmao

I'm not giving up...I came to far. She dosen't have to be a super model.
All women are beautiful. I see lots and lots of what i think are pretty, pretty
women (because I'm attracted to certain types of women) with average and sometime
not so good looking dudes. There's something about those dudes...
They have chips on thier shoulders.( confidence)

Think of it like this...it's a process or a journey.
There's different stages you'll go though while dating. A learning experince.
It really dosn't matter or have anything to do with the girl..(she'll be there...know this)
It's more about learning to love yourself and bettering yourself in the process.
Yes ...keep your eyes on the prize..(hope/faith)..but don't lose yourself in it or turn it
into negatives. She's not going complete you...nor make who you are.
It's who you are that will attrack her to you.
Err...If you can't belive in yourself...then how is she going to belive in you ?

Once you get into a relationship...that too will also be a process and learning experince.
So whatever you're going through at this moment...it's also going to help you once you
get into a relationship...becuase a relationship take twist and truns.
It will require for you to have lots of love, patients, tolernace, compassion and understanding.
A healty relationship actaully requires each partner as indiviual to have a lot of self love.
You don't own one another...it's about sharing the love you have within yourself..
You can't give what you don't have....In order for you to love her...you have to love yourself first.

Then if you have babies....by then you'll have plenty of practice at love , patients, tolerance, compassion and understanding...lol

 

[eh?]

Ha! I wish some female would approach me.
It may be considered the "sissies" way out but it seems like the only available option right now.
I think that if a female actually initiates the contact and just gives me a bit to work with, I can "close the deal"... But I don't see that happening.

I can only hope it is a stage like you suggest.
I know the change has to come from myselfe but I don't know what or how to change.
I need to read more books on it. This Zen book I have been reading has helped me not worry about it nearly as much but... the loneliness still hits.

Thanks for the response Lonesome Crow. I truly do appreciate it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

We have to change. Change our attitudes. Change our outlook.
And take actions.

Making a gradtitude list was my first step.
This gets me into action and my perceptions and attitude.
Here... Nalee helped me get the ball rolling.
http://www.alonelylife.com/showing-a-little-gratitude-t-4226.html

I started riding my bike and lifting wieghts...this helps me gets
into action or gettting into a habit of taking actions.
Becuase I'm no longer sitting around just thinking about it.
While the excersize and wieghting has it's benifits of me getting
in shape and mentally helps minimize depression and stress.
Plus I'll be fit too...a firm body dosn't hurt.
My main objective was to do something...or take action consistantly.
I was devoloping habits of taking actions..Doing something about
my life....Also traing my brain and self discipine. Becuase in the process of lifting wieghts or riding my bike..I'll push myself to ride
an extra mile...while my brain or body is screaming "I can't"
I pushed myself forward inspite of what I feel.

How will that help me in asking a girl out ?
Will...I'll have to make myself approch her..take actions and push
myself forward inspite of my fears...

My sponsor bascailly just told me to be positive...plus
he make jokes all the time...So I'll get used to laughing
and having a good time when inneracting with a human.

That's why I made a fear list...it's just an excersize of gettting
me to process feelings of fears..so i don't react or stop myself.
recognize internal conflicts within myself. Anyway..it's sort of
like I'll get used to those feeling of fears that my mind dosn't
trip or the fears actaully gose away the more i face them.

I mean...My ex-gf actaully came up to me and shook my hands..
But that's all she wanted to do..We been fighting and almost
are like enemies...worst. Anyway...I just looked at her in the
eyes and asked her for a hug...I grabed her hands..it was too
late for her...lmao She huged me. I hitted on her without her
even knowing it. I whispered all kinds of crazy stuff in her ears..lmao
Oh will...I don't know whats going to happen between her and
I. Too many stuff she and i need to work out if she and I would
go forward. I still have some anger towards her.

It's insane...I have to work at the main facility now...there's single
women everywhere. I flirted with a woman today that i havn't met
before, so that's cool.

There's a babe that gose jogging at the park where I ride my bike
everyday...She's single. She dosn't have a ring on her finger.
I've been doing the slow approch with her becuase I'll see her all the time. She smiled at me a couple of times the other day. Just going with the flow with her. i didn't want to scare her. Actully my heart gose pumping like crazy everytime i see her. She's the one I need to ask out. She scars the honeysuckle out of me...I want her.lol
She's actually the reason why I started making my fears list.
I see her all the time...but felt like a whimp everytime.