I fantasize about cutting myself from all human contact. To live in total seclusion.

[Luna]

I do not seek pity, sympathy or empathy...or anything else that ends with a "y".
Do not read this if you do not want to be depressed.

If you insist then! You have been forewarned.

I forbid you to read my words without the following music playing in the background.
It would be a heinous crime should you not!

[youtube]-EQ6eHeBrhM[/youtube]


_____________________________________________________________


What a stark contrast to a thread that I had created only the night before:
http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=10062

I woke up abruptly at 4 AM today to a sharp sensation in my chest.
It has now since then left me, but 40 minutes after...I lie here here, thinking, wishing and reflecting upon what the future has in store for me.
Oh how tired my eyes are, but I continue on, staring blankly at the laptop screen as I type this.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing"

I crave so deeply for a release.
To finally be free of my knotted heart and my emotions which hold me captive. The thought-process that I have had within the past few months:
changing my name and appearance, moving to a new city away from family, closing off all current connections etc. can be considered an attempt to start anew...or maybe - just maybe - there is an underlying intent of me simply wanting to vanish. For the world to no longer have a single trace of me.

I am selfish.
I am going to pay thousands of dollars for a doctor to cut up my face.
I know that should it not go well, it may be enough reason for me to simply off myself. Family have halfheartedly joked about my eulogy; they comment on how I will be remembered as a sad and broken spirit.
But I know that inside, they are afraid.
When I read the newspaper, the first thing that I do is flip over to the obituaries. There's a certain fascination with reading on how these people - with their faces looking back at me - have touched the lives of so many and are remembered for their love and joy.
That won't be the case for me.
If I were raped and then committed suicide, at least some of the blame would fall onto the rapist.
If I were walking innocently down the drug-infested streets of downtown, and was mugged and shot to the head, at least the blame would fall onto my killer.
But for me to take my life into my own hands due to a voluntary surgery?
No. I feel ashamed.
I don't want my family to remember me in anger and hurt.
I won't do it. I will tell myself not to, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to hold myself to that.

I am angry and bitter.
Already at 20 years young, I am a bitter government office employee that works hard daily from 7-5 and comes home to an empty house every night.
I hate this world and I hate the people that inhabit it.
Should my upcoming plans turn out, then I will work towards a goal of buying a home far, far away from the eyes of society. A small, quaint house close to the seaside or in a forest, hidden from view. I have dreamt about this for as long as I can remember; to smell the fresh ocean air or to be among the song of the birds. To never have to worry or try again with fitting in or following the norm. I will not have to keep up with appearances, and can spend my days sleeping it away, or even just lying on the grass and watching the clouds. I will not have to answers to questions which trespass my security such as: "Why are you like this Luna? "Why don't you smile Luna" "What is wrong?" or people barging into my room, uninvited, to make sure that I'm okay...(among coming across other things haha...)

I work and work and work and then I will die. I'm burnt out, but I suppose I shouldn't complain. I have a decent-paying job whereas there are many people who are simply struggling to feed themselves and their children. Then there are those, who are jobless.
I wonder what will happen to my belongings after I leave this world.
I have thousands of traveling photos for which I am creating scrapbooks for and art supplies scattered all through my room. What will happen to the house that I have worked so hard to pay for? As I age, so will my brothers. My mom, aunts, uncles will have died by then. My grandmothers are very old - as each day passes, they draw closer and closer to the close of their lives.
Finding a partner is not a possibility for a person like me, nor having children. I have thought of adoption for years, but I feel that I may be too old to raise a child once I am finally content with my life - if I ever will be.
I don't know.
I'm tempted to simply sell everything that I have and walk among the earth. Live without material goods and survive on the basic necessities of life.

I could live through endless days and nights without a calendar. Without knowing one day from another. The TV will be the only reminder of what a human voice sounds like. The softness of the pillows on my bed could help fuel my fantasy of what human touch might have been like. But maybe - just maybe - I will reach a point where I will forget that I am human and simply remember that I am one with the earth.

_____________________________________________________________

I am going to regret posting this.
I am almost certain of it.
I do apologize for subjecting you to it, but also congratulate you should you have finished reading it from beginning to end.

EDIT: Don't worry. I'm okay. I actually laughed maniacally when I read over my post with the music playing in the background.
I should consider play-writing as a career.

 

[AlonelyCrumpet]

Wow you sound so much like me..........a year ago I moved to texas from California to start over..................now I am stuck out here knowing nobody....Loss my job like so many other people........I think it is so cool how you can put your feelings into words like that..........I wish I could do that................

 

[Jeff1983]

Hi Luna,

You are always writting about changing your name, moving to another location and now you are talking about changing your face by a doctor. Let me say that if you should do all the things do not expect a change of your life as all you wanna do is making yourself a totally new person who has nothing in common with the person you are at the moment. When you you are going to make all the things come true (Moving to another location, having a new face, changing the name) you are everything but yourself as you are runnning away from your problems in the hope a new location, a new face as well as a new name would change everything into good but I am afraid this will not work out as good as you think. You kind of killing your true person to be another person who is NOT you!

moving to another city is a good decision for a new beginning but changing your face by a doctor is not a very good idea. I do not know how you look like but do you really think changing your face will change everything? Peoples have to like you because of your character and because of the person thats in you and because of how you are looking like.

I totally understand your depressed feelings as I often have such kind of feelings too (moving to another country and beginning a new life) but please do not change you way of looking by modifieing you face by a doctor).

May I ask you whats wrong about how you are looking in your opinion?


Very best regards form rainy germany to canada!

 

[mintymint]

I am going to pay thousands of dollars for a doctor to cut up my face.
I know that should it not go well, it may be enough reason for me to simply off myself.

If that ever happens, you must go on a date with me before you off yourself

A small, quaint house close to the seaside or in a forest, hidden from view. I have dreamt about this for as long as I can remember; to smell the fresh ocean air or to be among the song of the birds. To never have to worry or try again with fitting in or following the norm. I will not have to keep up with appearances, and can spend my days sleeping it away, or even just lying on the grass and watching the clouds.

Sounds blissful. Do you have room for a house guest? I will bring delicious sushi

 

[Luna]

@ Alonelycrumpet: Hey, that's a rough deal. Sorry to know that you're going through such a rough time. **hug**
As for speaking about your feelings, just write from your heart. That itself is enough.

@ Jeff: I know that I can never fit everyone's ideal of beauty, but I cannot even fit my own. I just feel that some of my features are distracting, and I've been looking into surgery for years. Thank you for your advice though. There are many points you've given that make me think.

@ Minty: Haha. How could I say no to sushi?

 

[bugonwall]

You will always be who you are. Thats what makes us different. Pretty or ugly... your feelings and thoughts and actions will always hold your appearance forever. :club:

 

[SophiaGrace]

Luna...

I just dont understand how changing your appearance will make you not feel lonely.

I dont understand how doing this will alleviate your frustration

or your sadness

Your inner turmoil...

Luna....i think the money would be better spent on a very good psychologist and perhaps both of you could put your heads together to think of a solution to allievate your inner pain.

I most sincerely wish you future happiness and joy. <hug>

 

[Haz]

I think if this ever comes to fruition you are going to make a very bad decision.

I don't know the exact source of your pain, and the details that make things what they are to you. All I can say is we all have our own private suffering, and many (including myself) have been in a similar predicament.

All I can say is that depression can put a strong bias on our actions, sometimes we have to compensate for this distorted information. Just because you can't see a solution other than this one does not mean one isn't there.

 

[edgecrusher]

i wouldnt say that i fantasize about it, but it seems the more i have to deal with people the more i look forward to my alone time in my room at night. i feel like i am really close to just accepting being alone for the rest of my life. i find myself caring less and less each day about having good friends that i could regularly spend time with, but at the same time i would really like to find that special someone.

 

[acommoner]

The only reason you would like to move into seclusion is because then you choose for it, as now it feels like the choice has been made for you and it makes you feel powerless leaving you bittered and angry behind.

You work at an office not much chance of meeting people or women there.
We live in a society that is too big for us hence the cold mentality we need to survive here.

If you are looking for a women , surf some dating sites, hell thats what they are there for, lots of lonely people out there, there is no sign on their heads for hey im single.

If you got too much pride for that, go to a supermarket, lots of women there shopping, talk to one thats shopping for one person or doesnt have a wedding ring on, if you dont know what to say just ask her something like what washing product should i use , whats the best apples you can get around here i want some sweet ones, incline that you are single, im a guy, i dont know this stuff (which is true) if she has the slightest interest in you she will give you hints, like yea im single too etc, ask her to drink a cup of coffee nearby or so just a quick drink, ask her about her, not about her job or her hobbies, what the best moment of her life was, what is she proud about to achieve in her life etc, that kind of stuff, stuff you would like people asking you about. If shes not interested remember this, try again, more women then men on this world so youre good.

Meet some people at the pub, go for a drink, talk to the guys there, get a social life, its not so hard if you dont try so hard, be yourself, billions of people, chances are good youll find people you like and vice versa.

Now when you read this, pick up your jacket and go out, they wont come knocking on your door, you got the power and knowledge now use it.

 

[Sand Dollar]

Luna,

You are a charming,creative young woman! I already see so many great things about you! Wow, the thought and creativity that went into this post! Just great! I know it's hard when life is showing you a rough road. I had a 14 year cycle of serious suffering. But I came ou tof it a better person and had greater compassionfor others and realized sometimes the universe brings us sorrow to help our spiritual side grow. I'm sure that's true for you. Hang on. Dance the lovely dance of your creative soul and pray for happier days. They will come. You are a sweet and fascinating person!

Best,

SD

 

[Alex]

I used to be obsessed with my face from about 18-22. I wanted to have a nose job and a forehead job (Don't ask). I did all the stuff looking in the mirror in differnet light etc thinking if only and complaining to my parents. Eventually after years of anguish I found a surgeon who I thought could do the operation I needed. But after telling my dad I was going to see him he convinced me it was a terrible idea, this was around 20. I still carried on being obsessed but now at 23 haven't thought about my face in over a year which really amazes me now. I looked at a diary I kept at the time the whole thing is constantly about my imperfect face. I guess I am just saying I am really glad now that I didn't have surgery. My life hasn't improved that much but I'm glad to be over that obsession. I think what helped was I met an average looking girl who I loved. Before I had only liked girls with beautiful faces. Except it wasn't really 'liked' it was infatuation. That's what I desired from looking perfect - people being infatuated by me. But infatuation is just a kind of meaningless insanity. Relationships are more meaningful, and can't really coincide with infatuaton. Personality is what counts in relationships.

 

[SophiaGrace]

this is strange luna...because the first thread that was made in this loneliness section was along the same lines. Give this thread a look: http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=21

 

[abe109]

This is definitely one of the BEST written works i HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE! On second thought, it IS the best!! Incredible, such passion and emotion.. Words do not suffice to convey my deep understanding of your feelings! Wonderful! Bravo!!! Just, simply BRAVO!!!!

 

[KASINI]

When I was a kid, I used to daydream about being the only human left alive on the planet, and how cool that would be...drive any car, explore any building...years later I realized just how terrifying that would be, and then when I was mid twenties, I tried just walking away from it all, but promptly had a panic attack...I realized that despite my desire not to be human, to join some other reality, I could never escape myself and my humanity...everyday I struggle with the knowledge that I am a human, that there are others, but that I can't connect...my soul longs, always...

It is comforting to know others struggle with the same thing...

 

[rayousha]

I will not speak of what you are feeling right now since you said you don't want pity, empathy or sympathy but I must say you write beautifully... It is heartfelt and to be able to vent it all out in writing is a gift. You may not have somebody to connect with in RL but you are connecting with people thru this. I did not read your post while listening but I felt the sadness and longing. Words have the power to evoke deep emotions in me more than music...

 

[SinfulVixen]

How can something so beautiful, be so sad?
The way you express yourself leaves me green with envy.
Luna like your post I'm sure you're beautiful.
Someone just has to get past the sadness to see that.
Please dont carve up your face
Try to work on the outside from within...

Best wishes,
Sin

 

[edgecrusher]

cutting myself off from as much human contact as possible seems like such a great idea right now. but in the long run i know that will just make me feel worse because it only decreases my chance of meeting that special girl.

 

[csmswhs]

i always do too. i like your post.

 

[Wishtobemyself]

I'm dreaming about going somewhere else , like city or country where nobody knows me. With my new name and new appearance, I can start my life again from zero.